#excerptsofneverwrittenbooks

[blogbatsinthebelfrylove]

I feel like I’m literally drowning…but slowly…. And everyone else is around me and watching and laughing and having a good time. I’m in my “bubble” filled with some kind of fluid and I’m doing my best to smile and fake it. I’m trying to stay at the top where I can reach air but every time I do someone bumps me or shakes me asking for MORE!!! I try to stabilize and set boundaries and state that I can only breathe if I’m up right and can keep my head afloat and I feel like I’m treated like I’m selfish. I … am… drowning. And no one cares. And the people who would can’t do anything to truly help…I have some physical health issues that are keeping me stuck in this position. I can’t move or I’ll drown for sure. I can’t get out…. I’m trapped….

[blogbatsinthebelfrylove]

[blogbatsinthebelfrylove]

I remember it so vividly, yet everything is a blur. I woke to banging on the windows and doors. I thought it was HER so I didn’t answer. Instead, I laid there quietly waiting for it to stop. I rolled over and clutched my pillow. A few seconds passed before the screaming began. I heard my name, my birth name. I knew it wasn’t her and I knew it was serious. I jumped down from my bed and walked into the living room. It was glaring with red from the fire trucks and ambulances. I was certain my parents house was on fire. I opened the door, still half asleep to my mother screaming. “Dads dead.” Everything stopped and I couldn’t see, but I could. I remember my mother dragging me down the stairs, across the alley. I was in a white tank top with pink booty shorts and no bra. My feet were bloody, although I didn’t realize it until hours later after the shock had worn off. I blacked out and the next thing I remember was being back in my kitchen, chugging a bottle of rum. Bloody footprints down the sidewalk and throughout my house. I walked back into my bedroom and she asked what was going on. I told her I needed pants and she asked again. Before I knew it I let out this gut wrenching cry, one I’d never made before regardless of the heartbreak. “My dads dead.” I fell to the floor by my closet and slid down the door. She remained calm and asked what pants I wanted. She helped me up and I put them on. I proceeded to pace the living room, looking for my boots. They had to be the grey ones. Almost two weeks exactly after my 28th birthday. I asked her to get me a carton of cigarettes and continued looking for my grey boots. I found them and put them on but I couldn’t remember if I gave her my debit or credit card and so I asked which I’d given her. She looked at me with a look I’d never seen before. She asked how I could be so calm. I told her that’s just how I am. She left and I walked to the freezer again for my bottle of rum, gagging as I chugged it down. I grabbed a beer and walked back to my parents house. I stood outside and finished my cigarette. The paramedics told my mother there was “a little girl” standing outside. She opened the door and told me to come in, my cigarette was still lit but she didn’t care. I put it out anyway because I wasn’t going to disrespect her house like that. I didn’t know they hadn’t removed the body yet. I walked in the door only to come face to face with your body. Only a sheet covered your face, your foot resting on the side table in the air. I knew it was real, but I didn’t. I laid on your chest and held your hand till they took you away. It was shortly after 5am when this all began but before I knew it the sun was completely out. They couldn’t remove your body like they normally would because the house was too cluttered so a team of 4 had to go inside and lift you to the gurney With a sheet under you. The sidewalk was uneven and the gurney almost fell over with you on it. Everyone kept driving by slowly, staring. I couldn’t believe what was happening. I felt like I was on a bad trip. Everything moved so fast, yet slow and the faces blurred into the background. Last night my mother knocked on my windows and doors. She was being silly, but I froze. It is common for people to come to my house at random hours of the night and I never hesitated to answer it. Something about this froze me in my tracks and I couldn’t move. Eventually my friend answered the door and we found out it wasn’t anything serious but all I could hear was the pounding and screaming. It was the same knock I heard that morning. Now I can’t sleep because all I can see is your leg propped upon the air and the sheet coving your body. You hands ice cold and fading to black. I can’t accept that you’re gone. I don’t know how to live with this daddy...please come back home...

[blogbatsinthebelfrylove]

[blogbatsinthebelfrylove]

[blogbatsinthebelfrylove]

I've spent my whole life running from the good and being frozen in place when it comes to the bad. I always thought that it was my way of sticking out the storm; never acknowledging the fact that there was some underlying complex I had developed when anything started to actually go right. Convincing myself that I was a fighter and loyal and it all had meaning if I just held still. Being emotionally unavailable for the ones who are kind and emotionally invested to the ones that were not.

AJ 

[blogbatsinthebelfrylove]

I knew that I’d completely given up when I was fully aware that it would get better. It WOULD get better. And I didn’t care. I was done fighting.

AJ

[blogbatsinthebelfrylove]

It's long, but worth the read. If need be, skip to the end. 10/27/15 4:13 PM Well, we made it out alive. We survived. I survived. I am a stronger person today than I was a year and a half ago. I am a stronger person today than I have ever been, and more kind. I was humbled by my experience last year. Things were tough. Shortly after I wrote the note above She went to see Ari. I left. I left her. By the time I came back she was ready to be with me. We did our normal crap, back and forth, should we be together, should we not... and around September 2014 we found our common ground. The manic had finally subsided and she were able to see clearly. She was medicated and it worked almost immediately. I wish I could have talked her into it sooner. On October 21st 2014 I lost my cousin... he was like a brother to me and I was devastated. For the first time in our relationship she didn't run. She didn't leave me there to pick up my pieces and take care of myself. She actually helped me get back up. She asked me everyday for almost a year to marry her; really marry her. I politely said "not today, love." every day. From August 18th - about Christmas of last year she asked me to be with her. I would not take her back until she had proven to me that she was going to be a committed adult and eventually she proved that. On June 28th 2015 I agreed to marry her; our 7th year anniversary. She took me on an amazing date, we watched the sun set and the stars come out. We listened to the beautiful serenade of the spanish family across the way and sat by the fire. When she asked me, She were so scared that she almost cried. She was convinced I would say no. She had told her family and mine that sheu was going to ask. I'm not going to lie... that put a lot of pressure on me, but I still said yes. I knew I wanted to marry her, even if it wasn't right then. A few months went by and the guilt of what happened last year started to really eat at her. She could barely look at herself. She could barely listen to the stories of what happened while she was in the mania. She could barely remember any of it. Sometime in the beginning of October she told me that she was still in love with Ari, I was so angry with myself for giving her another chance. I was so angry with myself for being so foolish and naive. I can not adequately describe how I felt because there were no words.... All the same, she had been faithful and honest. She had not acted on anything, although she could have easily done so. She had asked Ari to leave her alone several times up until this point. I could barely look at her. There was a fire in me that I didn't know how to control, so I left and I painted. I understood though... that's my problem. I always understand. I am always sympathetic; although she may not think so. We moved forward for a week; until I had my next counseling session. I've been going to counseling for a while now and it seems to be helping. I'm finding my footing and the strong, independent woman that I once was. I told her that I could not do that again. I was simply trying to say, if after all of this time you don't know if you want to be with me, then there is no choice to be made. If she loved me, she wouldn't be struggling with this and that I really wished her the best and that I hope along her journey that she was able to find her way. I was trying to be supportive. Now if you're reading this now, you will probably agree with her and feel that I was leaving. I get that. I come off very aggressive often. I just prefer to be forward and say what needs to be said. She left work early because she was so distraught (which I felt HORRIBLE about) and when she came home she wouldn't talk to me. I was very confused at the time because I didn't know what was going on and I wanted to talk more. She refused to talk to me and decided to go for a drive. I left. I took my computer, projector, makeup, hair products, the works, and I left. She was very cold with me, for good reason, and gave me the impression that she did not want to move forward at this time. I let it lay. I turned my phone on silent, grabbed my huge bottle of wine and drank my sorrows away. My god children were there that night and I tried to keep it together. They didn't need to see me like that or be exposed to that. Of course, they knew that sometime was wrong. Aunt AJ wasn't being Aunt AJ, so the littlest one sat on my lap and just hugged me as tight as she could. Later the oldest jumped up on me and we hugged for a long time too. I needed that. I needed to feel supported and safe. I needed a safe place to go this time, and I had found it. So I stayed. I turned my phone on silent and I stayed. Around 8PM she was starting to figure out that I was not coming home and began to call me repeatedly. I took a sleep-aid and curled up on the couch and saw this around 10. I couldn't leave her there... I couldn't let her face that alone. She is not as strong as I am. She would not survive. So I called her and talked to her and we ended up staying on the phone all night, asleep. Some patterns never die. We never could fully separate. We decided it was best for her to not be with me while she worked this out. Now, before you start judging, you need to know how much progress she had made. She was not manic this time. She had not intentions to start seeing other people, or to even see Ari. The guilt was just eating her alive and she needed closure. She needed to tell Ari just how fucked up she had made her. Just how much damage that she had done, and she needed to give that guilt to her, because not only was she carrying her own, but she was also carrying Ari's. She created a fake facebook account and wrote her on there. She told her exactly how she felt, how angry, disgusted, hurt, etc. that she was with Ari. She waited to make sure that Ari read it, Ari then started to respond. At this point she blocked her, and delete the account. She had all of the closure she needed. That was about a month ago. There has been no gut wrenching guilt, no second thoughts, nothing. I feel as though we may finally be free of this whole thing and be able to move forward successfully. I hope so, but I will not be weak again. I will not allow the tresspasses I did last summer, and she knows that.   1/24/18 May 25th 2016 I left. Nothing changed. I started a new life. I became a peer support specilist. I packed my bags and left. I got a house. I fell in love, and while it didn't end how I wanted, I fell in love again. It is possilbe. It is possible to move on from the person you thought you could never get over. Her and I talked for a year. Then we stopped. Now if I see her in public she wont look at me. She will run acctually. I dont know what to do with the situation I am in now. I found myself in the same situation. I think I need to go to counseling again. But I started school. I have two jobs. At one point I had three. I AM capable. I AM worthy. So are YOU. You dont have to settle. You are worth more than that. You are loved; if not by yourself, but at least by someone else. You are WORTHY of love.