It's been hitting badly for a little while now. I don't know how to shake it. Never have.
It comes at all the wrong times. A good talk pops up. I engage with enthusiasm. Somewhere in the air in the pause for even a breath, it breathes through me. Fills me with a desperation but nothing to run from, no battle to prepare for. Not even a simple task to be tended to.
I can't speak then. Can't move. The dread, the clenching teeth, my own last breath lingers as a possibility. It doesn't seem far off. The worst part is when I look at them, they're not there. In my eyes maybe, but every other sense says "all is lost".
Just like that. No solution, no trial to win. Just everything gone. And then me alone. With it.
I should be using the glimmers of good things, beloved things, to keep it at bay. But it takes them.
At night, in the whir of fans and the thick cold air, I scream. Like someone not quite human. In the dark of the store, locked in, alone, double, triple checking everything is done. I need to scream. To wail. It's maybe one of the few things that gives me a moment of release.
But it still waits. It sits with me at night, until my body finally gives in. And I feel it there sometimes.
I want my life back. Sometimes I can't even remember when I didn't feel this way. Maybe I never have.
She's made moments so beautiful and perfect it had to lay down somewhere it couldn't touch me. Freddie gives me so much joy, so many moments of it.
I feel like I'm losing time. I feel like I'm losing everything. Sometimes.
