"I would have shaved my legs if I'd have known I'd be entertaining."
And so it goes on like this for awhile. He keeps making fun of himself yet asks, "Are you making fun of me?"
"If you don't make fun of me, I don't have a witty comeback."
"I'm not going to make fun of you."
"You're really out of your element, aren't you?"
At some point he says, "Now, I'm a loner. I don't want you calling me every day. (Imitates girl voice) "Hey. Hey, how's it going? What's up?"
"Yeah, I won't call you. That's not my style. I'm low maintenance."
And then I realize I've left my card at the bar and tell him. "That doesn't sound low maintenance. That sounds high maintenance."
Eye roll. Call Penny and Jayne and leave messages.Leslie calls. I ask her to do me a huge favor and go back to the bar and close out my tab. While I'm talking to Leslie, he goes outside to smoke and Dillon Markham harasses him about the same thing I have. "Why don't you make certain drinks?"
"Because I'm a bartender, not THE bartender and if I don't want to, that's that."
I say, "Dillon, you're not going to win this debate with him. He's good. I've already tried."
We go back in the house and Meg asks us if we want a room.
He says, "Do you think she really could get us a room?"
"I can't believe we're making out against the fucking radiator at Landing House when we both have houses. I'm good to drive. Let's go."
He wants to go to my house but as we're driving down 8th Street he changes his mind and wants me to take him to his place. We go to his house and he gives me directions to his room in the dark while he follows behind me.
"Where are you taking me? Am I going to end up buried in your backyard?"
"Nope. Keep going. Keep going. Turn right. Up the stairs. Up. Yeah. Just go straight."
He knocks over his radio and curses himself. "This is my favorite thing!"
As soon as we get to his room, Penny calls and says she hasn't listened to her voicemail yet.
"Oh, yeah. That was just me being a dumbass. I left my card at the bar. Leslie got it for me."
"Oh good. So how was your night?
She laughs. Bruce raises his eyebrows. "Do you still want to wake up for breakfast tomorrow?"
"Oh yeah, it'll be fine. I have to be awake anyway to leave by 11."
"Okay! Have a good night! Bye!"
Bruce: "Why is Penny being so nosy!?"
He asks me if I want a drink and I say that water would be perfect. He brings it to me in a wine glass and apologizes for the state of everything and that there aren't clean regular glasses. "I would have cleaned up if I'd known I'd be entertaining."
"I would have shaved my legs if I'd have known I'd be entertaining."
He laughs. "Now that is awesome!"
I don't remember wasting any time stripping down to skivvies. He looks over at me. "This doesn't happen very often. I'm...confused about you being here. I gotta go figure this out."
He goes to the bathroom. Comes back. Looks surprised that I'm still there.
"Did you figure anything out?"
And then he plays my game. MY game. To ask people to tell you something about themselves that you don't already know. When you've just met, it should be easy. It could be anything. Yet most people can't do it; they get uncomfortable. They say they don't know. But he asks me. So I tell him I was a Fine Arts major; I draw and paint. Huh, really? He says, now I'm going to tell you something I've never told anyone. I'm serious. I've never told anybody this. And he tells me____________________. I stared at him. He says, "That's true."
"Wow. I don't know what to say."
"Now yours was all happy and bubblegum. Mine was miserable."
"Oh, I've got miserable for you if you want to keep playing."
We ascertain that my right butt cheek is ticklish but not my left. That I have extremely cold hands and feet. He's ticklish on his sides. He says, "Whatever you do, don't tell Penny I'm ticklish. And especially don't tell her I'm charming."
"Yeah, no one would believe it anyway."
"Or maybe tell her I'm an asshole and no one will believe that because I'm so charming."
We joke about what I actually will tell Penny tomorrow at breakfast. "Just tell Penny to shut up."
"Maybe then they'll think I killed you and am channeling your spirit."
He tells me he likes me. I tell him I like him too. That I hadn't really known what to expect but he was actually better than I thought he'd be. He says, "See? Now you know. When people are saying, "Why's that guy walking around like he's the shit?" It's because I am the shit."
He tells me he's not an asshole. He's just bored. At one point I have my head on his shoulder, and he says, "Wow. You really are digging me. And I like you. And that's...that scares me."
Fast forward till now. I've seen him once since then and haven't talked to him since that time. And it hurts. To be ditched because there's no chemistry or because you have nothing in common is understandable and even welcome. But this is incomprehensible. There was a genuine connection. Right?
Or maybe I really am just crazy after all.
