#ex rel

[the-art-of-leaving]

One thing I’ve had to deal with since leaving the Jehovah’s Witnesses is the realization that there’s no one coming to save the world. Jesus isn’t going to come in and save us from ourselves. God isn’t going to kill all the sinners and make a paradise. Looking back now, the concept of paradise is absolutely dystopic, but for a suicidal kid like I was? It was all I had to look forward to. 

But now I realize that there’s not going to be a rapture, no Deus Ex Machina to come and save me, and, well, that’s hard. But it also gives me something to fight for. If God won’t save this rock then fuck it, I will. Or at least I’ll try. And I guess that’s what you have to do. Find your own reasons and your own closure in this life. Find something to fight for, find something to save, even if it’s small. Be kind. 

-Mod Skye

[the-art-of-leaving]

TIME SENSITIVE IGNORE IF PAST DATE STATED. I'm queer and transgender, my religion does not agree. I've been trying to leave, but also I keep throwing myself at it in hopes that it will change. I committed myself to a religious retreat over this weekend April 12-14, even though I KNOW it's a massive trigger. I cannot get out of going, but do you have any advice for coping during it?

It depends on how involved the retreat is. When I have to help mom attend assemblies and conventions, HUGE triggers for me, I usually bring a notebook to write how bullshit it all is while still looking like I’m engaged. Earphones an an mp3 player/your phone to block it out is also a good suggestion. However an assembly is just a very long church service and isn’t as involved as a retreat may be. Other mods, any suggestions? 

-Mod Skye

[the-art-of-leaving]

You can have happy memories from toxic places.

Something I wish both the people I left behind in the church and the people I met after leaving understood is that I have good memories. I have absolutely amazing memories. Some of these memories many of the secular people I met give the side eye, and these are also the memories those still enmeshed point to as a reason it wasn’t that bad.

But these good memories don’t always feel good. That’s something that’s hard for people to understand. Sometimes these memories bring me a smile and fondness, sometimes they feel a like a rope tightening around my throat.

It’s so frustrating because I wish that they were one or the other, but they’re not.

The positive memories don’t outweigh the negative experiences and the negative experiences don’t have to engage the positive ones.

Trauma isn’t black and white. Perceptions of memories can change. That’s okay. Trauma is complicated. Life is complicated. We’re allowed to have had good memories in toxic places. We’re allowed to look back in different ways. We’re allowed to feel how we feel.

— Mod Felicity

[the-art-of-leaving]

The Art of Leaving: A Support Site for Life After Religion

Help TAOL expand! We're here to better serve everyone seeking healing and exploring life after high-demand religion.

I am beyond excited to share with you that The Art of Leaving is expanding into a full independent website! We are raising $200 to do it. Every $1 helps!

Tumblr has been an excellent medium for snippets of stories, resources, and answering your questions. However, it isn't built for essays, articles, interview—things that enrich our ability to support and empower folks. The time has come for us to reach a larger audience, to empower our readers to share fuller stories.

Our Tumblr is not going away. We will still have the ask/submission box open and continue to reblog. At the same time, TAOL will live and grow on our website, our new launching pad to share stories, interviews, articles, etc.

Help us make this website a reality! We’ve gotten here through your support, curiosity, and openness and we’re thrilled to continue on this path together. 

—The Mods

[the-art-of-leaving]

A Call for Submissions!

In case you missed it, we are building a website! This website will be live on October 5. We want to hear your stories and publish you when our website goes live! Don’t worry if you don’t consider yourself a “writer”, we want stories and thought and opinions. We can help with the nitty-gritty.

Submission Guidelines

A title, subtitle if desired

A preferred name (anonymous is fine, but it must be specified)

An email/preferred method of communication (THIS WILL BE PRIVATE)

Topics: your deconversion, recovery, intersectionality, religious trauma, your journey, recent events, other ideas we have not listed but is related to our content

300 - 750 words

Include a tw if necessary! 

Where do you send it? Either click on the submit button on the top of our tumblr or click here.

For the first round of submissions, the due date is: 11/01. They will be published on both our website and our tumblr. There will be a second round in the future.

We look forward to seeing your work!

—Mod Felicity

[the-art-of-leaving]

I want to leave this Pentecostal faith of my family, but I can only really get out once I go to college away from home. I want to be free and make my own decisions, and whenever they talk about certain topics in the Bible I get super uncomfortable and I feel fear and guilt in my heart. How do I stop this?

Anon,

I’m so sorry you are going through all this, it can definitely be very, very hard. First off, I want to say that it is not  a matter of “stopping” your feelings but rather listening to them and letting them ebb and flow. I spent years trying to “stop” the horrible feelings that come up but I realize that that only made them more painful. Listen to yourself, treat your emotions as if they are a small, scared child. Take care of this child.

Read books, journal, do art, do what makes you happy and when it gets too much close your eyes and pay attention to where this emotion lives in your body and how it came about. Even reaching out as you have is a healing step.

I’m also gonna tag Mod @max-swell in this one, they might have some advice on the family/college end of things.

Best of luck,

Mod Felicity

[the-art-of-leaving]

that awkward moment you realize most of your cult trauma has moved to work because your mother was trying to start a cult but instead of spirituality and salvation she got into your head with "if you follow my advice in your work life you'll be successful!" and now you have no concept of making your own choices, but that's *just* at your job and you're fine everywhere else

I feel you, anon. In toxic religions and even in our culture there is this expectation of where “your place” is and how if you “just do what we say” then everything will turn out fine. And when things aren’t fine it’s because “it’s all a part of God’s plan”.

It’s hard to get back in touch with that guiding part of us, but I would encourage you to just try to listen to your feelings and your physiological reactions to things to guide you to what your body/mind/soul is trying to tell you about a situation. Listening is the first step to getting back your own sense of self.

I’ve been there <3

Best of luck,

— Mod Felicity

[the-art-of-leaving]

Does anyone else suffer from OCD caused by religion? I find it hard to get into pseudo-scientific concepts + other ideas of spirituality, because I find myself reverting to OCD tactics in my head (which I do think were caused by growing up christian). Like say I learn about a new concept of seeing the world, I end up over-thinking my thoughts and actions based on these ideas.

Anon,

I personally do suffer from OCD, so I definitely get where you’re coming from. Its hard for me to tell if it came from religion or family as most of my relatives suffer from some degree of OCD. They’ve definitely played into each other, especially magical thinking. That was both an important part of my church and my disorder, that if I didn’t do X, Y or Z then God would do _______. 

I also relate to that inability to get into other spiritualities, I couldn’t for nearly four years because every time I did I was consumed with fear and bitterness. So you aren’t alone <3 I definitely recommend looking into some OCD apps or workbooks as they can help you feel more in control and less overwhelmed by your thoughts.

Much love, 

Mod Felicity