#fear day

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wow three judgment days in a row how good can it get

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[aesterea-archived]

Fears... some make sense, failing, loosing my family, but I'm also TERRIFIED of clowns. I've no idea why. Always have been. I don't like being scared in person. I like to read some horror/thrillers because I can distance. But haunted houses, movies, etc. I can't do it. I suspend my disbelief so much it becomes too much for my anxiety to handle. My brain starts to imagine it truly happening. I get nightmares. I still remember the first nightmare I had. My brain holds onto that shit.

i understand. it’s incredible that you remember your first nightmare, wow!! what was it about, if you don’t mind sharing?

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01:54:00

[aesterea-archived]

i'm scared of pretty much everything but one thing that both terrifies and intrigues me is like... post-apocalyptic scenarios/cosmic horror/1984-style dystopias? i think the idea that everything is futile, that something truly terrible has either just or is just about to happen because of something so much more powerful than yourself, something that just does. not. care about you is horrifying but god it's compelling

oh this is interesting!! i personally don’t think about it much but i get where you’re coming from. i was really into post-apocalyptic stuff when i was younger for some reason, but i think it was for different reasons? i think for me it was more about… breaking down human nature… seeing what we become when circumstances spit in our faces… god, what people are capable of!!

I’m getting off topic lol thanks for sending this in!! i’ll be thinking about it

[aesterea-archived]

im terrified of losing control of temper and hurting other people, especially my little siblings. they're so young, and I've taken care of them so long that they trust me with more than our parents, and i could never forgive myself if i hurt them, but i just speak so cruelly sometimes. once i was so mad at school i made a boy cry, and i still feel horrible over that. maybe its a stupid fear, cause its something i can control. but its always there.

i guess being afriad of that is good. it keeps me kind.

it is absolutely not a stupid fear. listen. we’ve all been terrible to somebody at some point. it’s unfortunate, but it’s part of life. i don’t know a single non-child person who has legitimately never hurt anybody. i’m not saying it’s okay to hurt people, of course; i only hope to remind you there’s no point in beating yourself up about it. the more important thing is avoiding it, avoiding the causing of pain in others. i relate to you deeply, anon. i am also really really really afraid of losing my temper. i am terrified of becoming an abuser. but this fear has led to the ability to maintain incredible self-control. it has driven me to high levels of deliberate kindness and conscious patience. ask yourself, what can you do with your fear? how can you turn it into a good thing? 

when you’re angry, do something the opposite of what you want to do. shut your mouth, move away from what’s causing your anger (if it’s a physical thing like a person), and force yourself to do something kind. i used to give out candy when i was angry. i used to always keep chocolate in my bag. compliment three people. build something. draw something. write something. even if it’s nonsense. create, in spite of the urge to destroy.

drink a shit ton of water. not soda, not coffee, not tea. water. run your hands under cold water. splash your face with water. take a cold shower. throw yourself into exercise (furious pacing, running, push-ups, dance, whatever), then go lie down. 

[aesterea-archived]

I’m afraid that i will never be as loved as i love. I have so much love inside me, it’s almost burning me, and i love so much around me, but i never feel loved.

i sympathize with you deeply. here’s something i’ve learned: sometimes love is slow. just because it isn’t here yet, doesn’t mean it isn’t on its way. seven-year-old me despaired in being alone, and she would never have believed how much love she would receive five years later, ten years later.

don’t stop giving out love. it never runs out, and it comes back around. sometimes it takes a long time, but it’s coming. anticipate it. it’s coming.

[aesterea-archived]

I’m scared of dying because I’m not religious so although I would love to believe in an afterlife for my peace of mind, I can’t see anything but utter nothing waiting for me after my life ends. and I hate that

the conundrum of existence may just be the most terrifying thing in the world tbh. thanks for sharing, jess <3

talk to me about fear

[aesterea-archived]

i was scared of passing by windows/glass doors at night when they faced the outside and i couldn't see what was out there (if the lights were on inside or there was a curtain etc), almost as if something was watching me and i was scared of what would happen if they were able to see me. i was never scared at all at night until i had to walk through a room with a window facing outside and i'd do my best to stay out of view or turn off all the lights so i could see if something was there

when i was little, my bedroom window had really really thin curtains, pretty much just for show, they were almost completely useless. behind the curtains was a… idk what its called, its a foldy thing of wooden planks and it goes up and down when you pull a string? someone knows the word for this, I’m sure. anyway there was always a little bit of window i could see through the spaces between the bars and… i used to lie paralyzed and sweating at night, imagining someone at the window, kneeling in the grass, watching me through that little space… i imagined it was a robber and they were trying to figure out if i was asleep… sometimes there were two of them, side by side, and in my head they argued, one insisting i was awake, the other insisting i hadn’t moved in hours so i must be asleep. my room is on the second floor now, blocked by a massive tree that’s just too close for a ladder and just too far to spy on me from being seated on a limb and yet my mind still likes to play tricks on me. i have really thick, heavy drapes now but sometimes I’m careless, sometimes i don’t realize i left a crack open until it’s late and by then i’m back to lying still as a rock in my bed… i’m the opposite, anon, i like to turn on the lights in hopes of scaring away anyone who might have been there. or sometimes i like to lie in the dark anyway and let my imagination run wild. shrug. maybe that’s just a me thing