illuga and a reader who's crying. he doesn't know why. their back is to him, facing the window, letting the light show onto their face and illuminate their tear-tracked cheeks. illuga who gently hugs them from behind while pleasing with anyone who will listen for you to turn around and at least face him.
illuga who doesn't know how to help you because you never opened up to him. illuga who always feels left in the dark and helpless when your demons consume you. illuga who does his best to help but it's not enough.
reader and illuga who eventually broke up because of reader's undiagnosed problems.
(warnings for the below: reader is trying to jump off a ledge in the beginning but is stopped by illuga. you're asleep and illuga kisses your hand and your head and cries next to you. also its implied that the reader had an undiagnosed disorder that caused a lot of problems between illuga and reader but illuga didn't know about the disorder (which is unspecified). angsty. referenced nasty breakup)
When Illuga was dispatched to take care of the issue on the ledge, he never expected to find you.
Just like all those years ago, your back is to him again. Just like when you both used to be together, your shoulders are shaking. Just like the old days, his heart shatters into pieces at the sight.
The rain falls in harsh sheets all around you both but he doesn't care. He is only enraptured by the sight of you. He takes a step forward, another step, replicating the ones his younger self took towards you back when he thought that both of you would be together forever.
He hands it to you. He thought he was being stealthy.
No matter how much time and even distance has separated the both of you, you seem mostly the same. Your shoulders are more slumped. Your face is hidden in your hands. But Illuga knows that inside is probably the same person he fell in love with.
"It's over," you mumble, half to yourself. He takes steadying breaths, trying not to remember the sleepless nights and the muttering that would keep you both awake into the wee hours of the morning. Whenever you talked to yourself like that, it scared him. Whenever you'd get lost in your own head, he'd wonder what was going through it to make you so forlorn.
"Please step back from the ledge," he orders softly. His voice doesn't carry any old familiar sweetness, only the measured warmth that he used with people he didn't know. For all your time together he supposes he didn't ever truly know you, either.
"No," comes the response. He sighs internally. Of course.
"Please," he implores. "You can talk it out with someone. You don't have to do this."
He's not pleading. This is impersonal. He---he doesn't like you, he---
He still cares so much. He cares a lot about a lot of things but you are the one person he thinks he's cared about too much for his own good.)
"It's over now," you tell him, still facing the perilous plunge below. "I've messed up too much at this point. I can't go on like this."
Then, so quietly that he nearly misses it above the roaring wind and harsh rain, you add, "Without you."
"...You and I both know that I can't come back," Illuga says to you. He's not doing this again. He's not playing another long-winded game, not going to stand there helpless as the person he loves rots away in front of him. He's not going to put up with another round of the bullshit you put them both through. When he left you, he left you to collect yourself and hopefully become a better---
"I'm a terrible person. I...Look at me, it's raining and I managed to drag you all the way out here to deal with my bullshit again," you say. Your voice is beginning to become louder, shakier, thick with more tears. "I'm sorry, Illuga, I tried, I really did, but I couldn't---I couldn't---"
WIthout attempting to finish your sentence, you lurch forwards towards the ledge. In a flash, a Geo barrier has formed right in front of you, preventing you from going off. Illuga simply walks forward, placing one hand on your shoulder.
"You're coming back," he says, tone leaving no room for argument. "You're going to get warm, get changed, and then we can figure out where you're going to sleep for the night."
"I don't deserve that. Any of that."
Illuga's heart breaks even as his tone grows tighter with anger---anger at what? At the past? At you? At not being able to figure out what makes you like this?
"You're getting it anyway. C'mon."
It's only later when you're asleep in one of the beds at the Grand Mead Hall that Illuga finds himself lingering in your room.
He doesn't have any right to be here. He knows that. You and he are strangers now, driven apart by that wedge from all that time ago.
Yet here you are, in his care again, looking much worse for the wear. He's scared, he won't lie. He still loves you. He still hates you. He still wants you to be okay. He still wonders why you're like this, why time and time again you've hurt everyone around you.
He kneels beside the bed, admiring the way the gold light from his Oath Lantern illuminates the room and your sleeping features. Your hand finds its way into his.
His lips chastely brush over your knuckles, then linger there again, firmly. A moment later, Illuga has leaned forward and let his lips land on your forehead. He stays for a moment and another, simply inhaling your scent while his heart squeezes in his chest.
He still loves you. He wants to make sure you're okay. And he's not stupid; he knows you're blaming yourself.
He failed you, didn't he? His eyes roam over you, seeing the marks of wear and tear, of scars, of a body that's changed to reflect the worsening condition of the person inside it. He should never have left you. And yet the only thing he felt he could do at that point was to leave you.
"I'm sorry, darling," he says out loud to the room, voice choked with emotion. A moment later, his head is buried in the mattress next to your body, warm tears trickling down his cheeks and staining the soft fabric. His heart hurts. He loves you so much. He hates it all, hates everything...
His hand squeezes yours as his shoulders shake. You're not comforting him now. You never saw his tears. Isn't that unfair? Wasn't it unfair to demand to see your tears but hide his own?
He's scared, he's concerned---how the hell are you ever going to make it by yourself if the problems that drove you away from him are devouring you like this?
"Why?" he asks. The pain of the breakup swirls inside his chest and trickles out with each pearlescent droplet seeping from his eyes. His residual anger at you dissipates, leaving behind only the hurt. More than all, the sheer love that he feels that he has been trying to tamp down surges to the surface, threatening to break him apart at the seams.
How did it get to this? Does he even want any of it back?
When his knees start to hurt, Illuga shakily stands up, staggering and grabbing onto the headboard for support. You're still asleep, thank the gods. His breath hitches as he gathers his lantern and makes sure he didn't leave anything behind before pausing at the door.
He wants to give you one last kiss.
His hand lands on the doorknob, hesitant. Should he...no.
Illuga keeps his back turned as opens the door and locks it behind him. He steadily walks down the hallway, head high though the moon is high in the sky. He doesn't look back.
(edt 05/31/26: part 2 up here!)
