Art of Dadliness: Becoming a Foster Parent
For our first in the Art of Dadliness series on becoming a parent, Zak talked to his friend Seth over at Foster-Queer about his experiences as a foster parent.
Making the Decision to Foster
I knew from a pretty young age that I wanted to adopt. My dad is adopted and I felt drawn to that. My partner and I talked about kids when we were dating and agreed that we felt fostering was something we could do. We both love kids and we wanted to do something positive for kids who come from trauma.
The Process
Becoming a foster parent isn’t actually too hard, weirdly. It depends on where you live, but in general you take classes, do background checks, and attempt to prepare yourself for the foster world. I hated the classes- they were run by a conservative Christian agency and full of lots of “save the children” types. But really, the licensing process wasn’t bad at all.
Navigating the process as a trans man was nerve wracking. I’ve heard horror stories of people being humiliated and of course my imagination was worse than anything I’d heard. We sought out an agency that was at least gay/lesbian friendly and just kind of hoped for the best. We also aren’t legally married, so we worried that would be an issue. It turned out none of it was a problem. The agency is part of All Children All Families with HRC and all the staff has to go through training on LGBTQ competency. We’ve never had any issues whatsoever with discrimination. Some awkwardness, mostly from people who have never met (or think they’ve never met) a trans person. But I’m a good parent with a clean, healthy home, and I think people understand that. At least, I hope so.
What it’s Like Being a Foster Parent as a Trans Guy
I will say the trans part has been a little tricky with some kids. Littler kids have asked about my top surgery scars and why my voice is different. Older kids don’t ask, but I know they wonder what’s up with me. I’m always honest at an age appropriate level and try to use questions as an opportunity to teach about differences.
Advice for People Interested in Fostering
Don’t be apologetic and don’t lie. There are definitely people who will be disrespectful or even hateful. But be authentic and remember that you’re not doing anything wrong- you’re trying to do something great by improving the lives of children. And of course, look for affirmative agencies and ask around! For general advice, I’d say don’t isolate yourself. Find blogs or support groups or something. There are lots of Facebook groups. And also educate yourself- you won’t learn everything you need in those classes. Read, especially about trauma. Last- take care of yourself. Fostering is exhausting and you will burn out so quickly if you don’t get some good self care in.
