#fic essay

[posthocpaganda]

The first of a series of essays written as of chapter 69 of Post hoc ergo propter hoc. Beware spoilers!!

Alright let's start with the way Leo deals with hostility/positivity.

Have you noticed that he actually feels incredibly more at ease when he's dealing with someone hostile to him as opposed to someone trying to be affectionate/comforting towards him?

We have seen hints of this in the way he actually has a significantly more positive view on House than he does on Cameron. (Ignoring that time he managed to actually get under Leo's skin he smiles more and is amused at him, making jokes and banter while completely despising every interaction he has with Cameron). And the way he flinched away when Splinter tried to hug him. Part of this is also how in this chapter Cameron approaching him with concern almost earned her a knife to the throat. Leo *doesn't* panic (remember how with no hesitation went straight to do CPR on Donnie?) but the couple times we’ve seen him react harshly like this involve things like this. Completely innocuous gestures of concern/affection.

Compare that to the times he's going all ninja mode, showing that he's completely at ease then.

I want to make a lot more comments here about how he wants to treat everything like a combat situation and he's not the only turtle who feels at home in a fight but I think I will elaborate more on my Raph&Leo parallels essay.

As we’ve also seen he is thinking about how to fight the doctors constantly and feels significantly more comfortable when he can be the “leader” and loves to apply ninja logic to his day to day life even when it doesn't make too much sense. He does this to a… comical degree, trying to be a 24/7 ninja.

That's what was already written in the text. Now. Why the fuck does he act like this?

The answer is simple. He would die before acknowledging that he's vulnerable and, in the end, only a terrified, traumatised kid.

Why? Well, we’ve seen a reasons why in his chapter with Splinter but there's another primary key reason that he never wants to think about. EVER. (Which is why he wasn't sure what he was feeling, why his responses and emotions caught him off guard here) And that reason is that if he accepts that he's actually just a terrified, traumatised kid then he will have to deal with everything he has gone through as a that and not as a warrior.

The key characteristic of Leo in this fic is his detachment. He has this habit of divorcing his thought from the actual conversation he’s having, his body and his feelings from what's happening around him to run it through the “ninja” lense or takes a mental step back and leaves the leader front to deal with whatever he needs to do as we've seen.

For Leo there's safety in believing that everything he has gone through is part of what being a ninja and a warrior is, another form of detachment. That all the horrors are something necessary that he can deal with if he just “sucks it up” and uses his training. That he's doing a good and noble thing, sparing his family from that pain. This is normal ninja shit and he will apply his training to everything eagerly and happily. He's protecting his family by becoming the one who carries that burden. If he is disciplined enough, if he tries as hard as he can then he will get over it. Not because he wants to but because he *has* to. Yes, he believes he is weak and wants to seem “stronger” in front of his family but that's because he falls short of his wanted goal, something he feels he has to reach. So it's true that he will rather fight the shredder barehanded than receive a hug from his family because the more he needs that hug the more his front crumbles and the closer he is to having to acknowledge that in the end he is just a hurt, scared kid and if that's the truth… then he would have to deal with all the pain and suffering as the hurt kid he is instead of the warrior he pretends to be and that could hurt his family, yes. But… It would break Leo.

Masks and detachment every day, constantly. A routine and a defence mechanism to protect himself. He's a ninja so this is how things are. He *has* to be a strong ninja. For his family and because if he's not then… then what happened (and continues to happen) is more real, it's *so much worse*.

Yes, he does admit that in the end he can be vulnerable and a kid in his inner monologue while conversing with Splinter but we see how he has been slowly detaching himself from that last bastion of support he still has.

When he thinks about confessing to his father that he doesn't know what he's doing he makes a reference and how he is not the clan heir he should be (which btw is something that he doesn't even admit in the end because again, he's slowly letting that last pillar of support go in an attempt to protect his family from his own perceived brokenness/weakness). The clan heir thing, the leader and ninja obsession is his alternative, an escape from the scared kid Leo doesn’t want to be. What he expresses there is that he's ashamed he hasn't managed to completely reach this ideal yet, what he's pursuing. He's constantly fleeing from the fact that he's actually a kid, that he can't just run away from that.

But that's what he tries. CONSTANTLY.

The best part of this is that you won't ever see him thinking about this that much because he absolutely refuses to recognize it. If he acknowledges those thoughts as something he has to constantly avoid it would be too much for him.

Add to that the fact that his family can't know he has flaws, can't be worried about him or realise that he's not perfect because then they'd KNOW and Leo can't have that because he is obsessed with the front he manages to portray towards his family so getting that secret sore spot while his brother was present was a critical hit and we end up with the spectacular fiasco that was chapter 69 (nice).

What happens here is pretty simple. Cameron treating him like a child made him start feeling like he wasn't in control of the situation and she was attacking the base foundation of his coping mechanisms *while Mikey is there watching* and he becomes pissed while being terrified of the vulnerability we’ve discussed before because he can't be just a child. He's NOT. He can't admit it to himself but he especially can't show that in front of his brother. But the more he tried to get that control back the worse things got until he couldn't stand it anymore and had to do *something* to show her she was wrong and made everything go horribly regarding his interactions with everyone else.

He tried to do this in different ways before escalating to knife warning shots but it wasn't working so he had to go bigger, more obvious, more dangerous, more hostile.

First behaving like the responsible leader which… didn't work. So he graduated to do slightly reckless knife moves to show that he was perfectly capable of handling weapons (which isn't really mature or a good reaction but there's a lot of stress accumulated at this point and nobody stopped him) and didn't need coddling. Unfortunately for him the doctors know shit about ninja stuff so that didn't work either. He tried another practical demonstration after Mikey started to look worried but that didn't work either.

Then Cameron just had to dig in the wound he had after that conversation with his dad and everything spiralled out of control.

And then the worry is replaced with hostility… and everything is fine once again. He did it. He proved himself.

(Not really fine, as we’ve seen in the last scene but the triumph and the relief are there)

The fact that Mikey is pissed instead of worried is a win in his book because he isn't being seen as vulnerable anymore which is… super sad but it's how it is.

Crisis averted. See? He's not a scared kid. He's a leader. He's being an asshole and his brothers are angry at him. That's better than being a broken, terrified child and a regular occurrence. He will be an ass to his brothers on purpose when he goes on the defensive.

Make it familiar. Make it something he can deal with, a ninja mission and then everything will be okay in his mind.

He doesn't have the breakdown when Donnie is dying. No, that's an emergency so he can act there, he can deal with it, he can be the leader for them at that moment.

He has a breakdown when things are starting to get peaceful. When he is supposed to be a kid.

Also extra information.

He is blind to half his emotions and reactions here because… it wouldn't make sense to be scared/angry so he's not scared/angry and manages to denial himself into believing this half the time. Come on. That's just a human non combatant!!! He is so much better than this! He's dealt with actually dangerous things. He has a good grip of his emotions. That can't be happening! Which means it's not happening. Case closed. We had a little preview of this in the dinner chapter (towards Cameron again) a negative emotion he doesn't find logical so he avoids it and buries it.

[posthocpaganda]

The second essay written as of chapter 69 of Post hoc ergo propter hoc. This one is about *drumroll* Leo and Raph parallels!!

Let's talk about Leo and Raph

One of the first things that's probably apparent in this chapter is the stark contrast between Leo's breakdown in this chapter and Raph's breakdown in the one at fault/the mirror.

If you look at the title it's pretty obvious I wanted to draw a relation there hahahaha and for good reason. The mirror was titled this way both because of the mirror that shows up there and as a reference to Raph and Leo's relationship and in this chapter we’re seeing the other side of the reflection.

Now there's a few writing choices that are apparent if you read both. Raph's rage is represented by “hot” (fire magma etc) metaphors while Leo’s is represented by “cold” (ice). The way Raph runs away when he sees he is starting to crumble while Leo *pushes* everyone away instead.

The thing is that a lot (obviously not all) of the problems both of them have are the same or similar but they experience and approach them in completely opposite ways.

There's the feeling of inadequacy that Raph deals with by going “okay you think I am not enough so I am going to embrace that fuck you I am going to show you how bad/mean/angry I can be and not cooperate” while Leo goes “nonono please don't think I am not enough I can do it I can be better let me prove it”

This is a good way to show the reason why they clash so much. They understand each other in a very deep very genuine level but the way they deal with their problems is the complete opposite so they don't understand each other's way of acting and it makes them butt heads sometimes because in Raph's head Leo is just bragging about how good he is and showing that he's perfect and Raph will never measure up to him while Leo on the other hand can't understand why Raph doesn't try harder and in his point of view doesn't even care.

Obviously they get along super well in this au I am not saying they aren't. This is just a high stress situation and because of that there's going to be some conflict and this is the root of the one Leo and Raph have and a good example to analyse their parallels.

Another thing I mentioned in my last essay is how both of them deal with conflict.

They are the most combat oriented turtles, the two that enjoy the “ninja” life the most and that if they weren't in danger would still probably go around doing the ninja thing and enjoy a good brawl.

Now there's times when they approach this in a healthy way (friendly competition/sparring) but I am going to focus on the bad coping mechanism aspect of it.

They both just find fighting by itself fun. BUT there's also a key difference there.

Raph goes around looking for fights, trying to provoque conflict everywhere he goes because that's where he is more comfortable, where he can just push his rage out in a way he enjoys.

Leo treats the world like a battlefield instead. Where he can play the role of leader and strategist.

It may sound similar but it's absolutely not the same I swear and it has to do with the role they put themselves into and the way of approaching their problems I talked about before.

Raph usually takes a more “antagonistic” role while Leo goes for the perceived moral high ground. (Leo also sometimes antagonises his brothers on purpose but it all comes from the ‘I am the leader and what I say goes fuck you’ so it’s not the same thing Raph does)

Let's put a more concrete example. Both Raph and Leo are running around the city looking for a fight against a group of thugs to defend some civilians.

Raph decides that he's going to show those guys who’s the scary one here and prove it by beating them up.

What Leo does is become the classic superhero.

Both of them want to defend the civilians. Both of them are kids just coping and in the end do the same thing but they just fundamentally go for opposite roles because of the way they deal with their problems.

And it frustrates them both to no end because they just *understand* each other but they don't understand each other.

Now it's just a matter of looking at those chapters again. The parallels are there. The same people involved in Raph's breakdown are there too with Mikey and the doctors first and then Leo/Raph coming in later.

Poor Raph did try here. After the conversation he had with both Mikey and House he is trying his best but he had the bad luck of showing up too soon compared to Leo in “The mirror” so he wasn't able to do much because of the timing.

Leo arrived when Raph was mostly calm again while Raph did just before Leo was about to explode and that's the reason why we didn't have the reconciliation this time. Also Raph had the advantage of being able to process his rage a lot better than his older brother since Leo prefers to ignore it and deny it exists which doesn't help anything while Raph is more able to openly embrace his own feelings.

Not that what Raph did was healthy at all, he did hurt himself after all, but he came out of his breakdown a lot better than Leo did since he was able to take everything out while Leo just… did that.

Basically Raph sees Leo and sees himself through a fun house mirror but when he tries to reach out he gets smacked down because Leo is absolutely not in the mood thank you very much and that stings because he thought they connected and he wants to help Leo like Leo helped him.

Poor Raph will never fully grasp just how SIGNIFICANT it was that Leo admitted to being “a bit tired”. You guys know since you're aware of Leo's inner monologue and his inability to admit weakness to his family. Hell, he gave Raph a lot more than he gave Splinter!

Raph also doesn't know how important the role he is playing in the story is (he doesn't know. Y’all don't know but he has unknowingly singlehandedly carried the happy ending tag preventing a mayor, horrible, unfixable fuckup two? Three? times this far and this has nothing to do with what happened with the lab or anything. This is major plot stuff that's been going on in the background) while Leo feels the weight of the narrative over his shoulders constantly but… I will elaborate on that more when the fic is done and I won't be spoiling anything. Just another fun little contrast!!

And that's basically it! Leo and Raph are the same but also opposites and get along like a house on fire but also fight constantly.

[anxious-mess19]

This is a appreciation post for @fangirlwriting-stories 's writing/chartherization

The fics in question are, specifically, "Protector" and "By any other name", but it is a recurring theme in her writing. Clearly, we highly raccomend all of their fanfics.

Spoilers for both fics below the cut

Tws for mentions of tourture and heavy angst/whump

Different ways to cope with trauma

Virgil, in both stories, deals with his own trauma by making it secondary and instead making it a priority to help others

This is to the extreme in "Protector", where he ignores his trauma responses in favor of attempting to "manipulate" the others into letting Remus stay by getting close to them.

He's still visibly affected by trauma in a multitude of ways (Food hoarding, expecting Roman to beat him, his general view of the situation and other sides), especially in small, everyday, things, which are a direct result of how fucked up the life he had to lead previously was.

But he doesn't aknowlage said trauma, instead reverting his own responses to think about how Remus must be feeling, one could even argue that he's not properly out of survival mode, even if he insists he's fine, bc he's in a (physically) safer environment.

What particularly captivated us in the depiction, is how Virgil says himself that he's only physically safer, and how the writing shows the process of him coming to terms with first that safety, and secondly how it is not full. He expects it, but still has to process it.

His trauma ended up making him hiperaware of people's moods, which led to him realizing the little things about the light sides that got him closer to them.

He pushed down his own reactions to help, and then ultimately sacrificed all of it for Remus, due to the fragile stability of his repression being smashed and wrecked by Remus being tourtured so.

Anxiety in "By any other name", doesn't have someone to hook on. And he's, instead, desperate for that connection. He still ends up pressing down his issues in favor of helping others, and the phantom feeling from the stolen memories do help the connection, but he's alot more withdrawn in his own trauma, even if the others do not notice it.

The writing explores two similar trauma based reactions and the same need to help others, but the diffrence of having a "Hook" to hang onto changes their attitudes and actions drastically.

They both snap and end up hurting others in a attempt to achieve a personal goal, but in Protector Virgil willingly makes himself a villain to push Janus over the edge and allow Remus to stay, while in By any other name Anxiety doesn't have a hook, spirals and decides to go back to It.

The two situations have so many diffrent factors, even if they have plenty core similarities.

They both throw away safety because they perceive that safety to be too conditional. For Anxiety, that conditional is personal, being used, while for Virgil the conditional is because Remus being hurt is unacceptable.

They both feel a sense of betrayal, too.

Remus is portrayed vastly diffrently, mainly because he deals with his own hurt (and Virgils) in Protector, and he deals with it by hironizing but shutting down in survival mode, and them by healthily using art therapy to revive the memories in a safe manner (as by Virgils prompting)

Instead, in By any other name, he deals with the grief by showing it as far doen as possible, acting peppy and ready to take on anything, to hide the true hurt he feels inside.

Both rappresentations don't belive they have a right to feeling like this, one because he's safe now, and the other because he wasn't the cloestest to Virgil,so he wasn't the most impacted.

Both of them are subtly suffering, and willing to keep suffering of it means benefit to their loved ones.

People who have hurt and moving on

Another huge part that hit me from Fangirl's writing, was how it approached aknowlagment of hurt. Specifically, how to move past it, even without forgiveness.

Specifically in Protector, Virgil struggles with his feelings towards Janus.

He starts outright hating his guts, justifiably so, but as the fic goes on, he slowly considers the other's Pov and motives more and more. But the real bueaty in this potryal, is that while it humanizes Janus and his actions, instead of demonizing them. It does not make them justifiable. It still allows Virgil to dislike Janus and to despise having to accept his apology. It validates his experiences and doesn't write them off because the hurt wasn't intentional. And it allows Virgil to come to terms with it, and to decide to not forgive Janus, while still caring about him.

This takes Virgil the whole fic it's a hard and faught process, and it is shown beautifully.

The clear contrast to this, is Remus, who instead decides to keep hating Janus.

Neither of them is inherently right or wrong, and thats the beauty of it.

We can see how the other sides deal with this type of issue, too. Specifically focusing on after the Virgils tourture towards the end.

Patton is still hurt, but he apologizes, and Virgil validates his feelings. He takes responsibility for hurting him, even if he was lying.

Diffrent opinions can coexist

One of my very favorite moments of Protector was the conversation Remus and Virgil have about Janus

They have vastly diffrent and conflicting opinions on the other side, Virgil is hurt, and allows himself to be hurt, but he doesn't have the energy to hate anymore. He is tired, and he simply wants care for his old friend, even if he does not forgive him.

Remus, in clear contrast, still hates Janus and he sees himself always hating him.

Neither can understand the other's prospective, but they promise to have this conversation as many times as necessary to keep their relationship stable.

It's truly a beautiful exemple of healthy communication, and it was written to show the little nuances of the charthers as their prospectives. They might not see eye to eye, but they love and respect eachother.

Challenging amanormativity

In "By any other name", specifically, Remus struggles with his closeness to Janus and Virgil. He struggles with allowing himself to stay close to them, even as their best friend, because they're lovers. They're married, therefore he should be second place, right?

But thag is not the case. Even if the pull was weak when Virgil was Anxiety, Remus was not excluded. They weren't a duo +1, they were a trio. And similarly when Virgil got his memories back.

There wasn't a feeling of the married couples coming first, and the others second. The love was there, but it wasn't hierarchical. Affection could "Flow" freely between people.

Even outside the trio, it's shown with how Roman and Logan apologize, because they cut Patton out. They get called out on it by Anxiety early on, because even if they're a couple, it doesn't make Patton secondary. And they quickly realize their mistake and rectify it.

Overall, the fics are awsome, and so is the writer

[salixlikescake]

November Reading List (1 of 2); Leaving places and looking back

Swing My Heart Across the Line by muir_wolf (9,000 words)

You Don’t Have to Be Constrained by muir_wolf (2,100 words)

Denver by pleasebekidding (5,739 words)

House arrest, lite by pleasebekidding (9,764 words)

Try the Brittle by gale (6,556 words)

floriography by gale (10,611 words)

A Strange New Story Every Time by gyzym (19,522 words)

Three Emails Sent Across Continents (And Possibly Five Text Messages) by Care (1,713 words)

(Total word count: 65,005)

Let’s start with the VMars stories. Both are focused on LoVe, one post movie, and one au after the show. Neither attempt to tackle a case mystery, and that’s probably why I like them. As I recall, cases made or broke fics, the quality of the fic is determined by the quality of the mystery and they can be so hard to do. It’s already been a few weeks since I read them, and the thing that is freshest in my mind is that Logan changes his last name to Lester. Interesting choice.

I’ve been doing a TVD rewatch, and “House Arrest, Lite” happens to take place in the exact time frame that I was at in the show. When I watched originally, I was more focused on the het pairings, Klaus and Caroline most specifically. Bonnie and Damon closely following. But you can’t deny the intense friendship that Damon and Alaric have, and the pairing comes across as surprisingly natural in fics. “Try the Brittle” and it’s sequel captures their voices so well.

I’m going through old Shenelope stories. (That’s my favorite pairing name for them, and I’ll use even if no one else does! It sort of implies that the fiction gives more backstory to Penny than the show ever did by making her full first name Penelope, which is accurate. The poor girl had to marry a guy just to get a canon last name, shameful.) Surprisingly, I don’t think I ever read “Swing My Heart Across the Line” before, and I really enjoyed it. It brings a nice bit of supernatural with the body swapping, and gives a nice peek at what they were like when they were younger.