#fizul

[kachua-titli]

i know the answer tho?

since school i was ready to raise my hand whenever a question was asked, i was ready to raise my hand when someone was asked to read out loud, i was ready to raise my hand if someone was asked to write on the blackboard. i was always among the first to raise my hand whenever such activity was asked to be done - reason? i loved reading in front of the class, i loved answering questions about the topics the teacher just thought, i loved writing on the blackboard in front of the entire class. for some such activities were punishments 'you talk, you come in front of the class and speak' and other similar ones, but for me it was some kind of ecstacy i would deliberately get myself into such situations so the teacher would pick me, would try to raise my hand the quickest so the teacher would pick me.

since covid it's not the same anymore, even though i would voluntarily raise my hand to answer or read in college too but not as often as i would during my school time and eventually stop altogether - even though i know the answer i wouldn't. was the feeling not the same anymore? did i not like doing these activities in front of the class anymore? i did and i do still but what changed?

that's the answer i am not really sure of - but today i guess i got a glimpse of what younger me would've done and used to do so often. we are having an internship training program where they train us for internship all that stuff (it shit), today was our second session of the second phase (the first phase was last year) - the sessions are quite interactive, 45 students lumped together in a room possible of fitting 46 people, after every topic we all are questioned one-by-one and all are expected to answer, when starting sir asks if anyone is volunteering to go first and there are people who are quick to raise their hand, but not me even though i know the answer, i got the answer after the first explanation but i didn't raise my hand asked to answer, when my turn comes i answer, i don't stutter i answer but not voluntarily anymore - but today after the explanation as usual i understood and sir asked 'who wants to answer raise their hands they will be leaving early' - i did but it was not a concious decision i didn't mean to ofcourse i knew the answer but i wasn't planning to raise my hand but i did it was purely subconscious instinctual even - then he started questioning me i answered without a stutter every question i was quick i was happy, like i got to relive a fond memory of mine.

after the session we got on the bus and on the way home it got me thinking 'why am i not doing this anymore? am i afraid of being wrong? but i was never afraid of being wrong, do i not know the answer? but i do the answer, what really is holding me back from raising my hand? do i not pay attention anymore? but i can answer without paying attention just by having context clues that was like my thing.

since there isn't much time left college is about to end in around 2 months - will i be able to figure out? i don't know, will i try to raise my hand often now? i will for sure, but what am i chasing with this? the ecstasy? the feeling of everyone focusing on me once? proving that i know? i guess i'll never know about that.

[kachua-titli]

the comparing epidemic.

football is always interesting especially the young talents nowadays, whether people/fans downplay it by saying it's not because of yadda yadda this and that. whenever a young player breaks out they often get compared no matter what, doesn't matter what position they play, doesn't matter how old they are - if they make it to the first team and show some glances of what they can be the fans scour through the plethora of players and put them in comparison with them. recently it's getting out of reach no matter how big performances you have, no matter how consistently you are putting up those promising performances you are bound to be compared with lamine yamal, it's just how it is you make it to the first team, you put up some decent performances, you get some youtube highlights the very first comment you are going to see on any posts of you is going to be comparison with lamine yamal, it's bound to happen you cannot escape it.

the prime examples of these are lennart karl and estevao, lennart a promising young talent broke into the first team since musiala's absence due to his injury put up some decent performances in bundesliga and in the champions league aswell regardless to say a really good player with a promising career ahead, but what happens when he does all this - fans praise him for his technical abilities? fans appreciate his hardwork upfront while pressing? no. they compare him with lamine yamal - no matter where you go instagram, tiktok or youtube you will see videos/comments saying "better than yamal btw" - and i wonder what's the point? it's simple. nothing. there's no point in comparing these players (or any) fans have genuinely forgotten how to enjoy the sport, every other day you are compared, every other day you are scrutinized if you don't live up to the comparison they made.

fans have players like jamal musiala, jude bellingham, pedri etc etc the list goes on and this is just scratching the surface, there are so many exciting young players that are constantly putting up amazing performances at the top level and will continue to do so in the future and will also improve as they are not in their prime yet. why can't they just sit back and enjoy watching these players without putting them up against each other.

it is genuinely so absurd now that being so good doesn't get you anywhere in the end you are always to be compared with others. they compare past players with present players, they compare strikers with defensive midfielders, they compare a 20 year old with a 17 year old - it doesn't end.

and the pr stuff on the social media is ridiculous - like what do you mean that a player putting team-carrying performances week in week out and is not even nominated for balon dor because he didn't get enough shout outs on social media? what do you mean that a player who put his club and his country on his back since day 1 till the last day of the season is placed 5th because the club's fans decided to play favouritism and picked their starboy as the balon dor contender just

social media playing a huge part in individual awards rather than a player's individual performances throughout the season is stupid.

watch the player. enjoy the player.

watch the game. enjoy the game.

[kachua-titli]

[i want you to notice]

[kachua-titli]

joint family

since childhood i've lived in a joint family with all my father's brothers and grandparents living under the same roof, i was present for my youngest 2 uncles wedding, i've seen them quarrel with their spouses, i've seen their children grow up - being the oldest kid amongst all of the kids in my home was surely a different experience seen everybody being born and grow up right in front of your eyes.

whenever i introduced my cousins to anyone i always referred to them as my real siblings because i never knew the difference we all just lived together so they were my siblings.

every member of the family was before me and after me - i was always referred to as the eldest son of the eldest brother(my father) or eldest amongst the kids i never got to be just a elder sibling nor the eldest son these were just for namesake either i was too mature or too naive i can't make decisions with elders because i was young can't play with my younger siblings because i was the eldest never allowed to play outside because the influence will get to me but always expected to know everything.

it was never through me it was always around me.

as of now my family has 20 members - lives with the ones before me and grew up with the ones after me.

even though there have been lots of ups and downs we were still together, ate together, broke our fast together - but in recent years it's drifting apart we no longer eat together, break our fast together - we still live under the same roof but we don't share the same dastarkhan like we used too, don't sit in a common room where we used to watch tv together, don't wake up to smell of parathas anymore.

it's tough ( is it? ).

now one of my uncles will depart from this home him and his family will move on to a new place that they will call their home, his son (2nd eldest amongst all the siblings) was the closest to me since my childhood we had an age gap of 1.5 yrs same school, same tuition, same home but different upbringing but still together.

though the slow burn has numbed me enough to feel happy about them leaving this shitass place but still a part that i call family will be gone my first "brother" that i grew up with will be gone my uncle who i called abbu throughout my life will be gone my aunt who i called choti mom since i learned how to speak will be gone.

[kachua-titli]

glimpse of us is the sad song final boss

it might genuinely have a kill count, there is no song i have cried to more than glimpse of us. even for my 2nd saddest song (self control) it takes time to hit but glimpse of us nahhhh the second it starts my heart fucking drop. it is THE best joji song and i don't listen to it just for this reason. even when telling someone about joji i don't dare to utter this song's name and tell them it's my favourite joji song, i just keep it to myself. i've just kept this song for my lowest moment or to when i want to cry because it is inevitable for me to not cry when i am listening to it.

i tried using this song for a la la land x om shanti om edit but could barely decide what to do where because of this song playing in the background so i just added 2 clips and did a simple transition and uploaded it, couldn't do much more.

[kachua-titli]

made me despise it.

it's been years since we started going to a small gaming cafe not the one with fancy rgb lights and the latest consoles and games but a humble one inside a house with all the consoles lined up and connected to different different small tvs, the games are not new, they aren't even officially purchased - still they are fun to play.

we play fifa21 on an old ps4 there is eafc24 available but fifa21 is just better, the game mechanics, the teams, the graphics basically everything. it used to be really fun after college me and other 3 of my friends getting together and playing 2v2 against each other and it costs us just 40rs/hr which is really cheap and good compared to other gaming cafes. it was always fun i used to look forward to playing since we got together and played didn't really matter who won and who lost just played for the sake of fun - but it won't last long one of my friend suggested to play lp(loser's pay) because he was really confident that he would win and he played really good and all but it didn't matter because we weren't there to compete against each other it was just fun hangout spot of ours, because of him insisting one of our friend actually played with him and lost because he was good at the game then the friend that lost had a point to prove it was bound to happen they went back and forth a lot of times trying hard mostly the friend who suggested for this won because he is genuinely a tryhard (i fucking hate that) then another friend played a few times he lost too but i didn't because i wasn't there for this shit i just wanted to hangout and have fun that's all i didn't want to come after a stressful day and worry about that game if i am winning or not. soon it got worse the friend who first played lp with the friend who suggested started trying hard too but it wouldn't affect me much because i am not playing lp with him i am just at our usual hangout spot with him but as days went by even if they weren't playing lp they both played like a tryhard and it reflected when i played against him (i hated that) and i let go i wouldn't bother scoring anymore just pass the ball around if goes in the net good if not i don't mind then the friend who played lp and the friend who played a few times they started playing together a lot when we weren't there it started getting more serious they started shit talking this and that amongst each other then.

i usually used to team up with the friend who suggested lp and other 2 with themselves but when my teammate started shit talking i switched with guy who was there for fun too but as i said shit talking and all it got to him too he too started taking it seriously "pass the ball here, pass the ball there, arey yaar [signs of disappointment]" and that ruined my entire fucking mood - i come here after a hectic college day and i have to worry about a fucking game that we played for fun. i go absolutely non verbal during these times and recently it's getting worst my teammate just can't play right and other 2 tryhards fuckasses keep their mouth running and it ruins the entire fucking mood like just laugh and play.

when you both are losing not a SINGLE word is uttered by your mouth but as soon as you take the lead your annoying ass mouth just can't keep quiet for once - and it's not like they are tryhard they play good we lose so that's why i don't like it, i don't fucking care if you beat me 0-10 just have fun that's all i am fucking asking why do you have to be so locked in so have to tryhard that you have to be quiet or you would lose your focus and only talk when you are in the lead. please shut the fuck up.

i have stopped playing 1v1 with them because of how much fucking agitating it is that my 20/40 rs are going to waste just sitting there when a fuckass is trying hard to beat me.

yesterday was the last day i ever played with them, i thought going after so many days and the 4th guy (the friend who tryhards the least) was available let's go but these bitchasses had to ruin that too when we were in the lead no word no talk nothing as soon as they took the lead their fuckass mouth started running and khikhikhukhu and here my teammate is crying about how i didn't lass him the ball that one time when he completely ignored my players when they were on the run EVERYTIME.

even if i watch them play against each other 1v1 my blood boils while watching them tryhard when it used to be fun. i wish to bash my fucking head onto that tv, smash that console on my head and shove the controllers down my throat so it gets stuck there and i fucking die.

i can't anymore my money is getting wasted and they turned a chill, relaxing and fun time into a stressful game session that i can't fucking take anymore.