Summer 2016: An Emotional Fluctuation.
Entitling this "The Best Summer Ever" would undoubtedly be too high-school-essay for my liking. In a world of cliche blog posts, swimming through seas of open letters, I'm going to do my best to keep this from being one of those, but if I'm being honest, I can't promise anything.
The idea was for me to write about my summer and write about the adventures I had embarked on, whether good or bad. Now, as someone who firmly believes that if you're not creating something naturally, it's not worth stressing over; but I also do not like writing rough drafts, so opening document after document after document and writing nothing that made me feel good, I decided to scrap that idea. One good thing that did come from that was the overall theme, and something I kept coming back to: the word ‘vulnerability.’
I mentioned in an earlier blog post from the beginning of June, post Christina Grimmie murder, that my vulnerability was at an all time high due to how emotional I was and the lack of control I had on my emotions and feelings. That lasted for a few weeks and slowly dissipated, but the fear and paranoia I wrote about also, remained. What a way to start the summer.
I consider the beginning of my summer being the day of Warped Tour, because of it, but we'll get back to that in a second. After my brother's graduation, my calendar is filled with my work schedule, proudly flashing various mid-day shifts (that always made me feel like I was looking at a clock that continuously ticked at 12pm with every new hour), as well as miscellaneous arrival and departure dates for various occasions mixed in for good measure. The 21st of June was the show of the Grow Wild Tour I went to (what a time to be alive, huh? Again, we'll talk about that in a second), then the week following is when Ciara arrived, to go to Warped Tour which was the week after that.
Now, keep in mind that there was a chance I wouldn't have been able to go to Warped Tour. Dates clashed, a concert ticket wasn't the best thing for me to spend my money on, and eventually I became comfortable with the idea of not being able to go. Rule #1: never find comfort in something you should otherwise be pushing for.
Warped wasn't something I had planned on going to this year, if I'm completely honest. After paying $40 to see one band and stand in the heat for 6 hours last year, Hayley and I both agreed: never again. Then, as the new year unfolded, and With Confidence announced they signed with Hopeless Records, the possibility of them being on Warped became very apparent in mine and Ciara's minds, despite the reservations we had about it, even though it wasn't our place to have them. It was announced on my 21st birthday that they'd be jumping on the tour, and as expected, the tour was still coming to Charlotte. There was no doubt that I had to go, as I had been waiting for the opportunity to see this band for two and a half years.
Using a little sweet talking and some switching of dates, I managed to not only go, but go with the person I found With Confidence with. So many with's. We got there early, and decided to walk around in the sweltering heat and humidity for three hours until our first set, met 3 out of 4 confidences upon arrival, I was shaking profusely as the drummer tried to put a wristband on my wrist (sorry Josh), then waited for their set to start. Pre-set I felt like I was going to pass out, mid-set I almost did pass out screaming the word "HEY" from every corner of my lungs during their song Keeper, and post-set Ciara and I legitimately almost did pass out, and I knew we were close because she looked at me with a bright red face and said "do I have any color in my face?" Yikes.
Following that, we ventured back to the tent to get some pictures (which turned out inCREDIBLE?) and also gave them a little gift bag we put together, and continued on with our day. One set we missed WithCon's signing for was interrupted due to a rain and lightning delay, but following that the heat had subsided and we were left sitting in the amphitheater until 8:30, enjoying various bands from afar and watching people dance in the grass as they walked by. Even though I needed to be up less than 5 hours later to get on the road to drive back to my home state for family vacation, I went to bed that night the happiest I had been since the Grow Wild show, and possibly even before that.
The energy from that day didn't leave me for weeks. I'm starting to buzz because of it now, just recalling and writing about everything. It was a mix of finally seeing With Confidence live, getting to meet them and have genuine conversation with them, and the general atmosphere of Warped Tour. Living in a state that has quickly become against basic human rights, being able to walk around and feel comfortable amongst a large scale group that felt the same, who looked the same, and was there for the same reasons, made me beyond ecstatic.
Now here we are, over a month later.
Upon trying to write all of this in some sort of coherent way I'd be proud to show the world, I realized my writer's block is like Usher. Ever present, even when nowhere in sight. Filtering through every technique possible, I decided to take a seat, close my eyes, and listen to one of my favorite songs on With Confidence's new album, called Archers. In listening to that, I realized what I had been trying to write about had been sitting in my mind this whole time, and I had been talking about it to my friends for weeks.
The night of the Grow Wild show, I felt like a different person, when looking back on it. I won't get into the details of it, because I know you REALLY don't care, but I decided to ask Ali if she noticed it, and if so, could she sum it up for me. She simply said "..something along the lines of more free or more carefree... Being present, I think, really is what it was."
Partly, that's something I do agree with. Regardless of the lung collapsing anxiety I felt before the show, throughout the night I was enjoying my time and not rushing anything. I was talking to people I wouldn't normally converse with, in a manner I wouldn't normally have conversed. That's exactly how Warped Tour was, as well. Warped is a more normal place for me to just be. A show in a smaller venue, especially when things don't go as planned, not as much.
At this point, I have no doubt that my heightened state of vulnerability and my consistent irrational fear of dying too young at the beginning of the summer served as a catalyst for me now, at the end of the summer, to start being the person I’ve wanted to be since high school. I suppose in that sense, a thank you is in order.
I've expressed appreciation and pride many times, but for creating songs and content that makes my 21 year old self feel the teen angst that I never felt AS a teenager, thanks, With Confidence. Your songs continue to bring out some sort of energy that I don't feel listening to anything else, and that's exactly what Archers did both the first time I listened to it, and today, in desperate need of help to write this nonsense. For a song I wanted to be living at the beginning of the summer, I guess I'm already on my way there.... and I've got no complaints. Except for how damn humid it is, what fresh branch of hell am I living in?
This summer goes to show that maybe being vulnerable isn’t always the worst, especially when it comes to creating something you didn’t realize you had brewing within you all along.
