Bed
I have a very close relationship with God. I always say I am a poor “christian” but when it comes to God and, what he wants me to do, there’s no waits or buts. Often enough people hear me talking about Him or saying how “God doesn’t like ugly”; let’s be honest He doesn’t. A few months back after praying for a long while, I felt God tell me I had to walk away from a bad situation. At first I fought it, cause HELLO! I am me after all. Then, I asked for confirmation and waited. No need to say I got that and more than I had bargained for. For someone as I, who lives with anxiety and depression it became too much. I was shook to my soul because He had guided me there. When it was time to abort ship, I became very distraught; but I still did it. I was mad as hell, but I did.
After a few days, I wanted to go back to it. I was even mad at God (I know!) but I was willing to skirt around it if I could. Then by proxy of someone else, a video came to me which changed my mind and life. At first, I couldn’t believe what I was seeing, then I was very angry. I even made the mistake of speaking up about my distress and how I felt about it. The other person who I spoke to was ruthless. Letting me know how my input or views didn’t matter or was appreciated since I had vacated the spot. The friendship and trust I had in the person was completely broken, after many years of knowing each other. That’s when I realized there’s no respect to seek, because there was none to begin with. At that very moment all the chips felt in to place. When you ignore the signs for so long and the blinders fall, you are left to face with all the damage and havoc left in its wake. I was no longer angry at the situation, I was angry with myself for wasting years of my life.
In a burst of fury I attacked my bed. Why? It had sheets and covers the person had given me for christmas a few months before. Let me rewind a little, just a month before, I have had hand surgery; ‘til the day of today my hand throbs. Now I have filled you in on the detail, let me keep going with the story. I turned the sheets and everything on it in to shreds! I was so angry I don’t remember the whole thing to be honest. But in a blink of an eye, I had shreds of sheets at my feet, my hand was bleeding and very sore. That’s when I began to cry. I just felt on my knees and cried for a few hours. All the pain, fears and instability weighing me down came bubbling up my soul and poured out my eyes. My soul was shattered weighing me down a good score. For the first time in years, I was uncertain on what to do. Days passed and for the life of me, I couldn’t remember what I had done or conversations I had. All I remember doing was torturing myself replaying the video over and over on my cell phone. Then someone unexpected came to my life, an old friend of 20+ years who came in to town for a few days. One look at me told him all he had to know. Once he got me talking, I told him all the truths with the good and the bad. He wasn’t angry or judgemental. When I finished he concentrated on how I managed it and the why. He reminded me of who I am and how I’ve always been. After the talk, I felt like I was waking up from a very long nap. Odd how a talk with a person who matters, can change your life in an instant, huh?
Anywho, it’d been 2 weeks when someone I know came to me with gossip. I wasn’t really listening, I was politely staring at the person but in my own world. Then she said a name which snapped me back to reality. From then on, I paid attention but, I kept my face blank, I didn’t want to betray myself. If someone comes with gossip about someone else, you know the person is going to gossip about you once your back is turned. She told me how the other person was struggling and, had heard was sick. Once I was alone again I was in despair. I am ashamed to admit, I cried all the way home. All I wanted to do was run to the person and, see if I could help in anyway. When I got home, I found myself crying and, praying. I asked God for forgiveness for being angry, for holding on to grudges and, I pleaded for the other person’s life. I asked Him to please overlook me and to find the other person and help in anyway possible. For 2 days I kept on in prayer, asking God for salvation and forgiveness. On the 3rd day, I felt light, something in my chest, the same spot where it had been hollow and empty, felt like something again. I honestly don’t know what it means, today is the 4th day. I find myself smiling and actually meaning it. It’s scary but I feel joy, it’s been a long time since I’ve felt so carefree.
Today I had a long talk with my teenage daughter. She asked me about the person. I relayed the same gossip I had heard just a few days before. I found myself admitting about the crying and praying which had taken place. She asked me why I wasn’t reaching out. The answer which came out of my lips surprised even me. I said, I have given the matter to God, it’s the best I can do. I can’t reach out, it’s better for me to stay away than getting hurt again by the person. After I thought about it, the words rang with truth and I felt comfort with my reality. Once I got home and walked into my room I was faced with my undone bed. I must confess, I never remade it since I shredded the sheets. For the first time in months, I felt the conviction of making my bed once again. I know my therapist will have some big meaning about the step I’ve taken. But all I know is, I finally feel like I can live in my own skin.
