Oh my god why the fuck did this turn into political commentary. Inspired by jacksfilms’ YIAY episode #184.
“Wanna play a game?”
Sephiroth eyes him warily. “If it’s anything like either of the games you suggested on the night the three of us got blackout drunk and I ended up getting fucked by one of the science department’s tentacle monsters, then no”
“Of course it’s not like any of those” Genesis says while rolling his eyes dramatically “It’s a game I just made up, meant to kill time and alleviate boredom. I call it ‘Things Shinra said’”
“Let me guess” Angeal sighs “We have to determine whether Shinra said something”
“You got it. I’ll read out a ‘quote’ to you, and you have to guess whether it’s an actual thing the President has said or whether it’s a conspiracy theory made up by the media”
“And we’re going to play this on a public train full of people who have no idea about ShinRa’s inner workings?” Sephiroth asks, sceptically arching an eyebrow.
“Precisely”
Sephiroth shares a look with Angeal, and then shrugs. “Sure, why not?”
~
Ten minutes later, the entire train car is staring at them as Genesis giggles his ass off, Angeal just keeps shaking his head, as he has been doing for the last fifteen minutes, and Sephiroth is halfway between laughing and crying.
“I can’t believe he said that” he murmurs, head in his hands “I cannot fucking believe he actually said that. For real. Seriously. In front of people. In an interview. How is something like that President of anything??”
“Because he had more money than the other idiots” Genesis tells him, still giggling.
Sephiroth turns to the other passengers with the most shellshocked expression either of his friends have ever seen on him. “Run” he tells the poor unsuspecting citizens “Run, while you still can. ShinRa sucks and is full of assholes”
“Fuck yeah!” some punk teenager yells “Fuck ShinRa! Burn them all!”
“You do realize you just started a revolution, right?” Genesis asks with a hint of concern.
Sephiroth makes a tsking noise. “You say that like it’s a bad thing”
So much funnier like this. I love sassy Jenova. First instance of me skipping the sex scene.
“Oh, come the fuck on” Cloud mumbles, staring down at his phone.
It’s the third time this week that Sephiroth shows up to cause havoc, and this time it is in Nibelheim of all places. Well, not exactly Nibelheim itself. More like in the general vicinity of the old reactor. But still, Cloud is the one who gets notified, and Cloud is the one expected to go and deal with the issue. And he’s getting pretty sick of it.
He calls Cid to get a lift on his friend’s new airship (because unfortunately his motorcycle can’t cross oceans, no matter how much he tries to make it possible), and prays to Gaia that Sephiroth will still be there when he arrives and he won’t have to chase him across half the planet again. Like he did last Friday. Instead of going to the movies with Tifa like originally planned. Which he is still pretty pissed about.
Today, however, luck is on his side, and when he stomps towards the half-dilapidated reactor, Sephiroth is waiting for him on the steps. Something that looks suspiciously like Jenova with even less limbs than before is propped up against the doorframe behind him. Sephiroth is obviously protective of it, which obviously means Cloud will end up having to destroy it.
“Good to see you, Cloud” Sephiroth sneers. He appears to be fond of this catchphrase and has greeted Cloud with it every single time he came back since Meteor Crisis several years ago, and apparently doesn’t get the hint that it stopped being intimidating after the third use.
Cloud doesn’t answer and draws his swords.
~
A fight of truly epic proportions ensues, which the author was unfortunately too lazy to write down. But there is lots of awesome one-liners and acrobatic jumping and the Power of Friendship helping Cloud not get his ass kicked. Promise.
Unfortunately, the Power of Friendship can only do so much, and so Aerith, Cloud’s second best dead friend and former healing specialist, decides to intervene from beyond the grave. She calls upon a super secret Cetra Magic Spell that was never mentioned before this very moment due to being super secret. It bursts from the sky in a blindingly bright beam of magic, instantly destroying every piece of flora and fauna it touches, and trapping Cloud, Sephiroth, and what is left of Jenova in its center.
After a few agonizing seconds of sheer light that will probably have some very nasty aftereffects on the eyes, it disappears again, and Cloud and Sephiroth are left standing in the middle of a zone of absolute destruction. It takes them a moment to collect themselves. Cloud tilts his head back and stares at the sky accusingly.
“Aerith, what the fuck?!”
“Umm…” comes the answer from the lifestream.
Sephiroth, who just a second ago was summoning thunderstorms and trying to slice Cloud to pieces, suddenly looks very lost. His eyes dart from the spot where the mummified remains of his ‘mother’ were situated just a few seconds earlier, to Cloud, and then to the clouds above that the magic spell had erupted from. “Where did she go?” he asks in an unusually small voice.
Cloud groans. “Aerith, please tell me you know where she went!”
“I… think I do? I mean, I can’t sense her presence anymore, but there’s really only one explanation for that, so…”
She is interrupted by Sephiroth, apparently over his moment of perplexity. “What did you do to my mother?!” he yells, and Cloud ducks just in time to avoid being turned into shashlik.
“I accidentally cast the wrong spell!” Aerith yells back “She got sent… uh, somewhere else. Kind of difficult to tell where exactly. I’ll figure it out. Please stop killing Cloud; I still need him for stuff”
Sephiroth hesitates, giving Cloud enough time to put some distance between himself and Masamune. The one-winged angel frowns, and looks up at the sky with an almost wistful expression. “What did you do to her, Cetra girl? Into what hell did you send my sweet mother?”
~
Wow, cold. Why the heck is it so cold? What happened to global warming?
…also, why can I feel cold?
She stirs slowly, getting a feel for the body she apparently has (??? what??) and taking in her surroundings.
Not Nibel mountains. Snow and lots of wind. Nothern Cave? Also, tribe people. That’s bad.
She’s surrounded by a bunch of Cetra (??????????? when did those stop being dead????) who are trying to multitask between threatening her with spears (yup, that usually helps against alien viruses) and whispering amongst themselves (do they realize she can hear them?). All in all, not the worst situation she’s ever been in. Not even the second worst one. She’d place it around the 200th place or something. One of the Cetra people steps forward and starts talking in one of their Northern dialects about how they have missed the sight of her, and how glad they are to welcome her back in their mid. She deems it better not to murder them all, and instead maybe get them to help her find out how the heck she got here.
I love how they still think ‘thing that takes on the forms of your dead relatives’ means ‘good’. This is exactly why you’re dead. Speaking of which, why are you not dead?
She doesn’t say that aloud though. Instead she lets the clueless (and most probably doomed) Cetra help her up and lead her to presumably one of their villages. She’s not really paying attention. Her mind is still aching with the acute loss of her connection with Sephiroth (ow ow ow) and the disorientation that comes when the personality you shared a mind with is gone, but the imprints it left on your personality are still there.
In his case those were a lot of thoughts involving penetration, and sarcasm. Bless him for sarcasm; I never knew I needed that so badly.
They have arrived at the village, where quickly a crowd of curious faces forms around them. A few children try to touch her hair, but are held back by what are presumably their parents, who stare at her suspiciously. Their survival instinct seems to be working better than that of the other Cetra, at least. Not that it’ll help them when she shows her true form.
~
She is led into a large building made of clay, which consists of only one single room with a fireplace in the middle and soft fur mats on the floor all around. In one corner of the room, on a huge pile of furs in all kinds of different colours and patterns, sits what at first glance looks like a woman.
At second glance…
Oh boy.
The villagers bow to the creature and take their leave, pulling the thick leather curtain that serves as a door shut behind them and leaving Jenova alone in the room with… herself.
Because she might have a lot on her mind and sometimes get things mixed up, but she sure as hell remembers what she looked like back in the day. And this is most definitely her.
I forgot how damn gorgeous I used to look without all those mutations.
Her past self lounges on her seat gracefully, her head tilted to the side and resting on one arm to give off an aura of effortless boredom. She eyes present Jenova up and down, taking in the appearance of some dead Cetra woman who has apparently had the audacity to come back to life. She sighs deeply.
“I don’t know who you are, but since you are resisting my attempts at penetrating your mental barriers and seeing how you managed to return… I guess we will have to do this the old fashioned way”
Present Jenova feels the corner of her mouth twitch at the mention of ‘penetrating’ her mind. Past Jenova frowns, obviously confused by the reaction.
Ah yes, you won’t be introduced to the concept of innuendoes for another 2000 years. I forgot.
Nonetheless, she steps forward with a not very subtle swing to her hips. She knows how to sex appeal. Or, well, she knows how to sex appeal around her son. Charming this sentient ice block of a creature will be a whole different challenge.
“I doubt what you’d find inside me would be of interest to you, but…” She opens her arms in a gesture of invitation “Feel free to try!”
Her counterpart arches an eyebrow, unimpressed. “If you thought seducing me was going to get you out of the trouble you’re currently in, then I am sad to inform you that you are sorely mistaken. Your human pleasures do not interest me”
Bitch please; I know where your clitoris is. That should spark your interest.
How very lucky she is that her past self can’t ‘penetrate’ her mind. If she could, Jenova would probably be in a lot of trouble right now. She can’t though, and so her counterpart remains clueless about the brilliant masterplan forming in her head, which mostly consists of “go down on her, get away, go back to own time”. She has no idea how to do the second and third one yet. The first one, however…
~
The air is loaded with static when she wakes up, having dozed off curled against her counterpart’s back. That one appears to be asleep. Jenova sits up, careful not to make any noise, and cocks her head to the side to listen to what’s happening around her.
That smells like time magic. Did the Cetra girl finally figure out how to control it properly?
She stretches her legs and makes to stand up.
The sudden grip of her past self is vicelike and decisive. “Do you really think that I’m just going to let you leave, after displaying such interesting skills? Not to mention a rather detailed knowledge of my body – the real one, the one I haven’t shown anyone?”
The static in the air has turned to crackling energy by now, growing brighter and brighter around them. This is definitely the same spell as the one used back at the Nibel reactor, where this whole mess started. And that means…
“I’m going to go with ‘yes’ for now” she tells past-Jenova, whose eyes widen in anger. She opens her mouth to speak, but the light beam hits before she can form the words.
~
Two thousand years later, she opens her eyes.
Holy shit I have eyes. And a body. And no clothes.
“Mother!!” a very familiar and sorely missed voice screams, and the next moment Sephiroth has thrown his arms around her, holding her close and at the same time shielding her naked form from a very confused looking Cloud Strife. “Don’t you dare look!” her son hisses.
Strife facepalms.
“Yay, it worked” the dead Cetra girl sings from the lifestream.
Jenova gets up, ignoring her son’s fierce protests, and stares up at the grey sky, presumably into the dead girl’s general direction. “Thank you kindly, Aerith Gainsborough” she says sweetly “How very nice of you to help me obtain a more suitable body than the old one”
There’s a moment of silence. Then the girl coughs awkwardly.
“Uh, yeah… sure. No problem”
“Aerith, what the fuck?!” Strife roars. He suddenly breaks into an outraged and very, very loud tirade about how he sacrificed everything for her, how dare she help the enemy, and so on. The Cetra listens for a bit, and then retaliates by pointing out that she was fucking killed by the enemy, thank you very much.
Jenova shakes her head, and grabs Sephiroth by the hand.
“Come on, we’re done here” she tells him, and leads him away, leaving Strife yelling at the sky while the sky points out his stupidity.
They walk in silence for a while. Jenova is amused to feel the effect her new body has on her son through their connection, and how uncomfortable it makes him.
Sarcasm and penetration. And bless him for both of those things.
He still hasn’t learned to shed the shame those silly humans taught him to feel though, and so once more it falls back on her to drag him down to the ground and make them one again. Her silly, weak, oh-so-human son. He looks lovely when he’s hers.
She cannot wait until this body is corrupted enough to grow tentacles.
This is a ‘song’ about tentacle porn and fandom life. I have no idea how I even did this, but I am very happy about my brain’s inexplicable sudden ability to rhyme and form coherent sentences at the same time.
Hello there, fellow fandom folks! Here’s a tip (quite overdue):
Never play FF7 with other people there with you
Because they might just ruin moments with their ‘commentary skill’
Even if there wasn’t that much mood available to kill
Stand before Synthesis-Jenova; you’re about to beat the game
When they proudly – and quite loudly – feel the need to exclaim:
“I’ve seen enough Hentai to know where this is going!”
Oh really? Have you now?
Well, in that case I’d like to see
Your cache and browser history
Just words won’t be enough to convince me you’re one of us!
Have you read the classics yet?
Have you stayed up late in bed?
Hour after hour, scouring the internet?
Are you one of us or do you want to join in our quest?
Or are you just here to laugh at us and try to be a pest?
Because if you are, then please fuck off. We don’t have time for you
We’re too busy reading, writing, drawing, doing what we do
And that would be the moment when their questions start to come
They demand some explanations for where that fandom rant came from
Horrified at your implications they are frozen to the spot
Ask uneasily why you’re doing this, and balk at your “Why not?”
You see, sometimes you don’t need reasons; sometimes it’s enough to know
That there are tentacles up Sephiroth’s ass (and down his throat)
That’s it! That’s all you need! I guess it only goes to show
That ‘safe for work’ is overrated - so you can gladly let it go
That kind of content’s also, incidentally, much harder to maintain
It’s easier to let yourself get swept up by the game
Down and down through the rabbithole, out on our ship to sea
Armed to the teeth with our kinks, whatever they may be
Lab accidents and malboros, Lost Number, Seph himself
Paired with Cloud or Zack or Genesis, or anybody else
Lifeform Hojo, Safer Sephiroth, beachplugs also get a pass
SquareSoft threw us a softball here with tentacles en masse
The Unknowns on the Gelnika, Dark Nation, maybe Aps
Bottomswell and Ruby Weapon, Bad Rap Sample, Gi Nattack
Every single boss form of Jenova, Sample H0512
I could go on, but you get the point: it’s more than just a few
Half of these might sound bizarre at first, but trust me - it’ll work
And after just a little while the weirdness turns into a quirk
Once you’ve passed this shining thresh hold, inhibitions disappear
I could sing a song about this. Ay, guess what I’m doing here! ;P
I was born and raised in fandom life, been here since I was young
Spent my teen years reading fanfic (and occasionally writing some)
Wasn’t good one, mind you, but whatever. That was not the point
I’m still here to have a good time - that was why back then I joined
Not much left that you can shock me with, ‘cause I have seen it all
And by now tentacles is one of those things I would call [nɔʁˈmaːl]
There are weirder things out there; you probably haven’t found them yet
Since you apparently still think this is the weird part of the internet
Let me spoiler you real quick on that: It isn’t – there is worse
Then again, the ‘worse’ is relative. And that’s the fandom curse
There always will be people who don’t like the things you do
The trick is not to listen to them, and continue pushing through
To write and draw and read and break every single taboo
And this is just the first one, the first of many steps to hell
It is paved with good intentions – and good porn. It’s pretty swell
To be honest, it’s the most pleasant road that you could ever walk
Full of pretty things to look at, people to whom you can talk
And the best thing is nobody knows if you’re doing it ‘right’
Cause it’s not like anybody has seriously tried (tentacles, that is)
So you can pretty much just do whatever, and get away with it
Cause when it comes down to it we all don’t know shit
About
This
And if you do, then please call me and teach me your secrets.
This all seemed so much better in my head, where I can hear the stressed syllables and the speed at which everything goes. So if anyone wants to try their hand at singing it (for whatever reason), hit me up. I can tell you what it sounded like in my brain.
The [nɔʁˈmaːl] in line 48 is the German pronounciation of “normal” - I had to somehow make the lines rhyme, and this was the only way xD
Me: I’m gonna translate-slash-rewrite a song from a German musical to fit Final Fantasy 7 and then record myself singing it for Day 1 of Crack Week!! It’s gonna be awesome!!!
Me: *enthusiastically translates and rewrites two German musical songs*
Me: *after already translating and rewriting two songs* Fuck I can’t sing
I was just trying to find two characters that have something in common, okay?
His eyes reflect the soft green glow that surrounds her in her specimen tank, giving him the look of one of her puppets even though he’s not. Not yet, anyway.
His mouth opens as if to say something, but no words come out. He is too lost in the sight of her, how otherworldly and strange and… beautiful.
Together we will sail the stars she promises him, and feels his happiness.
“Really?” he manages to say “Do you think we’ll be able to get ShinRa to properly fund the Space Program again?”
When the Reunion comes, we will not need ShinRa or their budget anymore. We will not need your puny airships and rockets. This planet will be all we need, and we will use it to go to space and sail the stars.
“To space…” Palmer repeats after her, smiling like the idiot he is.
Jenova can already feel a headache coming on.
That’s what I get for trusting Hojo to not blow up his perfect specimen in an attempt to prove that Sephiroth is fireproof. Whose fucking idea was that anyway?!
Palmer was the only member of Shinra to have survived the explosion due to having been shoved into a conveniently fireproof vending machine by Heidegger and a group of Third Class Soldiers shortly before it happened. Jenova had spent the two weeks it took him to travel from what remained of the Shinra Building to Nibelheim mentally facepalming to the point where it almost started physically hurting.
The moment I get this planet under my control and turn it into a vessel I’m ditching you she tells Palmer. In space. So you’ll die. Now get me out of this fucking tank or so help you Gaia. We have work to do~
Professor “I shall now spontaneously rewrite the entire second half of my speech in my head and find ways to say ‘specimen’ in as many sentences as possible just fucking WATCH ME” Hojo
ok so crack week is going to have two instances of me skipping the sex scene because my brain couldn’t do words, and one instance of me going “haha fuck you” and throwing the silliest tentacle porn i could come up with at the computer screen
