#fahrs

[braincalcification]

The one thing my sister doesn't understand is how exhausting it is.

As she is going through the death throes of her second marriage, calling me for support at 1 am, it's all I can do to keep my eyes open.

I have so much stress in my life as it is I thought I was having a heart attack yesterday, stressing over bills and our lack of income to pay them. Oh don't get me wrong, I'm still working in addition to caring for mom, but I'm paid based on the business' contracts. No contracts = no pay. And let's just say pickings have been slim.

Mom's now going blind due to calcium build up in her eyes, and we think her cancer meds are making her fahrs symptoms worse, but they want her on them another 3 years.

I'm thinking of taking her off them despite their insistence (I looked the med up, it's pretty hard core for a tumor they were able to excise completely without a mastectomy, and 5 years seems to be an excessively long period to be on them, again with a tumor they were able to completely remove)

So we're in the middle of all that and she calls me with her doomed marriage. A marriage I called as doomed before it even started, which sis was very angry about me (not) saying at the time. (Basically I wouldn't give her my blessing so to speak on something I knew wouldn't last)

Anyway, she calls and I've just had a long scary day, with a sudden pain in my chest accompanied by dizziness and the edges of my vision going black, where I worried for hours about whether I should take the 1 hr+ drive to a hospital, leaving mom here alone, only to go to bed still fearfull), having trouble sleeping, and then to woken with the call "He's gone crazy!"

And honestly, I'm just too tired to deal with this shit.

[braincalcification]

I have to keep reminding myself.

There will always be days like today. I will get through them one at a time.

I always have.

Even if I feel like I can't handle it anymore, somehow I will. And the day will be over.

And one day another day like today will come, and I'll have to fight the same battle again.

I know I am getting tired and I'm ready to give up. But my present self says to my future self

"See, you made it through this day, there's a high probability you make it through the next too."

[braincalcification]

I'm not gonna lie

There are days like today where it's just too much. She was having an episode, getting increasingly more violent towards the cats. She stepped on one and when it was pointed out said "well good" which led into an altercation between the two of us, culminating in her throwing an elbow into my ribs and literally smooshing a brownie in my face like she was a toddler or teen. But this is a 60 year old woman we're talking about. I swear it makes me wonder why I even bother. Why I don't hand her off to an institution and stop wasting my life.

But that makes me feel extremely guilty because this, THIS DISEASE. It isn't my mother. This isn't the woman I used to know and I fucking HATE this disease.

And worse? By tomorrow, she won't remember