#feeling introspective

[chronically-loquacious]

throwback to that time, I made a list of cheat codes of all the things that made me squirm the most

I wanted to be known so bad... sigh

[asaintbyanyothername]

going to step out from behind the curtain here and just admit:

I believe in my writing, I believe in my talent, but ... because I lost so much time (chronic health struggles, recovery from an addiction, a six-year stretch in a draining relationship, my family being ... a long story, etc.) that I've only just started to reclaim in the last 2-3 years ... I'm still learning my rhythms as a writer. What my peak hours are, when the best time of day, how to actually develop the ideas I come up with, etc

What I'm saying is that for as long as I've been doing this, I'm still new, in a sense. I'm still learning my craft and I'll admit that sometimes I'm ashamed I'm not further along in the journey. Even though life has been challenging for the longest and I KNOW that makes it difficult to progress and improve.

So I didn't really have much of a point to all this except for an insight that came to me earlier today: it's only when I've allowed myself to be "selfish" that I've been able to get any traction on the things I want to accomplish. Being selfish - strategically, consciously, holistically selfish - is a skill in and of itself. A valuable skill.

It's that whole Robert Frost thing, right? Road is long, woods are deep, miles before I sleep, etc, etc.

I've had to wriggle out of traps I can't even begin to describe to you in order to keep moving forward down this path I'm on. I've had people I love try to clip my wings in small but innumerable ways, death by a billion papercuts. And I've been a martyr for so long that prioritizing myself feels like sacrilege in a way.

But the words have always persisted, even at my lowest of ebbs. My readers have always found me. I'm still here and free as I can be. And despite many close calls I'm still alive.

So why not keep going, right?

- Saint

[omegasmileyface]

bro nobody bothered to tell me how lonely it feels to be 18

[thirtysixsavefiles]

You ever be like, “I picked this username for expediency and never expected to be anything but a lurker but now here we are six years later and now people have to figure out how to use it in a sentence or say it out loud.”

It was an inside joke with an audience of one but it’s really grown on me, awkward as it is. I wonder what I would choose if I were making the same choice today.

[maryjanemom]

just told tanleigh about my biggest secret

[awww-brain-no]

As 2019 draws to a close, I sit on my couch, covered in scrapes and bruises and surrounded by boxes stuff and junk because I'm in the middle of moving. It's just me and my cats and the few things I truly need to survive for a couple weeks as I continue to move back to my parents house once again.

And I can't help but hope I do a lot of moving in the next year. That I keep moving forward in managing and recovering from depression. That I keep going with my job search and find the right place for my mental health and necessary form of earning survival monies. That I keep pushing myself to support those around me, especially helping my dad address his own depression issues as I live with him. That I seek more for myself in social and maybe even romantic associations. That I move onto my next decade in time and life and continue to find and create the right spot for me.

And I hope that you do too. That you find what you need to keep going, to get back on your path, to push and motivate yourself to make it to where you need to be. Not where others expect or want, but what you truly need.

May 2020 bring you all the change you need and the peace and comfort you deserve.

[shreddedparchment]

To-do List

Stop comparing my writing to other people's writing.

Enjoy my own style.

Write for myself and myself alone.

Take breaks when I need them. I'm exhausted sometimes.

Stop relying on other writers for validation.

Stop stressing about someone I admire not enjoying my stories. My stuff will not be everyone's cup of tea.

Work on my original stories. Fanfiction is fun but I'll never get anywhere with it professionally.

Stop having negative thoughts about myself. I deserve to be loved too.

Don't stress about being loved. Hopefully it'll come and if it doesn't, there are worse things in life.

Get out of my own head. I don't have to have it together all the time.

It's okay to cry. Crying helps me feel better sometimes.

Always show love and appreciation for those that do support me.

[stillebesat]

"Don't compare your chapter 1 to another person's chapter 20"

Me: Like...dude. I'm just sitting here wondering how you people got to Chapter 20. I've been stuck in chapter 14 for ages.