Guys, desperate question here!!!
What does serving as in serving the Lord or serving in the church EVEN MEAN?!!
Because all the "service" I've done is so mentally and physically exhausting to me that I cannot wait to move church/ house/ country and THEN I'll finally be left alone and not be asked to do those things anymore. My job in church is to sing. Easy enough, huh? Except I don't like singing in public and that's exactly what I have to do. I can barely concentrate on the sermon/ even the lyrics' message, only concentrating on whether I have a "good enough" posture, whether I sing correctly, in tune with the lead singer and loudly enough. Whether I don't mess up the lyrics, too btw, because they use different translations then we used to at my childhood church. And the other service I'm doing is translation namely live interpretation. From Russian to Romanian and the reverse (since the refugees came). Ill admit I do this way less often than singing in church but it's 100 times more stressful per session. I'm barely a B1 level. Yet I'm supposed to deal with high stakes (as I see them) situations? Because I'm "the only Russian speaker (used that word loosely) around?"
Just as I was contemplating telling my mom I'd rather not even sing in church anymore, today mom told me. Why not teach English to these Ukrainian orphans at the Christian summer camp? And I instantly said no because that sounds beyond me and overall stressful. And she was like, but you know Russian and you are nearby to help, why not help?! If you don't serve, the Lord will use somebody else (both sentences said as a reprimand). And then she told me I shouldn't have chosen my current college if I didn't like working with people. As if my getting "out of my comfort zone" forcefully which made me feel lowkey exploited was my fault. Silly me for choosing Russian...in 2020... was I supposed to predict all of this, mom? And then she told me I'm always so opposed to every new idea and I always say no no no etc. First of all not true. Second of all I already told you why I said no. But she was like well if you never get used to saying yes to service when will you want to say yes.
Well out the window goes my finally being honest to mom about being utterly exhausted by my singing in church occupation. And ofc this situation makes me feel like a bad Christian. Like oh Alexandra do you really just hate helping people? Ever? But I feel like that's not true and I do help people. Sometimes with full initiative and care. But not when I'm forced to by others. And why is doing some level of volunteering mandatory??
Feeling like I'm literally not allowed rest and ir free time is a certified top 10 things that makes me cry tears of desperation. Surely serving the Lord is, yeah, something that hurts your ego and whatnot, but is it really something that has to be genuinely exhausting? Am I at fault here? I cannot just get a better attitude about it. I'm already drowning in work. I've been overwhelmed by schoolwork and personal stuff too since last year. Even earlier than last year. I'm so burnt out. My stomach is taking revenge on me. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Now I cannot even tell my mom I'd take a year off to rest. She told me that if I always refuse every opportunity I'll be dependent on my parents my whole life - aka my personal nightmare scenario. I do want freedom ASAP. But even my ticket to freedom as it were aka the opportunity I did say yes to namely getting a scholarship to study in Poland - even that feels impossible. Even if I get admitted which is not at all guaranteed given that my grades are plunging and I've barely progressed in my Polish enough (I need a B2 at the very least and I'm barely at B1 now - one does not simply advance from B1 to B2+ in a matter of a few months - much less when those few months are filled with courses, projects, lesson plans, essays, exams, writing my BA paper, graduation etc etc etc.) And even if I do get admitted I'll be so burnt out I won't be able to manage studying there - competing with native speakers as it were. Last time I was so TIRED TM was in 12th grade aka my senior year in high-school but that was conveniently cut short by lockdown! Yes the only way I was able to rest was if I was literally forced to. That's the education system for you.
I'm so tired it's existential at this point. And yes I do have to teach a lesson tomorrow, write an essay for Monday, write 5 pages of my BA this weekend, write like 3 assignments, and I have one more lesson to teach next week + two exams. And then the "heavyweight" exams. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
