#failed goals

[sailor-toni]

[infertilityistheworst]

Started from the bottom

. . . and I’m STILL here (and not impressed)

Halfway through this cycle and it’s not going well.  The original intent was for this to be our last IUI attempt, but a mid cycle estrogen dip has put that plan in jeopardy.  

But I've had bad cycles before, and obviously failed attempts, so what’s the big deal about this one?  The big deal is that so far I’ve done EVERYTHING right (and then some).  We’ve invested our $1200 this month, I’ve been to all 10 appointments (at a cost to my work and practice schedule), and I’ve taken every single injection (and I have the bruised stomach to prove it). All this, and we may not even be able to attempt our IUI, and without an attempt, we go right back to square one and have to start from scratch next month.

I love running, because there is always a way to measure progress. Whether it’s a distance or a time goal, there is always a way to quantify some sort of success.  And even in a fail a distance run, you never lose the miles you covered before you stopped.

Infertility sucks because there is no progress to be made. There is no way to measure success, no ‘halfway pregnant.’  Every cycle your goal is the same, and every failed cycle makes it seem like goal is more and more of a challenge.  And eventually you feel like you’re trying to climb to some far off mountain top, and there are no footholds along the way.  So even the smallest slip of fall (even those you can’t control) and you slide right back down to the bottom and have to start again.  

What’s the saying, ‘insanity is the doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results?’  What about failing at the same thing 27 times in a row? Insanity? Desperation? Pathetic? I’ll let you be the judge. 

[pagestohearts]

Also I have to tell everyone. My habits are getting easier for once!! This Youtuber (A Slob Comes Clean/Dana K White) talked about "noncommittal experimentation" which is when, instead of making a goal or a plan like so many self-helpers say you ABSOLUTELY MUST do, you just. try something. today, one time. see how painful/hard it really is and collect it as information. Boom, bang, success! You've completed the experiment! It "removes the possibility of failure" because the goal is immediate.

Because 'goal plans' send my nervous system straight to the place of remembering all of the many many goals just like this one that have overwhelmed or burnt me out or I've given up on or not even actually started, all mixed up with shame on all sides from all the adults who say I should be better, and before I've even started the goal feels hopeless. Impossible. Terrifyingly large. I feel ill. Even if I say a couple misses aren't failure or I can change my approach as I go or it's a once a MONTH goal, I have too many awful associations with that mindset. It's an often-crippling anxiety/dread.

With these little experiments, I get to bypass at least some of that and just observe myself. If it's every bit as scary as I thought it'd be (some things are!) I can say "that didn't work but the experiment is complete!" and then go at it a different way the next time, or just work on a different habit (I have so many that need attention) or take a break with no feeling of failure. Instead I feel relieved by the absence of that shame I always associate with goals. I'm genuinely so grateful for it. I've brushed/flossed/mouthwashed at like 15 bedtimes now and I'm not getting that dread buildup/overwhelm at the thought of "keeping it up" because I'm not trying to keep it up. I'm just doing it this time. I repeat "noncommittal experimentation" in my head and I feel comparatively lovely~

The video I heard it in was a live-streamed Q&A and she does lots of those so I'd never be able to find it probably, but here's a different one about it. She can be a little rambly but the first fifteen minutes are all you really need.

[virgin-in-animal-print]

"That is it! My new goal in life is to become a personal figure skater by the age of 23!"-me "Uh... aren't you 22? And isn't your birthday in less than 4 months?"-co-worker "Those are only minor details!"-me

Virgin in Zebra Stripes

[cloakedsparrow]

There were things about the comic that frankly have bothered me for decades, but I decided going in, I'm not going to try to put my stamp on the movie. I'm not going to try to change it and make it better or whatever," Timm told CBR in a video interview last month at Comic-Con International in San Diego. "We're going to do a straight adaptation of the comic. I've been ambivalent about the comic for a long time. But it's a great comic. It's definitely disturbing on a lot of levels, but we didn't back away from any of that.

Bruce Timm Talks "Ambivalent" Feelings on "Batman: The Killing Joke" Comic | Comic Book Resources

[dailybibledeclarations]

I Reflect: Why Do Most New Year Resolutions Fail?

I Reflect: Why Do Most New Year Resolutions Fail?

Have you ever wondered why most new year resolutions fail? they fail because people forget to seek God over their goals. Whatever your new year resolution is, SEEK GOD about it. “Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take”(Proverbs 3:6) “Commit to the LORD whatever you do, and your plans will succeed” (Proverbs 16:3). When you seek God’s will in all you do and you commit…

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[mikeyinmikeyland]

Mike: Jesus may have hated the Devil and Corona. But he hated silly things more. I must not be silly.

[kallexnuh]

Spring Break

Not only did I not finish all eight Harry Potter films, I only finished the first one. Oh well, that’s life I guess. Maybe I’ll catch up sometime this week, and doesn't ABC Family do some kind of Marathon?