The Real Eagal

Are you hypnotized yet?

[therealeagal]

I saw a humorous scene in an anime.

It may be thought quite droll.

[therealeagal]

Thoughts on The Odyssey

Anyone who didn't have a problem with this man being cast as Ra, the ruler of the gods of Egypt in the film Gods of Egypt, raise your hand.

Now anyone who raised their hand and who does have a problem with Lupita Nyong'o being cast as Helen of Troy, take that hand, put sign that says "Please punch me as hard as you can" in it and use that hand to affix that sign to your face. Please and thank you. :)

[therealeagal]

The Odyssey

I am nothing if not beholden to modern trends, my children, so let's kick the hornet's nest and comment on the casting of the upcoming film known as The Odyssey.

For starters, what even is The Odyssey? Well, it's like a book or some shit. Might have been a proper myth that was recorded into a book? Or was it a book that was adopted as proper myth? Is there even a difference? Idunno. Anyway, I know the broad strokes, but have never read it myself.

It takes place after the Trojan War and focuses on one Odysseus, king of...I wanna say Ithaca?

Anyway, he wants to get home to Ithaca after the absolute clusterfuck that was the Trojan War so he sets sail and along the way he pisses off Poseidon who makes it very difficult for Odysseus to get to his destination. Odysseus lands on a variety of islands that I don't know all of. I think the Lotus Eaters were one of them. Maybe Circe as well? He definitely runs into a cyclops at some point. Polyphemus. Blinding that guy is what pisses off Poseidon, who is Poly's father. Also I'm pretty sure the sirens were there too at some point.

Anyway, middle middle middle Odysseus makes it back home and kills a bunch of guys who are putting the moves on his wife and everyone lives happily ever after. I assume. I actually don't know. I mean, except for all the people Odysseus killed. They don't live happily ever after. And Polyphemus doesn't live happily ever after either since he's blind now...

Anyway, it's getting a movie starring Matt Damon as Odysseus,

Baby-faced Tom Holland plays Odysseus Jr, AKA Telemachus.

Robert Pattinson as one of the randos vying for the hand of Odysseus wife Penelope played by...I wanna say Anne Hathaway?

Zendaya as Athena. I don't think I've actually seen any of Zendaya's movies other than Spider-Man, and I like her well enough in them. No opinion.

Benny Safdie as Agamemnon. No idea who Benny Safdie is but I do know he doesn't look like a giant piece of shit, which is what Agamemnon was. That's the real casting decision people oughta be mad about.

Circe is Samantha Morton. No idea who that is.

Charlize Theron as Calypso, who I know little about off the top of my head.

But that's not what you care about is it? No, you wanna know what I think of Lupita Nyong'o's casting as Helen of Troy. It's all anyone is talking about, after all.

Well, sorry to burst your bubble but Lupita Nyong'o is a good get. No notes.

"BUT EAGAL!" I hear you say. "LUPITA NYONGO ISN'T PRETTY ENOUGH TO BE HELEN OF TROY WHO IS SUPPOSED TO BE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN IN THE WORLD!!!11!!111!!1!1!!!!1!!!1"

You know, just for a moment, I'll humor you and pretend that you're not just mad that they didn't cast a white actress for Helen.

According to wikipedia my own encyclopedic knowledge of everything, Ms Nyong'o was voted as the world's most beautiful woman by People magazine back in 2014.

Beauty is, of course, in the eye of the beholder, but if you're looking for an actress with credentials, Lupita's proverbial cup runneth over.

You're out of cards to play, my friend. In the (paraphrased) words of a very smart man by the name of Daybit Sem Void, "Die mad, you salty bitch".

One other thing people are pissy about is that I have heard it said - although I have seen nothing definitive - that Elliot Page has been cast as Achilles. Again no notes. Well, maybe one. How ripped and/or swole can Page get for the part? Because the guy ain't exactly Mr Universe. Beyond that, as I know him to be otherwise a talented actor, I have no strong feelings about this casting whatsoever.

P.S. While I'm happy to entertain critical commentary on the casting of the movie, if all you're going to do is whinge at me for pointing out that you're mad that they cast a black woman as Helen of Troy, you are, of course, entitled to your own opinion. But I don't wanna hear it, so please, I beg of you.

Do not wiggle your face to me, monarch of refuse and thief of moonbeams!

Please and thank you. :)

[therealeagal]

Po! Kee! Manz!

POKEEMANZ!

[therealeagal]

Is it okay to be white?

What a title!

Decide for yourselves whether my words have value, or if they are naught by the ravings of a madman. Whichever you decide, don't @ me, bro.

I'm not here to debate. Just to pontificate. Let's begin.

So yeah. Is it okay to be white? Really? Really really? Really really really? Really really really really? Really really really really really? Really really really really really really? Really really really really really really? Really really really really really really? Really really really really really really? Really really really really really really really?

I could go on but I won't.

To answer the question, though: Don't be fatuous. Of course it is.

Are there people in the world who hate white people for no reason other than the color of their skin? Well, I mean. Probably. It's a big world out there. But those people are weird. No one likes them.

Most people just don't give a shit one way or the other. Live and let live is the word of the day.

But in point of fact, the question of "Is it okay to be white?" is misleading. While it can honestly be said there's nothing, in and of itself, wrong with being white, no one ever said there was.

Consider: Subjects which draw such a proclamation as "It's okay to be white" typically include, but are not limited to, commentary on harms perpetrated by white people in the past (including but not limited to, America's history with slavery), a person of color existing in a work of fiction, a person of color existing at all, or a video game wherein the primary antagonists are Nazis.

For you see, in the west, and especially in America, and double especially considering the bag with which one douches that is in charge of the country at this particular point in time, 99.99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999% of the time when someone says "It's okay to be white", what they really mean is "It's okay to be a white supremacist".

Which, you know, it's not...

Compare, "All Lives Matter". While any reasonable person would agree that all lives matter (except for the lives of people who put pineapple on pizza. Those people are obviously irredeemable), All Lives Matter is actually a response to Black Lives Matter, seeking to dismiss ongoing harms perpetrated against black communities by suggesting that their suffering is irrelevant in comparison to the totality of humanity's suffering. More to the point, its purpose is to dismiss outright the possibility that black lives matter.

Which, if it needed to be said, they do matter.

All this is to say, the next time someone asks you if it's okay to be white, I want you to refrain from your completely valid impulse to punch them in the face as hard as you can. Instead I want you to give them a big hug and tell them they're beautiful and explain to them why the question is misleading and what they can do to better understand other cultures and all that jazz.

And if that doesn't work, THEN you can punch them in the face. Just gotta do your due diligence first.

And if it does work, you can still punch them anyway if you want. Anime has taught me that it's okay to punch your friend in the face if they're being a pleb.

Sound like a plan?

P.S. If you take offense to anything I have said here today, you are, of course, entitled to your own opinion, but I don't wanna hear it. So please, I beg of you,

DO NOT WIGGLE YOUR FACE TO ME, MONARCH OF REFUSE AND THIEF OF MOONBEAMS!

Please and thank you. :)

[therealeagal]

Happy Winter Yulewanzukkahmastice!

Well, we made it through another year of that fuckstick in the White House, my children, if just barely. Reasons to be grateful, I suppose.

Happy holidays to you all, whenever it happens. And as for you, jolly old St Nick, I will never change my wish. Give me snow on Christmas or you will forever remain my archnemesis.

You are obligated by the age old contract of naughty and nice. I am, by an inconceivable wide margin, the nicest boy anyone will ever meet, ergo I am entitled to my Christmas wish. And it's not so onerous a wish, is it? Just a little snow. Do it, fat man, or else.

[therealeagal]

I made a thing in Terraria

I didn't design it. Obviously. But I did build it meself. Took FOR FREAKING EVER.

You may praise me now.

[therealeagal]

You’ll answer any question? Where do you work?

Up your butt and around the corner.

[therealeagal]

Thoughts on: Charlie Kirk

Fuck him. He deserved to die.

[therealeagal]

I found a humorous picture on the interwebs.

It may be thought quite droll.

Credit to Dollemore. I can't make out the second word in the watermark. I think it may be Dahy? Rahy? Idunno. Well, credit to that person whatever they are called.

[therealeagal]

Superman 2025

I have one and only one criteria for whether this movie will be the best movie ever made or the worst movie ever made.

Does anything bad happen to Krypto? If so, then it's the worst. DC is dead to me. So is James Gunn.

Someone go see it for me and then tell me if the movie is good or bad. Rip off the proverbial band-aid. I can handle it.

[therealeagal]

Thoughts on: Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.

Wouldn't it have been better for the reindeer to learn to like Rudolph for who he is, rather than just liking him for being useful to Santa?

And why didn't Santa know the reindeer were being mean to Rudolph in the first place?

You got some 'splaining to do, Nick.

[therealeagal]

Clair Obscur: Expedition 33

Play it. Love it. If you don't, I hate you.

Thank you, that is all.

[therealeagal]

Hollow Knight

I guess I should warn for spoilers. I guess. Even though the game is ten years old and I hate having to do that anyway.

So here's your spoiler warning. Bastards.

Pretty fun game, I reckon. It's a metroidvania game that was made like ten years ago or some shit.

So the story goes, the ruler of Hallownest, the Pale King, usurped the local god, Radiance and then built his kingdom.

The Pale King erased all evidence of Radiance's existence except - rather inexplicably - for the giant statue at the summit of the mountain literally right outside of the starting town. Que sera sera.

But then Radiance, quite understandably, got pissy and unleashed a plague in revenge.

Then the Pale King started murdering thousands and thousands of his children in an effort to find one that is completely hollow. No mind of its own, no will of its own, nothing for the Radiance to target with her mind powers.

The player character was one such child, although not the one that the Pale King ultimately selected to be the eponymous Hollow Knight.

So anyway, the Pale King sealed Radiance inside the Hollow Knight, then sealed the Hollow Knight in a temple and then fucked off and died.

Also the Pale King has a daughter that isn't one of the hollow children, who is named Hornet. She's cool.

Anyway, fast forward who knows how many years and the player character - who had somehow escaped The Abyss that the Pale King had locked them and all their failure siblings in and wandered the earth and junk and stuff - returns to Hallownest to fight the bad guys and don't afraid of anything.

I'm too much of a scrub and fake gamer to beat Radiance and also to beat the nightmare grimm guy and also to beat the Trial of the Fools and also to beat the Godseeker stuff, so I've finished with a respectable 106% out of a total 112%.

There needs to be an invincibility mode in the options or some shit so I can just earn all the trophies without having to bother because I've run out of fucks to give.

It's a quality game. Gold star. If you haven't played it, you should. You'll probably get more than 106% assuming you're not a scrub or a fake gamer.

[therealeagal]

Thoughts on: Bojack Horseman

Of all the reasons that Bojack is a terrible person the fact that he drives a tesla might just be one of the worst.

[therealeagal]

Thoughts on: Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer

Why does the song take for granted that we remember Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen, but then it has to remind us of Rudolph, the most famous reindeer of all?

[therealeagal]

Brainstorming isekais

Dear America,

I think we can all agree that this place is a dump and no one likes it. So we need to put our heads together and think of a way to get isekaied, kids. Non-violently if at all possible.

So far I've ruled out several of the big names. Kirito, Ainz, Rimuru, Kazuma. I forget how Subaru got isekaied.

I mean, Kirito didn't technically get isekaied, but he kinda did. I'm counting it.

The Ainz method relies on the existence of a DMMO. And that technology doesn't exist yet. And also it would require me to play an MMO. And I LOOOOOOOATHE MMOs.

I forget her name, but there was one girl who died of overwork. Got hooked up by a goddess who made her an immortal witch and she spent a few centuries grinding to max level on her daily commute to market. The series was called something like "I Spent 500 Years Killing Slimes Until I'm Max Level" or some shit.

But like, I'm American and a Millennial. I don't have that kind of work ethic.

Naofumi has potential, but that method is unreliable. Also, it raises questions about the disposition of people in the new world. Especially the world leaders.

And also I don't want to get roped into defending a country that practices slavery. Controversial opinion, but I think slavery is bad.