endearing | nj
▶ summary: Namjoon almost rarely feels insecure, but there’s something you did that made him feel like he wasn’t your go-to guy, and it made him jealous.
“How does it feels like...?”
“What.”
“To be the reason behind someone’s ultimate happiness?”
Namjoon heard the rustlings through the hallway outside from his home office and saw you dragging the vacuum to the living room while he is scrolling down his phone in black long sleeves and messy hair. The air-conditioner is turned off and the doorbell rang.
“Coming—“ He heard you left the vacuum nozzle behind and fast footsteps down the doorway to the main door. He imagined you peeking through the peephole and opened the door when you deem it’s safe. “Mr. Kim Namjoon?” The mailer politely asked. A little hesitant and unsure but delivers it well. “I’m the wife...” you said, smiling at him. Your oversized t-shirt had your collarbone on peep display and you had your hair tied lazily in a bun.
“Namjoon...” you called, and he delivered a short but weighty, “Yeah?”
“Did you ordered something from WTAPS?” You raised your voice a little, enquiring him since you want to make sure that he did purchased the item that is being delivered to him. “Yes I did...” he answered, barely heard, but as matter-of-factly. You handed the digital pen back to the deliverymen and send him on his way.
The box isn’t very big or very heavy. You carried it without a problem, to his office where he sat on his chair by his desk, sniffing. Sliding the box next to his keyboard, you placed your palm on his forehead as he looked up intently while you squinted your eyes to justify whether he is getting better or not. He gulped nervously while waiting for your jurisdiction.
“Not as warm as I thought it would be... but not good enough to send you back to work. Are you hungry?” You sat on one butt and crossed your arm while you tip your eye down his pretty little fingers as he gathered the box to be on his lap. You handed him scissors before he asked for one.
He shook his head along with his shoulders. A cute habit you find very endearing for some reason. Gee, love does make someone stupid. His lower lips jutted out while he spread the scissor blades apart and dug it on the lines hovering over the cellophane tape.
“Look at how excited you are,” you smiled and hoisted yourself off of his desk, and grabbed his chin up to face you, so you could give a rough peck on the lips. Namjoon didn’t seem to be bothered by it, at all, because you usually do this. You started gathering his books, laying around the office and stack them on top each other as you spoke, “I’m going to bring you a warm red bean paste filled bun when I come home later.” Namjoon gets occupied with the box as you tidied up his office.
Namjoon took out the plastic containing the jacket he ordered, from the box. “...come home from where?” His voice sounds nasally, and throaty, it breaks your heart to hear him having to speak at this condition. But you were more disturbed by the fact that he didn’t remember. You glanced over your shoulder at him, go on tipping toe and placed a book back in its respective position on his wall renovated to be book shelves, and furrowed your brows but pressing a smile as you say, “Out with Seokjin, to choose Taehyung’s birthday present, sweetie, I told you about it yesterday...”
Namjoon caught the tiniest annoyance in your tone but refuses to let them beading more in his judgements so he passed, dryly, “Oh. I forgot.” It’s rather difficult to stay optimistic when he knows Seokjin had been spending too much time with you. The other week, you both had lunch together. Without him.
Namjoon knew that you were there at the building and you didn’t pay a visit to his studio when you usually do. Honestly, it was not a big deal? Namjoon taught himself. He was always thinking that it would be nice if you would spend time with his close friends, but this was too much. When Seokjin mentioned that he spent a day with your female cousin, he was already sensing that you’ve probably taken the freedom and space he had given to you, rather too infinitely.
The moment Seokjin revealed to him an info he himself as a husband weren’t well-versed in, Namjoon felt much betrayed. Namjoon knows you had step siblings. But that day Seokjin finished vocal training and leisured around Namjoon’s studio, to mindlessly telling him—your husband, to relay a message, “I would really want to ask her to seek law advice when it comes to this. At this point, I’m afraid for her...”
To which Namjoon winced, “Tell her that yourself,” he was facing away from Seokjin, avoiding eye contact so he and his emotions can subside better. “I’m trying, but I couldn’t get through, to her phone...it keeps saying that it’s not in service,” Seokjin frowns at his phone before tipping his head back, slapping his knee. A loud, “Ah!” came out from his mouth, “She did mention she was going to a spa today, how could I forget.” Seokjin chuckled and smiled fondly to his phone, typing a new message saying that he’s sorry for forgetting.
She didn’t tell me she was going to the spa. Namjoon clenched his jaws.
Namjoon caught Seokjin’s reflection from the metallic toy figure he had on one of his speakers. The smile on Seokjin’s face irritates him to a certain degree. Seokjin stood up abruptly and told him he was leaving and reminded Namjoon to deliver that message to you. Namjoon came home to an empty house. So he sat with his thoughts for about an hour or so.
His mind drifts back to when Seokjin sat with Jimin in the lounge sharing a pudding, Namjoon stood eaves-dropping by the racks. “And her father told her, that if her older step siblings come over and asked her for the land gerund, here’s what she had to do... and I told her, you’ll need a lawyer for that. So I gave her a phone number...” Seokjin slurps on the pudding while Jimin exhales, “Wow she really had it tough. And all we see whenever she’s around, is how carefree she is. I can’t believe she’s going through all that shit alone. Glad she has Namjoon-hyung around.” Seokjin agreed aggressively. “I mean how can those people ask her father to pay the 10K debts that they make, they are all old enough to make their own money...why pester her and her father?” Seokjin sounded very angry. And it humbles Namjoon.
Seokjin knew all this and he, a husband, didn’t? It’s unfathomable. And who is to be blamed for this? Why haven’t you tell him all this? Were you waiting for a good time to? Why did you hide all this from him? Why does Seokjin get to have this part of you? Why even Jimin knows this?
Why not me?
He thought about it so hard that he gotten ill for it. He came down with a fever in a middle of the night last night, so you turned the air-conditioner down low, tuck extra blankets on his side, woke up at 2.30AM to make him a warm honey lemon tea for him to take. He couldn’t move and he was shedding cold beads of sweats on his forehead and halfway down his face. You had to rub your hand up and down his arm, resting your forehead in between his shoulder blades, just so he could stop shaking. The next morning you called Seokjin to inform that he won’t be able to come to work when the truth was you forced him to rest and took his phone away while he was still weak. “Are you serious right now, Namjoon... I don’t want to scold you but you’re very unfit to work and you’re telling me that you’re okay? I’m sorry, BigHit won’t collapse to ashes just because you missed a day or two. Lie down.” You strictly pressed your palm down the middle of his chest.
“I have a few more tracks to go...” he mumbled weakly, lips pale and chapped, his palm, cold and the rest of his body is extremely warm. There’s really no stopping him, is there?
“I’ll let you work from home. Where I can make sure you aren’t dying. I haven’t used my annual leaves and I’m using it for this emergency.” You shot and Namjoon blinks away to the view of the curtain, knowing that there’s nothing he could say to make you change your mind.
“I can’t believe you overworked yourself,” you stomped out of the room and Namjoon lay in bed on his back, resting his wrist on his forehead, feeling the heat, emitting from his body like he was set on fire. Half of the day is gone and he finally found the strength to move his heavy body to the chair when you were doing the laundries. You brought the basket and walked past his open door. Slightly relieved that he left the door open so you can observe how he was doing. He almost always worked with the doors closed. It helps him concentrate more but he understood that you would hate that, so he didn’t. Something about your concerns about him makes him feel good about himself. That’s something he doesn’t like to share with anyone else—your attentions.
You noticed he moved from the bed so you unravelled the bedsheets and changed to a clean one. It’s essential to keep the bed sheets regularly changed, especially when someone fell sick. It was also a habit your mother had when you were younger. “Call me if you need anything...” you sang at him, passing by the door for a bit before going inside the laundry room, and threw all the bed sheets into the washing machine before taking out a vacuum.
Namjoon answered with a groggy, “Yes.”
With his half drunken honey lemon tea left on the desk, you took the mug away when he was reaching for it. “It’s cold. I’ll get you a new warm one and don’t let it sit. It brings you no good if it’s cold, Namjoon, please listen to me.” You hummed softly and disappeared. Namjoon rested his head to the desk that’s pounding out of context, arms dangling, his nose runny but no liquid is expelled, his entire body still aches even after consuming a painkiller and there’s heat all over his eyes area, making him feel impeccably miserable. It felt like he had been hit by a lorry and survived.
If this illness had come to this extent because all he did was overthink about you and your relationship with Seokjin, he’ll have to say something about it. He would have to let it leave his guts. He’ll have to voice it out. Only then, he’ll feel better.
Question is, how should he do that without sounding too harsh and possibly ignite another unwanted fight?
You came back with a new mug and warm tea. This time you placed a plate of cookies next to it and set them within his reach, before taking the WTAPS hoodie that he purchased and fold them in your arms. “...is this for Taehyung?” You asked and patted it twice, gently. Namjoon nodded once, clearing his throat while skimming his eyes over an article he was reading, on his PC. “Knowing Taehyung’s style, I wonder if he’ll be okay with something cheaper. That boy has a very expensive taste. This costs quite a lot too, right?” You asked. “Taehyung would be grateful for anything, really.” Namjoon’s croaky voice will need some getting used to. It’s like you’re speaking to a desert monster. The thought made you giggle. A cute desert monster.
Then, this monster called your name, gently. “Hmm?” You replied.
Namjoon beckoned you to come closer when he himself stood up and made you sit on his chair and him, cross legged on the floor so he looks up at you. His large hand covered both your knees as he spun the chair so you face him.
Then his hands fall in his lap, while his eyes shot up at you. “What’s happening, sweetie?” You smiled affectionately, drinking in his entire face and beautiful soul with your eyes. “You know I love you right? You’re everything to me...you take care of me, my food, my clothes, etc. etc...” Namjoon swayed his head to either side, as he speaks. Simply dazzling. “Namjoon,” you blinked at him. And by the looks in your eye, you knew that he’s beating around the bushes. You hoped that, with a stern call of his name, he would stop, and tell you straight what he’s been thinking about.
Namjoon inhales and exhales deeply as if he’s preparing himself to drop a bomb. “It’s about Seokjin.”
Your gaze fell to your fingers in your lap, knotting the together, just as you thoughts begins to the same. “He knows things I don’t. He speaks about stuff I know you should be telling me and not him...You tell him you’re going to the spa, you didn’t tell me that. I want to have surprise lunch with you too. I want to know about your family affairs. I want to—I just, I want to be a part of it. A part of you. I want to be included...too.” He blinks twice, eyes fidgeting to the sides as if he’s made a mistake or uncertain if he made the right choice of words.
Your hand extended to caress the side of his face, affectionately. Hoping that emotions you feel for him exudes through the touches. He clasp his hand over yours, and moved your hand to his lips to kiss your inner palm. “Sweetie...” you whispered. “I just don’t want to trouble you. You have your duties. You’re piled with work, I’ll only be an inconvenience to you... I never thought that you would feel... left-out...” you sighed.
“Please trouble me. Please continue to be an inconvenience to me. When we agreed to do this, when we agreed to marry, we promised to be each other’s strength and driving force. And we were doing so well, but I got busy and you thought I won’t give you attention when you need it and it just got to this point where—,” he pauses and just by a glance, you know he didn’t have to finish his sentence for you to understand what he meant, so he quipped, “But don’t give Seokjin, my job. You can talk to me about anything... I’ve talked to you about stars and constellations at 4AM—all my bullshit and nonsense, and you’ve embraced every each of it without a complaining one bit... so why won’t you let me do the same to you?” He sneezes. Very loudly.
You hurried to grab a tissue box and handed one to him. “My poor sweet baby angel,” you murmured, “I’m starting to think that you got sick because you’re jealous.” You chuckled. He opens his mouth to say something only sneeze again. “I am.” He sniffed, voice all nasally from the nose block. “This step sibling thing...” he started.
You held your tongue and told him that maybe, you’ll tell him after he gets well. It’s a lot of information to process. Egos, emotional turbulence, court callings, etc. It’s just too much for Namjoon’s poor health. But you know that you have to be careful. Taking too long to tell Namjoon the whole lot will bring up uncertainties and doubts in him, and the conversation you have today, will repeat itself. You told him to stay in bed until you get home from the outing with Seokjin. You promised him some red bean paste filled bun when you get home, so he held on every word.
“It’ll be short.” You smacked his lips with another kiss while his hand sliding down your hips, butt and thigh. He stayed laying on his side hugging his favourite Ryan plushie on one side of the bed. He had painkillers, puts on his colourful rainbow socks, and a book, nearby him in case he got bored. You took his phone away with you, “I’m taking this with me. Stay put. Use the house phone to call me, here.” You placed it next to his TV remote control. “I love you. Rest well. And I’ll be home as quick as I can.”
Namjoon nodded, bundled up in thick blankets, warm and fuzzy. Only his eyes were peeping through. He mumbled something but you couldn’t hear him so you pulled the blanket down a bit, just passing his lower lip. He groggily said,
“Can you keep me close,
Can you love me, most?”
Seokjin had probably reached here already but you took a moment to sit by the bed, your hand on the edge, drowning in Namjoon’s puffy blanket while he gaze to you, intently. You giggled and glanced down to the tip of his nose, “How does it feel like?”
He asked, “What?”
You murmur, and placed your face closer to his, “To be the reason behind someone’s ultimate happiness?”
Namjoon’s hand appeared from the depth of the blanket, to you, to fix the bang of your hair with the tip of his index finger, muttering, “I could ask you the same thing.” He gave a dimply smile that you simply couldn’t resist kissing.
You love Namjoon the most. The most endearing creature in the universe.