#finding my purpose

[missmathematician]

On the menu for this weekend:

Design survey questionnaire for factor analysis (I’m doing a research study to determine why so few math students are using online tutoring at my institution)

Get approval from Institutional Research department to deploy my survey

Diddle around with Tableau (I want to build a faculty-facing data dashboard breaking down tutoring utilization at my institution)

Y’all, I think I’m doing it! I think I’m growing into a baby data scientist!

[sweetnovember95]

Life seems brighter

[nichitaain21]

I Feel Like I’m Losing Myself Again

May mga pagkakataon talagang napanghihinaan ako ng loob. Siguro normal lang ito dahil bawat isa sa atin ay may mga sandaling ganito. Yung alam mong okay ka naman sa panlabas, pero sa loob may kulang. May lungkot. May bigat na hindi mo maipaliwanag. Isang pakiramdam na deep inside, may isang bahagi ng sarili mong tahimik na umiiyak.

May mga oras na tinatanong ko ang sarili ko: Ano pa bang kulang? Bakit ang lungkot? Ginagawa ko naman ang best ko para maabot ang mga pangarap ko. Alam ko ang mga dahilan kung bakit ganito ang pakiramdam—alam kong hindi ako tamad, alam kong sinusubukan ko. Pero kahit ganoon, pakiramdam ko pa rin ay stuck ako. Parang stagnant ang buhay ko. Ang dami kong pangarap, pero parang napakalayo nilang lahat. Ang hirap, kahit ginagawa mo na ang lahat ng kaya mo.

Minsan tinatanong ko ang sarili ko kung ito ba ay parusa mula kay Allah. Nagkasala ba ako? Humingi naman ako ng tawad. Sinubukan kong intindihin ang buhay ko. Kinuwestyon ko ang self-worth ko, ang purpose ko, ang mismong halaga ng pag-iral ko. Paulit-ulit kong tinatanong ang sarili ko: Habang buhay na lang ba akong ganito?

Mas mahirap pala ang buhay kapag mag-isa ka. Yung wala kang karamay walang kasamang lumalaban sa buhay, walang kaagapay sa hirap at ginhawa. Walang taong makikinig sa’yo kapag pagod ka na, kapag gusto mo lang maglabas ng sama ng loob para gumaan ang pakiramdam mo. Yung may kasamang mangarap at magsikap, yung sabay kayong umaangat, sabay kayong nagtatagumpay.

I don’t know. I feel lost again. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang dapat kong gawin sa buhay ko.

Ang dami kong pangarap. Gusto kong magkaroon ng sariling bahay at lupa bonus na lang kung may sasakyan. Gusto kong magkaroon ng stable na trabaho, ng sariling negosyo. Pangarap kong maging abogadaang childhood dream na hindi ko pa rin binibitawan. Gusto ko ng masayang buhay. Gusto ko ng partner na dadamayan ako sa lungkot, saya, rant, at pagsubok ng buhay. Isang partner na handang makinig, handang umunawa, at tatanggapin ako kung sino at ano ako. Yung partner na hindi ka huhusgahan bagkus iaangat pa ang iyong buhay. Yung partner na husband and father material—marunong dumiskarte, marunong lumaban para sa kinabukasan.

Alam kong hindi imposible ang lahat ng ito sa tulong ni Allah. Pero sa ngayon, parang ang labo ng lahat. Parang ang mga pangarap ko ay mananatili na lang na mga pangarap. Huli na ba ang lahat para sa akin? Kaya ko pa bang itama ang mga maling desisyon at pagkakamaling nagawa ko kung hanggang ngayon ay pinanghihinaan ako? Paano at saan ba ako dapat magsimula?

Gusto kong magsimula ulit—bumalik sa simula, itama ang mali, ayusin ang sarili. Pero huli na ba kung nasa kalagitnaan na ako ng kawalan? Ano ba talaga ang dapat kong gawin?

Hindi ko alam ang kinabukasan. Malabo ang daan sa ngayon. Wala akong kasamang tuklasin ang bukas. At kahit ligaw ako sa sandaling ito, may kaunting pag-asa pa ring namumuo sa loob ko—dahil habang may buhay, may pag-asa. Balang araw, mahahanap ko rin kung sino ako, kung saan ako patungo, at kung para saan ako.

[findingmyselfat35]

Just a gentle reminder that to myself that I am resilient. Determined. A lover. Damaged. Healing. Loud. Compassionate. Hard-working. Always freezing my ass off. Loves reading. Loves learning. Sometimes fickle. Perfectionist (even though I realize perfection is a myth). A loner. Optimistically obsessed with true love. Can engage in jealous behavior. If I'm hungry when I wake up a 2 am, I'm going to eat period. I'm thick. With hips and ass, breasts and a fupa. I hate working out, but I'm trying to be more disciplined. I'm a lot sometimes. And not enough other times. I make mistakes. But I'm trying to learn from them. I am enough. I am perfect. And I'm all that in a bag of chips for someone, whomever that may be.

[findingmyselfat35]

I remember thinking that there was no way this was happening. To me?! No way! Things rarely, if ever, go the way that I'd want them to!

I felt like our time together at brunch moved at lightspeed. And about 1 hour in, I instantly knew that I wanted to go on another date with him. Like ASAP.

We talked about everything. Our family. What our long-term and short-term goals were. Our opinion on dating. What values mattered most to us when it came to parenting/children, finances, mental health, how we handle conflicts. Why eventually being married was important to us. We talked about our childhoods and our siblings (I think now's the perfect time to mention he's a twin as well).

He opened my car door for me, we said our good-byes, and just as he was walking away he said, "I really enjoyed myself, and I hope we can do this again soon."

My heart leaped into my throat. "For sure!"

My pits started to sweat, and my hands turned clammy. Why am I so damn nervous?!

Once I was home doing what your mother always told you to do to prepare for work - take out your clothes, pack your lunch and work bag - I received a text from WC.

"What's your favorite restaurant to eat at?"

"I really love this hole in the wall out in Bloomfield. Their Italian food is always amazing, called Carbone's Kitchen," I replied.

"Ok that's where we going tomorrow for our second date. I'll make a reservation for 7 pm."

I was floored. Yea, this was going to certainly be different than before.

[findingmyselfat35]

It was June 2020, a few months in from the beginning of the pandemic. Yeap, life changed drastically for everyone that year. And I was not exempt.

During what I believed to be a regular conversation with my therapist (I no longer see this therapist, by the way), she asked me about my plans for turning 30 in a mere few weeks. I scoffed. I'm a self-proclaimed loner who would much rather curl up in bed at 2 pm on a Saturday and mindlessly scroll on her TikTok, and when that gets old, sleep.

She implored me to think about my future, telling me to set realistic goals and then be intentional about accomplishing them.

Well, I knew immediately what two of those goals were. I've always felt deep in my heart that I was born to be a mom. It's an innate feeling that swells from the depths of my soul and I get excited when I think about how I'd step into the role with ease. I also had a goal to be a wife. And yes, in my perfect world, becoming a wife first would be the ideal order.

I prayed to God often back then about those desires. I prayed to God and asked him to grant me the strength, discipline and tools to be have the exact life I wanted - a business owner, mom and wife.

It strikes me as ironic that while the entire world was in QUARANTINE, my therapist encouraged me to date intentionally, as much as I could throughout the summer. I needed to decipher what values and characteristics I wanted in a partner.

Eventually I took her advice. I set myself up on Tinder, Hinge, Bumble and BLK. What she didn't know was that I REFUSED to take this seriously. Why? Well, because it's DATING APPS! Do I really need to say more?

And less than 48 hours in, I cursed the fact that I ever even took her advice.

After a few weeks, I went out on my first date. Then another nearly a week later, and then another. All different men. All for drinks, or dinner, or morning coffee. Nothing earth-shattering. And for safety concerns, of course, I texted my girlfriend before and after ever single date.

It was early September that I met one gentleman (he'll remain nameless) and we clicked almost immediately. He was funny, hardworking, involved in lots of non-profit organizations in his city, and showed genuine interest in me. He cared about texting me back right away, you know?

However, after 3 dates over 4 months, I quickly realized my patience was practically non-existent. Well, let me clarify. I was tired of the games. I refused to pretend like I didn't have a goal. I was crystal clear that if at some point there was dating without intention, I'd block and delete faster than you can say "InanyformImgivingyousweetdreams". And so it was over - as fast as you could say "InanyformImgivingyousweetdreams".

As the new year - 2021 to be exact - quickly approached, I swore off dating. I deleted all my accounts, deleted all the apps. I shifted my focus to learning as much as I could about the process of becoming a business owner. I dived deep into research about LLCs, business plans, start-up funding, small business loans, website hosting platforms, and much more.

I rang in 2021 in bed, with a cup of hot cocoa, my fingers frantically dancing across my MacBook keyboard, publishing the last minute touches on my new website. My plan was to begin my lifestyle concierge services business, launching with the easiest division, and monetizing on my writing, editing skills, and digital design skills.

I slept as still as the night, peace in my heart, content with the fact that I very well might spend the next few years in solitude.

I didn't remember that I gave my number to another gentleman (I'll refer to him as WC). Sometime before 2021 rolled in, I did. On January 24th, I received my first text from WC.

I'll spare all the insignificant details of our early conversations. What I will say is that on January 29th, we went on our first date, which was brunch at Tapas in Bloomfield.

And, my, oh my.

[findingmyselfat35]

I don't know where to really start. So, I guess I'll start with this: these shorts, I hope will help me find myself, again. I hope it helps me find my voice again. Find my happiness. Find love. Find comfort in healing and taking this journey by myself. Find a hobby, or hobbies for that matter. I'm writing this to find my inspiration. To find God. To find my purpose in life.

For a while I thought I had it all figured out. Hell, I lived in this state of ignorant bliss that all was well. I had a happy, albeit new, relationship. A fulfilling job (even though the pay was atrocious). For all intents and purposes, I enjoyed my care-free life.

After 1 year, swept into this new whirlwind relationship, I decided it was time to move in with my partner. Don't get me wrong, it was a great decision to make at the time. I truly believed I was right where I was supposed to be.

In my pursuit to finally connecting all the dots, and finally feeling like all the elements were falling into place, life threw me a curve ball.

In May, I discovered that I was cheated on. 2 months later, my OB/GYN called me to inform me that I needed emergency surgery to remove 4 jumbo grape-sized polyps on my uterus. Wonderful.

I experienced an extremely emotional summer - one that included me working countless hours, navigating a new space, new trust issues and deceptions with my partner, and doctors appointments to prep for surgery - I yearned for the fall to arrive. I needed the crisp air and the foliage because maybe, just maybe, I could finally start to feel normal again. I hoped that the puzzle would finally come together in the slowness of the autumn.

And so, I welcomed the fall season with open arms. Unbeknownst to me, peace would not meet me in the fall and in fact, it would be quite tumultuous.

[dylancornelius]

Discovering your Purpose & Finding my Purpose.

Discovering your Purpose leads to more freedom and happiness. It’s a journey that every person can take, and it begins with acknowledging what you already love to do. Call us: [phone] For more details: https://dylancornelius.com/