#finding17

[asamatterofactitsalldark]

I am always amazed by the physicality of sorrow of anguish

I have a lingering hole in my chest just between my ribs like someone is pressing on them with the back of His palm and I can feel the impact in my gut

This is also the only time I have a GUT this is the only sensation I associate with it

I have a special kind of pain and discomfort when I think about being 17 and it’s totally different from the sensation I get when I think about July 2014 or August 2015 or September 2015

I read my diary from then last night in a sort of clenched jaw haze my whole body was contracted and I had that GUT feeling

Cigarettes taste different also they are anxiety inducing they make my heart race and the smoke gets stuck in the lump in my throat

I rarely cry in these instances. Crying is not compatible with this kind of physicality. I’m comfortable with crying and I know how to do it. I have control over it.

[asamatterofactitsalldark]

there is something so tender about aging about growing old so to speak

maybe they are right (I still haven’t found out who THEY are) maybe a woman’a life actually starts at 30

I think I’m starting to enjoy cheese even if it’s not melted or gooey

I think my hair is starting to dry wavy

I feel so sure and confident in my agency

I feel so embodied

And for the first time in my life I think I don’t want to go back!

[asamatterofactitsalldark]

there isn’t much art I can’t consume

despite

I can still listen to Metallica after my father died I can still listen to Radiohead and all the songs that I have cried to I can still watch and read Lolita and listen to the soundtrack of only lovers left alive

but there is something quite strange that happens with placebo there is something I cannot control or allow myself to feel I’m not ready

my placebo years were brief but intense I listened to placebo when I was seventeen every morning when my boyfriend would come over before school started (he would skip his classes) for the sole purpose of having sex and I do mean it we were consumed by sex we were mesmerized fascinated glutinous we could not get enough

and we would listen to placebo

I do associate placebo with him but I have to go deeper in my analysis I can’t listen to placebo because I still can’t allow myself to cross that line to actually revel in my seventeen year old self my truest self my most curated self my most artificial self

it’s something sacred something saintly something beyond my comprehension

when I was 20 I went to a placebo concert it was awful I can barely remember it I went alone I was in a fight with my boyfriend (from that time and from the present and ever after) but I was missing an ex I felt so out of place I couldn’t wait for the concert to be over

it was such a mistake

like listening to placebo now

[asamatterofactitsalldark]

its incredible to feel alive

i feel so alive! I need to get a grip! Just listen:

- I came home from work, watched Connor on his late night debut

- ate some candy, took a nap in my tights, I looked like a gymnast

- woke up, stayed with my boyfriend in the dark, told me about his childhood

- had dinner at midnight

- watched Jules et Jim, what a revelation!

- read rpf fan fiction with Hudson and Connor next to my boyfriend

- had delicious sex at 4 am

- reluctantly went to sleep at almost 5 am

[asamatterofactitsalldark]

it’s all fun and games until I’m sucker punched right in the gut by a song I haven’t heard since I was 17

its fascinating even to me I am living and witnessing it at the same time I can literally feel my entire gut I can feel my throat I can feel my chest my heart my sternum

and it’s done

[asamatterofactitsalldark]

you know what I am gonna make a list for 2026 I want to be more

more sexual

more aroused more luscious hungrier wetter

more consumed by everything around me

sweeter meaner flirtier

touch my body more touch my boyfriends body more fuck more suck more kiss more

do more things that make me uncomfortable that make me scared praise discomfort

read more watch more European films

host more dinners cook more

compromise more

[asamatterofactitsalldark]

im experiencing something so cathartic so electric im experiencing the sublime and i cant help but write again

there is something so deeply feminine it makes me want to cry

just listen picture it

its 2 oclock in the morning im tucked in my blanket my hair smells like an ashtray its been making me nauseaus all day i sprayed some dry shampoo in it im in a fight with my boyfriend the same fight weve been having for the last almost 10 years there is something warm and confortable in it we do the steps like we know the coreography all too well im anxious but a normal amount im also hungover so i got my period yesterday its my heaviest day im doing what ive been doing ever since i can remember: im reblogging my newest obsession on tumblr in the dark ON THE COMPUTER ah what a thrill!

i am alone

i am ageless

i am a child i am a teenager

i am the same ive always been this person i know who i am

[asamatterofactitsalldark]

everything is so familiar in my bed

obsessing masturbating I don’t know what day it is

my grandma is sick I am hungover I’m fighting with my boyfriend like it’s Christmas mass everything is so familiar

I’m anxious I don’t feel anything nothing gets to me

my hands are shaking and I’m thinking the same familiar thoughts should I call him now or later is he calmer now

if I call later he will be calmer, but colder

my best friend is sick my best friend is somebody else

I check my phone every 10 minutes I hope he didn’t write anything check if he unfriended me I expect anything this is so familiar