Okay so this was brought on by a conversation I had with @hyperactive-lectiophile about what might happen if Wally, being the genius chemist he is, the guy that recreated the exact conditions that gave Barry his abilities, decided to one day try and create something that would allow him to get drunk.
I'm not sure if this is what either of us originally had in mind, but this is how it went, Haha.
Pairing: Birdflash
Characters: Dick Grayson, Wally West, Roy Harper.
Wordcount: 3100+ ( I really hope the read more tag works! I'm sorry if it doesn't 😭)
Green eyes danced with excitement as Wally nodded to himself, looking over his notes for the formula one more time. Making sure all his ingredients were there and the measurements were correct. He didn't want to risk messing this up. One, the result of slowing down his metabolism enough for his experiment to work could be....well bad would be putting it mildly. And two, he really didn't want to have to try and explain to his friends and family his reasoning for wanting to try this. He was in college, it was just part of the experience, so why not?
Formula and ingredients confirmed, he set his list aside and reaching up with the other hand lowered his goggles over his eyes, an excited grin rapidly spreading across his face.
"This is going to be awesome!"
Several hours later
Dick chuckled, from his position upside down on the sofa, as Roy 'boo'd' at the screen, throwing a handful of popcorn alongside Garfield and Victor. They'd made it a challenge to throw popcorn at the screen everytime the villain was referred to as a monster, once it was said more than 6 times in the first 10 minutes. They were on their third bowl of popcorn already, and they were only halfway through.
He started when he felt his phone buzzing in his pocket, and reached for it. "Hey guys, pause this for a sec, will ya. Incoming phone call."
He waited a moment while Gar scrambled for the remote, quietly laughing when he answered, "Hello?"
"Hi, I'm sorry to be calling so late, but, is this Dick Grayson?"
Dick's eyes narrowed in suspicion, and he used his free hand to balance his weight as he kicked his legs and up into a one handed stand, before dropping his legs back to the floor and standing. "Not a problem man, and yup, that's me. Can I ask how you got this number though? It's not exactly advertised."
Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Victor already running a trace on the call.
"I have a rather drunk young man who dialed it for me, before he vanished back onto the dance floor."
Dick frowned. That didn't help.
"Drunk young man? Did they give you a name? What's he look like?"
If it wasn't for the fact that he was currently 4 months sober and sitting on the couch five feet from him, Dick would have immediately guessed Roy. But seeing his second best friend looking at him curiously from his cushion, that was ruled out.
His second thought was Jay. He knew his younger brother had a fake ID, a rebellious streak, and looked older than his 15 years. And thanks to a steady influx of good nutrition for 3 years, growth spurts and puberty had finally hit Jason. A fact that the second Robin was immensely pleased about.
Luckily Roy was on his same thought train and had his phone out, texting quickly, deft fingers flying over the screen.
"Not Jaybird. He's currently in Gotham chasing Penguin with DaddyBats."
Dick gave a silent thumbs up, mouthing back, 'Never call him that again,' and turned his attention back to the phone as the man on the other end started to speak. "No name, but he's tall, red hair, green eyes, and has more freckles than skin."
"That's Wal... wait, Wally's drunk!" Disbelief and fear sunk into the pit of everyone's stomachs at that exclamation.
"As a skunk." The bartender sighed over the line, frustration and empathy clear in his next words. "Look I don't care if you think I'm wrong, or pranking, or whatever, but you need to come collect your friend before I call the cops."
"Don't." Was Dick's panicked reply. He was already leaping over the back of the couch, Roy right behind him, as Garfield and Victor headed for the monitor room, to try and see if they could retrace their friends steps. See who had gotten to him. "I'm on my way. Where's your bar located?"
[[MORE]]
Dick and Roy pull up outside a small bar in New Yorks west end about 30 minutes later. Both jumped out of the car hurrying towards the entrance, hoping their friend was still contained within. They did not want to figure out the logistics behind how they were going to catch and then contain a drunk speedster if he'd managed to escape.
A bouncer met them at the door, holding a hand up to halt the line that was waiting, and waved the pair through.
"They gots him holed up in one of the back rooms. I'll show ya where."
"Thank you!" Dick didn't bother to hide how relieved he was over that, as he and Roy ducked under the burly man's arm and into the bar.
"He hasn't caused any trouble has he?" Roy asked, raising his voice to be heard over the heavy bass and loud chatter that always seemed to fill up places like this. He kept his hands stuffed into the pockets of his leather jacket, left hand spinning and twirling the sobriety chip he kept there.
"Nah, a little handsy, but more...friendly than trying for somethin' if you get my meanin'."
Dick nodded, a fond smile wiping away his worry for a moment. "Yeah, Walls always been a bit clingy."
As they followed the doorman through the bar, Dick nudged Roy's shoulder, raising a dark brow in a silent question.
Roy grinned back, giving a thumbs up, and pulling his chip out of his pocket briefly before replacing it.
Dick smiled back and threw an arm around his friends shoulder, giving him a quick, but heartfelt hug, before dropping his arm back to his side.
He appreciated Roy coming with him, knowing how hard this had to be for him. Especially after everything he'd been through to get to where he was now.
Roy nodded before tapping the shoulder of the bouncer gaining his attention. "So did anyone see anybody slip him something? Was he talkin' to anyone? Get in any fights?"
The man shook his head as he led then through a side door, opening into a well lit, empty hallway. "Not that anyone seen or mentioned. Boss asked around, just in case, ya know? Guy just came in, alone, sat his skinny ass at the bar, and started drinkin'." He let the door fall shut behind them, and the cacophony from the bar floor was cut in half, allowing them to speak without yelling. "Checked his tab, guys had 4 beer and about 5 shots of whiskey. I'm surprised he ain't passed out yet."
"Wally's always been a bit of a heavyweight when it comes to drinking." Dick lied easily as his mind tried to make sense of everything.
Wally's metabolism didn't allow for him to get drunk.
They tried one night after a bad mission.
Dick had had the worst hangover in his life to that point, Roy hadn't woken up until the following evening, and Wally acted as if he hadn't polished off a bottle of vodka on his own.
He ran a hand through his hair, tugging at the strands in frustration. He'd just have to ask Wally what'd happened. Once they got him somewhere safe to sober up.
"I'll say. Haven't seen anyone put the drink away like that in a long time. Anyway second door on the left." He jabbed a thumb over his shoulder, indicating which door to go through. "We left one of our girls in there with him, make sure he stayed put. Send her back out will you"
"Will do."
"Good. You can take him out the back door there. The boss said you squared up with him already."
"Yeah, sent him cash on the drive over. Thanks again for not calling the cops."
"Guy was harmless enough. If alla our drunks were like him, they wouldn't need us, so we don't mind bein' nice nows and again. "
He waved as he walked back out into the bar, the sound echoing down the empty hall before cutting off again once the door closed.
Roy clapped him on the shoulder once before making his way towards the aforementioned door. "Well let's go get your speedster and get the hell outta here."
"Right."
The sight that greeted Dick and Roy had the red head chuckling, hiding a laugh behind his hand. The poor waitress looked bored out of her mind, as Wally waxed poetic about something, hand motions and open expressions being thrown everywhere.
The waitress looked up as they entered, eyes zeroing in on Dick as he stepped in behind Roy.
"Well hey there, sugar," she turned back to Wally tapping his knee and pointing over his shoulder. "Here's your big chance. Nothing like some liquid courage to help love along right?"
Both men gave her a confused look, but didn't get a chance to question her, because at that exact moment, Wally looked over his shoulder and spotted them.
"Roy! Dickie!"
"Hey there Wall-oof!" Dick grunted as he suddenly had an armful of a very happily drunk redhead, face buried into his neck, giggles being muffled into his shoulder. He looked over at Roy, only to scowl when he found the other man with his phone out, recording everything.
"Thanks Harper, super helpful." He pat's Wally's head, sighing as the man continues to giggle into his neck.
"Anytime Dickie, happy to help."
The scraping of chair legs across cement brings their attention back to the waitress as she stands, smoothing her skirt down her legs. "Well you boys seem to have him well in hand." She walked over to where the three stood in the door way, hips swaying gently as she approached the door. She twisted between them and as she passed gave Dick a small smile and a giggled, "Good luck," before slipping out the door.
"What was that about?"
Roy shrugged, turning his phone back to Dick, grinning as the younger man scowled at him. "Who knows. Come on wonder-boy, let's get him outta here."
"Fine." Dick sighed before he poked Wally's forehead, trying to get the taller man to raise his head. "Hey Walls, come on man. Let's get you home okay. "
He felt Wally nod agaisnt his shoulder before he stiffened and stood straight, looking down at Dick like he just remembered he was there.
"Dick?"
"Yeah...Wally you okay, man?"
The taller man nodded, head bobbing wildly, like a bobble head in the middle of a high speed chase.
"Uh-huh, but...Dick, Dickie, I gotta tell you something real quick!"
"Okay, but can it wait until we get you outside? You're drunk and that shouldn't be possible."
He ignored Roy's snickering next to him as Wally seemed to become even more nervous and agitated. "Nope, it's important!"
"Okay, okay Wally. What is it?"
Wally took a deep breath and squeezed his eyes shut, as if waiting for a punch to the face. "I...I have a really big crush on you!"
Roy slapped a hand over his mouth, shoulders twitching and the hand holding his phone shaking, as he tried to contain his laughter.
Dick could feel his own lips start to twitch as he stared at Wally. He gripped the red heads shoulder, shaking him lightly. He waited until Wally cracked one eye open to look at him before saying, "Walls, we're dating."
"We are!!?!"
"Yes, we have been for the last two years."
"Oh... that's good then."
Wally seemed a little lost after that, unsure of what to do or say, now that his proclamation wasn't as climactic as he'd apparently been hoping for.
Dick reached up and ran a hand through Wally's hair, getting his attention. "Wally. Do you remember how you got here?"
Wally tilted his head, partially because he seemed confused, but he was also chasing the feeling of Dick's fingers in his hair. "Mmm, walked."
Dick smiled at the slightly dopey look on his face. "That's good, do you remember if anyone gave you anything on the way here, or before?"
"No one gave m'anythin'. Oh well the guy at the bar gave me my drinks...is that what you meant?"
"No, baby, you're drunk." Dick smiled a bit through his worry at the way Wally's face was crinkled up in thought. Trying to put his usually sharp mind into some kind of order. "You can't get drunk, remember, so we're trying to see if someone-"
"I can get drunk! Or I can now."
"What?" His question was echoed by Roy, who was for some reason still recording this who debacle.
And Wally grinned, clearly proud of himself. " I made a form...formu... I made something to help me get drunk!"
Roy was back to laughing and Dick could feel a tightness forming between his eyes.
"That's, that's great, Wally. Why don't you tell us all about it in the car on the way home, okay?"
"Okay!"
Roy held the door open as Dick, with a hand at the small of Wally's back guided him through it, keeping a hand raised ready to catch him if he tripped.
Which he did.
Several times as the alcohol was finally making itself fully known, affecting the speedsters ability to walk upright.
Dick sighed as he caught Wally's arm, keeping him from tripping into the alley wall as the exited outv the back of the bar.
He tossed an annoyed look at Roy, as he pulled Wally's arm over his shoulder, sinking a bit as Wally rested most of his weight on him. "You gonna help, Harper? Or just play Scorsese for the rest of the night?"
Roy just grinned as he zoomed in on the cross look on his friend's face, ignoring the excellent impression of bat glare he was recieving. It's affect lessened by the fact that Wally was now poking at Dick's cheek, giggling softly to himself.
"You seem to have everything under control. Besides," he turned his phone to focus on Wally now, taking in the flush on his cheeks and the haze in normally bright green eyes. "You know he'd be upset if this wasn't recorded so he could study it later."
Dick was silent as he finally got both of Wally's feet moving in the same direction, and led him towards the car. He groaned and let his head drop. "Dammit, you're right."
"I'm always right, Grayson. When are you just gonna give in and accept it?"
"When pigs fly...or if Raven ever says yes to go on a date with Garfield."
"Ouch. Words hurt, ya know." But Roy's smiling when he finally turns off the phone and steps up to Wally's free side taking his other arm.
Dick laughs and tugs Wally's arm further over his shoulder, sighing a bit as Roy takes some of his taller boyfriends weight. "Zip it and help me get him in the car."
Roy laughed at the scene playing out in the back seat, from his position behind the wheel. His phone propped up on the dash, recording once again. It was partially because he knew Wally would want the data, but also in part because he knew they'd never get to see Wally like this again, and it was adorable. He wished he'd been recording when they'd reached the car. It had taken Dick crawling in first and dragging the drunk redhead in after him, but they had finally gotten him into the vehicle
Once in the car, face tucked back into Dick's shoulder, Wally had seemed to slip into a semi-conscious state and alternated between nodding off and talking their ears off about formulas, melted beakers, and burnt tables.
"Although, that was technically because of a leaking hose, and not because I'd miscalculated."
"That's good, sweetheart." Dick just nodded along as Wally muttered into his shirt, fingers still carding through red hair as he listened.
Wally had just taken a breath to start in on something else when he went absolutely still.
"Wally what's wrong?"
"Oh God..."
"Wal? You gonna be sick?"
"We're dating?"
Roy watched the look of confused hurt flash across Dick's face in the rearview mirror, and started reaching for the phone.
"Yes? Wally, what-"
"I'm dating Batman's kid!" Wally's voice went up several octaves. "Batman is gonna kill me!"
Roy had to pull over he was laughing so hard, and he could hear Dick groaning a laugh as Wally continued to panic.
"Wally, babe, B isn't going to kill you."
"You don't know that!" He was sitting up, straddling Dick's waist, staring down at him in horror.
"Two years, Wally." Dick sat up and cradled Wally's face in his hands, kissing his forehead. "Don't you think, if he was going to kill you, he'd of done it by now?"
"That's just what he wants you to think! He's...he's a master of disintegration!"
Dick blinked up at him in confusion for a moment, "You mean deception?"
Wally nodded, "Yes, that! He's lulling me into a false sense of security!"
Roy managed to get his laughter under control enough to gasp out. "Bats don't kill."
Instead of easing Wally's fears that seemed to make it worse.
"You're right... he'll do something worse!"
Roy couldn't breathe he was laughing so hard, and he could hear Dick echoing him in the back seat, their combined laughter not quite drowning out Wally's ramblings as he came up with wilder and wilder things that Batman was going to do to him for dating his son.
Dick's laughter slowly faded as he saw how worked up and upset Wally was becoming. So he sat up fully and grabbed the back of his panicking boyfriend's neck, and pulled him into a brief kiss.
It worked and Wally's ramblings faded off.
"Dick?" Wally rested his forehead against Dick's when they finally pulled apart.
"Wally West, I love you with every fiber of my soul and I can promise you two things. "
Wally stared at him in awe, nodding his head.
"One, Bruce is not going to kill you, break your legs, sell you to Luthor for experimentation, or anything else. And two," he paused here for a moment, shifting his hand from his neck, to the side of his face, making sure Wally was looking right at him. "You are never, ever, ever drinking again. Got it?"
Wally nodded enthusiastically, head bobbing. "Got it!"
