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The end.

This is it. I decided to write the final point on this matter. The idea of writing something like an essay about this experience, telling my story and analyzing it, as a way to make my brain understand that this is in the past and it should stay there, felt like a good one. I’ve been trying to close this cycle for a long long time and my brain, mostly the sub and unconscious parts of it, has been resisting it.

When talking about the present I will choose my words carefully, when talking about the past i’ll try not to give it too much of a thought at first so I can analyze the purest expression of how I experienced this and what I say to myself and the world when I tell my story. Story that I really really need to tell.

I see this story now, before telling it from beginning to end (IT’S A LONG ONE, years long), as story about love, hope, expectations, spirituality, heartbreak, loss, sadness and self-awareness.

I shall give you context: I’m a bisexual cis witch, today is 16/6/20 and I’m 20 years old. My age matches the year, my birthday is on December. I’m from the southern hemisphere. I went to a high school that had 6 years, you enter at 12/13 years old and leave at 18/19 years old. A good school academically, I had my disagreements with some of their rules and opinions, but I don’t regret choosing that one at all. It had something that we shall call “workshop”, the school itself had 11 but when you started your journey you had to choose one path to walk all those 6 years. What I did in the workshop is irrelevant to the story, but the workshop itself is key, I spent A LOT of time in there and you’ll probably get sick of reading the word. The year was divided in 3 trimesters. That was my life at the time, it revolved around the workshop, my subjects in school revolved around it as well. You also have to know that this made the experience a very dynamic one, you’ll see how. Also, the higher the year the later you go to this school. By 6th year this was night school, I literally got home by 10.30 PM. The workshop itself was huge and had lots of sections in it. Each year the student goes through 2 or 3 sections (depends on the year). I shall make you a map. There is LOTS of people involved. Also I’m a dancer.

This story starts in 2013, my first year of High School, I can’t really remember the month, my guess is near winter, by now I already changed my friends like two or three times, I’m forming my first group of friends in this place. I was a different person at that moment of time, I was a full on directioner lol. My class had 30 people, this first year of workshop the teachers divide the group in 2 so each group spends half of each trimester in each of the two 1st year’s sections of the workshop (sorry I know is complicated re-read that as much as you need). This sections were D and E. If I wasn’t working at D I was reading, I love to read and at E that wasn’t possible.

So there I was, sitting on my desk at D, working when this boy enters the classroom and start’s speaking to the D teacher, that we shall call Dom, reporting the finished work and asking about the next task. When he leaves my friends and I start asking Dom about this boy, he was quite handsome and seemed like a cool person, we asked why he was here and who he was. Dom explained that his name was Bobby and that when a student reaches 5th year they can work for the school’s workshop and earn some money, that was what he was doing. With time Bobby started to come more to our classroom, mostly reaching the end of my class, which btw was a long one, all morning literally. Those visits became kind of like a routine and at some point my friend group and I started talking to him. I don’t really remember what we talked all bout exactly. I do remember us girls giving him an annoying nickname to tease him and they, Dom and Bobby, told us that they were father and son to tease us. Of course at first we bought it until we didn’t. All of it was quite playful, I remember having quite some laughs with them. At some point in all of this we became facebook friends, by then I already had a huge crush on him. So we started chatting, I am almost completely sure I started the first conversation, I don’t remember how or when, I know we exchanged numbers at some point. I remember our whatsapp conversations, we got to know a little bit of each other. I liked him because he was smart, he was very much himself, I remember admiring how confident he was. I remember how I liked the fact that he was bilingual as well, and I even thought I had something to impress him with, of course when I tried to, it didn’t go well but he taught me something about being arrogant, and for that I’m thankful. He had a girlfriend, something that I kind of didn’t like but didn’t mind too much either. I wasn’t stupid, I knew he wasn’t going to reciprocate, I looked like a little kid and I knew it. I wasn’t that confident in my skin, I wasn’t too much myself. And I was 13 when he was 17, there was no way. At the moment I wanted him to at least notice me, which he did, he was kind to me. I helped him through some trouble with his girlfriend, he would ask my opinion on some matters, as a girl. I remember thinking “better some kind of friendship than nothing”. I chose to keep in touch. “Bad idea” is what I thought just now when writing this. I fell deeper and deeper, I remember once he asked if I fancied someone, I said yes but didn’t want to tell him who it was, he insisted and I told him his second name as if it were someone else, I don’t know if he caught what I did there. Of course we stopped chatting at some point. I got tired of always starting the conversation. And he never did, I decided to let it go. I remember the turning point. It was a rainy day, and a special one, there was this show at school. He was going to be there, I didn’t see him that much in school, only in the workshop. So special occasion, in my mind I pictured how he could come and say hi. He ignored me, of course, and I didn’t like it. My expectations weren’t met, it hurt, I decided this was doing me no good. Here enters the scene his bff, who we shall call Fred. So Fred doesn’t matter HOW I met him, what’s important is that he was hot and I crushed quickly. When someone told me this two were friends I asked Bobby about his friend. Then chatted with Fred for a while and then stopped. Not only because a girl in my class, who we shall call Bree, told me she saw him first, also because I lost interest.

I remember chatting with one of his classmates too, what I don’t remember is if he liked that or not. I think I have a visual memory of Bobby saying that he wasn’t fond of this guy. This guy still likes my ig photos.

2014 now, second year starts, we didn’t talk anymore and I was ok with it. I hadn’t seen him in months, so I didn’t care. By now I have Twitter and Instagram and we followed each other. There are three or four things important about this year for this story. 1st I changed a lot, I already had had my first girlfriend, even tho I didn’t identify as bisexual just yet, that was my first awakening. 2nd Bobby was still working at the workshop, the funny thing is that HE and Dom would be in the CD classroom when I got to that instance. He would sit right where I could see him, right near me, we would say a polite “hi” and that’s it. By now the shame started, I couldn’t look at him in the face without going full on red like a tomato. I was literally ashamed of my feelings. I felt vulnerable, like he could see right through me, that everyone knew I fancied him. I had to see him EVERY workshop day. It was kind of driving me a little nuts. But mostly I was crushing on someone else, more like falling actually. 3rd I met my bff, well I had already met her, it’s Bree (I know weird plot twist), but this is the year when we became best friends. It all started with Skins and we ended up talking about our unrequited loves while doing homework all night, she talked about Fred and I talked about this other guy who has his own ancient text written on this tumblr. 4th I started smoking weed and partying.

Through Bree I learnt a lot about Bobby because he and Fred where bffs since they were kids, so Bree had quite some interactions with him as well in that first year I got to know a whole other aspect of him through my friend, I liked him. 2014 ends with an important trip to Mexico. Trips change people. Plus I turned 15, for my birthday my dad gave me Looking for Alaska, my favorite book. Oh also, this is the year Bobby graduates!

2015, this year starts in that trip literally. When I came back I felt different, felt like I was growing up into someone I liked. When I get back in school, which was later than usual bc I had another trip in March. You guessed it, or you did not but, Disney. So I’m back home, feeling good, back to school thinking how great it is, that he’s gone. I remember being happy because I wouldn’t have to see him, I was free. Until I hear the news: Bobby is the new teacher of the workshop we were on. So of course now things got weird (bare with me guys it gets worst). Now I wasn’t just insanely crushing for an older guy, now he was a teacher, too many layers of ILLEGAL. This meant a lot of things, the one that first came to mind was “I’ll have to see him EVERY WORKSHOP DAY of at least this year”- let’s keep in mind that by 5th year I was practically in night school then I realized he was going to be on my graduation ceremony with the rest of the teachers. Basically I literally HAD to see him luckily at least once each year. That year I walked into the workshop every morning to go to class and walk right past his classroom- the classroom didn’t had walls, had like huge windows, so teachers could easily know what was going on in there- if not right past him. I did have to past right past his classroom time I needed to go to the bathroom. The thing is that I hated that and I also loved that. The fact that he would have to see me gracefully pass by to go to the bathroom. Alternatively by June I was already in a relationship with that other guy mentioned above and later that year falling for ANOTHER guy- busy girl lol- this is not really TOO important I believe, just to let you know that Bobby wasn’t my only “focus”, I had other stuff going down in my life. The important stuff is that this year Fred graduated, reaching the end of the year he had his class “prom” to which Bree and I attended, by ourselves. Well, he went to her doorstep to give her the tickets SO there was no excuse. I don’t remember worrying for the sight of him, I was too busy being terrified of just going there by ourselves. Once in I felt good, I don’t know why I don’t remember being aware that he could BE there, I remember when Bree said “Dew, don’t look, Bobby is there” and I just freaked out a little bit -here you don’t wear a dress to prom, you wear what you would wear to go to out dancing to a club -yes I looked stunning but alsO like I was a little too young to wear that. Nothing happened other than he seeing me walk by, the thing is I remember he watching me walk by. I saw him too at the end of the year at the workshops open classes I don’t remember him even looking at me.

Ok so, around this time (later 2015, 2016 and 2017) we had several interactions because I would sometimes “work” for the workshop at expos and stuff, almost always in the morning shift, so we HAD to at least say “hi” and be there within the conversation with the rest of the group. I don’t remember exactly what we all talked about. I remember feeling super awkward, mostly kind of uncomfortable and weirdly exited? mostly within the first year, then I grew in confidence. At some point I stopped getting all red and just felt a little tense.

2016 was a shitty year. Nothing that had to do with Bobby really, actually at the end of the year he liked something I posted on ig for the first time. Seem’s dumb but I actually feel like it’s not. I don’t care about likes what calls my attention is that he rarely ever likes my ig posts. And before this year he never EVER did hit that like button. This was the first, it was a “special” post, like just back home from a trip, looking like shit but with an accomplishment. He didn’t make it to the supercut of this year apparently. This is the only memory involving him of this year. (As mentioned above I did probably see him in one of those weird occasions but I can’t fully place it within the year).

2017 was quite a cool year, even though I believe this was the year of a not so cool encounter with this man (If I’m mistaken then it was in 2018). I was at the cafeteria of the school buying coffee, which you order at the “teacher’s side” of the ordering area, when he suddenly appears to my right and says “good morning” to which I answered something I can’t remember, basically being polite to which he said “I wasn’t talking to you”. I think I told him “fuck off” or something like that and he told me “You aren’t even suppose to order on this side”, I don’t remember which came first. I remember my coffee arriving and the moment passing, me leaving with my order. I remember the rage I felt, how angry at him I was for being so mean to me with literally no reason to. Then I remember feeling bad for answering that way since he IS a teacher but then I realized he didn’t really have any sort of authority above me, he never was or would be MY teacher.

2018 my last year, this is where Fase 2 starts. First of all I’m openly bisexual by now, I had a girlfriend most of this year. And Bobby was more present than EVER. He would stay after teacher meetings and just be around the workshop. And walk by where I was once or twice. Two very neat memories are: being in class and suddenly out of instinct feeling like I have to watch my back, doing so and seeing him looking at me, and being in class with just sitting down for a sec resting (we were standing up most of the time by now, we worked a lot) he coming to where my group was and exchanging a greeting and some small talk with my teacher, I was looking at my notes at that moment being aware of his presence of course and playing a little koi, then I look up and our eyes meet for literally 2 seconds, I never felt such a strong connection and feeling than at that brief moment. I swear it felt otherworldly, like we just knew. I don’t know if this happened before or after my trip. By my graduation class trip my relationship was almost dead, it ended once I was back. That gave to the ending of my last high school year a bittersweet taste, a very strong one. Reaching the end of the year social media interactions grew from none to some. Gaining momentum around the time of my graduation party. Now that’s where the most important stuff starts. He already had hinted that he would attend to it. I tweeted that I wanted EVERYONE there because we were working a lot for that party to be the coolest lol, he liked that tweet. SO there I was “backstage” all changed up with my class, drinking and having fun before our great entrance. People were going to start to arrive in like an hour or so, this was out time and moment to get wasted. I’m already dizzy when I go to the bathroom, head out back to the room where we all were and cross paths in the entrance to the bathroom first with Bobby then with Fred, I turn my head to look at them like wtf Fred says “hi” and they enter the bathroom and I our room. All of this in a matter of seconds, while walking out of the bathroom. Also this room was upstairs, VIP section, the guests weren’t even in the door yet. I DON’T KNOW HOW THEY GOT IN, but there they were, the first thing I did is give Bree a head’s up of course. Then they asked for VIP passes, we had two per head to give away, another friend of mine (Chad) that got along with Bobby came and asked for one of mine. I resisted till he came back after asking around and said like “PLEASE plus ;) you get to say hi” SO I ended up going there, then he asked for one for Fred, so I went with some friends and told them to tell me NO with their heads lol so then I could go to Bree and tell her to go and give one of hers to Fred, she said “No fucking way I’m going over there, I can spare one but you go” so I did. They glanced at us multiple times. Once our great entrance ended and I got down of the stage and into the crowd to have fun and say hi, the first people I encounter are some childhood friends and right next to them my high school friends and on the other side Bobby and his friends right at the bar. So I hugged my friends with all this guys looking at us once finished of course I went to the bar to get more alcohol. There is this custom here to stick some “free passes” on the bathrooms so you can grab one and get a kiss from your chosen graduated student. This guys had one, one that was taken from the VIP bathroom... to which only Bobby and Fred had access to. So one of them who I don’t even know who the fuck is lol wanted his kiss I remember saying like “I literally JUST got off the stage gosh chill” to which BOBBY said “well a free pass is a free pass” and just for that, just because it bother me that he apparently didn’t mind me eating his friend’s face or on the contrary, he liked seeing me kissing someone, I ended up kissing that man. Once it ended I asked for my drink and off I went to see other people. I kissed several people that night, at some point I found myself back with their friend group talking with Bobby for a while, small talk and then with Fred about how to get girls LOL when suddenly this sentence takes form in my mind “you know what would be cool? if your friend fancied me” after giving it three seconds of thinking, which being drunk as fuck and in the middle of the window in the conversation for that specific sentence was a lot of thinking, I said it. Fred said “which friend????” “Which one do you guess??” and then he pointed at the one who I kissed before I said no, and now he pointed at Bobby to which I answered with just a look. Fred goes to him, says something I don’t hear, and Bobby comes and says “come with Bree over there”. My first thought was FUCK I GOTTA FIND HER I look to the left and there she was, almost by art of magick. So I go and grab her hand and tell her to PLEASE come with me. Once we get where they were Bree and Fred sat together and started talking and then suddenly kissing. Bobby and I just looked at each other and then started talking. At some point I said I never thought he would actually come or at least agree to this “conversation”, he said “why not?” and I said that I just never saw it coming that way and he said “well I had my hands quite tied, didn’t I?” or something similar. At some point I just got really near him and asked “yes or no?” “to what?” I moved closer, “yes or no?” he said “I don’t know” and I said “yes or no?” and he said “you can’t tell ANYONE” and I said “OBVIOUSLY, I’m not going to make you lose your job” and he said “well then yes”. And we kissed. WE KISSED. Not for too long, once we stopped I told him I never thought he would say yes he said “what made you think that way?” and I said he never ever showed me any indicative of this he said “I never thought you would even want this, I thought you were on the other team now” I explained I was bisexual, we talked a little bit about our lives, at some point he started saying in many ways that he’s waiting for my graduation, that we should go out together, he also told me how he didn’t have to go to the workshop the next day, that he had another job too, and multiple flirtations e.g. “If you wanted me to give you your diploma you just have to ask, it’s not like I can ask for that”. Then we went to the VIP, where I got near and he said there was someone over there who could see us so gained my distance. After that a friend called Bree and I for something and they got away. Anyway the party was about to end. We went to the afterparty at Bree’s house with some friends. Went to sleep at 11 AM. Woke up at 5 PM smoked a joint with the squad and then to school, to the workshop. All the way there I just couldn’t stop talking about how AMAZING it all was. I walk in with Bree and my male bff Jay, with one foot in Jay says “omg don’t die” I look up and there he fucking was. Bobby, walking into the CD classroom, and if my mind is not betraying me, he was smiling. I just kept on walking and had a little nervous breakdown out of sight. Went back said “Hi” to everyone including him, we exchanged looks, I told my teacher I would head towards the front of the school to check my attendance that day, I start walking and he grabs his stuff, says “bye” and starts walking too. In my mind I couldn’t under any circumstances find myself alone at the hall with him. Luckily Bree was in the bathroom of the workshop which is right next to the entrance, she opens the door and I go directly to ask her for SOMETHING, we have quite a connection and we know each other very well so she got what was going on in my head instantly and started talking to me till he walked right past me and out of the workshop. Bree finished the sentence and I went off right behind him because I needed to really negotiate my attendance at the front door. Next time I saw him I believe was the end of year exposition of the school that happened every year. I walked into the workshop to say “Hi” to all the teachers. There he was next to Dom, they are really good friends, ruining our lives because I REALLY got along with Dom and if I didn’t say hi to him he would have teased me later because clearly he was standing next to the reason why I ignored him and I rather not make it more weird than it already is, so I go and say hi in order -here this means a chick to chick kiss- first to Bobby and then to Dom. Bobby touched my waist at that moment and I had to control my face while greeting Dom. The thing with those two is that I don’t really know how much information they shared with each other. I remember working a shift that night, Bobby kept himself around, once my work was done I said bye at a distance and left on a hurry with Bree to a dinner party. Less than a week later it was my graduation. I looked stunning, bittersweet day though (family problems), and luckily I didn’t cry. Bobby gave the speech for my class, not exactly who we wanted but we were grateful and mostly touched anyway. This is where the anger comes, as I’m writing this, I hate that he will be forever immortalized in my memory, IN MY FAMILY’S MEMORY because he gave the speech to my fucking graduation. I can’t forget that he existed I’ll always remember my stupid graduation. So moving on my class had a dinner party there at a “rentable” salon of the school. All my family went, all our families and all the teacher team. I remember drinking with my dinner, walking around, with some alcohol in my blood I started to relax. At some point we had a little conversation. I think I was talking to Dom when he appeared with a glass of champagne, I remember teasing him “champagne is for the the class that’s graduating”, partly because I know he likes to drink and partly to tease him. Now I can distinguish the little “self made justice” I did there, I didn’t even thought about it at the moment. He said “oh well if you want me to leave then just tell me and I’ll leave” and I said “if you WANT TO leave, there’s the door” and he announced “your mother’s calling you”. I turn around to find my mom with a bottle of champagne asking me if I wanted some from the other side of the table. I went there to fill my glass and kept on walking around the place. Later that night my friends and I were going to go to a bar we liked because once passed midnight it was Jay’s birthday. When I greeted good bye to everyone at the end, Bobby told me Chad had told him and offered him the chance to go. Off I went and so did he. Once I got there -late lol- he was already there. He didn’t speak too much, I remember being extremely uncomfortable for many reasons. At some point he did too and went out of the bar to use his phone, I went to the bathroom to find my ex-girlfriend there who decided to be really mean to me at that moment even tho she was the one who’s been a total bitch since we broke up. So I went out to have a smoke angry as hell to chill down while being annoyed as hell because he was there. One of my friends texted me to talk to him, after a while I did, we had a nice talk that slowly started to reach the night of my graduation party. I played koi about his other work just to have something else to talk about. At some point we talked about the speech “how is that that you rather Dom gave the speech? why? or that you rather him giving you your diploma?”. After some conversation another friend of mine who lives very near my house appeared, she get’s along well with Bobby so they started talking and he ended up offering her a ride home, then he offered me a ride home, I was leaving with Bree and couldn’t leave her to her luck so I had to say no, when I explained that “are you sure? last chance!” “I’m sure, I don’t even know if we’re going to mine’s or her’s” “ok bye then”. We didn’t talk, not even a sign of him. Then one night, almost at my 19th birthday, at the club I was walking down the stairs to the bathroom of the dance floor when I see someone who looked familiar eating a girls face. After heading out of the bathroom with the girls we went to the bar, we passed right by him confirming it was Bobby and we had to say hi. Later that night I was upstairs at the VIP looking for someone who had a cigarette so we could share with Bree. When I find what I’m looking for I head towards the stairs and bump into Fred who starts talking to me and asks for a cigarette. We share the one that just came into my power and start talking about the show that there was going to take place on the next day on that same club. I told him how my friends and I were coming to celebrate my birthday. At some point Bobby sneaked into the conversation and Fred sneaked out of it. We were engaging in literal small talk when suddenly he says “I’ll meet you downstairs in 10, I want to but I can’t right here” so I just went down to give my friends a little heads up and to the bathroom to do some time. When I came out he was standing there against the wall waiting, I walked there and he pulled me closer, kissed me and started flirting. I remember this push and pull, me teasing on why we had to come downstairs and him playing koi and asking when we were going to go out. Me saying that whenever he wanted except for Wednesday because I had plans with someone else I don’t remember exactly what he said to me but I remember he was a little bit “jealous”. I asked if he was coming with his friend tomorrow, he said “if you text me then yes”. He went upstairs shortly after that and a couple of hours later the night ended. Next day I texted him and we talked a little bit, the conversation reached till that night. After midnight my birthday started, he ended up going to the club that night. We saw each other from a distance but he never came near me and I didn’t have a VIP pass that night. He said “happy birthday” to me by text but never came near nor texted me to meet him anywhere, so we didn’t. I didn’t either but I didn’t want to be annoying. I had a great night anyway and once home I kinda called his ass out on that. He said he didn’t want to bother me, that he did some hand signs and that I didn’t get them and that that wasn’t his fault. We kept on talking all of my birthday, till dinner time because of Christmas dinner. After that we spoke for some days, with some breaks in the middle. For this birthday my mom gave me my first tarot deck.

2019 We are in January and he finally asked me out on a date. Friday night, bar, some beers. So we talked about A LOT of things. We talked about his last girl because I told him that some stories found their way to my ears, they never got to an actual relationship, he said she was cool but that he didn’t like her the way he liked her. So they stopped dating and that was it. We talked about our likes and dislikes and our friendships. After eating and drinking there wasn’t much else to do so we asked for the check. He invited me to keep the night going, so we went to the river that was a few blocks from where we were. Walked and walked and talked. About drugs, about going out, about how relationships work, how the world works. In between we would have very flirtatious conversations. I remember finding this wood structure, kind of like an installation. We climbed it and stared at the river. After a while he kissed me after that we talked about the night of my graduation party AGAIN, I told him I never thought he would actually say yes he said “It’s not like I could have told you no, that would have broken your heart”. I answered “well actually you’re wrong, I would have understood the whole context of the situation, I’m not that fragile, and don’t think yourself as THAT important”. Now I regret it, it was partly truth, but out of proportion, it’s true I wouldn’t have enjoyed the no but it wouldn’t have broken my heart either, and he clearly was important for me. I was afraid of telling him actually how much he really mattered to me. It didn’t sound as harsh as you are probably imagining it, I have this talent to say harsh things with a nice tone, or nice things with a harsh weird tone. So we kissed a little bit more climbed down the structure and kept on walking. We talked about my past relationships then we stopped at a bench over which I stood up and did relevé, he asked what I was doing “just playing a little bit, it’s like a dance posture” he came towards me, grabbed my waist and picked me up and down of the bench, in doing so my necklace fell inside his shirt, so I pulled it out and he kissed me SO HARD. At this point we sat down and I remember thinking “I don’t want this do end, I’m SO LUCKY, like look who I’m having a date with!! This is h e a v e n.” then I remembered I used to think the same with an ex and that story ended horribly. After a while we decided it was time to go home. We started walking and we talked about my tarot cards, he asked me if they did work and if he could get a reading someday to see how that worked, I told him I needed a LOT of `practice yet but that when I felt I could accurately read them I would be glad to do a reading for him. We were waiting the public bus when he decided he would go with me till my doorstep for safety right after I denied his little hint for keeping the night going in some bed. Once in my doorstep he kissed me hard and said “the ball is in your courtyard, it’s up to you” and left. Once in I almost cry of how beautiful it all was. A week after I invited him to go out and he told me he couldn’t, and then again on the following week, and then he went on a trip, I went on a trip while he was gone, he came back when I was gone and then I came back. In all that time he never sent a text, never EVER. I don’t remember how we started talking again, probably I sent him a text or something similar, oh! I remember now, I tweeted about some other guy I was seeing and Bobby liked an old picture of my ig so I sent a message. And he called in a promise, something I had agreed to in January. We are at the end of February and he is asking me to go visit him AT WORK. AND I DID. I went to the workshop one morning. We had breakfast with Dom and talked mostly about meaningless stuff. BUT we have some relevant details. First the hiding at plain sight hand touch when handing something to the other. Secondly some things Dom and Bobby said, for example: Bobby was explaining how he was going to have a trip with friends and their girlfriend’s, how he doesn’t have someone to take to the trip, at that point Dom said “you need a lass, look here’s one, and she’s pretty” and POINTED AT ME to which I responded to playing like super koi and saying “I know, right?” at the same time that Bobby said “yes she’s pretty” and we kept on talking about something else. The morning passed and Bobby left to his other job, I stayed another hour just not to be THAT obvious. At some point I sighed and Dom asked me what’s wrong. I told him “love sucks and my ex is a bitch” which was true, I just evaded the part where the frustration was also because Bobby was not consistent, I felt truly confused, I did not have clarity on what he wanted or didn’t wanted. Dom said “I know what you want and you have all the circumstances for the this to go down” I thanked him and said good bye I was done embarrassing myself. I went to Bree’s house and we talked about this. Later Bobby and I texted a little bit, talked for a few days and things died out again. Every time I asked him out he would say no. I stopped talking to him and he didn’t talk to me. One day he reacted to an ig story of mine and I didn’t answer partly because I was a little hurt partly because I didn’t know what to say. On April we had an encounter, we bumped into each other in that same club. He claimed I owed him a date I told him that if anyone owed something it was him, since I asked him out several times and he said no. We argued that night, I told him I didn’t want to feel like I was pressuring him all the time, that I didn’t like chasing him and that he puts me in that place ALL the time, I told him that I didn’t like the fact that he was just wanting me to chase him. He denied this, he said he wasn’t doing that, that he liked me as much as I liked him. I told him that that was a lie, that if he actually wanted to date me then he would. I told him “I understand that you have other things to do, I’m not asking you to cancel all your plans, IF you wanted me to date me, and the day I’m offering isn’t a good one you would tell me when you are free, instead you just say no and that’s it, SO STOP LYING” he changed the subject. After a while of us going in circles with the same conversation over and over again he offered to leave togehter, now. At first I hesitated but when he said like “c’mon!” in a tone that suggested that I was talking the talk but not walking the walk I accepted. So we start to walk to the font door and while doing so one of the security guards we walked past TOUCHED MY BACK. So when we were out I was furious and started saying that I hated how he did that, made me SO uncomfortable and he said “it’s not that big of a deal, let it go” and I got angry at him now and told him like “yes it is, if I was a boy he wouldn’t have done that, he didn’t touch YOUR back. He touched me without my consent of course it’s a big deal FUCKING PERSONAL SPACE. He is not entitled to touch me whenever the fuck he wants” and he said “c’mon forget it and we can change subject and get along, let’s start over” and I said “ok” because it was pointless to keep arguing. We got into his car and he asked if a “motel” was ok for me and I told him it was going to be my first time in a motel. He asked if it was ok if he was my first time in a motel, I said yes and off we went. Once we got there we had to wait a little bit until they gave us a room. I was SO nervous, so first things first the bathroom. After I got out he went in and I used the time to take off a ring I had and my heels. Sat down on the bed and used my phone to kill the rest of the time. When he got out my heart stopped and I thought “wow this is really happening” he walked to me and kissed me. I can’t remember everything in order, I remember he couldn’t get it up which yes was frustrating, I tried SO HARD like literally I talked dirty, touched him and sucked him like I had never touched or sucked a boy before, I can still remember he even said that to me, that he REALLY liked how I touched him and sucked him. At some point it got up and I told him to please go easy on me at first because I was kinda dry. “how so??? if I sucked you!” “well it’s not like I have a choice, she’s does this to me all the time, nothing I can do”. At some point in the middle of everything, he was on top of me and suddenly looked down at me, and gently touched my face, this is one of my most sad memories, it’s the part that comes back to me all the time, that moment when I felt like he truly fancied me, that one moment when it was clear as water, when there was no doubt, when I felt that he was being genuine. After it all ended he said “this is the first of many” then we left and he drove me home. He talked to me about another girl in the way, someone we know, he is kinda of like his “friend” he was saying how annoying it was that such a great girl was with such an asshole, and he was right, and I was jealous, like man we just had sex and YOU ARE TALKING TO ME ABOUT SOMEONE YOU CAN’T HAVE. When I got home and closed the door I talked to my friends, I was SO happy. Today I kinda have mixed feelings about this.because I feel like he just wanted to fuck me and that maybe if I hadn’t done it today I wouldn’t be here writing this with the hope that it will help me forget him. This is the last time we talked face to face. I sent him some messages after that asking if he was going to the club and he always answered super nicely but the answer was always no. I invited him over to dinner and he said no. Nothing changed, so I stopped writing him and he never wrote to me AGAIN. Here enters the scene a very important ex of mine called Wally who I hadn’t seen in 3 years, he was from my friend group and now we were starting to see each other with the whole friend group again and at some point we started dating again but it didn’t last because he messed up, we ended up being friends again. The thing is that one day we were all at the club, I was with him and Bobby appeared out of nowhere. He came and said hi and I got all tense of course, this was the first time I saw him since we had sex. He kept himself around and I was being all over my date feeling super uncomfortable because I really wanted to talk to him but I couldn’t do that to Wally, even when he offered me some space I told him “I don’t want to make you feel bad even if I’m in all my right to go to him, I won’t do that to you”. This was on May, flash forward and we are in November, I’m single and feeling not well. I decide to get my akashic records opened and read, so on November 2nd I go to that session. That same night I had a halloween party in the club I always go to. Yes customs party, so we go to the party and a friend of a friend goes dressed up as a character that has the SAME nickname as he does, then when I got out of the party at 5AM Bree and I crossed paths with Fred!! TOO MANY SYNCHRONICITIES. Now that I remember, before this I was already starting to have lots of dreams with him, one of those dreams was a sign and I am VERY sure of it. I asked for a sign coming back from Bree’s house in the train, and this little fly catches my attention and stands on a airplane imagery. That night I dreamt I was in an airplane and Bobby was right next to me, we were watching a movie that later that week appeared in my life in my english classes as a little video for an exercise. Bare with me we are close to the end of the story and we still have to go through analyzing it. So we did speak like once or twice over ig messages but nothing more than me checking in, seeing how he was doing. Ok so back to a specific date, we are now more into November, on the Gemini Full Moon (which made me keep a looking eye bc I’m a Gemini asc), I am a tarot reader so I did a reading for a friend and two cardrs stuck out to me very powerfully, as well as some details of some new cards I had (GoT cards), the fact that some of the cups suit had beer chops instead of cups, and the fact that the three of cus had three red wine cups, AND the fact that in another deck The Empress’s shield has a two headed eagle (Viceversa tarot). So after the reading I started feeling really bad emotionally, I got home after being late to what I had to do next, in a bad mood. Made dinner, washed the dishes and started crying like a LOT. So I went to my matron’s altar and asked for her help “please help me, make it stop, I don’t even know what hurts, please help” and she said “this is me helping you” so once the storm passed I talked to one of my friends who I was meant to see in a bar near his house, asked if the plans were still standing and he said yes, I told him I was feeling really low that I needed a friend and he said “I’m with Lea and Dean, you know that couple who were on my same class in high school. Get your ass here we are waiting for you”. So I got out of my house and went to wait for the public bus, still feeling like shit, a little bit crying. Once on the bus stop I asked for a sign on why I was feeling so low and hit shuffle, a song with Bobby’s inicials started and I dismissed it as “well I guess it’s always that” also in the bus stops there was this guy with his kid who had a bird in his hand, something I had never seen before, once the bus arrived they let the bird go. When I got to my destination I wasn’t crying but I was furious because I almost got run over by a taxi while stepping out of the bus. So I get into the bar and buy myself some red beer because it’s my favourite, and started talking to my friend about what bothered me. Which was two things, Bobby not even noticing me and the fact that the only other person who catched my attention was someone who Bree dated a couple of times, which made it complicated again, and I was tired of things being complicated. While I was talking about this my friends passed me a joint so I could relax. While smoking I suddenly look to my right (we were at the back yard of the bar) and I see BOBBY, at a distance I doubted if it was him until Dean and Lea get up and go to say “hi” because Bobby was having a date with a friend of Lea’s, a girl who literally JUST graduated a couple of days ago from my SAME HIGH SCHOOL. I couldn’t believe it, I was furious, sounded like a very mean joke from the universe and when our friends get back they said “look there is Bobby with Ari! they have been dating for a while now” “yes I see that, THAT is the guy I was talking about some minutes ago so, yeah this sucks” my friend hugged me, I didn’t share a tear, I had already cried it out in my house, so now it made sense, my matron was helping me process the emotions before the event so that I wouldn’t embarrass myself. I even started laughing a little for the sake of my sanity. Asked my friend to please go and buy me a beer with my money so that I didn’t have to enter the bar where he was with his date. So my friend comes back with my red beer and sits next to me, suddenly I see his beer next to mine and a third empty glass, and tell him about how my cards caught my attention today and how weird it was that now we had like THREE glasses which two had RED beer and he joking says “well the third one isn’t full so it doesn’t count” literally when he finished saying this our friend Dean appeared with a RED BEER GLASS “I decided to follow you guys on that train” and sits down. My friend and I looked at each other like O.O wtf just happened. We changed subject after blowing Dean’s mind and we changed places, I was sitting in a chair and moved right in front to the couch. We were the three of us having a laugh, they were actually making a little fun of me while Lea was inside playing the piano because she is amazing at it lol, when suddenly Bobby walks out and goes to the bathroom that was out here in the backyard, he had to pass right in front of us, if I hadn’t changed places I wouldn’t had to see him walk. When he appeared we kind of suddenly shut up, then kept going, he walked and looked quickly at us and entered the bathroom. When he walked out I couldn’t keep myself from looking so I followed him with my eyes until the wall of the place I was in (on the backyard there was a place with a little roof, that’s where we were) and in the wall there was the logo of the bar A TWO HEADED EAGLE. I explained it to my friends and almost freak out, why did he go to THAT bathroom??????????? There was no NEED for him to do that, there were bathrooms inside. Everything was too weird, after a while we left, I remember having to enter the bar to leave and just focusing on looking to my friend’s back, I did NOT want to see him seeing me or him with her. I felt so stupid, all those excuses of “I work a lot, I study a lot that’s why I can’t go on a date with you” all those lies, the fact that this was the third student he dated, the fact that she was even younger than me. I was furious, I felt like shit, literally he didn’t like me, he didn’t want to date ME, it wasn’t that he didn’t want to date, I was the problem. I thought that it would help me let him go, and it did help not looking up to him but he never truly left my mind. Not even with the ritual I had used many times before. As you can see he hasn’t left yet and we are in JUNE 2020. I knew now, he had a pattern for fucking students. So not too much time forward it’s my birthday and I was expecting at least a “hope you have a nice day”. Nothing, he didn’t say a thing. I had sent him a message for his birthday in September, he didn’t for mine and on purpouse, he knows it’s my fucking birthday, a year ago he was all romantic about it. So I got angrier.

2020 now and I do that ritual and works for a couple of months, but suddenly with quarantine his memory starts hunting me again. I start having dreams about him and feeling trapped, dating other people went horribly wrong for me. And even trying to date other people went wrong, I got rejected many times. So I fell back into thinking about him. So I asked my matron why couldn’t I break the bond like all those times before and she said “you have a soul contract with him” which explains a lot to me. The feeling of knowing him when I actually don’t, the deep deep feeling I have for him. So at some point I started talking to a new friend about this and he says “well, maybe you can tell him how you feel, that will lift a lot of weight from your shoulders” and that resonated with me a lot. So I did, I reached out to him and asked for a minute of his time to tell him something. I told him I had lots of feelings for him since a long time ago and that keeping that to myself wasn’t doing me any good. I needed to move on and I couldn’t and that’s why I was telling him all of this. I realized I had a deep fear for vulnerability which I mentioned as why I hadn’t said this before. Once I finished he was all polite about it and told me some nice things, like how cool I was, that he likes me as a person, that I wasn’t the problem, that I was very true to myself as a person, that I was very brave by telling him this. He also asked “weren’t you in a relationship???” “no, that didn’t work out, didn’t last long either. Everything went crashing down, anyway I’m grateful for the time I had with him, I needed to close that cycle properly and it helped plus I couldn’t not give it a try” he told me he’s been there too before. I said sorry to him for that night in the club, even though I didn’t know if it was as uncomfortable for me as it was for him. I told him that the truth was that I had them both there and I couldn’t deal with all that was happening inside me, because I had feelings for both. The only thing I hated about that conversation was the fact that he treated me so nicely, the fact that he never said “I can’t reciprocate”, the fact that he did say “If you knew your feelings were getting stronger maybe you shouldn’t have kept going on with what we were doing” like man, I fucking love you and you expect me to not act on it?????? and I hated that he wanted to keep talking about other things after all that conversation. I told him he should have told me he wasn’t interested and I would have stopped insisting. He said he never had much nerve to do those things, that he “wishes he could change it”. The conversation ended with he leaving me on read. Yes it made a difference, I felt so much lighter.

ANALYSIS

2013 Let’s start by mentioning how since the beginning I idealized him, I admired him, thought he was somehow better than me given the age of course. I also want to mention how I brought this to myself, I hoped that first year that by talking to him, in time he would wanna date me. I planted the seed when I was 13 almost without thinking. The belief that he wouldn’t reciprocate has it’s root in the first year, when that was true. I also want to point out how history repeats itself. My expectations weren’t met, he never messaged me first the difference is that it was easier to do so at the moment because I was never shown that there was an actual possibility. I came from a place of feeling insecure and I did what I did with the intention of getting him to notice me.

2014 This year makes me nervous, and while reading my heart races. Get’s me tense. Fear of vulnerability is what I can mostly read on that part, and feeling exposed. Caught my attention the fact that these feelings are rooted here, so many years. Actually fear of vulnerability comes from A LOT before, from childhood when my friends told me it was wrong to cry in public. I came from this place of insecurity and being fed up with it and my intention was to just forget about it, leave it behind, sounds familiar lol.

2015 the comeback. I have the theory that this taught me that there’s no escaping him. This taught me that there’s no freedom of him. I have to unlearn that. Also when I resigned myself to this I told myself there’s no opportunity to escape this, I have to create it myself and accept that this is not a fact it’s something I believe. This year I came from a place of surrendering to the situation and what I wanted is for him to notice me, for him to have to live with my presence as much as I had to live with his. To get his attention without obviously calling it.

2016 (TW SUICIDAL) in regards to this year I only have something like a doubt. I became topic of discussion between the teachers, most probably, because my ex boyfriend was suicidal when I left him. I did love him a lot, he was too depressed and it was affecting me and I felt like it was doing no good to him either. This year is my worst year ever and most probably the teachers had an eye on me. Hoe much of all of this does Bobby know about? This were really dark times for me, which is partly why I have like a blurry supercut of the year, So I would like to know which role was he taking in those conversations, how did they make him feel in regards to me. I didn’t even care for him that much this year, I had a change of perspective.

2017 I still don’t know what to make of this encounter, I just know I felt hurt by the mean attitude he had. Also I wanna point out how I placed us as equals now. I was coming from a place of new found strength and sense of value and my own worth. I wanted him to see that I was maturing, that I wasn’t going to allow someone not treating me like I deserve, I wanted him to see my strenght.

2018 I wanna point out the strength of the sexual tension that we shared that I can see now from afar and how I translated that as my own nervousness. I also want to point out at how insecure I felt about all of this because of my fear of vulnerability and how the moment wasn’t a good one since I had just ended a relationship in a way that really hurt me. So I came from a place of hurt and illusion, I wanted all to make sense, to be synched, the fact that my girlfriend had left me was so that I could get the chance to be with the one I wanted since I was a child. I wanted to be with him SO BAD I became obsessed with doing it right, on controlling myself, on showing him something that he liked. I genuinely couldn’t believe what was happening, I couldn’t believe he liked me, I wanted him to though and at the same time. So I couldn’t understand fully the situation, I was so confused, I didn’t understand if he felt the same, which I highly doubt bc of how he behave and bc I believe my feelings to be rather deep, if he felt similar, if he just wanted sex, if he was just testing the waters, if he has been truly waiting for this (a memory of him telling me he has been waiting for me was when we had sex, so at the most he has been waiting for that), I didn’t know how to act to get what I wanted, so I went with cool and chill at first bc of the remaining days in school and when it ended showed interest but not too much. At the same time he was saying so many things, promising so much and I wanted to believe him and somehow I did while doubting it all too. With my birthday everything changed of course and my confidence grew, the good parts, feel almost dreamy the highs were exciting and the lows well felt like total confusion, a sense of not knowing where I was standing or what I was doing. Almost like there was or I was making some kind of mistake.

2019 Again really high high’s and low low’s. I was fully involved in this, I was mourning my past relationship at the same time, my heart was everywhere. I still felt anger and loss for my ex and I was totally in love with this guy and excited and ready to jump right in while also feeling like he wasn’t taking it seriously. After our date, that just sealed the deal, I fell and I loved it while also didn’t understand how was it possible that I felt so much for a very much straight white cis man that didn’t even share my political views or music taste. I wanted him even more and for a while I thought I could have it, and then it just wasn’t happening, I felt so uncertain all the time. I was showing interest without showing how much involved I was but at the same time showing enough for him to notice that I truly liked him. I was trying so hard to show myself gradually, to little by little show my truth because I am not pretending to be someone I’m not and at the same time I’m fearful of him not reciprocating mostly because he wasn’t showing it with consistent actions. He said a lot of stuff, he always does, but he rarely shows. When he did it felt almost as if he truly felt for me. At some point it felt like a game. I was coming from this uncertain place trying to get to his heart, trying to get to be with him, to get his attention and affection. I became depressed at some point, it was all mixed with not even knowing what I wanted to study and studying something because my parents wanted me to study anything and the feeling that I was in love with someone who doesn’t really care and just comes around when he feels like it. The high’s were really high, the date, the sex, the conversations, the workshop, the things he said, they feel like a dream, they felt like a dream come true. The low’s where really low, feeling like we are playing some kind of game, like I’m being tested, like I can’t trust him but wanting to do so so badly that when he says that you can you do and you stop trusting yourself because you don’t know what’s real and what’s in your head, like he just wants to fuck me, that he would do and say anything to get it and then puff disappear, which he kinda did. Feeling like no matter how hard you try you don’t get it right. I felt rejected and at the same time he was denying rejecting me. I was so confused all the time. At some point I felt worthless, then I realized that that doesn’t determinate my worth, and began to feel anger because he wasn’t seeing my worth. I was worthless to him. I am. I know my worth and I hate how if he can see it won’t care, I hate how much wanted he made me feel, wanted by the person I most wanted in the world to then drop me and decide he didn’t, to be always half-way there. I felt like his little toy, and called him on that while also somehow allowing it to happen, allowing him to treat me that way just because I wanted him. And because he did it nicely, politely, he wasn’t aggressive, he was kind doing it so at the moment while I somehow felt that way when I said, with different words though, that I felt that way I couldn’t fully prove it, or put a finger clearly on the facts. That night I felt wanted, later with the days passing I felt used. The sex part is the part that makes me cry, it’s the only part that made me truly cry and even mentioning it now creates a sinking feeling. Because of how much effort and energy I put that night, because I can’t even remember if I had an orgasm but I remember him complaining about me not being wet enough while I worked my ass off to make his little friend to get hard and to please him. Because even after that he wasn’t accepting my invitations to go out or do something. Because after all that he said that night with his beautiful little dirty mouth he still chose someone else, younger than me. And the worst was that I felt like I couldn’t say this, or more accurately, like I shouldn’t say it. And never did to him. By the end of this year I wanted him to feel bad about losing me, as bad as I felt with losing him.

2020 what a year is being huh? let’s do a little check in, it’s Friday July 3rd. Yes still doing is, have been for the past hour or two. It’s working and I’m in my feels. I’m angry because after all of this I still feel like I will always have feelings for him. When I told him just that I had feelings, and a little tiny bit of how I felt at the moment of all of this I felt so much lighter. I’m slowly feeling lighter. I am realizing how much power over me I gave him, how I allow things to happen because I think that if I allow that, he will somehow see that I’m wonderful and that he likes me and loves me, like I like him and love him. I want to forgive him, and to forgive myself mostly for not listening to myself for not speaking up, for loving someone who does not see my worth and for even trying to make him see it by lowering my standards, by allowing him do what he wanted with me. I hate that he mostly says what’s polite and right but rarely does the right thing for me. I hate that I wish I didn’t have to leave, but I have to. And I am doing it. Even when I still don’t know if he really did or didn’t. The fact that he thought I was with someone else gives me hope, hope that I hate, because a part of me wants him, wants things to be different, wants for it to start again so that I can get it right. So that we can get it right. A part of me wants him to want me, love me, say he is sorry, or to at least say he doesn’t love me, that he doesn’t want me. We are two sides of the same coin and I hate how when I meditated and thought of get him out of me, of not loving him anymore of not wanting him made me see myself ripping my own heart out. I will get it right next time, with the right person, with the one who deserves it, the one who shows me that deserves it. I am coming from a place of growth, of pain yes but of transformation, of learning, changing my ways, knowing myself. I was coming from a place of healing of wanting to move on and what I wanted is for him to help me do that while also getting some things off my chest. A little part of me wanted him to tell me he has feelings for me too. He didn’t help a bit, that I don’t like one bit, he does not want to help me. He wants what he wants. And I want to be happy, to grow, to evolve, to have a stable loving sane relationship. He is not giving me that, and loving him, dreaming him, wanting him is not helping nor giving that either. So, it has to go. So this is the end. He won’t help me but I am helping myself. I am done with giving my energy to this man, I am done with not accepting the fact that he didn’t truly want ME and allowing that to get me down, I do not spend time, effort and energy into someone that does not see it or care or give it back. I am done with actively loving someone who doesn’t have the gut to love me back but has the intention to get what he wants when he wants. I release all of this, the anger, the doubt, the wonder, the sadness, the uncertainty, the illusion, the heartbreak, the experience. I thank for all the good times and the lesson. I thank for all the beautiful unconditional love I feel and felt for him, now it’s time to take it back, I need it for myself. So farewell baby, I hope you grow from this, I hope you’ll see someday what happened here, how great we could have been, and how we ruined it, I hope you get to be that great with someone who holds you as dear as I do, as I did. I now declare by the power and authority of being the one who opened it, that this cycle is closed, this has ended. All the hurt it’s over. He won’t put the final point, he does not have the balls, so I am putting it, now.

#myoldselfisoverparty #the end #final point #period

The end.

I see this story now, before telling it from beginning to end (IT’S A LONG ONE, years long), as story about love, hope, expectations, spirituality, heartbreak, loss, sadness and self-awareness.

ANALYSIS

#myoldselfisoverparty #the end #final point #period

#final point

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