i made this so i could move on- dedicated to you, ns:
a list of questions i would ask you, months after you have left me and i have found someone new. or i suppose it is more of the things i want you to know. although i know you will never see this list. i edited this to be more of a letter formatted wrong, i just wanted to feel like i could talk to you one last time;
do you miss me still, after i said i didn’t want to get back with you. because i still miss you, and i’m still hurt from you and scared to be left by my love.
does your little brother ever ask about me anymore? i know he liked me a lot. you’d always joke about him liking me more than you with how many questions he’d ask about what it’s like being grown up and being a girl. i really hope your actions didn’t hurt him like they hurt me.
do you listen to the songs i once told you mean the world to me, i know you detested them for their romanticizing of heartbreak. but, they got me through what happened with you, did they help you get through what you did to me?
did your cats notice that i haven't returned since that last day in your basement where i met you family. they were nice and don’t deserve to be upset about not being able to see me anymore.
have your parents asked what ever happened to me, or for that matter did your mother ever ask who i was and why i was waiting in your driveway.
do your friends ask about me, the ones i never met? or do they ask if you still have feelings or how you are coping with my decision to take time to myself. which, doesn’t help by the way.
what ever happened to that one friend that swore up and down that i was the girl you would marry. what did he say about your decision to leave? a part of me still doesn’t get how he could come to the conclusion that i was perfect for you just based on stuff i had shared on my facebook. i just don’t get it.
does blake ask about me? did he ever? what about jared? he looks at me a lot on saturdays when he is there, which is rare. he has always made me uncomfortable, he didn’t seem to have respect for me or us before everything went down. it was almost like he knew. and blake, i saw him a few weeks ago, i don’t think he saw me and i’m pretty content with that, but his girlfriend is a sweetheart to me still.
do you still listen to our song, africa by toto. we sang it in the car on the way to every regional, yelling for everyone to hear. our personalities bubbling together. i can’t stand it anymore, the memories are too strong but i just want to know if you can still enjoy it.
have you had any dreams about missing me or me coming back. anything of the sort i guess, i know i've had them about you. i still do.
do you remember our late night talks, trips in the back of my brothers car where we would sing and i often fell asleep in your arms. i just want to know that you remember because all of those things meant the world to me.
do you remember the time i said i loved you and all you had to offer was “the feelings are mutual,” i remember.
did you feel anything when you broke up with me?
why did it have to be over text, that hurt more than it would if you had came to the card shop with us and had taken me outside to tell me that. i would have rather known that my frustration and pain was real opposed to you just saying it was over because you couldn’t stand my parents.
scott asked if i was dating you on the day you ended things, i said yes. later he asked why you weren't there with me and i said you planned to break up with me. do you still talk to him? he still talks to me. do you know about his boyfriend?
why were you sneaking around with someone who is basically a brother to me, to this day. he told my current lover and that’s how i found out, and i rightfully got upset and cut him out. after that is when he brought you on that saturday. did you see me that day? my heart dropped when i saw you walk in, and the closer you got the more i wanted to breakdown. i was once again made weak by you.
do you ask about me, to the brother figure that is. he says you don’t but after that betrayal i wouldn’t doubt that he is covering for you, or sending you pictures of me or something stupid.
do your hands burn where mine once where, because i have that feeling with you.
i remember our first kiss on that bench in the park by ttt, you got so upset because our noses clashed when we leaned in. i was so nervous and i was all yours. once i kissed you, my lips melted into you and i was a puddle of myself, addicted to your taste. were you addicted to mine? do you miss the feeling of my lips on yours?
you work at my favourite store now, did you do that in hopes of seeing me?
a few weeks ago i saw a cousin for the first time in months and she asked if i was still with you. calling you a rude name in the process, i defended you. this was in december of 2017. i broke down because i haven’t changed.
why did you never tell me about the cigarettes and alcohol. i wanted to know you and you were so closed off. it seems like i told you everything and i knew nothing about you.
how come you needed alcohol in your system to profess your feelings to me, i just want a clear answer. i didn’t deserve that.
my best friend at the time, she always told me you would hurt me. i always told her that she didn't know you, she wasn’t here, that she was so wrong. she pushed me away because she couldn't stand to see me falling in love with you when she knew the truth. i wish i had listened to her. you took so much from me when you left.
how often do you think about me if you still do, i don’t want to know but i need to know.
how long did you know you wanted to break up with me before you did?
did you actually love me if you had to leave me in the end to see that i was totally infatuated with you from the very start.
do you still wear the cologne i adored, because i lost the ability to wear certain perfumes and chapstick flavours without wanting to vomit because of you enjoying them more than i did.
do you feel that hurt in the pit of your stomach to this day or is that just me.
i can hardly stand perkins anymorem i’m trying to make new memories over it. i went there with brandon and cody at first but now we don’t stop anywhere on the way home. i go there with my friends now, or i’ve gone with my new lover.
you took my friend too, when i found out he still talked to you. from the week before the saturday you went again to about two weeks ago i hated him because of you.
did you want to hurt me or did you think i didn't love you.
what would you do if we happened to meet again, possibly on the street, or at your place of work. how would you react if the situation would arise that you needed to speak to me.
did you even care about getting the ring back, because it meant a lot to me to give it back. i got rid of everything else, burned it. i couldn’t stand it. i was upset beyond belief. i couldn’t write about my pain because it was too fresh, so i destroyed the memories and that didn’t help.
how did it feel to see me in that day, our hands brushed, i couldn't look at you. i screamed and cried as my friend drove me home.
why did you have to leave me three days before my favourite holiday, you knew how excited i was.
when we played pokemon go together you caught a pokemon, it was really weak and i don’t remember what it was because it was kinda trash but you said you’d keep it forever to remember the day, and i think you changed the name. we caught it in my lower lot, which is no longer mine by the way. but, do you still have it?
do you ever lurk on my social media, see how i’ve moved on and how i look different. i changed my look because i didn’t want to look like someone you have loved. i still want to change my hair.
- a.k.h.
