I don’t post on here a lot. And I think every post I’ve posted recently has started out like that. But I kinda just need to rant a little bit tonight, I hope that’s okay. I’m not looking for sympathy. Or like, words of encouragement. I’m just here to rant about things...I guess.
Obviously 2020 is a shit show. I’ve been trying to have a baby for a year, that’s been stressful. And more and more, as much as a dumpster fire that my home country is right now. I just want to be there.
I thought this was my new home. But it isn’t. I don’t know if it ever will be. I don’t know if I want to give it a chance to be? I wanted it to be home but my home was a person as cliché and gross as that sounds. But everything I am is just screaming to go back.
I feel immense guilt when I think about all we have been through to get me here, and then just wanting to go back. I romanticized the shit out of living here and it’s just not what my soul needs. It’s a personal thing. Nothing against England. Hell there’s a lot of things I love about this country. A lot.
I don’t feel like my soul belongs here. I know I’ve only been here for almost 2 years and a lot of people wouldn’t say that’s long enough. There aren’t any immediate plans to go back to the states. So I’ll be here for a while. But my heart and my soul tell me this isn’t my permanent place. This isn’t where I will thrive. But I’ll be here for a while and we have come to terms with that. We being my entire being; heart, body, soul. We just have to wait.
So think I’m stupid or crazy or just not giving it enough time. Think whatever you’d like. This is how I feel.
