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09/06/25
Hi friends. I’ll have two years completely clean and sober in November. What a crazy fucking concept. On Monday, I will be starting my new job in outreach at a community health center. Making more money than I ever have before (the right way). I’ve gone back to school. If you woulda tried to tell me all this was going to happen to me back then, I wouldn’t have believed you. Sometimes, I still don’t believe myself.
02/13/25 Day 452 of recovery
I just want to get fucked up. That is it, that is the answer. I’m so fucking tired. I’m trying so so hard, these last 14 months I’ve been trying so so hard. And I still feel like I’m failing
05/29/24 3:47am
Hi. Been awhile. So much has changed in the months, years (?) since I’ve made a post. Well, I went to rehab. Seven years of active use and over two decades of just… pain and trauma. We ended up in treatment from Nov-April ‘24. This program and the people in it helped me in ways I cannot even describe. I have a little over 6 months completely sober. I’ve moved cities, I live in halfway with nine other people (don’t even get me started), went back to work at a Target, and tonight, as I’m writing, I am still sober.
The only constant has been my chosen family, and Felix. I’m very lucky. Anyways, here we are again in the little blue hole of the internet💜
As protests continue all across the United States remember that it IS okay to protest at home. If you are disabled or ill or cannot go out and physically protest for another reason PLEASE do not feel guilt. You can be just as active from your home by doing things like: Sharing BLM posts, sharing posts on how to protest safely, sharing posts about medical resources in your area for protestors. You can also educate yourself and others. Amplify Black Voices, and donating to bail out funds or other foundations. Do NOT feel bad if you can not physically join the protests. You CAN still stand with the movements.
So, it has come to my attention that I am a lot more autistic then I actually was aware of. Even though I got the diagnosis as a teenager, it was always something I brushed off and never accommodated. It was always taken at face value but then I was told “oh you just have borderline personality disorder” or “you’re too high functioning to have ASD” when literally, I do have it. I personally have just never talked about it, never explored how it shows up in my life until the other day. I was talking to a close friend on facetime about how I’ve been struggling more with moving ect ect and he goes “dude, are you sure you’re just not autistic and got misdiagnosed with BPD” and I laughed and said “wait, you can... tell? I actually got an autism dx a teenager” and he looks at me and goes “yeah, dude, its obvious to me that you’re autistic” and so a few days later I was having another conversation with my best friend Noah who asked me to take the RAADs test, and lol I scored a 185/220 lol. Its not a matter of... proving I’m autistic, I think its more of... taking off the mask? When I was talking to them about it they said “you’ve been masking for 23 years, but none of your autism symptoms have actually gone away, you’ve just... learned how to live with in and not show your true self”.
After that conversation I started looking at how I live my life, about how I really only watch three TV shows, about how I really only engage with topics I am deeply passionate about. I thought those things were... just normal to me. When like, I do those things because I am literally just autistic. Its really scary to... be in a situation where now the questions I’m asking are “so what if I leaned into the dx as a teen and actually accommodated my autism, like, would my life be different” and the answer is yes. My aggression, emotional regulation issues, struggling to make and keep friends... that’s literally all because I’m fucking autistic lol, I plan on bringing it back up in therapy because while I know you can have comorbid disorders and ASD, I question my diagnosis now. Been a wild 48 hours and a lot of... internal questioning has me asking like, have I been living my life wrong? How do I start like unlearning and living my most authentic self?
how much longer am I required to keep trying before it’s acceptable to stop. I’m so tired if feels like my bones are breaking and I don’t know how much of this fucking heaviness I have left.
In life, relieving pressure is not always easy, but it’s just as important. Too much stress takes a toll on our mental and physical health. So go for a walk, meet up with a friend, dance it out. Seek out the moments of joy that keep us alive.
-Meredith Grey
It’s been 5 days here and I’m really just… having a hard time. I miss my home and the normalcy of living at Jessie’s. I miss Evan and all my favorite coffee shops. How long until somewhere feels like home
