#for jenn

[anniebibananie]

game of thrones au | podrick & sansa college RA’s au

↳The knock on her dorm door was soft, cautious, and she rolled her eyes as she went to open it. Podrick stood there in a loose t-shirt, slightly wild hair, a body twitching with clearly too much coffee. The sight of him alone was comforting.

“Hi,” she said, smiling softly as she stepped through and closed the door behind herself. 

“You ready to do floor checks?” he asked, hands stuffed in his pockets. 

She nodded. It was a Wednesday night, so she hoped it would be an easy enough walk through, though it was hard to predict anything. Through the doors they passed, Sansa could hear a mixture of sounds—music, laughter, televisions. All the sounds of life. 

Sansa liked the moments when her residents opened their doors best because it was fun to get glimpses into their actual lives. It never failed to surprise her a little how many lives were happening all at once and all around her, and how she held some sense of responsibility for them. 

“We’ll be on duty for another few hours,” Podrick began. “Do you want to do some homework together?”

“Sure,” she agreed. When she turned to look at him, there was a small smile playing at his features that warmed her heart. She wondered why he was always surprised, why he thought she would say no to him ever when some times conversation-less homework with him was the best part of her week. “But I’m picking the music this time.” 

He rolled his eyes. “My taste is not that bad.” 

She laughed. “It is. It really is, Pod.” Her laughter was light, and his was full, and together it filled the empty halls of the dormitory hallway with a slight echo. 

happy birthday, @wholesomeholsom!!

[mobmode]

my wife: *says smth completely incomprehensible or stupid* me: oh? im in love with you??? oh im in love with you and im going to love you with all of my being????

[almost-always-eventually-right]

[sweetzeldabee]

Goddess in sequoia

[jeffsaturslay]

you and I used to just fucking get it. we had the same takes. it was always wait until its over and analyze every single interaction together. what did it mean about them, about where they were from, what mental illness they had, what did they think of us? we were always armchair diagnosing everyone. meet someone once then spend 3 hours discussing their possible backstory and personality. i loved it. it was phenomenal. we were judgy of others while never having any judgement toward each others judgement or half baked takes. it was pure trust and loyalty brought to such a silly pass time. I miss you so god damn much. if we hung out with a group for 8 hours best believe the debrief would be days long. One hour? at least 3. the conversation would be long over and then we'd be going back without preamble hours, days later, saying "and also..." again and again. and you were always so fucking right. and you always agreed with me and yes and-ed everything. or at least a "or wait what about this". never a lack of response that leaves me feeling like judgemental or wrong, always more to add and validate. no one will ever get me like you. i love you so god damn much. you were the peak of friendship. I'm so glad i had you but feel the loss endlessly. not even my real blood sister is on the same page as we were. what a privilege to have someone who knows you that well. I dont think I'll ever be whole now that you're gone.

[ivebeenmade]

Warning! Mentions of suicidality!!!

Warning! TW suicidal talk

I need to remember this. It's maybe the most vile thing she has done.

We fought last night. We fought because *I* didn't get any help from the doctor in town for the chronic pain. I now clearly have degenerative disc disease, and yet because I have bad teeth, asking for a short term solution made them turn me away like a drug addict and criminal. They even had a special person I never see come out like a bouncer.

It's her fault anyway. She was shouting at me on the phone when I went to the desc and complained that this person left me in a room for AN HOUR while they supposedly conferenced with my regular doctor on the phone.

They hadn't spoken to her. At all. Meanwhile, while I waited for the desk to get in touch, she was screaming at ME on the phone. I told her repeatedly that people could hear her and were reacting to her screaming. She said "take me off speaker then dumbass". She wasn't on it.

Later that evening, after she sped off instead of bringing me back to work which would now only be an hour instead of the 2½ish I was expecting it to be, she stormed off. But not before threatening to tell the police I was going to kill our dog (purposely wtf!). She had just said that she felt suicidal, and wanted to take the dog with her. Her game has always been this thing about driving into a river or a pole or something. So I told her, considering her very recent threat, absolutely not.

She was gone for the night, but didn't stop texting me with threats and things to try to guilt me with.

The last straw for me, though, was the fact that she left and came back at one point. Between that we had a phone call. I could hear her mother (where she is staying) in the background talking to someone and doing dishes.

She was talking about how she was gonna frame me for stuff, and her mom heard how evil I am over the phone. I said yeah, because you said fucked up shit and then called me, over and over, until I answered. Of course I sounded mad.

She said this like it was a real threat. We are both almost 40.

Anyway, I said yeah, you came out, said horrible stuff in text, and then sat with her while I was on speaker.

She denied it. I said I could hear her mom doing the dishes. She said "yeah because I'M DEAF AS YOU KNOW so I was in my room with the phone on speaker".

I asked "so I could hear your mom doing dishes because I was on speaker? That makes no sense. Speaker mode is for YOU, it isn't meant to do anything to help me hear better."

Quite literally, she replies "I didn't say that, what the fuck is wrong with you?". Her eyes looked panicked.

I told her to cut it out. Stop lying like that. It's cruel, and foolish. I told her she just made herself look very dumb. Not nice? No, but neither is holding someone hostage for 5 hours. She repeatedly denied it, even started screaming that I'm stupid and I don't know anything about devices.

I'm the one of the two of us that connects cables and sets up new devices. You know, couple roles? The one that does the TV set-up and the one that panics when it takes a long time to work.

So I wanted this down. It's for my therapist really. I don't know what the fuck to do. She's coming over soon. Most days she is right there the moment I'm up, or she wakes me up. Today, she just told me she had been up for a while, with her mom hanging out.

I don't believe her, and she never ignores me this long. Last night she said something about "making me feel lonely" to "teach me a lesson". When I reminded her I'm the one that does well alone, even begs for 5 or 10 minutes alone, she started grinning. Told me she meant by "taking everything away" from me. Yeah...again?

I'm not backing off. This is not 2 people struggling. This time, this is one person being hideous to another. And I don't know how long I can take it. I want out now. I really do.

I think this is the first that I felt this way. It's just as bad as all the other things I've been feeling because of her.

[ivebeenmade]

Today is the worst. And it's not getting better. We play like it does. We're still here. We're still her & I.

But I think I understand where a good part of the problems come from. I used to be the one who was "ok" or "fine". Maybe not normal or functional as the majority would call it. But I was...able bodied. Hopeful. Helpful.

Now I've found out I'm physically and mentally not ok. Pretty damn terrible actually.

I know. I know. I know she resents these facts. She says she's angry that I didn't get help with any of my health earlier. But it's not that. I just can't believe it's that when she also spent years saying things like "you wouldn't understand, you don't have problems like this". Or if I related to someone else saying anything about depression, or pain, or struggling...I distinctly remember saying stuff like 'it's just like that/they're so spot on' and her replying with something like 'how would you know?' But then other times getting into screaming matches because I wasn't going to therapy.

It took me a long time to say this to her, and I still hate saying it now. Because it's worthless. But I pushed and pushed through waking nightmares because I knew she was dealing with disabilities and mental health. And yeah all that is very serious and I have and always will be worried about her. And put her first.

She thinks that because I now have some serious diagnoses, I am sidelining her in my head. That I'm forgetting or not caring about her problems anymore. But she won't listen, won't hear, that all I'm trying to do is find every possible way of getting better as quickly as possible. Because I never went for help in the past because I knew it was a can of worms. I knew I was holding back a storm so I made myself someone that wasn't. I guess I should have known why that was so easy.

She liked that person. She keeps saying it. She's waiting for the person she actually likes and loves to come back. She says almost mockingly (definitely angrily-spitefully-hatefully) 'who are you?' I am no different. Well, there's more of me. But they all try to be me.

And part of me has died. I have felt it. I see it. I know. We all know. And the worst thing is that I don't know if that death took the parts she's missing. I'm so scared it did.

It's the second death in here. As far as I know. The little girl. Well, she was on her way to not so little. But it was too much. She never came back.

Then there was the one that was ok. That could work and socialise and manage things. I don't know where the hell that person is. But I think I know.

I'm always so tired. She still excites me. She still makes me feel more than anything this goddamn meatsuit is prepared for.

We just cry now. And the option to make it better-to make it over with- is always there.

The dog makes me feel so guilty. He loves and needs me. He looks at me just such a way when I'm alone and the crying is silent and disconnected from the thoughts I'm having. And he sits on my feet and he rolls his head back and looks up at me...

Of course I would feel guilty for leaving her too. If I wasn't so sure that she's better without me.

Life is still occasionally bringing little good days. Little good moments. There's some films I don't want to die not seeing. There's a lot I'd want in place to take care of her before I would really go.

And I'm a coward. I guess that's the most positive thing I have to say.

It's hard. There's no such thing as an easy way. Nothing that doesn't give even a split second of second guessing. And I guess that's good enough for now.

But I am in so much pain. Fuck the physical. I don't know how to even grasp the gravity of how much pain I'm in.