Week 52, Day 358.
Wow, it’s officially been a year. I am experiencing a feeling of relief but also sheer terror. However, I did get my s**t somewhat together last week and finally submitted my confirmation review report! Now it’s only a two-week countdown until my actual review, eek. Not going to lie, I have completely burnt myself out doing this report, to the point that if someone asked me what my project is about I’d look at them dazed and respond with an intellectual “err, water and stuff”. I am beyond shattered. The long weekend away in the Forest of Dean has helped a smidgen, but I am still not fully recharged, at all. I have also been struggling with self doubt this last week; feeling like I am not good enough to be a PhD student. I know that every PhD student feels like that at times, but that doesn’t really comfort me. For one, I could not have written this report without the help of my supervisors. Secondly, if writing an 86 page report wore me out, how will I cope with a thesis?!?! What if I’m not clever enough to contribute something novel to the world? What if I’m not capable of withstanding the pressure of a PhD? etc. etc. I guess the one good thing is that I have never felt like I wanted to give up on this. I am also learning that I need a lot more rest than I’ve been giving myself if I am to survive this. Therefore, I have booked myself a holiday to Malaysia for a couple of weeks in October, for a proper break after my review! I haven’t had a proper holiday since June last year when I went away to Spain with a guy I was seeing at the time but who I ended things with prior to the trip; needless to say it didn’t feel like a holiday...
Talking of taking a break, as you can tell our long weekend away did indeed happen! My amazing mum volunteered to cat sit my poorly floof and came all the way from London to Sheffield to do so. This meant that I could actually relax. For those, like me, who have forgotten the meaning of the word:
Relax rɪˈlaks verb 1. to make or become less tense or anxious. We had a wonderful time stargazing, going on woodland walks, discovering cave systems, drinking wine, and generally enjoying each others company. I have included some photos at the end of the post. I would like to reiterate over the fact that I am extremely lucky with the support system that I have around me. At work I have my supervisors, who push me to be the best that I can be and guide me when I am losing faith. As for my personal life, I have incredibly loyal, fun, understanding, and caring friends all over the world. My family can be hit and miss sometimes, but will never let me down when I truly need them. I would need a separate post if I was to list all of the things that my partner does for me and brings to my life. And there is also my silly cat who brings more joy to my life than I can endure, and who has also almost fully recovered from his injury and is back to his normal derpy self. Thank you to all of you for keeping me going and acknowledging my strength. <3 Now I just need to re-balance my work/home life balance, have a cup of tea, lift my chin up, and keep going. Photos top to bottom: 1. A view of the forest of Dean. 2. The beautiful Coach House Annex we stayed in - 10/10 recommend - here’s the link: https://www.airbnb.co.uk/rooms/19974015?location=Penallt&adults=1&children=0&infants=0&s=_e3WmURw 3. Reunited with one of my best friends who I hadn’t seen for a year. 4. Buttons on his favourite bag, confused as to the presence of a new cat sitter who looks suspiciously like his owner, but older.
