Fix You - Part 3.3 of the FamAU
Characters: Logan Sanders, Patton Hart, Janus Viper
Summary: Patton feels like his chances are slipping away from him
Words: 2900
Warnings: Repression, anxiety, sad feelings, let me know if I should add any more :)
A/N: UgH I don’t like this but it’s been sitting in my drafts for months so I just gotta buckle up and post it
Taglist (let me know if I should add you or take you off): @espepspes @kaileah-kat @i-need-you-buddy
***
Patton doesn’t mind mornings, the light shining through the window, the birds singing, the sound of campus waking up and the occasional bark of a dog.
This morning though, he’d rather just go to sleep.
He was up until one in the morning, just staring at his ceiling, doing nothing. He might’ve gotten up to draw or work on some homework, but he didn’t want to wake up his roommate.
The roommate who apparently doesn’t have the same politeness towards him because he throws a shirt at Patton’s face rather abruptly before either of their alarms even go off.
Patton grabs it and sits up, raising his eyebrows at Dee. “Something wrong?”
Dee looks bored. He generally does, really. Patton has learned to see through it.
“Patton, dear, if you don’t get up and go, you’ll miss your morning rendezvous with specs.”
Patton blinks at him a few times, then flops back down on his bed.
Across the room, Dee sighs. “What is it then?”
“There’s only a week left!” Patton covers his face, sticking his legs in the air and probably looking ridiculous.
“Then tell him.”
Rolling sideways and off the bed, Patton stands, making a pouty face. Dee is staring at him like he looked at the cat Patton brought in from the rain last year. “I can’t just tell him! What if… what if he hates me?”
“Of course, love. After four years of following you around like some love sick cyber puppy, I’m sure he hates you.”
“Really?”
“No!”
Patton loves Dee, he very much does, after bunking with him for four years, how could he not?
That being said, he might be on the brink of shooting Dee one of his famous condescending glares right back.
“Well you could be a little clearer, kiddo.”
Dee sighs for the third time. “Come on, Patton-pouter, I’ll walk you outside.”
Excited, because Patton rarely has time to spend with his friend anymore except at night, Patton pulls on his shirt and shoes in record time. “Are you meeting Maeve?”
“Later,” Dee says, and he goes just a little red at that. “She wants to go over her Welfare project. Again.”
“I’m sure she’s just being thorough!” Patton says brightly, pocketing his phone and throwing open the door.
Dee shuffles through with a grumbled, “Thoroughly obnoxious.”
Patton watches as he flips his hair back from his face, and doesn’t try to hide the proud smile when he doesn’t duck his head to cover the large scar on the left side of his face, even after Dee sticks his tongue out at him.
“Oh, don’t be like that! I’m just glad you’ve decided to stop hiding!”
“It’s been almost a year, Patton. Are you ever going to stop mentioning it every morning?”
“Nope!”
Patton smiles brighter when Dee turns away, barely concealing a small smile.
His smile falters slightly as he looks down at his shoulders. He opens the door again and leans into the room just far enough to pull his cardigan off the coat hook inside. Patton rubs the fabric between his hands and stares at it.
“I am aware of your- er- fascination with cats. So I’ve gotten you a gift… if you’d like it, of course.”
“Lo! This is absolutely purr-fect!”
“Oh god.”
Patton snaps out of the memory when Dee waves a hand in front of his face, and knocks his chin up with a finger. “Come on, you’ll be late.”
Nodding, Patton throws the cat-cardigan over his shoulders and ties it securely.
“Don’t you ever wear it?”
“How would I take it off fast enough to give it to someone who needs comfort?”
Dee goes just a little bit red, and he scoffs and shakes his head. “You’re impossible.”
“You’re pretty!” Patton giggles when that makes Dee turn even redder.
The two walk side by side, and Patton shuffles his feet just a little more than usual. Sure, he’s always happy to see Logan! It’s just…
Just what? Patton bites his lip and shakes his head, taking deep breaths until he can smile without it shaking.
He’s excited to see Logan. That’s it. No deeper meaning, no hidden sadness. He’s happy.
Patton is happy.
Dee opens the door out of their dorm building, leaning against it with one hand in his pocket and looking very much like the lawyer he’s studying to be. “See you this afternoon, darling.”
“Have fun with Maeve!” Patton calls, waving his entire hand so it flaps around on his wrist. Dee snorts and gives him a two finger salute before going back inside.
Looking around, Patton takes a deep breath, letting the smells of campus flow through him.
Leaves and fresh cut grass, coffee and waffles, it smells like fall.
“How can something… smell like a season?”
“You know! How winter smells cold, How summer smells like the beach-“
“We’re nowhere near a beach, Patton.”
“It’s the idea of the thing!”
“I thought it was a smell?”
Patton laughs out loud at the memory, reaching up to pull at a few of his curls, measuring them to his nose absentmindedly as he walks.
He passes a tree, and stops at a chirping sound. He turns and tilts his head at the bird a foot from his face, and he could’ve sworn the bird tilted its head back. “Hi there little guy! I hope I didn’t interrupt your morning song!”
The bird chirps three times, fluttering its wings and hopping to a higher branch.
“You’re beautiful,” Patton tells it with a wave, and continues on his way. He thinks it’s a woodpecker. Logan would know.
It’s about three minutes later when he sees Logan ahead of him, right on time, as usual. Patton waves at him even though his back is turned, “Hey!”
Logan doesn’t stop, but his steps slow down and Patton races to catch up. “Hey Logan!” He says again, maybe a little louder than necessary.
He debates giving Logan a hug, but decides on a light hip tap so as not to invade his space without warning. “How are you?”
Logan nods, and when he adjusts his glasses Patton has the sudden urge to do the same, so he does, and his ears turn pink even when Logan doesn’t notice.
“I am well,” his friend says, and Patton gives him a once over.
His face is slacker than usual, he’s slouching more than usual (though it’s still barely at all) and his tie is crooked. It takes all Patton has to not reach out and adjust it. “You sure? You’re looking a bit tired.”
“That would be because I am,” Logan replies, and his heart sinks. Then Logan smiles at him, and Patton can’t help but smile back. “Not to worry, one bad night of sleep won't stop me from functioning properly.”
Patton guesses it’s been more than one night. He doesn’t comment on it, mostly because that would be a weird follow up to the giggle that escapes him because Logan is so gosh darn cute.
They’re quiet for a few minutes, and Patton focuses on the sidewalk, stepping over cracks and occasionally veering off to look at pretty yellow dandelions. On one of the flowers is a ladybug, and he crouches down next to it to watch it crawl between the itty bitty petals.
“How are you, Patton?”
Patton stands, messing with his cardigan sleeves so Logan can’t tell his hands are shaking. He grins as wide as he can, “I’m awesome! On the way here I saw a woodpecker!”
Patton doesn’t miss the way Logan slows to walk with him, and for some reason it makes his throat hurt.
“Considering where we are,” Logan starts in his teaching voice, and Patton’s throat gets tighter. “It’s more likely you saw a Northern Flicker. They do look quite alike.”
Getting an idea and jumping on it, Patton makes a face at Logan, “Do you want to see my impression of a Northern Flicker?”
Logan looks hesitant, eyeing him warily, and then nods.
Patton grins wider and points his hand north, and starts flicking.
“I don’t see how that resembles a bir- oh.” Logan’s face turns exasperated. “Oh because you’re flicking to the north- that’s- that’s completely awful.”
“You love me,” Patton coos dramatically.
He regrets it the second he says it.
“Do you have lunch plans today?” Logan asks, maybe a little too quickly.
Patton tells himself very sternly in his head not to cry. He reties his cardigan to have something to do and shakes his head, “Nope! None.”
Quiet. Patton blinks rapidly.
Logan clears his throat and for a horrifying second Patton thinks he’s going to ask why in the world would Patton thinks he loves him because they’re only friends and besides they’ll be strangers in a week and-
“Would you like to attend lunch together?”
Patton almost passes out in relief. He clasps his hands behind him, another way to hide the shaking. “Yeah! We’ve been friends long enough that you don’t have to ask anymore, Lo.”
Logan trips a little, but keeps his eyes ahead. Patton wonders just how tired he really is.
The coffee shop door swings open when Logan pushes at it, and Patton bounces through.
Almost everyone in the coffee shop waves at him or says hi, and it makes Patton’s insides warm. He passes Eliot on their way out the door, and the student waves at him, “Hey Patt!”
“Eliot! Hey!” Patton waves back, and his eyes go wide as he remembers the talk they had in Animal Sciences two days ago. “How’d the English final go?”
“Aced it!”
The warm feeling in Patton’s chest gets bigger. “Aw, kiddo! I knew you could!”
Eliot snorts and changes the topic, Patton doesn’t argue. Compliments are hard sometimes. “Getting coffee for Professor Aldridge again?”
“You bet!”
“Man, if I didn’t know you any better, I’d say you’re a suck up!”
Patton laughs as they leave with a friend, turning back to the counter to decide what to get. Logan leans over his shoulder, and goosebumps raise on the back of Patton’s neck. Logan being close to him is.. really nice.
“If they did know you any better, they’d know you are, in fact, a suckup.”
Patton gasps, and his face is red from Logan’s breath on his shoulder but he pretends it’s because of the accusation. He pushes Logan just a little, and almost pouts when he stays far away. “Am not! I just like doing nice things for people… and if it happens to make some professors more inclined to give me extensions more often… that’s pretty neat!”
“I’m fairly certain that’s the definition of a suck up.”
“Coffee, Lo?” Patton asks, smiling despite his red hot ears and cheeks.
Logan chuckles, and Patton wants to kiss him. “Buying me something to get out of a conversation? That’s a bribe. Which is a crime in some states.”
“I guess that makes me a criminal,” Patton starts, raising an eyebrow at Logan who is looking increasingly distressed, “criminally-“
“Black coffee if you don’t mind,” Logan interrupts.
Patton giggles and pulls out his wallet, paying for both their drinks and the Professors.
“I could pay for them this time, Patton.”
“You could!” Patton agrees, but makes no move to let him. “Don’t worry about it. I dragged you here anyway!”
“On the contrary. You didn’t drag me anywhere.”
Smile softening, Patton doesn’t know if he wants to cry because he’s happy, or because he’s lovesick. “No, I guess I didn’t.”
Outside the coffee shop once again, Patton walks slowly with both his cups, not wanting Logan and his morning walk to end. He blows on his hot coco and side eyes Logan. “Are you… nervous about leaving school?”
Are you nervous about leaving me? Is what he wants to ask.
Patton watches as Logan takes a sip of his coffee, wincing at how hot it is. He doesn’t say anything.
“I’m nervous,” Patton blurts, not being able to stand the quiet any longer. “After this it’s just us against the world, you know? The future we’ve been preparing for since preschool is finally here and… I’m not ready at all.”
Logan looks at Patton with wide eyes and a frown, and Patton fidgets where he walks. “You aren’t ready? Are you alright?”
Patton shuffles his feet for a few steps, widening his smile to hide his anxiety, “Of course I’m alright! Just a little apprehensive is all.”
“Patton..” Logan slows and lightly bumps his hip into Patton, “you can talk to me.”
“I know I can!” Patton wiggles his eyebrows, desperately trying to get back the happy mood, “What? Have I been speaking gibberish?”
“Ah. Humor to cope. Why am I not surprised.”
“Well aren’t you feisty today!”
“It must be due to the-“
“Like a cat.”
“-lack of sleep last night.”
“Because cats are feisty.”
Logan adjusts his glasses with a sigh. “Yes. I understood, I merely refrained from commenting on the unnecessary joke.”
“Jokes are never unnecessary!” Patton protests, and he so hopes Logan will launch into a sciencey explanation about jokes that will take up the rest of their time.
No such luck.
“If you don’t wish to tell me what’s troubling you, you don’t have to,” Logan says quietly.
Patton stalls, he doesn’t want Logan to think he doesn’t like him! It’s the opposite of that, that's the problem. “It’s not that! I trust you Lo!” He bites his lip and then shrugs. “I’m just in a funk! I’ll be back to normal me any minute!”
“Patton-“
Turning towards his own class, Patton waves, walking quickly backwards, “I’ll see you at lunch!”
Logan sighs and gives a small wave, “Have a satisfactory day Patton, I’ll see you at lunch.”
“Don’t forget how incredible you are!” Patton calls out the routine end to all their conversations since that night under the tree when Logan cried for the first time.
“I’m nothing incredible, Patton. I’m just broken.”
“Well I think you’re incredible, doesn’t that count for something?”
Patton shakes off the chills he gets and speed walks to his classroom.
He doesn’t look back.
“Mr. Hart!” Professor Aldridge says calmly, watching as Patton walks through the door. She tilts her head, “I didn’t take you for a two cup kinda guy?”
“Oh!” Patton hands her the untouched cup. “That’s for you.”
Professor Aldridge shakes her head fondly. “Thank you, Mr. Hart. That’s very kind.” She stares at him in the way she always does, like her eyes are burning holes in his forehead and reading all his secrets. “Are you alright?”
Patton nods a little insistently, “I’m great! Just tired.”
Aldridge gives him an unimpressed stare and then sighs. “I’m always here if you need it, Patton.”
“I know.” Patton tries for a smile, but it comes out as more of a half shrug and a tight line of a mouth.
Patting his hand, Aldridge nods. “I know the end of school can be hard, and very overwhelming. I’ve been where you are. Hell, I am where you are. Every time a new class graduates I lose just a little bit of me. Especially when one of those students is like you.”
Patton starts to cry.
Aldridge doesn’t stop him, she just sits there with her hand over his and nods. “I met my wife in college, did you know that?”
The shock almost makes Patton stop crying. Professor Aldridge is gay? “You- you did?”
“I did.” Aldridge pulls back to lift a picture frame of her desk and pass it to him. It’s an old picture, Professor Aldridge must have been his age. There’s a girl standing next to her in a leather jacket and a mini skirt, looking like she could kill you in a second and coo over kittens the next.
Patton looks back up at Aldridge, who’s gray hair and crows feet next to her eyes are the only reason she looks her sixty years of age.
“Marrying someone of the same sex was illegal back then, so we didn’t have much hope. We let each other go,” Professor Aldridge looks sad for a few seconds, then she smiles. “We finally found each other again, and both of us cried when our marriage was legalized. We’ve been together since.”
Patton stares at her, and his heart beats in his ears. “Do you.. think it was fate?”
“Oh no,” Aldridge says with a laugh, she takes the picture again, setting it down carefully. “I’m a science professor, I don’t believe in fate… but I do believe that if you really love someone, you’ll always find your way back to them.”
Trying not to cry again, Patton laughs wetly. “You should write a book.”
“There aren’t any books that can tell you what love is,” Aldridge replies, and Patton has the distinct notion that she isn’t talking about him.
“Thank you, Professor.”
“As always, I’m here,” she winks at him, knocking her cup against his before he heads to his seat.
He’s on the front row, like most of his classes, because glasses are great but he’s still blind, and because it’s louder in the front, the chatter of students and laughs and groans drown out whatever Patton doesn’t want to think about.
This time though, it’s not loud enough.
“if you really love someone, you’ll always find your way back to them”
He has time.
