Infertile Teacher

One woman's journey through infertility

[infertilityistheworst]

Never thought that this would happen . . .

My best friend just had a baby and it’s got me having all the feels (in the best of ways)

A little bit of backstory first. My best friend has been my silver lining in this whole journey. She has been my (in)fertility sister who has had her own struggles, and I am convinced that it was the Universe showing me some mercy. Who else gets to have another female next to you that gets what you’re going through because she’s there too? One that you’ve known since you were six.

So when she finally got her miracle I was nervous. I loved her and didn’t want to have the same deep down ugly feelings I had in the past about others.

But again, the Universe showed me mercy. For once I was genuinely happy about a pregnancy. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been happy for my other friends too. But that happiness had always been diluted by so many other, stronger emotions.

These last few weeks, with her due date drawing nearer, I’ve been anxious. What was my first feeling going to be when I saw her new baby. I so wanted it to be joy, but what if it wasn’t?

Now I take little to no credit in my positivity. Throughout her pregnancy she has been so careful about how she communicates, moving at a pace even I didn’t know I needed.

I am so happy to report that she sent a picture of herself and her baby this morning (only after asking if I wanted one). And there it was, plain as day . . . JOY. No sadness, no jealousy, just happiness with a sprinkle of cute.

And for once in three years I feel like a person again. I feel like maybe I won’t carry these scars with me forever. I feel like maybe I can experience happiness, just happiness not diluted by all those other stronger negative feelings.

And I show my husband. And we have a nice chat about how he feels the same way, and it’s the first time as a couple we feel like part of the outside world in a very long time.

. . . And then my phone pings. And it’s our extended friend group chat. I’m assuming it’s my bestie sending out the photo of her new daughter. Nope - pregnancy announcement. I shit you not.

And again I am angry at the Universe because she couldn’t just give me five minutes of peace.

[infertilityistheworst]

Well, these three events just happened simultaneously

-my period arrived full force

-the birth of a second child to close friends (and being the at the center of the news/celebration hub)

-Mother’s Day Weekend😱

And that, my infertile friends, is what they call:

THE PERFECT STORM

[infertilityistheworst]

I swear to God.

If I hear one more joke about the baby boom after quartine . . .

I WISH I had that problem. Trust me, being locked up in the same house isn’t going to solve our issue. 🤷🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

[infertilityistheworst]

Still feeling like I’m hiding some Tragic Flaw . . .

Another clinic, another doctor, more tests, no answers

Finally had my initial consultation at my new specialist in Toronto. My husband and I spent all morning going through another round of tests. Many of which we’ve already done. But hey, why not. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Without going into detail, the one gift infertility has given me is a total lack of shame. I have been in more embarrassing, uncomfortable and humiliating situations than you could dream up in your worst social nightmare. So there’s that as a win I guess.

Our day ended with the exact same news we started with- unexplained infertility. There is absolutely no reason that a couple as ‘young’ and ‘healthy’ as us shouldn’t have a child. Except . . . IT’S BEEN ALMOST THREE YEARS. 🙄

While I guess it’s better than being diagnosed with a problem, it is beyond frustrating to not be given a solution. I feel like I have some hidden flaw that no one can see and I’m really great at covering up (so good that I don’t even know that it’s there).

The other good bit of news - we got added to the list for funded IVF.

The wait is about 14 months.

I’m sure the time will just fly by.

Anyone have a time machine?

[infertilityistheworst]

Say it louder for those in the back . . . 👏🏻👏🏻

[infertilityistheworst]

Babies are ruining all my favourite holidays (just call me a cynical bastard)

*Second seriously salty rant ahead. Don’t read if you are a serial baby photo poster. You’ve been warned . . .

My relationship with my husband is one of the things in my life that I couldn’t be happier with at the moment. Infertility has brought us closer in an ‘us against the world’ kind of way. So with Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years all being a struggle this year, I was really looking forward to Valentine’s Day . . . until it happened.

Opening up social media today and it seems that Valentine’s Day has morphed into yet ANOTHER kid centered holiday (like we didn’t have enough already). Every post I see has a baby adorned in hearts, or covered in kiss marks (and a pregnancy announcement, seriously ?!?) All read captions like ‘My one true love’ or ‘He has my heart.’ Husbands are you mad about this? Because my first nine posts today were mom and baby only, no mention of a spouse. Did you all collectively forget Valentine’s Day and anger your wives, or are you just forgotten?

Deep down I know I should just be grateful that I am in a happy and committed relationship today. I am so blessed in that way. Really I think I was just looking forward to one holiday that didn’t automatically link love and happiness to having a child.

[infertilityistheworst]

Just don’t look . . .

I can already feel it, that end of year panic setting in. This time of year for infertile couple is the actual worst. For two reasons.

1) Families are always so damn happy together, and they really want you to know. In a holiday that centers around children, it can be impossible to navigate through social media without being suffocated by ‘my kids are the light of my life’ posts.

2) Year end reviews. This one is arguably worse then the first because it’s internal. As much as you shut down external stimuli, deep down you still know that you failed at the one thing you worked towards all year . . .

So while I have not nearly had enough wine to tackle the second reason, my solution to the first is ‘Just don’t look.’ If I avoid social media this week, and there’s no one to look at the 87 photos of their child opening presents, the monsters lose all their powers, right?

So from now until the 27th I will be in my basement, drinking wine and having a Harry Potter marathon. See you on the other side!

[infertilityistheworst]

Eyes on the prize . . .(got a good feeling about Plan L)

Plan A: Get pregnant the first month we try

Plan B: Get pregnant within the first three months (like 68%  of couples)

Plan C: Take my temperature every morning and use graphs to figure out when I’m ovulating. Science solves everything right.

Plan D: Begin taking a plethora of vitamins daily, must be a chemical thing.  This includes hubby too. 

Plan E: Start carrying a rose quartz crystal in my bra everyday, must be a spiritual thing.

Plan F: Accept medical help is needed, join waitlist at fertility clinic

Plan G: Get pregnant using oral medications, daily hormone and follicle monitoring (give yourself three cycles of this).

Plan H: Get pregnant using injections, daily hormone and follicle monitoring (give yourself three cycles of this).

Plan I: Get pregnant during first IUI attempt (including hormone injections and daily monitoring)

Plan J: Get pregnant during second IUI attempt (including hormone injections and daily monitoring)

Plan K: Get pregnant during third IUI attempt (including hormone injections and daily monitoring)

Plan L: IVF (eventually)

Been off the grid for a bit trying to cope with our reality.

What I did know (somewhere in the back of my mind): IVF was always a possible endgame.

What I did not know: How long the road to IVF is.

Hubby and I made the decision to make the jump, so I can just start next month right (we’ve already ben trying for 29 cycles). 

Turns out the wait for the IVF specialist is 4 months.  And the waitlist in Ontario right now for a semi-funded cycle is between 8 months to 18 months and can only be joined after your first consultation.

So to sum up my current fertility prospects in one image:

[infertilityistheworst]

Hey look Ma, I (almost, kind of) made it

(Sort of) successfully survived a baby shower this weekend

I reached a milestone, I attended a shower for a great friend that I originally had no intention of going to. I was torn because, as previously mentioned, baby showers are the worst BUT this one was for one was for someone special.

The original plan was to drink wine all afternoon instead of being within 100 feet of the building. My AMAZING best friend bought and wrapped my gift, and was going to bring it for me while concocting some sort of emergency diarrhea scenario excusing my absence. But the night before I got cold feet about my avoidance, and decided I couldn’t hide away for forever.

Through a strategy of constant grazing of the food table, staring at the ceiling rather than anywhere else, and loud and inappropriate laughter to drown out anything I couldb’t handle hearing, I was able to stay for the full length of the shower. And I only had to excuse myself once to cry behind a dumpster in the rain, a win in my books.

I left feeling proud, I left feeling accomplished, feeling like I wanted to share. So I VERY carefully concoted a post sharing part of my gift. I’m a chemistry teacher, and my amazing bestie had purchased an ‘Organic Chemistry for Babies book’ that was too cute not to share. I spent a while on the caption, settling along the lines of ‘Found the perfect gift for a baby shower this weekend.’ Not 30 seconds later did I have a series of messages asking if I was pregnant. 🤦🏻‍♀️ The sting was real. I actually had to edit my original post stating ‘I’m not pregnant, just all of my friends are.’

So back down into my hole I go. Any ground I gained this weekend was lost, and I revert to my original sentiment . . . Baby showers are INDEED the worst.

[infertilityistheworst]

What exactly is a family?

And how the heck do I level up.

It’s the season for heavy posting of adorable photo shoots featuring pumpkins, plaid, and all else fall.

My news feed has been packed the last couple of weeks with mother and child standing in a corn field, or father and son picking out a pumpkin together. Each of these photos have a flurry of comments reading “Beautiful family”, “What an adorable family”, “Love our little family.”

So why is it when I post a photo of my husband and I in the exact same cornfield, wearing the exact same plaid, we get “What a lovely couple.”

My husband and I have been together for fourteen years. Even outside the turmoil that is infertility, we been through so many ups and downs our bond is totally unshakable. We share the same loving home.  We have exchanged hopes, dreams, darkest fears, ambitions, and anything life has managed to throw at us. Yet we are still not classified as a family.

So what do we have to do to earn the family title?  If we are not able to procreate, are we doomed to live in couple hood for the rest of our lives?

If anyone know the secret to getting into the family club please let me know.  Is it a handshake, password, do I have to undergo some sort of initiation.  Seriously.  Asking for a friend. 

[infertilityistheworst]

Just realized I’m living on the wrong side of a Fairy Tale

It’s every little girls dream to grow up and be a princess.  This beautiful kindhearted person who is loved by all.

However, after a bad string of unwanted social obligations paired with three pregnancy announcements this weekend, I’ve come to the realization that I may not be playing the role I expected.  There are no cute woodland creatures helping me get dressed in the morning, I am no longer young and full of dreams,  and I can’t sing to save my life. 

More and more I feel myself becoming, for lack of a better term, bitter.  I no longer feel that I can share in other people’s joy.  I wish I could say I was genuinely happy for them, but I’m not.  Instead when I look at their families or see their happy smiling faces in their pregnancy announcement, I just find myself thinking harsh hurtful thoughts.  I’m jealous, resentful, and feel like I should be entitled to the same happiness.

So . . .  enter the evil witch.  Every fairy tale had one.  The antagonist to the beautiful princess, ugly and spiteful, and ready to steal the princess’s joy for her own gain.  That’s me. 

So what can I do to save society from myself.  Retreat to my hut? Live alone in the woods without social interaction? This really just feels like a self fulfilling prophesy. No matter what path I take I feel like I am just travelling further into the territory of witch hood. I even grew an angry pimple on my chin this weekend just to add to the aesthetic. 

So, here I go, ready to live my best witch life.  At least I’m in time for Halloween?

Once upon a time there was a kind and happy teacher . . . then infertility took her goodness. 

[infertilityistheworst]

The universe hates me . . .

Today is my husband’s birthday.  Today is also the day of my scheduled beta test to find out if IUI number three worked.  I convinced myself I was going to give my husband the only gift he really wanted for his birthday.  I convinced myself that the nausea and sore boobs this time meant pregnancy.  Unfortunately I forgot an important piece of information . . .  the universe hates me.

Just got the email saying the results are negative.  I don’t want to ruin my husband’s big day, so instead I am at school (on my prep) crying in my classroom alone so he won’t know.

This also means a month off of treatments, more testing, and most likely IVF as the next step (whenever that will be).

I also got the news this week that I am officially the last of my non-single friends who is not A) Pregnant OR B) Recently (within the last few months) had a child.

Well, I hope he likes his sandals because at this point apparently that’s all I can offer . . .

[infertilityistheworst]

It’s the scariest time of year

No, not Halloween (I LOVE Halloween).  Baby shower season. Read on for my traumatic baby shower experience, and why all baby showers are the worst

I have been actively avoiding my mailbox for at least a week.  Why?  Because I know at least one baby shower invitation is looming, ready to pop out and steal whatever positive energy I may have going for me that day.  The sad part is the shower is for a really great friend, and I really wish I could be excited about it.  But I can’t.  Because baby showers are the worst.  Why? Let me take you back in time. . . 

It was before the fertility clinic.  It was before treatment.  We were struggling, but I was convinced if I tried hard enough, my husband and I could still conceive naturally. 

Close friends of ours, who had started trying to conceive after us, were hosting their baby shower.  I was desperate to at least be pregnant in time for the shower.  I put all my energy and positivity into it. And finally, the universe answered us back.  Two little (faint) pink lines with three days to spare before the shower.  

I can still remember to this day how overflowing with joy I was. I didn't yet tell my husband, we had already struggled so much, and I wanted the moment to be perfect.  I was still hoping to capture the moment on camera.  I went to the mall to buy baby running shoes.  We were both runners, and it seemed right for the reveal.  I shared what I only pictured to be a knowing smile with a fellow pregnant woman, only she could understand the joy that was inside me at that moment.

The next few days was tough to keep my secret.  We were at stag and doe the day before the shower, and I got caught ordering virgin drinks from the bar (for all those who know me, this is very suspicious).  I also got caught pitching a jello shooter in the garbage instead of taking it after straight up lying to the question ‘You’re not pregnant, are you?’. 

One more day.  I had my reveal for my husband planned for after the shower.  I was going for my first round of bloodwork the day after the shower, and I wanted him to share in that moment.  One more day and I could let him in on this happiness.

And then the cramps started.  They woke me from a dead sleep at 5 AM the morning of the shower.  This could not be normal.  I rushed to the bathroom and my stomach dropped, blood.   I knew what was happening (because this had already happened before).  I had lost my little pink line.

I never went back to sleep that night, just laid in bed crying.  I wasn’t ready to tell my husband, I couldn't say it out loud.  

So instead, I did what any sane person would do.  I gathered my appetizer and game I was in charge of, put on a nice dress, and WENT TO THE SHOWER.  Still bleeding, still cramping, and wearing what I can only imagine was a slightly broken smile on my face.

I was there for all of 10 minutes before a mutual friend/co-worker who I hadn’t seen for a while cornered me.  I had just convinced myself I may actually make it though without crying when she approached me, placed her hands on my stomach, and asked when I was planning on becoming pregnant.  I know what you are thinking and no I am NOT MAKING THIS UP!  I couldn’t even think of something that cruel.

So needless to say I spent the remainder of the shower locked in the bathroom.  I emerged long enough to deliver my baby jeopardy and drink half a bottle of wine (the best friends have wine at their baby showers) before retreating to my stall.

So that is why I hate baby showers.  Maybe this time I’ll have enough courage to actually RSVP NO rather than feeling the obligation to go.  Or maybe I’ll just spend the whole time locked in the bathroom again.  Only time will tell . . . 

[infertilityistheworst]

I’m just going to leave this here for whoever may need it . . .

Wherever you are in your infertility journey (hopeful, sad, angry, desperate) just know that I see you and I am proud of you. You are allowed to cry, you’re allowed to feel anger or whatever else you may need to feel, just don’t give up. Never give up.

[infertilityistheworst]

Started from the bottom

. . . and I’m STILL here (and not impressed)

Halfway through this cycle and it’s not going well.  The original intent was for this to be our last IUI attempt, but a mid cycle estrogen dip has put that plan in jeopardy.  

But I've had bad cycles before, and obviously failed attempts, so what’s the big deal about this one?  The big deal is that so far I’ve done EVERYTHING right (and then some).  We’ve invested our $1200 this month, I’ve been to all 10 appointments (at a cost to my work and practice schedule), and I’ve taken every single injection (and I have the bruised stomach to prove it). All this, and we may not even be able to attempt our IUI, and without an attempt, we go right back to square one and have to start from scratch next month.

I love running, because there is always a way to measure progress. Whether it’s a distance or a time goal, there is always a way to quantify some sort of success.  And even in a fail a distance run, you never lose the miles you covered before you stopped.

Infertility sucks because there is no progress to be made. There is no way to measure success, no ‘halfway pregnant.’  Every cycle your goal is the same, and every failed cycle makes it seem like goal is more and more of a challenge.  And eventually you feel like you’re trying to climb to some far off mountain top, and there are no footholds along the way.  So even the smallest slip of fall (even those you can’t control) and you slide right back down to the bottom and have to start again.  

What’s the saying, ‘insanity is the doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results?’  What about failing at the same thing 27 times in a row? Insanity? Desperation? Pathetic? I’ll let you be the judge. 

[infertilityistheworst]

Trying to focus on the opportunity

And not the challenge

Well my carefree summer is over, and everything is piling up already.

I was only back at work for one day before I was also due back at the clinic. My life has gone from quality time with my husband (and much needed self-care time for myself) to almost being late to my second day of class. Literally. I jogged in to my Grade 12 classroom at the same time as the bell still holding my meds (I hadn’t had time to stash them in the fridge yet).

But as much as I long for summer and burying my head in the sand, that’s not me. This month I am trying to focus on the opportunities I’ve been granted rather than the challenges that have been forced upon me. The good news, we’re good cleared to proceed for this cycle! 5 AM alarms, blood draws, ultrasounds, hormones, I’m ready for you. 👊🏻 💪

[infertilityistheworst]

Thank you to all my sisters (and brothers) in the ttc community, and all of those others offering up their love

Call me an internal optimist, or naive, whatever you see fit. I’m a person who tries to put out so many good vibes, and can’t imagine anyone doing anything else. I’m intrinsically trusting, and have been know to leave my door unlocked during the day and my cell phone unattended because I want (and believe) only the best from others.

Infertility can be incredibly isolating, and often times you are (mostly unintentionally), can be put in incredibly hurtful and compromising positions.

That’s why when I found the ttc community (and my closest circle of supporters) I was blown away by the love friends, and in some cases strangers, can give you.

I know some of my sisters (myself included) has been dealt a harsh dose or cruelty recently, but know this:

YOU ARE STRONGER BECAUSE OF YOUR BATTLE

YOU HAVE GROWN ARMOUR MANY NEVER WILL

YOU ARE STILL, IN EVERY ASPECT A WOMAN

Do not let the opinion of one lone nut every sway your own self worth.

And to @poirotfanatic , please know I’m not hurt, I ain’t even mad. I am showing you sympathy because I know that hate comes from hurt (whether you are at this moment aware of it’s origin or not). Please know this is not an invitation for a dialogue but instead a chance for me to wish you a speedy recovery from whatever dark hole you live in. 😘