A Seiðr Account of Precipitated Wisdom, Received through Hematite Trance-Contact
How This Came to Us
On a morning in May, I sat in trance with a piece of botryoidal hematite — the iron-stone, the blood-stone, the ore that fell when the world’s first oxygen turned the ancient seas to rust. I reached out through the iron-vain expecting silence. Instead, I found them.
They call themselves the…
6/13/22, archived from Twitter
A/B/O with minor NSFW mention, as usual
Luckae - omega Kaeya, alpha Diluc, lots of scenting
―――
Lck (also fits with klc if dynamics are switched) with omega kae going into heat
Except during his heat for the first many cycles, he's deathly afraid Diluc is going to leave. Abandon him. It's happened once and he's convinced the rug will be pulled from beneath him again
He clings to Diluc with a death grip, and he shakes, so distressed that it's physically nauseating for them both.
Diluc doesn't know how to soothe him at first. He's caught by surprise - the once confident and untouchable Kaeya decimated in the wake of his heat.
He curls Kaeya so close in the middle of their nest, grip just as tight as Kaeya's clinging to him, and whispers. He tries to solve it logically - talk it out - but Kaeya's mind is stuck in… scared animal mode. It's mush, and he's terrified and can't think beyond it.
Kaeya's eye is so big looking up at him. His body shakes like a leaf despite the raging fever on his skin and all the nesting blankets around them.
Diluc's heart breaks. None of this is normal, and he doesn't know how to make Kaeya feel better. How much of a useless alpha can he be?
It's a long couple of days. Kaeya is only calm when he's sleeping or in the midst of conflicted orgasm. Sleep doesn't come easy.
He panics whenever Diluc needs to get up for the bathroom or getting their food/drink. He panics whenever Diluc shifts the slightest bit.
"Kaeya, my love, shhh… I promise I'll be back," Diluc hushes, petting through a delirious and whimpering Kaeya's hair. "If I let you go any longer without water, you'll get sick."
His nails dig into Diluc's skin and eye alight with fear and tears. Diluc's heart shatters.
"I'm not leaving you." Diluc kisses Kaeya's forehead ever so gently, rubbing his sides and back. His insides twist and he wants to cry at how miserable his omega is.
"That's--" Kaeya sniffles, and hiccups through all his words, "that's what you said-- years ago 'n you left and I was alone and no one wanted me and I-- I can't--"
The more he spoke, the more hysterical he became.
"An'-- An' tha's what y'said yesterday 'n--"
Diluc really does think he's going to cry at the end of all this. There's nothing but pain in Kaeya's voice and guilt radiates through him suffocatingly.
"Kaeya, sweetie, I'm--" Diluc swallows thickly and buries his face into Kaeya's hair. "I'm so sorry."
Is that all he can say? That he's sorry?
"Yesterday I took a shower, and I came back to you."
Kaeya had slipped beneath the covers and curled up, disturbingly like an animal giving up on life when faced with a predator. When Diluc didn't come back immediately, he was convinced that Diluc had left him for good.
It took an hour and a half to bring Kaeya down from that.
"What if I brought you with me?" Diluc asks after a long moment to breathe. "I carry you downstairs with me."
Kaeya latches onto that and agrees.
Diluc ends up bringing Kaeya everywhere with him from that point forward.
When Kaeya's heat ends, the daze he was caught in fades and he's… Strangely the same.
He's out of it, tired, and sore, but in the next day or two, he's right back to normal.
Diluc intends to talk to Kaeya about what happened, but the omega dodges the question.
Until it's too close to Kaeya's next heat and Diluc catches him in the midst of nesting in his bed.
"Kaeya," he sighs, closing the door, "we need to talk."
"About what?" Kaeya asks, pressing a pillow into place. He's skittish again as his heat creeps closer. Diluc needs to be careful.
"Your heat."
Kaeya stills. He tenses warily. "What about it?"
Diluc frowns. "It worries me. I don't know if you remember, but you were… Petrified the entire time." He watches Kaeya carefully, noting how his shoulders sink. "Would barely eat or sleep, and I could barely mate you."
Not that Diluc is thinking of himself, but an omega begs to be bred in heat.
Kaeya was so paralyzed he could hardly do that. Diluc feels like an awful alpha not being able to even satisfy his omega in that way.
Kaeya works his jaw, gripping a blanket tight in his fingers. He refuses to look at him. "I'm sorry my heat was so unenjoyable."
Diluc blinks, dumbfounded.
"Unenjoyable?" he repeats. "Kae, that's not--" He rubs a hand over his face. "That's not why I'm here."
Kaeya keeps his head down. "What is there to talk about, Diluc?"
"Plenty. You were--" Diluc bites the inside of his lips. "You were so scared."
Kaeya swallows.
Diluc doesn't want to ask the question on his tongue. He doesn't want to know the answer and the consequences that came with it; they're trying so hard to mend things and it's worked so far, but if he's the reason their relationship crashes and burns…
"Are you scared of me?"
Kaeya's head snaps up, eye wide. "No! Not… Not normally."
Not normally. Something inside Diluc wilts. Kaeya has every right to be cautious, Diluc has no business being upset.
"Then what can I do?" He's practically begging. "It's cruel to let you suffer convinced I'm going to leave." He approaches Kaeya and grabs his hands, holding them to his chest. "I love you, Kaeya. I meant it when… When I said I'd do everything possible to mend this."
Kaeya's eye stays wide, twinkling. Surprised, maybe, or wordless.
There's so much unsaid between them it hurts - even the good things, of how they're so enamored with each other. Thoughts kept out of reach, locked in safety until… Until when? Neither of them know.
Kaeya's next heat is rough again.
Diluc, from experience, brings Kaeya everywhere with him straight off the bat. He brought more clothes over for the nest to surround his omega, stockpiles food and water in the bedroom, and nocks Kaeya into the orgasmic delirium sooner than fear's. There's only so much someone can focus on when their alpha is between their legs, eating them out like his life depended on it.
Still, the fear inevitably settles in and Kaeya is back to laying on top of Diluc, as if it will weigh him down and keep him there.
"Alpha, alpha," he whispers shakily, wrapped completely around his mate.
Diluc never thought such a long and lanky man could ever feel as small as he does now.
"I'm here, love, I'm here," he croons, placing a hand on the back of Kaeya's head and guides him to the crook of his neck. There, Diluc puffs a dizzying amount of calming pheromones.
"And I'm never leaving you. You're mine, mine, mine. My beautiful, lovely omega."
Over the coming cycles, Diluc learns one thing that makes or breaks Kaeya's heat.
Scenting.
It's a natural part of their dynamics, to scent, but Diluc finds that he has to scent /everything/ possible in order to keep Kaeya calm.
Two days before Kaeya's heat is supposed to show, Diluc slips into Kaeya's apartment.
It's how it usually is - on the cleaner side and a mix of their scents.
Diluc first grabs the throw pillow on the couch and rubs his cheek against it until he can only smell himself.
He goes to the armrests and rubs the insides of his wrists, and the edges of the walls, the tables, lamps. When he makes it inside of the bedroom, not one item is spared.
Pillows, blankets, bedframe, nightstand, dresser, window-- hell, even the trinkets on the shelves.
Diluc is vaguely nauseated smelling so much of himself in one place. But he got the job done, and if it lets his mate enjoy a /proper/ heat, then so be it.
The next day he does it again, and the day that Kaeya falls into heat, he drenches the nest in pheromones.
That is the single greatest heat Diluc's ever seen Kaeya have. The realization and joy bubbles in Diluc so hard he actually does start to tear up, and a purring-- oh so /loudly/ purring, and he wouldn't have it any other way-- Kaeya rolls on top of him, asking what's wrong.
Kaeya is warm, and so are his cheeks, rosy and happy and that /smile./ Gods, Barbatos above, that smile is the brightest thing Diluc has ever known.
Kaeya's hazed and out of it, but the alpha's scent surrounding him like a barrier comforts him.
Diluc liberally applies more as the hours go on.
Kaeya sleeps less, and enjoys getting bred more, and even /begs/ for it more. He's dripping full of Diluc's cum, trilling so happily about being pupped.
When Kaeya naps on Diluc's chest, Diluc swells with a kind of warmth he cannot describe. He lets relieved tears out. A weight has been lifted off of both of their shoulders, and all Diluc wants to do is worship his mate.
Make him happy. Make him feel /safe./
“How are you feeling?" Diluc asks Kaeya once he's waking up, rumbling deep purrs to his omega.
"Mmm…" Kaeya buries his face into Diluc's neck and takes a deep, slow breath. "Warm… Comfy… Safe." He angles his head and whispers, "Pup me, alpha?"
11/17/2022, archived from Twitter
Autistic Diluc + thoughts
―――
Diluc mimics.
He can't remember a time of his life where he didn't mimic, in all honesty. Perhaps when he was very little, still learning about the world and how to interact, but regardless--
Diluc mimics, and he isn't sure where he ends and others begin.
It doesn't make sense, sometimes.
Diluc, at his deepest core, is uncomfortable with the world. He doesn't like how loud people can be and how unpredictable. He doesn't understand why they react badly when he's honest.
He doesn't like the feel of glass that's so squeaky clean it- well, squeaks. Or his nails against metal. Or a number of seemingly mundane things. He can't stand it, and he can't stand people touching him, so he keeps himself gloved and covered constantly.
People are confusing. They say one thing but mean another, and they expect things of him that he doesn't know (because they don't /say/) or understand. They want him honest, but not literal. They don't want to know how he is; they want worthless conversation.
There's an etiquette that's never spoken, so how is he to learn?
Diluc quietly perches himself on a bench and watches a couple of birds chitter and hop around on the ground. He tosses them some food. They eagerly peck at the seed.
He could sit here for hours, watching them, talking about all the kinds of birds in Mondstadt, in Liyue, Inazuma, Sumeru. He knows the patterns and behaviors, how they nest, and these facts spiral into memories of old, into relevant stories.
No one really cares though.
(Kaeya does.)
Diluc may be uncomfortable with the world, but he must live in it. Crepus left a legacy and a price to reap. Hell, even before that - in his Knights days, he had a duty to protect.
So, Diluc watched everyone around him closely. He may not understand some cues or platitudes, but he can figure out what reaction they lead to, or what action takes place afterwards.
He can memorize the varying sounds of emotion in people, even if it's a struggle to keep track.
He can take phrases and words and parrot them, though they're not entirely his own. They get a favorable, predictable action in unpredictable settings.
He can cope with sensations and textures by keeping himself covered and having his favored foods surely on hand.
Diluc has learned to mimic the right things at the right times over the years, which allowed him to grow into the young, polite gentleman of a Ragnvindr heir. He is sought after and admired, successful in his own right too.
It gets exhausting though.
He feels like an amalgamation, sometimes, of 'odd' and 'normal.' Diluc has learned, he's a fully functioning adult that can fit into society, yet at the same time, he is not who he portrays himself, not who he mimics.
If he's just a crude painting of everyone he's ever met, then who the fuck is he?
Diluc's tired. Kaeya stands right there with him as the safest place in the world.
Kaeya is quiet at the right times, and he knows where and when touch is bearable. He listens to Diluc speak, even if Kaeya must interject occasionally with something horribly sarcastic.
Although he's such a vague and clouded and /secretive, hidden, private/ person to everyone else, somehow he's nothing but crystal clear.
Perhaps Kaeya is the one person Diluc's mastered understanding. Where everyone is exhausting, Kaeya is worth learning his complexity.
Kaeya doesn't look at Diluc funny when he's overwhelmed because the light's glaring off the tumbler aggravatingly and his ponytail is in the wrong place.
He's gentle when Diluc cannot sleep, ever the insomniac stricken with long-term grief and alarm.
Diluc mimics, and fakes, and puts on a show, but he does not have to mimic for Kaeya.
Kaeya is safe. He's home.
With Kaeya, Diluc thinks he is most himself he's been in ages.
10/25/22, archived from Twitter
ONGOING
Asexual Diluc and the trials that come with it
―――
Diluc knew that he wasn't normal from a young age, but he didn't fully comprehend it at the time. When others were giggling and blushing about other people, gossiping about first kisses, he didn't understand.
It was okay, though. He didn't have to understand, as he was still young - he was only 11! He still had time, and when he was grown up, he'd start feeling the same way.
He was content about it at first. Maybe a little confused and lonely, but he was okay.
Things went downhill when age thirteen hit and suddenly Kaeya was starting to act the same way as they did.
Blushy. Eyes wandering boys and girls they met, watching them leave. Making small comments on how their ass looked, or that they were cute as hell.
Diluc became overcome with a sour jealousy he didn't understand the source of. It infested him, constricted his chest and made him want to cry because of how bad he felt.
He was 13. Kaeya was 13. Why wasn't Diluc the same? Why wasn't Kaeya looking at Diluc like that too?
Kaeya crawled into bed with Diluc one cold night and curled up to him, back to back, feet to feet.
"Luc?"
"Hm?"
"Have you ever wanted to kiss someone?"
Diluc swallowed. Did he? He couldn't recall the urge, but he was recalling the /want/ of it.
"How come?" Diluc asked instead.
"I can't stop thinking about it," Kaeya replied. "And, um... Other things."
Diluc craned his head. "Other things?"
"You, uh. You know." Then, in a shushed, embarrassed voice, "Sex."
Why did Diluc feel so disgusting right now?
Not... Not disgusting. But wrong. Uncomfortable. It pooled thick in his gut and Diluc wanted to escape.
"Oh," he said.
Kaeya curled up in a ball behind him.
"Have you thought about it? I know you and Jean are close."
Gods, not like that. He was still only 13.
"Do /you/ think about it with someone?" Diluc asked in return.
"Um..." Kaeya tensed.
That was a yes. Diluc didn't know why his heart dropped. Why he wanted to squirm.
They dropped the conversation entirely. Diluc didn't sleep well that night.
Diluc didn't know what was wrong with him. He didn't know why Kaeya's words echoed in his brain and made him want to crawl out of his skin.
All he knew was that he felt... completely separated. Isolated.
He hoped to grow up quickly. He was tired of being lonely.
After Kaeya, Diluc began to notice just how rife his peers were with it.
Couples made out in the HQ hallways and not-so-secretly played with each other in the library. Individuals complained about being single, gossiped about who banged who.
Diluc kept his mouth shut, of course. He wasn't a snitch, nor was he a prude.
Why couldn't they keep it in their pants? How could they be so damn horny? They're only 13. They're children.
And then they're 14. And 15.
Diluc felt eternally stuck as a child. The world went on without him.
At age 14, Crepus sat Diluc and Kaeya down at the table with a book and a cup of tea.
"I think it's time I give you boys the talk," Crepus said, "for when you need it."
Crepus gave Kaeya a knowing stare. Diluc didn't want to think about it.
He opened up the book - one of reproductive cycles and 'the birds and the bees' - and began an agonizingly long conversation.
"Who you engage in it with doesn't matter," Crepus said. "Boys or girls, both are completely normal. You have my, Elzer's, and Adelinde's full support either way. It's important you stay safe, though."
"Why do we need to learn now?" Kaeya asked, cheek to fist.
Crepus looked at him and sighed. "You two are growing up, as much as I don't want to admit it, and it's inevitable you will want to become intimate with someone. It's better you know for when the time comes rather than scramble and make risky mistakes."
When. Not if.
Crepus, after conveying it all with detail, went on to explain that 'those' feelings are normal too. That it's a fact that both of them would become interested and aroused by someone, and it's important to communicate.
Honestly, some of the details blurred for Diluc.
Diluc understood the concept of him being with someone in the future. He understood it was a fact and this information would prepare him for when he made that decision.
As time went on, that concept became more and more estranged from himself.
Age 15.5, Diluc felt like none of that applied to him. Not really. He couldn't picture himself right now courting a cute boy and becoming intimate, or even kissing him.
He felt, once again, isolated. Stuck in his own little bubble.
One afternoon, shortly after training with the Knights ended, Diluc made the way up the stairs to use the bathroom and wash off.
He was alone, or so he thought, until soft moans and giggles reached his ears from the corner breaking away from the main hallway.
Diluc pursed his lips, huffing, and continued walking. Whatever. Kids will be kids, and they will be stupid.
He unfortunately had to pass them on the way to the bathroom. Diluc couldn't help but spare a glance.
His heart dropped in that very instant.
Kaeya had a boy their age - a blondie with green eyes - pinned against the wall by his hips. Their tongues were down each other's throats with roaming hands, feeling what they pleased. They were clumsy, but driven.
Diluc wanted to vomit.
He turned the other direction and left.
He... He didn't know what to think or feel. He didn't know what the correct reaction was. Diluc only knew that heart shattered.
Maybe he'd fooled himself into thinking Kaeya was the same. Overlooked his obvious interest in others and those activities–
and was sorely mistaken until evidence proved otherwise. It made sense. Diluc was lonely and the brain is weak.
If Kaeya was like this, then Diluc should be too. They were hip to hip close, so much so one didn't end without the other beginning.
So why couldn't Diluc grow up?
He laid in bed that night, tearing himself to shreds while staring blankly up at the ceiling, still dotted with glowing stars from childhood.
Diluc was not normal. He concluded that with finality. There was something wrong with him and he needed to fix it.
He didn't know how to fix it. He didn't know how to make himself like everyone else - relationships, sex, intimacy - and he didn't know why he was... wrong, from his very bones.
Broken.
Did Kaeya know he was broken?
Did Kaeya know how fucked up Diluc was? The damn boy was nearly of age and he hadn't held hands with anyone besides Kaeya.
He hadn't done anything with anyone besides Kaeya. He loved Kaeya more than anything in the world. He was his first priority.
Diluc angrily pushed down his lounge pants and took himself in hand. Maybe if he just made an effort and tried, this would all be proven wrong.
He wasn't a broken boy. He was just... not prone to being aroused? Yeah, that had to be it.
Diluc wasn't a stranger to touching himself. It was an occasional activity to rid himself of tension and relax himself at night - so when he bit into his pillow and sighed from the sensations, he thought the troubles were dissipating.
Diluc had no one in mind.
He tried. He picked random strangers he'd feel less guilty getting off to and imagined a scene of them fumbling in bed. It did nothing for him.
He tried picturing characters from his favorite books. He picked scene illustrations, strangers, conventionally attractive people.
Nothing.
He picked Jean.
Nothing.
He picked Kaeya, in a fit of desperation.
His heart fluttered when something in him stirred. A bad taste formed on the back of his tongue, but he couldn't care.
He wasn't unfixable, he wasn't wrong, he wasn't–
The sparked flutter died as quickly as it came when his fantasy got into the thick of intimacy.
Nothing.
Oh.
Diluc /was/ broken, wasn't he?
He tucked himself away, unfulfilled. Diluc cried a lot to himself that night.
Diluc couldn't look Kaeya in the eyes for several days. All he could see was Kaeya making out with another boy (that wasn't Diluc) and the (unjustified) hint of betrayal (for what Diluc conjured in his own thoughts), plus a reminder of the fact he discovered.
Diluc was defected and there was no way to fix it.
But, as life does, it went on. The world continued to spin even though Diluc felt stuck in it, forever 11 years old.
He had to move on.
Diluc wasn't a fool. He knew the way Kaeya looked at him now - disappointed, let down, confused - when Diluc avoided him for the next week.
It was for the best though, wasn't it? Kaeya was growing up. He needed people on his own level.
He needed people that weren't Diluc, and who wanted him, and who could give him what he wanted.
At the end of that week, Diluc sobered up and kicked himself for being such a mopey, whiny baby. Kaeya didn't deserve to be ignored for something as stupid as Diluc's own insecurities.
"I'm sorry," he said softly, unable to look Kaeya in the eyes. Crepus raised Diluc better than that, but he couldn't bring himself for eye contact. "I've been unfair to you."
Kaeya looked at him, lips set into a sad frown. "Why are you avoiding me, Luc?"
Diluc swallowed hard.
"I, um."
Barbatos, he was gonna make an ass of himself, wasn't he? Diluc felt ashamed just thinking of admitting the reason. It was so stupid and foolish.
"I saw you with that boy. In the hallway."
Kaeya paled. "You--You did?"
Diluc wrung his hands together. 15, yet 11. "Yes. I didn't... didn't know what to think. So I avoided it." What went unsaid was, 'which meant avoiding you.'
"Which time?" Kaeya whispered.
Diluc looked at him incredulously. Could his heart crack any more?
None of this had anything to do with him, but it felt like it did. He was sickeningly jealous. Of not being that boy, and of not being able to feel, not able to connect.
"Which time?" Diluc repeated, voice cracking. He cleared his throat.
Kaeya realizing that was the wrong thing to say rapidly showed on his face. "Luc, let me explain."
Diluc didn't feel like it. But, he stayed. He'd do anything for Kaeya. Even rot for him.
Kaeya rubbed the back of his neck.
"Me and him... We're nothing. We've snuck off to the back a couple times, but it's never gone any farther than kissing. I was curious. About how it felt. What it was like. And he was too."
Diluc worked his jaw in silence.
Kaeya looked at him, visibly waiting for a response. When he got nothing but a careful blank expression, he sighed.
"None of it meant anything. Just... Hormones? Whatever Crepus said." Kaeya weakly chuckled. "You know how it is..."
"I don't."
Kaeya blinked in surprise. "What?"
Diluc shook his head and turned around. "Just forget it."
Kaeya caught his sleeve.
"Diluc, what's wrong? Why are you upset with me? Is it because I didn't tell you?"
Diluc would rather have not heard or seen anything.
"No, no," he replied, pitching his tone lighter. "Continue on as you please. You two and your... whatever. Couple-ness? Fling? Hide better next time."
Diluc swore he heard a, "I wished it was you" on his way out.
Diluc went to bed that night, hollow and gutted. He knew what pain felt like, but this was a new brand of sorrow.
He was being a whiny, mopey baby again, wasn't he? Unable to handle the fact that Kaeya was growing up and away from him.
That Diluc wasn't as important to Kaeya as before anymore, and that Diluc really /was/ just a fucked up human being.
15, yet 11, yet 8.
There was no place in the world for him. There was no place in someone's heart for him. No one wants a defect.
Diluc curled into the sheets and wished that the aching crack in his heart would dissipate so he could sleep.
Age 16.5, and Crepus asked why Diluc had never brought anyone home.
"I just don't find anyone particularly interesting yet," Diluc hesitantly said, nudging his way around the subject.
Kaeya looked at him with an unreadable expression.
Crepus frowned. "Not anyone? There /must/ be a girl you've had your eye on before."
Diluc was dead quiet, unable to meet his father's eye.
Diluc had his eyes on one person, and that person wouldn't want someone like him.
"Or, ahem," Crepus cleared his throat, "a boy."
Diluc put on a weak smile. "I don't like anyone, Father. It's... just that." Nothing to it.
Yeah. Nothing to it.
Crepus appeared disappointed, but didn't voice it. Thank god. Diluc didn't know if he could handle that conversation.
He'd had a long time to think about himself. Most of it was of a self-loathing nature, but it brought to light facts he couldn't deny.
Diluc wanted to be in love. He desired romance. Sex and romance are so intertwined, though, especially in the city of freedom.
Mond was less prudish than other cultures of Teyvat.
When Diluc confronted Kaeya the year before about the boy, he spent another week avoiding him and licking his wounds. Gradually, he gravitated back to him, though more separated than before.
He didn't know if Kaeya ever got with that boy again. He was glad he didn't know, but bothered by it too. It was a bittersweet, double-edged sword.
Kaeya never brought anyone home. Diluc could only be grateful for that, as he watched Kaeya slip through his fingers.
Once again - life continued on. The world still turned. Diluc pushed himself past it and threw himself into the Knights. If Diluc couldn't be whole, then he'd be damn good at what he /could/ be.
Kaeya trailed behind him, remaining comfortably in the shadow that Diluc cast.
Things... Well. They didn't necessarily get easier, per se, but Diluc learned to maneuver around. He grew.
He and Kaeya were side by side constantly. They fought together in expeditions, went to events together, trained and studied together.
Just as in childhood, the two of them were inseparable.
They were, together, the uncrowned bachelor princes of Mond.
Having that title meant a lot, and young adults eagerly trying to get with either of them was one of the consequences.
Diluc's stomach churned in queasiness as Kaeya playfully spun pleasantries with his silver tongue with a girl a year younger.
He, himself, gently turned everyone down.
He had to remind himself that Kaeya would never be what Diluc wished he was. It was a harsh truth.
Diluc couldn't hope Kaeya to be something he wasn't - private, selective, unsexual like him. So, he must deal with jealousy of various kinds and reasons.
He couldn't keep himself from wishing though, quietly, it was him on that receiving end of that tongue.
Kaeya flourished. Skyrocketed. He was so brilliant that it hurt Diluc's eyes to see, yet he'd withstand the countless tears to witness him.
Diluc cherished the nights Kaeya slept over with him, back to back, feet to feet. He didn't know what time would be the last.
Diluc didn't know when Kaeya would branch out once again and leave him 16, yet 11, yet 8.
He didn't know what was to come.
Age 17, his life stood on two feet and fucking ran.
Diluc, admittedly, got a little too drunk on his birthday.
Crepus had allowed him a small, /small/ glass of wine in celebration. He (presumably) failed to notice when Kaeya snuck the entire bottle away, as well as others, and stashed them in his room.
As a lightweight, Diluc was a little buzzed when he retired to bed. He mostly found the aftertaste not to his liking, but he couldn't deny the pleasantries of inebriation - what little he knew of it, at least.
Diluc closed his door, sat down on his bed, and simply sat. Stared at the floor. Thought.
Seventeen. Huh. Damn. Just one more year until he was of age.
It felt just like yesterday when he was still on Crepus's shoulders, lifted up after crushing grapes with his feet.
There were a lot of things he should be feeling, but he didn't feel them, nor did he know what to do with those feelings if he did.
Diluc should feel older and wiser. He really didn't though; apart from the celebration, it was just an ordinary day. Nothing special.
Had he wasted his year? Had he done enough? Had he made the best of it?
That was a fear he had - wasting his time and youth.
Being in the Knights and having studies kept him constantly busy. Nonetheless, the little voice of fear crept into his mind.
Diluc only had this year left before he was an adult. Before all the responsibilities of adulthood came crashing down upon him and his (limited) freedom was no longer free.
Had he missed out on opportunities this year? Missed out on adventures?
Grand Master Varka always encouraged playing as hard as one worked. He'd said, "Enjoy your youth while it lasts, cause it ain't here forever."
Diluc knew it objectively was just a... factual sentence. Some nights like these, those, it was frightful.
Sometimes, Diluc wondered if he was missing out on being a teenager by being the cavalry captain.
In an attempt to calm his growing panic, he thought back on all the available opportunities of the year. To be honest, there weren't many he had missed.
He attended expeditions, trained new Knights, helped host small parties. Crepus brought him on business trips and Kaeya made sure they had time for beach visits and exploration. Their closest friends they hung out with were as busy as they were.
Diluc let out a sigh.
It was okay. He had time. He did what he could and made wonderful memories.
Diluc would never forget the time Jean fell in a ditch on a camping trip after announcing the terrain was free of ditches.
The memory made him smile.
Everything was alright. He hadn't squandered his time and youth.
But--
Gods, he was coming back around to this again? It must have been the alcohol getting to him. Diluc hadn't thought about this for a while now - he was doing so good.
But-- he hadn't had his first kiss yet, let alone held a hand romantically.
Diluc shoved his face into his hands and rubbed his eyes.
He didn't know why he kept circling back to this, time and time again. Diluc was not a fan of relationships, really. He couldn't find attraction in anyone (except one person he couldn't have). He knew he'd be severely uncomfortable if he /was/ in one.
So why, if Diluc knew he'd be just suffering the entire time in a relationship or through related displays of affection, was he so ashamed he had never experienced it (yet)?
17, yet 11, yet 8.
There was a severe disconnect with societal expectations, his wants, and his actual reality of being.
Diluc couldn't think of anyone, bar Sucrose or deliberately 'celibate' individuals, who hadn't been kissed before.
Hell, his own... Scratch that. Hell, /Kaeya/ had.
Diluc knew at his age he should be searching. He should be courting, hooking up, fancying, whatever.
Crepus expected a significant other and, in the future, an heir. Right?
Yet Diluc couldn't shake the perpetual thought of 'when I'm older, it'll come.' When is older?
What age would fix him? Make him normal?
He wanted: a relationship, intimacy, kisses, to be touched and to touch preciously, to adore and be adored, to feel and give pleasure, sex like any other teenager.
Sitting there, the dots slowly, finally began to connect.
Diluc wanted to /want/ those things. That was key, wasn't it?
Society said he should want it, so he wanted to want it, and it felt the same. But it isn't, truly.
Having a romantic relationship was more in the picture than anything else, granted. But semantics.
Everything is just so frustrating.
Seventeen and he couldn't even figure out his own mind.
Diluc wanted Kaeya.
(Speak of the devil...)
Diluc lifted his head at a couple precise knocks on his door. It was a constructed pattern only Kaeya knew and used.
"Come in," he called, sitting up straighter.
Kaeya popped his head in with a wicked grin. He quickly scurried in and locked the door.
Then, from behind his back, he revealed two bottles of wine.
Diluc and Kaeya being aware of how intimidating they can be individually and being careful with each other, moreso at the beginning of their relationship post Diluc's return.
Diluc yells a lot - it was a… necessity, so to speak, during his travels.
No one pays attention to soft spoken people, or soft spoken commands.
Kaeya's getting on his nerves and Diluc snaps and shouts at him from across the house.
Kaeya immediately shuts up, but it's all too silent. Diluc's stomach churns.
He goes to find Kaeya visibly shaken and taken back, but attempting to appear otherwise. His hands shake, though, and Diluc's heart sinks.
"Kaeya…? I'm… I'm sorry."
Kaeya shakes his head. He backs away when Diluc tries to come closer. "Don't."
It's an hour of Kaeya separating himself in the bedroom before he returns. He no longer has such a terrified look in his eye. He's merely uneasy.
"It… It reminds me of that night," he whispers into Diluc's shoulder, muffled. Diluc's embrace on him tightens.
"Does it?" Diluc whispers in return. Guilt threatens to choke him.
Kaeya hesitantly nods. His hair tickles beneath Diluc's chin.
"I'm… I…"
Diluc waits. He'd always wait for Kaeya.
"It scares me. You scare me, sometimes," Kaeya admits.
Diluc can't speak.
His own boyfriend is afraid of him. Diluc certainly doesn't blame him… But he still has the urge to vomit.
Kaeya must have felt Diluc tensing because his grip tightens too.
"It's been a long time since I've been scared," he says. "But when you yell…"
Diluc promises to avoid yelling at all costs. He'd never realized how frightening it could be, as it had been normal, but Kaeya's fear…
He wants to give him the best home possible. /Be/ the best home possible.
On the other hand…
Kaeya is very quick, manipulative, and agile. He uses it all to his advantage, sometimes unintentionally.
Kaeya stands in the shadows of Angel's Share, leaning against the wood, and watches Diluc yank on some longer gloves for his Darknight Hero getup and start off into the night.
Really, this is ridiculous, in Kaeya's not-so-humble opinion…
Diluc hasn't slept in days. What's he doing /fighting/ in this state? He can't help the insomnia, but this is risky even for him.
Kaeya frowns and follows behind. He's uncaring if Diluc notices him or not, because he's not here to be sneaky, but to take Diluc home and get him to bed.
Diluc fumbles pulling his hair up. Kaeya has watched him redo it three times, Diluc grumbling and twitching each time.
Diluc's agitated and oversensitive, it seems, and all from fatigue. He only repeats actions on his person like this if it's bad sensation wise.
Kaeya pulls his cape tighter around his shoulders and frowns. It's getting chillier at night now - it almost feels like a snow night, if Kaeya didn't know any better.
Diluc sets off towards the city entrance. Kaeya follows behind.
He would be lying if he said he's not interested in how this is going to play out.
An exhausted Diluc with self destructive tendencies + mobs of Abyss-laden monsters = ?
Kaeya's heart nearly jumps out of its chest as Diluc misses a shadowy step down and begins to tumble.
His body moves before he even thinks of it.
Kaeya lurches and grips Diluc's shoulder, fingertips digging into his thick clothing. Just barely he's able to yank him backwards and keep Diluc on his feet--
Diluc whips around, claymore suddenly in hand.
It's a work of Barbatos Kaeya jumps out of the way in time before it comes down on his hand.
"Di--"
Diluc in his entirety is a punch to the gut; one hand and Kaeya slams to the ground in an instant, pinned.
The breath is knocked out of him. The ground is so, so cold.
Kaeya wheezes. He struggles to turn, lips opening to snap, but words die on his tongue.
There's a look in Diluc's eyes he's never seen before.
He's unhinged, and terrified, wired and on edge. There's no recognition in them until several long minutes later.
"K--Kaeya?" Diluc chokes out.
Exhausted eyes that are oh so awake widen and crinkle in immediately guilt. The fear doesn't leave - oh no, no, no, it does not.
Kaeya notes how Diluc's body brims with restlessness.
Diluc's in survival mode now, isn't he?
"It's me," Kaeya pants. "I'm--" Diluc lets up, and Kaeya pulls in a deep breath, "here to take you home."
"Home?" Diluc stares at him.
"Yes, home." Kaeya picks himself back up. "You're in no state to be out right now."
Diluc's hands flex around the handle of his claymore. His eyes flit, in a constant state of alarm and surveillance.
"I--I can't," he mumbles, "I have to…"
Diluc sounds so pitiful.
"Have to what?" Kaeya asks softly.
"Not safe…"
Kaeya's heart breaks.
It isn't too often anymore he sees the aftermath of what the Fatui did to Diluc. It's harrowing every time, though.
He manages to coax Diluc down from being on the verge of snapping or bolting, and brings him back to his city apartment.
There's no way they're getting home to Dawn Winery tonight after what Kaeya caused.
Kaeya doesn't miss how jumpy Diluc is, even in a locked, safe home. He doesn't look like he feels safe.
Kaeya vows to make him feel safe every day for the rest of his life.
And for Kaeya, that means putting down some of his sneaky habits.
