Hey guys! I’ve finally finished the Ikea AU I promised you last week. I know, I know, I said I’d post it on Friday, and it was technically finished, but then I realised it wasn’t in English. I’ve spent my free times on the weekend translating it. I’m not very good in English yet, so if you see any grammar mistake please tell me.
PLAYGROUND
Summary: The Warden, the Champion and the Inquisitor go on a trip to buy some things they need for their new house. The problem? Mahariel seems to have a problem with... the jumping heaven.
Background (this is a fic’s fic): Skadi (aka the Warden) has returned from her research on "the Cure", and after a reunion with the Heroes of Thedas, she decides to share her house in Denerim with the Rutherford-Lavellan and the Hawke. But first, they need to get some furniture in! The Hawke have currently two children, Cullen and the ex-Inquisitor another two. Aaaand my Mahariel and Alistair have a kid too (Yes, they're not supposed to, but this is fanfiction! Let me have some hope for them to build a family T.T), but he isn't mentioned here.
Words: 2755 (fewer than expected)
AO3 link
“What is this place?”
Eira snickered to herself. Despite having some years on their backs, the Warden-Commander took everything with the joy of the children, especially when there was something new to discover. It had to be unusual for someone like her that there were still new things to see, after all her travels around Thedas. The ex-Inquisitor felt her chest swell with pride.
“When the remodeling in Skyhold began, at the beginning we bought the furniture here to save some money.” she tried to explain “As you left before your house in Denerim was finished, it’s nearly empty, so… Well, I thought this would be a good way to start over.”
“I wonder how many Vigil’s Keep fit in here…”
Her voice got lost in the immensity of the entrance. IKEA, that was the name. Located in a building as big as the Royal Palace on the outskirts of Denerim, a merchant of the Free Marches opened some years ago a big furniture and home decor store. It wasn’t only in Ferelden, there were shops in Orlais, Nevarra and Wycome, besides the Rivain’s project. She couldn’t deny she knew the company, but she had been so focused on her research that never had time for those things.
People from all races were coming through the main door they had just left behind and were heading to the stairs and the first floor. It wasn’t too crowded, being midweek. From what Eira had told her, Saturdays were the worst days, as many people had the free time to spend there.
The tour began with the showroom, and once the restaurant was reached -and a surprise no one would tell her-, down to the markethall. That was where each and every single object a house needed to be alive were. From crockery and boxes to organize an office to sheets, cauldrons for potions and… carpets! Her cheeks turned pink as she began making little jumps out of excitement. Why couldn’t they begin right away?
“Pardon the delay!” someone said behind them “Malcom had a little mum crisis.
Evie and Anders Hawke, the ones that were missing, navigated through the people until they could get to them out of breath. The three women joined in a warm embrace once the human recovered; Anders saluted Skadi with a respectful bow.
“Is everyone ready?” Eira asked. The other elf agreed heartily.
With a nod, two men got up of a close bench and approached the little group with a resigned sigh. Anyone would think they were brothers. Both of them were blond, tall and broad-shouldered, with numerous scars from past battles showing where the clothes didn’t cover the skin. The youngest, though it was difficult to distinguish each other, wrapped an arm around his wife’s waist and draw her to him. His face shrank in a puzzled frown.
“Wait a minute” his hand went down touched something over the green kimono she was wearing “Snowball, have you brought a dagger?”
“Dagger? What dagger?” she tried to look innocent without much success “Why not?”
“That’s what those lockers are for.” her face was so funny he couldn’t help pet her head comforting.
“Really? I thought they’re for children.” a stranger shot her a shocked look “Just kidding!”
“Actually, there’s playground under the stair well.” Anders said “We could have left the kids there.”
The glance Evie sent him served both as an answer and menace. The Champion was like a mother bear protecting her cubs from outsiders. The last thing she would do was precisely putting them in a place full of weird kids and feet stink. Anders raised his hands begging for peace.
“You’ve heard Alistair” Cullen’s voice was so close to her ear that Eira jumped surprised.
“Hawke has brought them too!” she accused her, though the ex-commander didn’t care “They’re for security.”
“Yeah, Curly!” Skadi told him off “At least we haven’t brought the bows.”
Cullen ran a hand across his face. He didn’t even bother asking how someone who haven’t meet Varric knew about the nickname. Leliana must have been, or Eira herself. Either way, he wasn’t sure he liked that one of the people he most admired called him like that. He was the first to head to the stairs, followed closely by the others.
Alistair’s hug tightened as they went up, until when they finally arrived he was sure Skadi wouldn’t escape. He knew her, he knew her very well. His wife was one of those kids who loved going on adventures without much thinking and left a trail worse than hurricanes. Sometimes he wondered, of what Ashalle told him when she was said girl, how they didn’t tie her to an aravel. Ironically her modus operandi had changed drastically when he needed her more to be that way. The short elf complained when she realized what he was doing.
“Commander, I’m afraid this isn’t an amusement park” Anders said the softest way he could.
“I know, I know! But there are so many things…” the Warden sighed, and looked at the king “You could have asked for a private shopping day. You needn’t to wear those sunglasses if you had.”
“A king asking for a “private shopping day” to furnish the house of his illegal wife where she’ll live with another two families?”
“And guests” Evie helped him finish.
“I’ve seen worse.” Cullen reassured him “Josephine once reserved Empress Celene’s tailor to make us some uniforms, and she’s not even close to royal.
Everyone agreed, though two of them didn’t know who they were talking about. The Hawke leaded the group for now. In the end, as the Dalish had guaranteed them, the house would be more theirs than for the others.
Alistair had hushed a lot of people so the Hero could spend most of the time with him in the Palace, and the Rutherford-Lavellan had Cullen’s old familiar house as a backup. But them… They had nowhere to go. Varric did the impossible to keep the Amell’s house in Hightown in good condition for when it was safe for them to return. Unfortunately, the house was one of the first that were destroyed after the burst of the Mage-Templar War. A group of rebel Templars burnt it to ashes disobeying their Knight Commander’s orders. Cullen still hadn’t stopped apologizing to Evie since they met in Skyhold.
Each one with their own reasons, that was a gift from all of them, a home where they would find the haven they deserved. Anything they were buying or planning to today it was their decision. If they wanted to hang orlesian silk curtains in the living and the bath was made of nevarran marble, no one would rebuke them.
---
They took their time weighing the different styles they were seeing in each showroom. Without noticing, and despite having lived many years in Kirkwall, almost everything they were writing on the order list had a Fereldan resemble. The coffee tables, sideboards and shelves were sturdy like the people of that kingdom, while the sofas and armchairs were lighter as the Dalish hammocks.
For the library, Evie was inspired by the dense vault she found in the depths of Skyhold, close to the cellar where Varric stole some of Dorian’s bottles “without him knowing”. Those tall bookcases full of volumes bound in leather had seemed like a dream, if it weren’t for the webs. She inherited her reading passion from her mother, same as Bethany. She was eager to show it to her; she should call her and see how she was doing.
The room for potions, medicines and magic in general was left to Anders, as he was the only one who would take advantage of it. He would need a lot of storage, almost as if it was a kitchen; also shelves without many frills and a workbench resistant to casual explosions.
The armory was Cullen’s issue. Although all of them, except Anders and his older daughter Talia, carried weapons and used them constantly, the ex-Commander was the only one with sense to arrange the space so it would be easy to use, clean and share. Each one of them would have their own section with chests, individual wardrobes and armour supports.
So far everything had been easy. Skadi was still processing what she was seeing, unable to adapt to each exhibition with that fast pace Evie had imposed. On the other hand, Eira and Cullen were taking it as a calm walk and time without the children. Of course it wasn’t a place appropriate for dates, but they wouldn’t miss the chance. That must have been the first time they could spend alone, so to say, after the Inquisition was disbanded. A little time in which to think for them and nobody would find it selfish.
The problem came when the bedroom area appeared around the corner. If Alistair had managed to hold her back from not climbing on the sofas and having tea parties in each dining, now he could do nothing. The eyes of the Hero sparkled dangerously, wandering on the “Try me!” signs. So that was the surprise… Almost charging batteries in each little pounce she was making, she sneaked out of his arm and went up to the nearest bed. She began jumping in a mess of laughter and pointy ears showing under her hair.
“Skadi, get down!” Alistair hurried her, though he was more than willing to follow her.
“Come on!” she whined “Drop that crown of yours and have some fun! Like the old days!”
Cullen sighed a few meters behind, counting the seconds for his wife to join her. It would have been easier if we had told her before as they did with Eira on her first time. Despite he couldn’t compare them, Lavellan was far less impulsive and gave a short second thought before doing something. That didn’t mean she wasn’t spontaneous, but in a lesser degree.
But Eira’s blood was boiling. She was eager to jump with her, so high like when Dorian casted a levitation spell on her and floated over the courtyard, much to Josie and Viv’s disapproval. She pulled the shirt of her husband almost shyly, as if afraid he would scold her for being too childish. Cullen looked to the two elves for a couple of seconds before smiling and offered to keep her shoes.
Meanwhile, Skadi had been bouncing from one bed to another eluding Alistair with true mastery. She squealed happily when Eira went up on the first mattress, and she sent her a welcome filled with feathers. Skadi batted the pillow treacherously to Eira, who nearly avoided the hit with a blow with her good hand. The pillow shoot off to the side with so much strength that hit Cullen and threw him on a chair. The cheeks of the elf blushed while the other one bursted out laughing.
Now it only missed one to complete the trio. Eira, already recovered, nodded from afar as if she had read her mind, and turned to Hawke before jumping again.
“Hey, Evie!” shouted the ex-Inquisitor “You should join us too!”
“I think I’ll pass this time.” she smiled. Some might think she felt excluded with the bond the two Dalish had, but in truth she saw herself more like an older sister when all three were together.
“Haha!” Skadi’s laughter got cut for a second while she dodged the king “Sucks to be you!”
They weren’t sure who she was referring to, but they didn’t care. Anders recalled that time when Evie and Isabella hanged from the ceiling light. They were celebrating something he couldn’t remember, but they were swinging so hard Bodahn thought they would break it. The dwarf must had been the only one sober.
Hawke gave him a soft blow in the shoulder to bring him down to earth. They had to hurry before they got kicked out for bad behaviour. They headed to the end of the section, where there were some unpainted wooden beds that looked pretty nice. Even so, Anders didn’t lose sight of the elves, ready to assist them if they fell bad and got an arm dislocated.
Close to the Hawke, one of the employees greeted the manager. He quickly told him what happened, and how he didn’t dare to approach them. The manager didn’t blame him. It was difficult for a freshman to know how to deal with those situations. Usually it was just an hyperactive kid who made a scene, not a couple of middle-aged elves. He armed himself with patience, and the security’s phone number, when he recognized the only man left standing. He saw him taking off his sunglasses and appear under them the face of the king of Ferelden.
“That’s what you wanted.” he warned the elf closest to him.
He took off his shoes with a single shake and pounced over his wife. Trapped below his heavy body, Mahariel struggled to get rid of him. But Alistair brought up his ultimate weapon, that terrible skill that if it had been actually useful, it could have ended the Fifth Blight in just one day. A hand slipped through her side and pressed in a well-known spot. Skadi shook filled with a ticklish wave that run down her spine. Her legs darted away here and there at the same time the freedom went in crescendo. It didn’t care how much she punched him or choked in her howls, Alistair wouldn’t step aside.
Cullen and Eira looked each other. They didn’t know of those two, but for them the tickling… always leaded to more intimate things. Their cheeks flushed abruptly and turned away as fast. Lavellan run to the two wrestlers in Skadi’s rescue; the Commander moved out of the way to cool down the arousal he was suddenly feeling. He found a bed quite similar to the one they had in Skyhold. A bit of nostalgia was never a bad thing, so he wrote down the code to search it after on the self-serving area.
Two were too much for him, so Alistair accepted the defeat and got up. It made no sense wearing the sunglasses back, if it had ever had one, but he was concerned about his messed up appearance. Without know exactly how, they managed to almost take off his shirt and unbutton his jeans; his trunks were showing too much. They continued fooling around without realizing the enemy had escaped, until Evie got close to them and told them they were going to keep going.
“Elfies, we’re going ahead. Don’t linger too much, alright?”
“Noo, mommy wait!” the Warden said trying to buy some time “You have to try this one! Is so comfortable I could stay here the whoole day!” Skadi’s exquisite napping instinct had given the mattress the nod, and wanted that Evie did the same.
“I’m so used to sleep in hotels that I can’t imagine having my own bed.” Eira grabbed her and pulled her down “Omph!” she needed a moment to find the right position “Andraste’s ass, it’s true!”
Evie moved her arms and legs as if she was making a snow angel, almost throwing out the Dalish of the bed. If it weren’t for the people still around, they would have crawled under the duvet and would be sleeping a pre-lunch nap.
“Guys, you must note this mattress down.”
“Hawke, we can’t all have the same-” said Cullen next to her, but they pulled him too “Wow, you’re right.”
“See?” Eira smirked while she curled up with him “It’s been tickled-tested!”
---
It was almost over. They had lunched, had went downstairs and spent the afternoon leaving the shelves of the markethall empty. They even managed to avoid Skadi swinging on the pergolas in the garden section or Anders breaking three mirrors whenever he saw Justice’s reflection on them.
Evie sometimes looked at the chock-full carts with skepticism. Aside from Alistair, none of them had enough money to pay all that now, and they were too tired to negotiate a deferred payment. They should have made a first scouting trip and go more times instead of clean everything out in one sitting. She was utterly surprised when Cullen brought up his card and paid for all. She didn’t see the card was Skadi’s, as they agreed sneakily a few days ago.
The day ended up in their newly-built three-seat grey sofa. They were exhausted, but they were happy.
They would have their private tickling session another day.