#fern unity

[natteryaktoad]

Unity Prime, Day 85, Part 7

RIP, Ivy.

I knew this was coming (hence making the twins premature so Ivy could meet them) but... it leaves Max and Lainey in a much different situation that they'd imagined - two babies instead of one, premature so needing extra care, no Ivy to help out...

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Unity Prime, Day 87, Part 6

Tiger thinks this puppy needs a wash!

Lainey: Hello in there! Ready to come out and play with my twins?

Dale was trying to give Asher a bath, but the bathroom was occupied, so he just snuggled his baby cousin instead.

People eventually started eating. There's still plenty of leftovers in the fridge - things that Joy and Ivy made over the years.

Here's Fern! She's super cute, in her little green glasses!

Lainey: I think someone's tired out from partying! How about a nap, sweetie pie?

Asher is also very cute! I think those are Max's slightly wonky eyes. I've no doubt he'll grow into them - Max has.

There was still a highchair in the attic from when Dale was little. I think we'll get a second one to go at the other end of the table when the party's over.

Max: Do you need a wee? What a grown up boy you are!

Throwing the party made me realise how Max and Lainey are ahead of the curve in starting a family - none of their friends have children yet, even friends who are a little older than them. Jenny's pregnant, though, so Fern and Asher will have a little playmate before long. The party list was a selection of friends, as well as a couple of Max's siblings - Jack and Dawn. Max has been friends with Jack since he was a teenager, and although he's not friends with Dawn yet, she and Ad have been helping out with the twins - and also Max is friends with their son, Dale, who's not much younger than him.

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Unity Prime, Day 87, Part 5

And then Asher! He was stubborn and refused to grow up for the cake, but Lainey got him there in the end.

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Unity Prime, Day 87, Part 4

Fern grew up first!

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Unity Prime, Day 87, Part 3

Lainey: Did you get up in the night?

Max: No. Did you?

Lainey: No. Max Unity, I think our babies just slept through the night for the first time ever!

Max: Looks like Fern's still asleep... Asher's awake, but chill. Aww, look, he's eating his foot! ... Would you mind getting him, and I'll get Fern in a bit? I need to write something in my anxiety thought record.

Lainey: Sure. I'll make us some breakfast - for about half an hour's time?

Max: Perfect! I love you.

...

Max: [writing] Situation - we woke up and realised the twins hadn't woken us up all night. Automatic thought - what if they've died in the night? Evidence for - it's all quiet. Evidence against - even though they haven't slept through before, it's more likely that that's what's happened, rather than that they've both died. Alternative thought - yes, it is quiet, but that doesn't mean they've died. I don't need to panic - I can calmly check the baby monitor, since that's what it's there for. When I did check the baby monitor, Asher was already awake and Fern was still asleep but I could see her breathing.

Max: ♫Cuz staying broken is easier than even admitting that anything is wrong. Yeah, confessing your sins is simple if you convince yourself you've got none. But how you ever gon fix your life if you hide behind a wall? How you gonna climb out if you're afraid of the fall?♫

Lainey: Sounding good, babe! Is that one of Jack's songs? Breakfast's ready, by the way!

Max: We'll get you fed, and your brother too, and then it will be party time!

Tiger got big!

Lainey's determined to get her pre-baby body back!

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Unity Prime, Day 87, Part 2

Lainey: How was counselling?

Max: Good. We talked a lot about my anxiety - Brittany reckons it's a hangover from not feeling safe when I was little, so my brain's working double time trying to keep me and everyone around me safe, and I'm stuck in a cycle of worrying making me feel better temporarily, which leads to me learning that worrying keeps people safe. Which sounds like total bull when you put it like that...

Lainey: But it seems to make sense in the moment.

Max: Yeah.

Max: We looked at sound grounding techniques too - things to bring me back into the here and now when I'm spiralling. Brittany said taking Tiger for a walk when I was freaking out about chicken pox a few days ago was like grounding me, but she taught me some stuff to try when I can't leave the house - stuff I can do when I'm holding a baby, even.

Lainey: What sort of stuff? - if you want to share, of course.

Max: Like naming five things I can see, four things I can feel, three things I can hear, two things I can smell, one thing I can taste. Some breathing things... even just walking around the house barefoot and feeling the different sensations of the different flooring types. I'm going to give all of it a shot - I don't want to be so anxious all the time, I want to be able to relax and enjoy our family.

Lainey: I'm so proud of you, Max. I know this last year hasn't been easy for you-

Max: It hasn't been easy for you either. I couldn't've got through it without you supporting me. I love you, Lain.

Joy was haunting tonight, floating around and checking up on everything, but scaring nobody.

Lainey: There now, that's better, isn't it?

Lainey: I can't believe they're one tomorrow! Where has all the time gone?

Max: It's mad.

Lainey: Still up for a little party tomorrow?

Max: Yeah. Do you mind sending out a reminder text about not coming if they're ill or feel ill? I feel like people are getting fed up of me fussing.

Lainey: They're not - I'm sure they get it - but I'll message if you want.

The last few plants are dead now. All Max can do is clear the way for Spring planting. He's never been a gardener, but he's not about to let Ivy's legacy down.

Lainey: Now, please stay asleep whilst I put you down in your crib...

Max: Are they asleep?

Lainey: Yep - both down, monitors on - let's get some sleep ourselves!

Max and Lainey are finding things a bit easier with Fern and Asher these days. They cry a little less, sleep a little longer... and how can it possibly be their birthday already?!

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Unity Prime, Day 87, Part 1

Brittany: So, how has this past week been for you?

Max: Okay, I guess.

Brittany: How's the anxiety, 0-10?

Max: Maybe... four? Five?

Brittany: That's good. And your energy levels?

Max: Better, I think... six? Most nights they sleep two decent blocks with a wake for a feed in the middle.

Brittany: That all sounds really positive.

Brittany: I want to focus on your anxiety in our session today. Talk me through a time when you felt anxious this week, and then we can unpick it.

Max: Okay... um... on Thursday, Asher felt hot when I picked him up from a nap. I took his temperature and it was a bit elevated. I started thinking about people who we'd been in contact with over the last few days... my sister mentioned there's been chicken pox going around her school recently and we have been around her so I started worrying about chicken pox. We're planning on getting the twins vaccinated but the doctor said they're not old enough yet. Asher was getting really fussy and I could feel myself panicking.

Brittany: What did you do then?

Max: I talked to Lainey... she was trying to reassure me, I think, but I wasn't really listening to her. In the end she told me to give Asher to her and take the dog for a walk. I think the walk helped calm me... then when I got back, Lainey showed me a new tooth Asher's been cutting - that's why he was fussy and a bit hot. I've still been checking both of them for spots when I get them dressed every morning, though, just to be sure.

Brittany: So your anxiety about chicken pox still hasn't gone away, even though you've found out he was cutting a tooth?

Max: Yeah.

Brittany: I want to talk you through something called the anxiety loop, which might help you with understanding why your brain is doing what it's doing when you feel anxious about Fern and Asher. So, first there's a trigger - what do you think the trigger was for you on Thursday?

Max: Um... Asher feeling hot.

Brittany: Yep. Then there's your interpretation of that trigger - "he must be sick - what if it's chicken pox?". Then the emotional reaction - you've already said a bit, but what was your emotional reaction when you picked Asher up and he felt hot?

Max: Panic. Fear. Dread.

Brittany: Absolutely. The next part of the loop is the behavioural response - what you do because you're anxious. For this situation, it sounds like you took his temperature, and you're still checking for spots. Then comes temporary relief "no spots - they seem fine now" and then reinforcement, where your brain learns that worrying and checking keeps them safe. This loop feels like it's helping-

Max: But it just makes me more anxious because I feel like when I worry, I'm keeping them safe.

Brittany: Exactly. It seems to me like your anxiety is your brain trying to keep everyone safe. And of course it's natural your brain is working overtime right now. You lost your mum, you've got two tiny humans who depend on you - of course it's scary. Your brain is just trying to protect you all the only way it knows how.

Max: I don't want to be anxious-

Brittany: I know you don't. But I wonder whether your anxiety is your brain trying to take control. Lots of things recently have been out of your control - the twins being born early and unwell, Ivy dying... and a lot of your childhood was out of your control, too.

Max: You can say that again!

Brittany: When you were little, your mum and dad weren't consistently there to protect you. You and Josh were left by yourselves. You developed hypervigilance to protect yourself, and Josh too. Now you're the dad and you're the protector, but your brain is still stuck in that hypervigilant state, thinking that if you worry enough, you can keep everyone safe. Does that make sense?

Max: Yeah... Yeah, it makes a lot of sense. So what can I do, then? How can I break this loop and not be so anxious?

Brittany: First of all, I want you to know that you're doing really well - you're a great dad-

Max: Doesn't feel like it, sometimes.

Brittany: I know. But sometimes you have to keep telling yourself something until you really believe it. I want to try a few things to help with the anxiety. Firstly, for the next week, I want you to try and keep anxiety thought record. I've got a template here, I thought we could complete it for the situation with Asher this week. Are you up for that?

Max: ... Sure.

Brittany: Great. The first column is for the situation.

Max: So... "When I picked Asher up from his nap, he felt hot".

Brittany: Perfect. Then you write your first, automatic though - the worry.

Max: "He's coming down with something - probably chicken pox."

Brittany: Then you write some evidence, for and against. This is where you can write down the things that are making you have this worry, but where you also force yourself to think about alternative explanations. So for this situation, evidence for would be things like chicken pox being around at the moment, Asher having not been vaccinated against it, the fact he had a temperature... But what could be evidence against this thought?

Max: Um... that there could be other explanations for a temperature - like having too many layers on, or wriggling around a lot, or teething.

Brittany: Good. Anything else?

Max: I guess we haven't actually been around anyone who's definitely got chicken pox? Even if my sister was in contact with someone who had it, she couldn't catch it because she had it as a kid.

Brittany: Absolutely. And then here in this last column, you write an alternative thought for yourself. What can you think instead of "he must have chicken pox"?

Max: ... I don't know...

Brittany: How about: "He might be a bit warm, but that doesn't mean he's seriously ill. It could be something minor like teething or having too many layers on. I can monitor him calmly and see how he is in a few hours - I don't need to panic right now."

Max: All that seems easy enough to say...

Brittany: I know. But by telling yourself those less anxious, realistic alternatives, you're slowly training your brain not to catastrophise. Do you think you can give this a try?

Max: Yeah, I'll try it.

Brittany: Brilliant. I also want to look at some grounding techniques that might help you in the moment when you're spiraling. Have you heard of grounding techniques before?

Max: I don't think so.

Brittany: Well, when your mind goes into overdrive, it can help to use your breathing or your senses to bring yourself back into the present. Taking the dog for a walk sounds like it did that job for you on Thursday, but sometimes it won't be possible for you to leave the house. Would you be open to learning some grounding techniques as an alternative?

Max: Yeah, sure.