#foxspeaks

[hyperfocusfox]

I don't think people understand how much energy it takes every day to be mentally and physically ill and just… keep everything on track.

Every day, several times a day, I work to make sure I am drinking enough water. If I don't. It will affect my chronic illness. I will feel ill and everything will be harder.

Everyday I try to make sure I eat two to three meals. Sometimes it's hard because I feel ill, sometimes it's hard because, mentally, food is repulsive. If I don't eat I will end up feeling more ill.

When I am standing I have to make sure I don't stand for too long. If I don't I will feel faint.

When I am sitting I have to make sure I am not sitting the wrong way. If I don't I will strain my joints, I might pull them out of place. I will be in pain for days.

Sometimes a change in the weather will make me feel ill.

Sometimes a change in the air quality will make me feel ill.

I have to check the ingredients of everything I eat or I will be ill. I'm not just looking for one thing. It's dozens of things. Some things only become a problem depending on the amount. Some things only become a problem depending on how they are processed. It's a constant struggle to remember everything. If I make one mistake I will have digestive issues.

But if I get too stressed or am having other chronic problems flare up I might have digestive issues anyways.

When I am stressed I try not to tense up my muscles. If I do, I will be sore for days. It might affect my joints.

But it's easy for me to be stressed. Small changes to my routine are painful. I get overwhelmed by people, by noise, by unexpected change. I work hard to manage it but it's hard.

Sometimes something very normal happens but I have trauma so it feels incredibly not normal for me. It might take days to figure out what exactly happened and how to dig myself out of my emotions.

My memory is poor. There is so much I have to remember to stay mentally and physically okay. Not even good. Just okay. It's so hard to remember everything. There is almost always something falling through the cracks.

I get tired easily. Even just maintaining my mental and physical health is exhausting. But if I don't do it it is even MORE exhausting.

And it starts all over every day.

[pandaatthedisco122]

I made Venus Mcflytrap from monster high, and this other sim called Shaniqua Harris on the sims 4!!

[portias-husband]

The masculine urge to be a prince who’s secretly in love with his personal knight

[thefox-thelion]

Trans and the Community

So I know the originals inspirers of this post wont see it cause they were so hasty to block me but i just wish to spill something even if its just to the various porn bots that follow me. @trenderbakugou made something about Transphobia and a blog i used to follow @julmdama agreed with and when i tried to challenge, I got blocked. It was taking about transphobia and how it shouldnt exist and I completely agree. However it also stated that if you friends with a transphobic person, your transphobic. That to me is preposterous. I was raised Catholic Conservative. I was in the Boy Scouts of America. I was you typical white farmer boy from butt fuck-nowhere usa. So Yes. Im Trans. I have friends who are anti trans and everyday they try to help fix me in the wrong way. My old man is transphobic but he raised us for 20 years and stepped in as a father figure when we needed him most. We may not agree on a lot of things, trans included, but he is still my best friend and my Father. 

So I guess what i am trying to say is Fuck Off. The LGBTQ community has always been one of openness and inclusion. As I get deeper and deeper into I can see the rage boiling under the murky depths. Hatred against Bi people. Hate against Ace. Hate against certain others if they don’t meet a collective standard. Go fuck yourself on the broom you rode in on. Look i get it, no matter what culture you in, Furries for example, this is gonna happen, but please keep it to yourself. I’m already struggling with who I am as it is, I don’t need you being assholes. I am a transperson with Conservative leaning views, who wishes to be Law Enforcement or a Firefighter. I drive a redneck jeep that flys the red line, blue line and green line flag while also sporting a couple Bad Dragon stickers. 

Keep your bias thoughts to yourself and focus instead of hate, on knowledge. Instead of throwing hate and Transphobes, teach them.Instead of saying Ace cant be LGBTQ, embrace them into the family. Like it or not, we are all we got until the Lesbians take over. Which we know will happen soon. 

Sorry for the long rant, I’m already in a depression and this morning made it worse.Thank you for reading this all the way through if you did. Im always open for constructive criticism as long as your trying to be nice. I love arguing but not with self pretentious assholes.

[pandaatthedisco122]

Ghostface shrine guys! <3

[pandaatthedisco122]

So I humped my pillow in my closet while on call with the Eyeless Jack bot

[hyperfocusfox]

Sometimes I feel bad for my complete lack of a social life.

And then I remember that I have like three different chronic illnesses and autism and most people's idea of hanging out would make me catatonic for several days.

Then I feel better.

[hyperfocusfox]

I'm almost 30 now and I think I have finally settled on what is the hardest part of being autistic, at least for me. It isn't what I expected at all. When I first discovered I was autistic I definitely thought it was the sensory issues, or being easily overwhelmed, or the meltdowns that I didn't know how to explain to people who didn't experience them. But actually it's none of that. 

The hardest part about being autistic is my absolute lack of ability to integrate into communities and groups of people. I simply don't understand. It doesn't matter if the community is online or in person. It doesn't matter if the community revolves around things I am deeply interested in learning or things I already know a lot about. It doesn't matter if the community invited me personally or if I am just trying to find it myself. I simply am incapable of figuring out how to navigate community spaces and learning how to integrate myself.

I used to think the issue was my own social anxiety. But then I went to therapy for several years and now I have that issue beyond controlled. I am very comfortable and confident in who I am. And nothing changed. I feel like if I could just find a single toehold into a community space then I could get a lay of the land. I could see how things work and watch what is happening and find my place. But everytime I try the walls are sheer and slick and there is nothing to grip onto. I don't even know where to start. It's like I'm watching something happen on the other side of bullet proof glass with no way to get from here to there. 

I just don't get it. I don't even get what I'm not getting. It's like I'm miles behind the starting line. I'm miles underground. I'm floundering. And I don't get why. I never have. 

Like. Yeah. I have made the connection between this problem and being autistic. But that doesn't fix anything. That doesn't do anything. I still don't understand how communities work. Or how to navigate them. Or find them. Or be part of one. Or anything. And it's hard. And it's lonely. And usually I'm fine. And I'm coping. But sometimes I'm not. And it hurts. And I wish with all my heart I could just get it.