i've been thinking about vanity and how strongly i've been feeling it lately. i'm going to ramble about it under the cut.
oftentimes i look at my naked body in mirrors and i smile because i like how it looks, sometimes i see my face after i go swimming and i can't stop staring at her, i drew something for my best friend the other day and i was incredibly proud of it, i write notes app poems and read them back to myself and feel like ive really done something.
and lately i'm doing all this so much, and mostly i am just happy, but there is a lingering feeling that i've done something wrong by feeling it. there is this sense that if i am to be good, i first must be unselfish, unimpressed, unhappy with the way that i am or the way that i do things.
i usually feel poorly about gendered stuff but for one thing, i think it can be true that there is nuance to gender while also being true that on a societal like systemic level there are differences in how people are treated and taught and such, and those differences are often gendered.
i watched a video, it's from wild geese podcast, i'll try and find the link, but in it she talks about how men often need compassion and selflessness in order to grow, and this the advice everyone gets is about that, is about losing yourself in order to care for others.
and the thing is, for women (or other oppressed groups) that is the standard. compassion, selflessness, that's the assumption. and the point this lovely podcaster was making was that perhaps for women, enlightenment is learning how to value and find and care for yourself.
i obviously am still very very big on community, obviously this is not like some "oh everyone be selfish" thing. i just think there's an amount of ego that people should have, and it's not zero, yk? and i think people with privileges often kinda- often subconsciously- have that already in their respective areas of privilege, maybe? or something like that, point being it's actively good for people to grow their self esteem and their ego, especially if it's in an area that they are being put down in, in some way.
i do understand that arrogance and selfishness are not good things. i mean hell we see it on the news, in people with positions of power, in those who treat others poorly. it sucks. but i've started sort of knocking back the instinctive, often unintentional, thoughts of "you're being full of yourself". i've started leaning into thinking i'm hot and sexy and skilled and fun to be around. i think maybe it's just better that way, for me, maybe i can live better this way.
ok that's all :)
