“Excuse me, ma’am.”
Response to an article I recently read while I was researching manners during different periods. (Important for characterization. Considering including this in your own writing.)
I see quite often nowadays that people are going all, “Ack! I’m not that old! Don’t call me Sir/Ma’am!” and, “This kid called me ‘Miss’ today at the store — FML,” and I just don’t understand it. You don’t want to be spoken to politely? Isn’t that our main problem with the older generations: that they look down on us and don’t talk to us with equal consideration?
“But it makes me feel old!” or “it just feels stuffy and gross!”
But have you considered that they’re just being mannerly? Or maybe that’s how they talk to anyone? Or that they simply don’t know you well enough yet?
For me personally — a 23-year-old woman raised in the South (and introverted) — addressing someone as Ms./Miss/Mrs./Mr. [Surname] or Sir/Ma’am isn’t so much a sign of respect as it is a sign that the person being addressed is not close or/nor informal with me. I see it as a sign of emotional distance.
(Not to be confused with Miss/Mr. [FIRST name] which I use for my friends’ parents and my parents’ friends.)
Maybe I’m weird, but I wouldn’t want someone I don’t consider a friend to be calling me by the name my friends and family call me. It might not be a nickname, but if we’re not being acquainted casually, they shouldn’t use my casual name. If I’m taking a class, I don’t want to call my teacher by their first name — I’m not there to be their friend, I’m not there to get to know them beyond a professional level; I don’t want to imply any connection to the “Jane” she is when she’s being herself and not at work, I’m there to see “Ms. Doe,” the business persona. I don’t want to know any more than what’s necessary from this person.
“But what if the person wants to be called by their first name?”
In that case, if we’re both comfortable to do so, then I would say to do so. But at the same time, telling a person to call you by an informal name would also be presuming a closer personal connection that may or may not be welcomed. I’m not saying it’s something scandalous — that would be ridiculous — but why would you assume someone even wants to call you by your first name or whatever nickname you prefer? Again, this is just me, but please don’t assume everyone just wants to be casual and friendly. I don’t want to be UNfriendly, but if we’ve just met, please don’t try to shove my face first into calling you something your close friends do.
(“Oh, hey, nice to meet you!”
“Yeah, you too! Call me Long Dong Silver or Sexy Beast! All the coolest people do!”
No. Just no. This is an exaggeration, but I have had the displeasure of this encounter personally.)
And even if we ARE meeting outside of a professional situation, if your first name is Elizabeth but “All my close friends call me Lizzie!” why are you assuming I want to be your close friend or that you will be suitable as mine? I would accept “Meh, I don’t like Elizabeth at all! Just call me Lizzie,” but if it’s a friends-only name, don’t even tell me about it.
Don’t press your dubious friendship on me. This is likely me being a misanthrope, but don’t talk to me like we’ve already bonded over manga and memes when I don’t even know if we share any interests.
As for specifically Sir/Ma’am when talking to those older than you, I consider this the MOST emotionally-distanced type of address. Maybe it’s backlash from being scolded by “That’s ‘Yes, sir’! Mind your tone!” when I was in trouble as a kid, but if I’m calling you Sir or Ma’am, and ONLY Sir or Ma’am, you better believe I want nothing to do with you outside of what’s absolutely necessary. This is the address I use for customers, for troublesome acquaintances and co-workers, and for fools that need to get out of my face before I shank a ho’.
TL;DR: Formal address is not for respect nor hinting at authority, but for showing that someone is not close to you.