I live for Loid gaslighting himself into the fact that he doesn’t think of himself as a husband and a dad. I mean, you can’t deny that he obviously thinks of them as his family, and he continuously has to cover his feelings with “it’s for the mission” to make himself feel better about getting attached.
This look that he gives Anya? There’s nobody even around to see it. He’s not putting on a show for anybody, and here he’s just Twilight. That is a look of love— you can’t convince me otherwise.
In Vino Duplicitas: The Rise & Fall of a Wine Forger Extraordinaire (2017), by Peter Hellman
File Under: Forgers
I saw one review that labeled this "A Wine Thriller," so let's get one thing straight off the bat: This is not a thriller. This book is boring. Though, to be fair, it's not that it's dry (ha! that's a wine pun!). It's just that there's too much of it. It just really should have been an article; there isn't really enough to the narrative itself to justify making a whole book out of it.
But, at the same time, this book has probably sparked more discussion in the Slabdash household than anything else I've reviewed. It has some really great passages describing the point of view of the victims of the scam and what it is that they say is so terrible about the particular crime of wine forgery. And the author makes no secret about being a connoisseur and wine reviewer himself, so he's setting this all forth as a more or less true believer in the art of wine. And then he sets all of this against the story itself: A story of a man who forges the world's most expensive wines by mixing lesser wines together to get something that tastes sometimes exactly like the supposedly rare and unique vintage he's mimicking -- and who then sells these forgeries to the kind of people who can drop hundreds of thousands of dollars on something they'll either blow at one tasting with their millionaire friends or stick in a cellar to be proud of and never do anybody any good. And so, he somewhat unintentionally turns it into a fantastic ethical and aesthetic question:
Who the hell cares?
What is the crime, really? What makes the wine unique, what are the buyers truly paying for and what is he truly cheating them out of? And if you think you've answered that question to your satisfaction, next ask yourself (or your family members at dinner): Would you feel different if it was a piece of visual art he was forging?
I haven't even come up with hard answers to these questions myself, I don't know that they need to have hard answers, they're more of fascinating thought experiments that gradually circle around and try to pin down what I really think about the value of art, and of what counts as crime, and why, and what the appropriate response is. You can go so many directions from there.
Also, for full disclosure I should probably acknowledge that my palate is that of a chicken nuggets and mac n cheese autistic, and even when I drank, all I could tell you about a wine was whether it was white (yummy) or red (yucky). Which adds another layer to my personal reflection: Would I be less critical about this if this were an art form I was at all capable of understanding?
If you're intrigued, maybe what you should do is start with Patrick Radden Keefe's article on the Jefferson Bottles, which is a) shorter, and b) conveniently linked for free right here. If you like that enough to want more on the subject, then maybe check this book out from the library and promise yourself that it is okay to skim over the boring narrative parts with all the lists of vintages and prices and auction dates, and focus on the themes and the big question of what it means and whether it matters at all.
Spy x Family: For the Mission (M/M, Digestion, WG)
When you were “Loid” Forger, there was never a dull day. Not when you were at the top of your field as an agent for Westalian Intelligence. The young man was never one to deny a mission including the one that he was currently undertaking. Who’d have guessed posing as a father and husband would have been more complicated than perhaps disguising himself and breaching enemy territory? But what made Operation Strix even more complicated had to definitely be the neighbors. Loid could not afford making any of the neighbors suspicious. So, to avoid the accusations of “being a bad father,” he took his pretend wife and adopted daughter to the aquarium. Yes, that sort of familial trip would make him look normal.
The fake family head to Ostania to attend the capital’s aquarium the Berlint Aqualand. Before he could relax and play along, he became alert again when he saw the same neighbors from the apartment also attending the festivities. But he was lucky that his “wife” Yor was more interested in interacting with them. At least he could slip away without anyone’s prying eyes seeing him leave.
While Yor chatted with the neighbors, Loid decided to buy some coffee and orange juice. Heading towards the confectionary stand, the blonde-haired man went to withdraw some money when the elderly woman running the stand starts to directly speak to him.
“Ah, Agent Twilight, it is good that you are here.”
Loid looked behind him to ensure no one was within hearing distance before looking back at the woman annoyed. “I’m sorry, I can’t accept this assignment at this time.”
He had hoped that saying this would deter the woman, but she continued on as if she was unaware that he had said something. “Our intel has informed us there is reason to believe that a terrorist group is transferring a chemical weapon in this facility.”
Loid again ignored the woman turning his interest over to the beverages. “I just want coffee and orange juice.”
“If you do not accept this mission, there could be great casualties here.”
The secret agent wanted to continue to probe for the coffee and orange juice, but the older woman was still ignoring his order. Sighing, he relents and learns that the chemical weapon was dispensed inside a microfilm that was fed to one of the penguins.
“Good luck, Agent Twilight,” the woman said. Before Loid could at the very least get his coffee and orange juice, the woman vanished into thin air stand and all. Well, that was just great, Loid thought to himself. He was not only given another mission when he was already exhausted, but now he would never get his beverages.
But since he was given the intel that it was primarily a penguin that was carrying the film, Loid quickly took control of the situation and suggested that he and his neighbors all go to Penguin Peak. No one objected, which was great, but the bigger obstacle was figuring out which penguin it was. Fortunately for him, his daughter, Anya, happened to have telepathic abilities due to her being the result of a human experiment. She could read his thoughts and secretly scanned the penguins for any oddities.
“Daddy,” Anya said.
Loid, still deep in the zone, looked at his daughter. He could see that he was pointing to one of the penguins who happened to be drinking a large amount of water despite gagging. This was most likely the bird he was looking for, but he couldn’t help but sometimes be curious with how his daughter has seeming omniscience when it came to something like this. He shook his suspicions out of his head as he still had a mission to fulfill.
However, to do that, he had to blend in with the trainers.
“Alright, newbie,” the lead penguin trainer droned out, “take a few minutes to become situated with the animals before you come out.”
The young newbie nodded to his loud-mouthed superior and headed towards his locker. It was his first day on the job. He had loved penguins all his life and decided to take classes to better learn about the anatomy of these flightless birds. He had passed his interview well enough, but he was always the type of person who would carry note cards for memorizing purposes. After all, the aquarium had well over a hundred penguins and it wasn’t like he could remember their names in ten seconds.
He read off a few cards containing the names of the penguins for a few minutes. There was still that lingering doubt in his soul that things could end terribly for him, but his determination fueled him. After reading the front and back of the cards in what appeared to be an eternity, he returned the cards to a plastic bag of his and slipped them in his locker. Every trainer had a mirror attached to the back of the locker door. He inhaled deeply before forcing the air back out through his mouth.
“You can do this. You have devoted your entire life to this.”
He says his self-reassuring words over and over until he felt pumped up enough. With renewed vigor, he slams the locker door...but is suddenly grabbed.
“What the!?”
A gloved hand covers his mouth to keep him from screaming for help. The assailant then had him in a choke hold. He struggled and squirmed underneath that stronghold, but the older man maintained his grip on the younger man. He must have had years of experience given how thick his bicep was. The air flowing to his lungs began to slack. The more he was being held in that position his face turned first blue then a dark violet. He was slipping away. Fast.
Eventually, the assailant took his arm away freeing the newbie’s neck. The air returned to his lungs, but in a slow haze. Before he could consider running, the older man held his shoulders in a tight grip. His vision, while blurry, was still adequate. From his limited sight, he could see that his attacker had short blonde hair and cold, blue eyes.
“I’m on a mission right now which means I have to take your place. Sorry in advance.”
“Wha?”
CHOMP
The newbie’s head disappeared into the darkness of Loid’s mouth. His tongue twirled around and sampled every orifice of the younger man’s face. This was actually not the first time that Loid had to administer this kind of procedure: it was actually taught by him during the war and it served as a good way for him to dispose of enemies. In two minutes flat, the older man slurped his way up the newbie’s abdomen.
Naturally the newbie was unimpressed and struggled as hard as he could. He screamed out in fear but Loid’s heavy slurping, combined with all the tugging, drowned out the echoes of the newbie’s screams. The increasing strain of the heavy meal caused the hem of his shirt roll up exposing some of his rock-solid abdominal muscles.
Ulp , ulp , ulp , ulp.
The newbie’s screaming face pressed against the walls of Loid’s stomach creating a bulge to stretch his outer skin. Loid moaned at the sensation of having fresh meat throb around inside of him, but he couldn’t dare to pleasure himself and get caught with the new guy half-way into his gullet.
The young man thrashed around the fleshy membrane but his blows were absorbed. Gone from the bright light and familiarity, the world was now pitch black and humid accompanied by the internal heartbeat of his assailant. Every squelch rang in his ears.
Loid lifted his prey with his free hands and grabbed the man’s pelvis and chomped on it. For someone who was meh as a meal, the spy could appreciate the plumpness of his food’s hips. Wrestling his hips inside of his maw, his invasive tongue slid on the newbie’s exposed rear eliciting a yelp from him. Loid’s hard abs began to smoothen over because of the additions to his girth.
Slurp slurp.
The newbie’s midsection bulged out of the secret agent’s neck and slid past his chest. Loid curled his tongue around the newbie’s back legs. His prey tried kicking the man several times, but his blows were ineffective and instead spurred the man on. Grunting, Loid sealed the newbie’s toes inside of his mouth. Clenching the sides of his moving globe, Loid’s eyes squinted shut and heaved. The last of his meal squished down his esophagus and the entrance of his stomach opened to welcome him.
He was surrounded by the incessant sounds of the stomach’s drones and the squishy sounds of his body slipping and sliding off the walls. Loid sighed in relief that the worst was over and trudged his way to a bench and plopped down. The buttons on his shirt gave way and sprang across the room with the fullness of his meal reaching its limit.
“HELP!!”
Loid’s belly wobbled around with the indents of his meal vibrating around. The blonde-haired man winced and clenched his teeth. “I should have sedated you first.”
The walls pressed and ground against the man’s body secreting juices to break him down. Again, and again the walls clamped down on the man sandwiching him and lubricating his skin with acid. It sent chills down his spine with the sensation of a growing pain coursing through his veins. Having done this numerous times, Loid kept some air in his stomach to give the illusion that there was nothing in his stomach.
The newbie’s skin was far gentler than the grizzled older gentleman. If the situations were reversed, it would take about two days at best for the acid to corrode through his tough exterior. But the newbie was melting like butter. It helped that his energy was being zapped away making him exhausted.
Loid pried himself off the bench and returned to the man’s locker. Looking through it, he steals the newbie’s uniform. After all, it was not like he’d need it where he’s going. It was a hassle to slip into the outfit thanks to his food baby, but he managed it. Before leaving the room, a building pressure rose from the bottom of his stomach and bolted from his throat. The newbie’s shirt planted itself on the surface of Loid’s engorged belly covered with spit.
He nestled his belly. The newbie was losing definition. Quickly. Loid knew the man was weak, but even the most persistent of prey would at least put up a fight that would last hours before they were turned to melt into mush. Shrugging, Loid quickly discarded the shirt and headed towards the exit.
“This guy is no rookie,” one of the penguin trainers noted.
Loid was quick at work dishing out dozens of fish to the hungry penguins. There were around 200 of the flightless birds present and yet, he was identifying each individual penguin with startling accuracy. All this especially when he had the newbie stewing in his guts. The others watched Loid in amazement blissfully unaware that he was an imposter. They could have sworn they heard strange noises ringing from somewhere, but they could not put their finger on it.
Soon, Loid singled out the penguin and already had the elaborate cover story cooked up. Claiming that there was something wrong with the bird, Loid confiscates the animal and returns backstage. In these situations, it would have been easy to cut the creature open and remove the microfilm like that, but Loid was not one to recklessly sacrifice a penguin for something like that. But he had to get the penguin to work with him.
“Excuse me.”
Loid turned around and saw a bespectacled man. He smiled warmly at him noticing that he had the animal in his hands. “What are you doing with the penguin?”
“It is sick, so I am treating it.” He had already methodically planned it out in his mind, the explanations were flowing out of him like butter.
“Well, I need to see it,” the man replied.
“Sure,” Loid answered, “but I would like to know who you are.”
The man nodded and withdrew his ID card. Loid read the writing on it before bouncing it around in his hand. Without much warning, Loid bent down and gently scooped his fingers around in the water. Applying the moisture to the card, the truth became clear.
“It’s fake.”
The man, seeing that he was caught, tried to run away, but the spy grabbed his shoulders and pulled him back. The man screamed and kicked for anyone to intervene, but Loid propped his hand over his mouth and pulled him into the locker room slamming the door behind him.
Wet sounds and screaming rang from the outside of the room alongside the succession of squishy gulps.
Yor and Anya had already finished watching the show at Penguin Peak and were looking at more of the exhibits. The young girl became mesmerized by the brightly colorful fish and sea animals from the sunfish to jellyfish that glowed in the dark from bioluminescence. As the hours passed, Loid was still not around. Anya, holding her fake mother’s hand, looked around to see if she could find the signature silhouette of her father.
“Where is Daddy?”
Yor tapped her chin. “I don’t know. He said something about there being a leak or something.”
As Anya allowed her mind to ponder the different scenarios, she was knocked out of her train of thought when she heard grunting. Looking away, there was Loid. Sweat beat down from his forehead this being probably one of the first times he was caught out of breath. He clutched at his sides for some odd reason. In fact, if any took a closer look, Loid looked husky. It struck the young girl as weird: they did not eat a whole meal during their visit, but the normally trim man was now out of shape. His pant legs tugged to his sides now splitting at the seams. His shirt was in total disarray and disheveled.
His potbelly poured between his fattened thighs spilling out over his zipper. More of the fat weighed on the seat of his pants in a muffin. With his bigger assets, he could rival his wife in terms of maximum thickness. That was not a pleasant thought for the poor spy. Fat poured through the seams of his shirt exposing his pale skin for all to see.
Yor was taken aback. “Mister Loid, what...?”
“Eh....I had a.” Loid darted his eyes around the halls of the aquarium looking for an explanation. “Uh, it was an allergic reaction.”
Yor let the explanation digest until she was able to comprehend the implications. “Oh, dear, should we get some medicine for it?”
Loid shook his hand. “No worries. I’ll just...need to rest for a while.”
Yor nodded as he sighed in relief. He was grateful that Yor appeared to readily accept his explanation rather than further probe him.
“Good. I don’t need to tell her that I ate two guys. I just hope I can get all this excess fat taken care of before I am given a new mission.” Loid pats his distended potbelly. “Why did that boy’s ass have to taste so good?”
Anya’s eyes widened from reading her father’s mind. Two innocent men were completely devoured by her dad and are now padding on his body forever. She should have been horrified, but instead, Anya’s eyes sparkled. “So cool!”
