There are going to be times when you are sad in front of your child, which is of course normal but I recently discovered how hard I try to not be upset in front of Ivy and I don’t really know why.
Yesterday I took my cats of Twelve years to Anna’s Rescue Centre, who I must say do an amazing job and really care for the cats they rescue and adopt. It was such a tough decision and One that I’m still not sure was the right decision. I’ve had both my cats since they were born and they’ve been through all my ups and downs with me, when I’ve been lonely they’ve been there for a cuddle, they’ve kept me company through all my sleepless nights and they’ve shown me affection when I’ve needed to know I am loved.
Additionally, I can’t deny that they have hated everyone except me, often thrown up on my carpet, cost me an arm and a leg in food and vet bills, and brought me numerous disgusting ‘gifts’ ranging from massive dragon flies, huge moths to baby birds, mice and even a rat once!
The latter paragraph being where they got their nickname ‘shitcats’ from basically anyone who met them! I loved them though, they were shit but they were mine! However, the level of Shitcats shit behaviour has been so much worse since Ivy came along and I’ve tried for a year, hoping they’d settle but the pissing in her cot and pram continued and crying really loudly outside her door the second I get her to sleep, and I just can’t deal with the stress anymore. I also can’t give them anywhere near the attention and love they want and deserve so I went to Anna’s Rescue centre to re-home them.
Ivy’s Dad took me and was unexpectedly waiting with Ivy and a big hug at the entrance rather than in the car when I came out, I was proper ugly crying, like big sobs and in an attempt to cheer me up and remind me why I had taken them there, he handed me Ivy to cuddle me!
That’s when I realised that I didn’t want her to see me upset, so I fake smiled and kissed her whilst the tears streamed down my face. I don’t really know why, I guess I feel like me being sad would make her sad and I don’t want that.
I remember when my Eldest sister passed away a few years ago and my other Sister said that she hadn’t cried because she couldn’t, she couldn’t break down in front of her kids and I didn’t really understand it until now. You don’t want to inflict pain on the little person/people that you love the most, you don’t want them to feel your sadness, you want them to see how happy they make you and you want to make them smile.
I couldn’t stop crying all of yesterday but it was secret and silent sobbing until Ivy’s bedtime. I know she has to experience different emotions but I’m just not ready to break her little hearts and flowers world yet. I want her beautiful little smile to be on her face as much as possible if I can help it!
