Chapter 09: Ruin
The Sun, the Moon, and All Our Stars (rewritten!)
Hi! After working on this story for about a year and a half, I've decided to take a break from creating new chapters for now to focus on rewriting from the beginning. I hope you'll give the new and improved version a chance. Constructive feedback is always welcome and much appreciated!
Previous Chapter Recap/Context: Sebastian Sallow and Kate Mayflower spent their first date walking around Hogsmeade until the early hours of the morning. Both of them felt an instant and deep connection to each other. Though she had never moved that quickly in any other relationship, Kate invited him to her cottage. After Sebastian promised her it wouldn’t just be a one-night stand, they passionately made love and found that they were even more in tune with each other than originally thought. Both of them wondered, deep down, if the other was their soulmate. As Kate fell asleep in his arms, Sebastian worried about the way Kate might react when she eventually learns about his past; he didn’t share the full truth with her out of both hope and fear. He knew that she would ask about his terrible scarring sooner rather than later but prays that she is kind enough to not let it spell disaster for their budding relationship.
Tags: Romance, New Relationship, Hope and Dreams, Honesty, Lies, Confessions, Betrayal, Morals and Values, Angst, Sorrow, Emotional Turmoil, Dark Magic, Hurt/No Comfort
Content Warnings: The morning after, feelings of betrayal, emotional turmoil, sad ending
NSFW Illustration by @giselsann below the cut
Chapter Music: “A Red, Red Rose” - Bear McCreary (Outlander soundtrack), “The Sun is in Your Eyes” - Jacob Collier, “Tribute” - J. Scott Rakozy (Hogwarts Legacy soundtrack), "The Crypt, Pt. 2" - Abel Korzeniowski (Romeo and Juliet soundtrack), “Farewell” - Dario Marianelli (Atonement soundtrack)
Word Count: ~4,700
Link to Wattpad Link to AO3
<- Previous Chapter
Chapter 9: Ruin
She giggles, rushing over the top of a vibrant green hill dotted with bleating sheep. One tiny hand holds up her skirt and smock so that she doesn’t trip, and the other tugs along a young boy with a mop of black hair and clothing from long, long ago. Smiling, he shouts something in a language she doesn’t recognize, but it’s clear from his body language that he’s begging her to slow down. She shakes her head, continuing to dash towards a forest with a grin.
She’s a young child. Ten, perhaps, judging from her size? She doesn’t recognize the setting or her clothing - it’s that of a… medieval peasant? Perhaps the girl isn’t her…
A few buildings with thatched roofs grow further and further away as the two run off on an adventure. The woods ahead grow closer and closer. The sun is setting in the distance.
They hurry into the forest, jumping over fallen branches and startling some wild animals. A squirrel skitters through the brush and leaps to safety on the bark of a tree, climbing higher and higher until it is out of sight.
A creek comes into view, and the two slow as they approach it. Kate walks to the shore’s edge and peers into the water. A girl she doesn’t recognize is reflected back. A handkerchief-like piece of fabric covers the top of her head. Her long hair is curly and so lightly blonde it practically looks white. Green eyes look back at her freckled cheeks, her smile missing a baby tooth. She glances at the boy, puzzled.
And then she wakes.
What a strange dream… Kate muses.
She realizes she is not alone. Almost instantly, memories from the previous night flood her mind. Good conversation, laughter, kisses, skin on skin, passion… She feels Sebastian’s body, warm and strong, completely engulfing her own as they lay, spooning. His hand is curled between her breasts. She is tempted to close her eyes once more, to simply listen to him breathing steadily and softly. But the day has broken.
She lightly grazes his arm in a featherlight touch - up and down. He inhales sharply, waking up. After a minute, he realizes where he is and who he is with. He kisses her shoulder, his lips lingering when his hold over her tightens, as if she will disappear at any moment if he lets go.
“Good morning, sunshine,” Sebastian murmurs in a sleepy yet content voice.
Kate smiles. “Good morning, moon prince.” She chuckles.
They lay quietly for a moment. Sebastian’s fingers begin to roam her body. He languidly presses his lips to her shoulder over and over again, his morning wood proud against her bottom. She relaxes into him.
“Mmmm,” Kate hums in approval. She slowly turns over to face him and giggles at his hair sticking up in odd places.
Sebastian’s chocolate eyes examine her face and every inch of her body that isn’t covered by the quilt, as though he is thoroughly memorizing each detail. He’ll be replaying this moment in his mind for the foreseeable future. Her golden hair, tangled from their very early morning activities, her eyes, blue like a summer sky, the pink blush upon her cheeks, her soft skin, rosy nipples on her large, round breasts. His fingers dance along her cheekbone affectionately.
“So… this was not a dream,” Sebastian finally says. “I’m very pleased.”
Kate leans in to briefly kiss him. “No, it’s not a dream. We’re really here together. I’m so glad you stayed.”
He grins dreamily. “I could get used to this...”
She lets out a little laugh, then kisses him and wraps her arms around him. Suddenly, she feels his scars again. It rips her out of the haze of romance. She pulls away slightly, trying to hide her reaction.
“Since you let me sleep here, may I contribute in some way?” Sebastian asks. “Shall I make us something for breakfast?”
Kate’s eyebrows raise in shock. “You want to cook… for me?”
“Well, yes…? Is that a problem?”
She quickly shakes her head. “No, n- not at all… I’m just… surprised.”
“Kate, allow me. I want to please you.”
She smiles. “I certainly won’t say no. You may have free range in my kitchen. Use anything you like. Ingredients, pots, pans - anything.”
He captures her lips in a long kiss before scooting to the edge of the bed. “I’m happy to do it for you.” He stands, facing her once more, and stretches as she ogles his naked form. Bending down, he finds his underpants, tugging them back on.
“Shall I come with you?” she asks.
“No, I’d like for you to relax. I’ll serve breakfast in bed. Let me take care of you.”
She’s dumbfounded. A man willing to cook? Wanting to please her? It’s nothing she’s ever experienced, only imagined in her wildest fantasies. “Thank you, Sebastian…”
He grins widely. Kate stares as he strides out of the bedroom, but then, her eyes bulge when, finally, she can clearly see the scars covering his back. She attempts to hold in a gasp of horror. She has never seen anyone with so many scars. Brutal ones. It appears as though Sebastian had been whipped repeatedly. But it isn’t just lashes - some marks suggest other injuries. Even overlapping those are some that look like lightning - like he had been electrocuted.
How…? How could he have so many scars? What could possibly explain them? Kate cannot come up with any reasonable answer, no matter how much her mind spins. Then she remembers his deflection. “Kate, we can talk about that later…” His words echo in her head.
Cupboards noisily open and close in the kitchen while utensils clink. Eventually, the scent of bacon fills the air. Kate waits anxiously. If she is to be with him, there is so much she needs to ask, so much she needs to know.
Sebastian returns several minutes later, carrying a plate of food and a cup of water. Still clad only in his undershorts, Kate studies his upper body in closer detail. He has freckles everywhere, which she finds charming. His torso is lean - chiseled and athletic; it is clear that he takes care of his body. His back, however, is a complete contradiction.
Kate accepts the bacon and buttered toast as Sebastian places the glass on the nightstand next to her. He kisses the top of her head, then strolls out of the room to retrieve his own plate. Her eyes follow his marred back as he steps back into the hallway. She debates how to address what she wants to ask as he disappears from view. Where to even start?
“Your kitchen is lovely, Kate,” Sebastian compliments as he walks back into the room, clambering into bed while balancing his plate. “I hope you like the food. I know it’s simple, but I just wanted to make something quickly. I don’t know when you last ate, but for me, it was quite some time ago.” He chuckles quietly. “I’m starving.”
“It’s such a treat to have breakfast in bed. No one ever serves me. I do everything on my own here,” Kate replies, biting into the toast. “So, thank you. Thank you for the breakfast… and for the reminder that I don’t have to be on my own.”
Sebastian eats a slice of bacon, contemplating her words. When he speaks, his tone is genuine and kind. “No, you don’t have to be alone. Not anymore. I want to be with you... I mean it.” He brings her hand to his lips. “I know I haven’t been all that transparent with you about my own background yet, but I want to know everything about you.”
“And I you,” Kate replies, sipping some water.
While they eat, there are several moments in which neither of them talks.
Sebastian eventually breaks the ice again. “I know your family doesn’t live near here. Do you… feel lonely on your own?”
Kate exhales. “I have a lot of friends and a large extended family, so I know I’m not truly alone, but… No one I’m close to lives near me.” She hesitates. Her eyes are cast down when she admits, “Yes. I’m lonely. I’m lonely all the time. It’s hard to live on my own. Really, really hard.”
Sebastian nods. “I can relate. I’ve been alone for a long time.”
Kate takes a breath, knowing this conversation might be difficult. He had mentioned that his parents had passed, as well as his sister. She then asks, “Why don’t you tell me about your family, Sebastian?”
He sighs, and there is a pause. He can’t keep stalling or hiding. Kate is already asking questions. It was inevitable, after all. “My family…” he begins, avoiding looking at her. “...it’s complicated.” He white-knuckles the plate, his face growing a little red. Slowly taking a breath, he meets her eyes. His voice breaks when he admits, “The truth is, Kate, that I don’t have a family.”
Kate didn’t realize that he truly didn’t have any family left. “Sebastian, I’m so sorry.” She pauses, taking his hand again. “Would you be willing to… to tell me more?”
Sebastian is slightly trembling as he shakes his head. “I… I can’t,” he whispers, tearing up. “Kate, you seem so loving… and kind… and caring… and if I tell you more, it’s going to ruin something as wonderful as we have, even in this short amount of time…”
“Why would telling me about your family ruin everything?” Confused, her hand tightens over his.
“I…” He sighs. “If I speak the truth to you, Kate, it will change how you think of me.” His next words come out very softly. “I don’t want to lose you. I mean it when I say I want to be with you, for us to have a future together. This isn’t the right time…”
“But I want to know. I should know,” Kate gently insists. “Sebastian, we can’t build any kind of relationship without honesty or not really knowing each other. Please.” She looks at him with so much concern, kindness, and compassion.
“Kate…” He hesitates, his eyes drawn down to the bed. He wants to keep her safe from the truth about his past, but she deserves to know - and to be able to make a decision for herself once she does. Sebastian takes a deep breath. “My family is dead. Every single person. And it’s all because of me.” A tear falls, impossible to hold back. “I was too young to save my parents - only ten years old. But still, I can’t help but believe I could have done something.” He sighs. “It happened so suddenly. It was like any other day. My da and mum - they were in the cellar, reading and studying… No one knew there was a gas leak. It was impossible to detect.” He pauses. “Even today, I still can’t understand how something so mundane could have ended them. They were so intelligent and brave. If I hadn’t been outside playing with Anne… If I had checked in with them sooner instead of getting distracted… Maybe they wouldn’t have died.”
The dam has broken, and Sebastian begins to sob. She pulls him close, holding him tight against her chest and allowing him to cry on her shoulder. She traces a finger along his spine soothingly.
“You can’t possibly blame yourself,” she murmurs. “You couldn’t have helped it…”
“But there’s more. Far more,” he argues.
A few moments later, he pulls away, wiping his face. Everything within him is screaming that he should lie, to keep this sweet, good woman in his life, but he knows he cannot keep the truth to himself any longer. Sebastian’s eyes roam over her face, savoring what might be the final few moments she accepts him.
He holds his fist to his mouth. “I’m not the person you think I am, Kate.” His expression is filled with guilt and grief. “I’m… I’m a criminal.”
Kate shrinks back. With an edge of fear, she whispers, “What?”
Sebastian’s eyes grow watery again. He can already tell - just from the tone of her one word response - that it’s all over. He hangs his head, dejected. “It’s true. When I was in my fifth year at Hogwarts, I used an Unforgivable on my uncle - the killing curse. I… I was arrested and taken to Azkaban.” His throat tightens, and even breathing feels painful.
Kate’s eyes grow wide. Her mind is racing - absolutely racing. “You… you were in Azkaban?!” she asks, pulling the covers tighter to her body. She begins to wonder if she needs to be careful around him, though he never seemed dangerous - not until this moment.
Sebastian nods slowly, a tear slipping out as he sees how frightened Kate becomes. “I understand what you are thinking right now.” He lets out a sigh. “But… I want you to know that I didn’t want to k- kill my uncle. I didn’t mean it. Please, you have to trust me.”
Her jaw drops as she considers a response. Trust him? How can I? What do I even know about curses? She is quickly transported back to Hogwarts, taking notes during one of Professor Hecat’s lectures regarding the Unforgivables. As someone who hates conflict and was always reluctant to participate in duels, Kate was never considered a strong student in Defense Against the Dark Arts, but despite the many years that have now passed, she still remembers her teacher’s words. Kate echoes them: “In order to cast any of the Unforgivables, you have to really mean it…” She trails off. The logical part of her brain warns her that he is a killer and that saying more could potentially jeopardize her safety. At the same time, her heart weeps for the romance lost, the ghost of what could have been already haunting her.
“My uncle tried to kill me, Kate. I didn’t want to use that curse. I didn’t want to bury him. But what else could I have done? I had no choice. Please, you have to understand…”
“Why would your uncle want to kill you?”
Sebastian’s face contorts as he shakes his head miserably, already giving up. He mutters, “It’s a long story, and I don’t imagine you will even care to listen to all of it. I won’t force you; it’s a lost cause, anyway. I know you will never want to see me again after this.” He pauses to see if she will disagree with what he said, but she remains silent. It’s over. It’s already fucking over. “My Uncle Solomon became our guardian when our parents died. Some years later, like I already told you, my sister, Anne, was cursed… and I was trying to find a cure for her because my uncle had completely given up. I was her only hope. So… I… dabbled in Dark magic, trying to fight fire with fire.” His jaw clenches. “My uncle found out I was practicing illegal spells and studying the Dark arts. He accused me of wanting to actually become a Dark wizard. He always hated me, Kate. He… attacked me.” He sniffles. “I swear to you, I was just trying to save my sister, but… I failed. I couldn’t save her or my parents. Not only that, I’m a- a murderer.” His voice breaks, and he averts his wet eyes.
“Honestly, I’m nothing but a monster,” he mutters, grimacing. “You won’t want to associate with me anymore, but… I need you to know that it felt so good to be with you, even for just one night. It really did, Kate. You’re one of a kind. You’re an angel. Caring and good-hearted and witty and funny… and beautiful. So beautiful. You deserve better than to be stuck with me. I’m… not worthy of you. Not at all.”
Kate’s heart feels as though it is crumbling into a million tiny pieces. Her eyes fill with tears. “I really don’t know what to say, Sebastian. You… you didn’t portray yourself accurately when we met. I just thought you were like… anybody else, really. I mean, I don’t usually begin getting to know someone by asking if they’ve murdered someone… I had no reason to believe that about you. I never would have thought you had killed someone and went to Azkaban for it...” Defeated, she stares off into space for a while before continuing. “I don’t know you that well. Maybe not at all. You charmed me into believing that we are… like a destined pair of lovers. Are you… trying to manipulate me somehow? Take advantage of me? Am I a fool?” She closes her eyes, cringing. Sebastian watches a tear smoothly glide down her cheek. “Bloody hell, I never do this. I never take men home! Merlin, I am a fool!” She shamefully buries her face in her hands.
Sebastian fixes his eyes on the floor, the weight of her words looming over him. “You’re not a fool. You were just… kind, not judging me so quickly like everyone else. And it meant everything to me, Kate. Truly.” He carefully places his hand on her shoulder. She flinches, and he draws back, wounded.
“Why… why didn’t you just tell me about your background upfront?”
“Kate, come on. You wouldn’t have given me a chance at all if you knew right away about how terrible my past is. Don’t deny it,” he replies.
Kate nods, acknowledging the truth. She would have immediately dismissed him, had she known.
“I just… wanted a chance to try to build something good for once,” he explains desperately. “I’m lonely. I’m so lonely. I have no one...”
Her vision blurs, and she can taste her own salty tears on her lips. I’m lonely, too…
“Kate… please… is there any way I can earn your trust?”
She wipes her eyes, shaking her head. Almost inaudibly, she murmurs, “I don’t know, Sebastian… I don’t know.”
He lets out a shaky breath.
After a minute of sitting quietly and listening to the birds outside, she finally asks in a neutral tone, “Do you still practice Dark magic?”
“I will not lie to you. Yes. Yes, Kate, I do. I can’t explain it fully to you, but… I need it. I know you may not understand... I try to avoid it, but I need that magic.” I can’t tell her about my job… it’s too classified to share with someone who isn’t committed or close to me. It would endanger her, and me, and the mission. She’s not going to be around much longer anyway. This is a lost cause… just a fucking one-night stand after all… but Merlin help me, I want more… I need her…
“Then I can’t. I can’t be with someone that practices Dark magic. I just can’t. It goes against everything I believe,” she replies. Her throat is burning, more tears threatening to overwhelm her. “I… I don’t want a life like that. I always thought finding love would… feel warm. A- and it did… until… S- Sebastian, I…” her voice breaks as she now starts to weep. “I thought you wanted the same things I do, but… I guess I am wrong.”
Sebastian’s face is twisted with guilt. Softly, he replies, “No, you aren’t wrong, Kate. I want to have a loving family and find genuine happiness, just like you. I do want the same future.” He considers for a moment how he might yet convince her, but he is starting to feel like it’s pointless.
“I am so confused,” Kate admits, wiping at her face and trying to get a grip on the situation. “You had me completely convinced that we were meant to be together. We… had an instant connection. Great conversation. Your sense of humor is like mine, and I’m… I’m so attracted to you. The sex - it was mind-blowing.” She sighs heavily, her gaze pleading. “Is there… is there really nothing I can say to convince you to stop using Dark magic, Sebastian?”
He answers quickly. “Kate, I want to be with you. I swear I wasn’t trying to manipulate you. I share the same feelings. We are meant to be together - I cannot explain it, but I know it’s true. And you know it, too,” Sebastian whispers desperately. “I just… I can’t stop practicing Dark magic. I’m so sorry.” He sighs, his expression already filled with regret. He bows his head, running his hand through his hair. “There’s… nothing you can do. Not unless you’re willing to give this a chance, even knowing what you do.”
Kate nods, looking away. She bites her lip unwittingly until she tastes blood.
Several moments pass, and it is very quiet.
“You a- aren’t really an Auror, are you?” she asks in a shaky voice, needing to know what is true and what is not.
“No, not exactly, but from a certain point of view, perhaps,” he whispered, and then his expression became more serious. “I made a deal with the Ministry - well, I was forced to - in order to stay out of Azkaban. I… can’t tell you much more. I work with Aurors in the Department of Magical Law Enforcement, but I am not really one of them. I… never even graduated from Hogwarts. I don’t have the credentials to be an Auror.”
“And you don’t live in Feldcroft either, do you?”
Sebastian shakes his head. “No, I don’t live there. That’s where my uncle lived. It was the last permanent home I had.” His voice trembles as he continues on. “I don’t really even have a home, Kate.”
Her heart aches at the betrayal, yet she still feels pity towards him. “Did you lie about everything?”
“No. I never lied about having a connection with you, Kate.” His tone is genuine. “Merlin, you are the most caring person I’ve ever met, and I hate that you feel like I’ve taken advantage of that - like you can’t trust me. Please believe me: I never lied about my feelings for you, Kate. I just… didn’t have the courage to tell you about my past. I knew it would ruin everything. I think I wanted… maybe I wanted… to just pretend for a while that someone like you might actually care about someone like me.”
Defeatedly, he whispers, “I guess I will never stop paying for what I did when I was a kid. Never. Nothing I do will ever make it better. I’m destined to be punished for the rest of my life. And now I will lose you, the only person who has shown me kindness and given me a chance in many years. I got my hopes up, thinking you could be the-” he stops himself mid-sentence, debating his choice of words and deciding he might as well say it, since he probably will never see Kate again anyway. “I… really believed you might be the one. But now I understand that meeting you was yet another punishment from the gods. I don’t deserve love.”
Kate exhales slowly, weeping because of her own broken heart but also his. “But I really, truly believe we have a connection, Sebastian. I don’t know what it is about you, but there is something there.” A tear falls from her eye. “I respect myself too much, though, to be with someone who lies to me, and I can’t get past the Dark arts. It goes completely against my beliefs and my family’s beliefs.” She sighs in defeat. “I feel sorry for what you have been through, Sebastian, but… I can’t compromise my own moral code.” She gazes at him through puffy eyes. “If… If you were ever to change your mind about Dark magic, maybe we would have a chance...”
Accepting defeat, he murmurs, “I understand.” He moves to stand up from the bed, glancing at Kate once more. “I… I want to thank you. For giving me a chance. No one ever does that. You gave me an opportunity to find some happiness.” He pauses, choking back a sob. “It meant a great deal to me.”
Kate’s expression is full of despair. She blinks back more tears as he puts on his clothing. She knows she should look away, but she can’t bear to do so. Soon, he’ll leave, and she’ll never see him again. “Sebastian, last night was the best date I’ve had in quite some time. It’s hard to admit sometimes, but I’m so lonely. I’m really so lonely here. I wish it didn’t have to be this way. We could have been something. I believe that.”
Kate’s words are yet another harsh blow. Sebastian freezes momentarily. “I’m sorry you feel lonely like that, Kate. I promise I didn’t mean to hurt you.” He sniffles, then pulls his trousers up around his hips. “You have no idea how much I wanted us to be something more. I truly hoped that this would have been the beginning of something wonderful.” Sebastian wandlessly summons the rest of his clothing from the living room. His shirt, vest, socks, and shoes float through the doorway, hovering in the air before him.
It feels strange to have this conversation naked, so Kate awkwardly rises and scurries to the closet to find a robe. It’s quiet as they dress, both of them contemplating the utter misery of the situation and what they should say to each other.
She slowly approaches him as he buttons his vest. “Sebastian, we were supposed to meet. I don’t know why, but I feel it in my bones. If only we had met when we were younger, when life was… less complicated…”
Sebastian musters a sorrowful smile. “Maybe fate will lead our paths to cross again.” He doesn’t really believe it. Heartbreak is the only constant in his life.
Very gently, Kate takes his hands in hers and feels that sensation all over again - the electric one - when his calloused fingers brush against her soft skin. “Maybe.” She sighs, staring at their joined hands. “Sebastian… Your past does not designate all there will ever be for you in your future. And… if someday you willingly let go of the darkness, maybe I would…” she swallows painfully, “...still be here on my own. I… I could be your light, if you ever want to choose me instead. I m- mean… I am the sun princess after all.” She smiles weakly, trying to ease the tension, as she squeezes his hands, her voice breaking.
Sebastian’s eyes grow watery yet again, touched by her words and attempt at humor. “You have such a pure soul, sunshine,” he tells her softly, meeting her smile with a sad one of his own. “I want you to know that you already did me good. In just one night, you gave me a little break from the world I live in. Now I have a reason - a push to get better.”
He lets go of her hands, and Kate reaches out, attempting to take them once more. “Please don’t go, Sebastian… I… I could h-” When he looks at her in disbelief and pity, she stops herself, realizing she sounds desperate. She is embarrassing herself. Her eyes travel to the floor. “I’m sorry,” she whispers regretfully, shaking her head. “I shouldn’t have said that.”
“I… I really don’t want to leave you. Not in this way…” Sebastian sighs, still standing in front of her. “I hate this so much.”
They spend a moment quietly gazing upon each other, memorizing the moment, knowing they may never see each other again.
“I wish you w- well,” she chokes out as she walks him out of the bedroom, down the hallway, and then into the living room. Soon, they hover at the front door. “I… I suppose this is goodbye.”
Sebastian’s hand rises to caress her cheek as he looks upon her one last time. “I am so sorry, Kate. I will never forget you and your kindness. My sunshine.” He leans down to kiss her forehead as a sob escapes her. “Please, take care of yourself. You deserve the entire world, love.” He knows that word makes Kate uncomfortable, but it may be his last opportunity to tell her how he feels. Then, he whispers, “Goodbye.”
Sebastian opens the door and gazes at her one final time, his eyes filled with tears of misery, shame, and regret. He steps outside and, just like that, disappears from Kate’s life.
