"I don't have to want to sleep with everyone I have feelings for" (OR: Tommy is wrong about the nature but Buck does have feelings for Eddie AKA Queerplatonic!Buddie)
Please don't kill me. This post is largely coming from a place of extremely personal place that I can't believe it took me so long to connect to where Buck is right now.
Obviously, we *know* Tommy was wrong to some degree. Buck doesn't have romantic feelings for Eddie. He's still pining for Tommy. Still is in love with Tommy. Only slept in his new place once Tommy was next to him, making the house a home. It's Tommy for him.
But I see where that jealousy came from. I have always felt like Buck does have feelings for Eddie. Perhaps it started as a crush, but then it definitely turned queerplatonic or alterous or another form of attraction that is neither romantic or platonic(I personally feel they feel like queerplatonic but the guy I've experienced this kind of attraction with, it was an alterous attraction so just listing). So I feel like that's where the root of it is and they need to discuss the place between the lines and stuff that isn't romantic nor platonic. And I feel like both attractions can coexist they just need to discuss it.
(Personal connections and more analysis under the cut)
My experience was a guy I worked with left and we texted casually afterwards(As friends) and he transferred back after ~9 months and not only was he suddenly a manager(He was so busy, and I definitely questioned if I lost a friend to power dynamics but also everytime I heard a complaint about him I wanted to scream because they! didn't! know! I spent nights last summer terrified for him!) but I was struggling because my feelings for him were stronger than friendship but they weren't romantic and I settled on a label(Alterous attraction, a need for emotional closeness, trust is *the foundation of our friendship), then he decided to go on medical leave for mental health stuff and it left a huge gaping hole in my chest, the idea of losing him in my life again.
I knew it was for the best but the thought of losing him sucked and I felt so selfish and everything felt out of my control. Sound familiar?
The difference is when I let myself be honest and said hey, I don't wanna lose you, he met me halfway. I let him pull me out of my comfort zone(Or rather, my comfort zone was by his side) and we did indoor lunches. We're still extremely close. And I felt so odd talking to people about it because surely everyone at work who knew I was dying over losing him assumed I was in love with him but I wasn't. Trying to force my feelings into the red romance box pissed me off so badly.
I just wanted to stay emotionally close. And I think to some degree, whatever label feels right to Buck, that's how he wants to preserve his bond with Eddie.
ANYWHO I'm shocked it took me so long to realize that I was seeing the "I know it's for the best but what about our bond?" in Buck and Eddie? I thought my Buddie side was reawakening but it was the niggling queerplatonic Buddie reminding me of... us.
So I think when Buck said he didn't have to want to sleep with everyone he had feelings for I think he was honest. I had feelings for my friend. I just didn't want to kiss him or date him. I just wanted to tell him everything and be close to him(And vice versa). I supported him and his boyfriend until his boyfriend started relapsing on drugs over and over and cheating while he was on drugs and then accusing my friend of cheating. (I fucking Hate that guy)
IDK I think Tommy's wrong about the nature of Buck's feelings BUT I think that the feelings are there to some degree and they need to be discussed but network television is never going to do something as between the lines as a queerplatonic crush so.
idk this is long and I feel like I'm not making my point I just. Am realizing I know exactly what Buck is going through and if I had people insisting that it was romantic I would've struggled to breathe even more.
sometimes i think i’ve intellectualized emotion too much by deconstructing amatanormativity in my own mind and really questioning all forms of attraction. don’t get me wrong, understanding all of that is a gift that changed my life for the better. but i’ve thought about it all on a level that so few people have; i can’t even have a conversation about it at the level i want to which is lonely. and people misunderstand me because we don’t have the same vocabulary.
hey sorry if you already answered this, I can't find it. do you have a master post explaining all the different types of attraction? (aesthetic, platonic, sensual etc) with some of them i'm not sure how they differ
