“I still can’t believe we’re being hunted by Santa of all f’ing people.”
So, this movie is amazing, let’s start right there. Not only is it a holiday film where Santa is a deadly bad*ss (here’s looking at you, Violent Night), but we have comedy, notable actors, and, the cherry on top, Christmas violence! What more could you ask for? Well, probably something to fill in the plot holes, but hey, nobody is perfect. A very fun addition to the holiday season if you can suspend all reasoning for an hour and eighteen (18) minutes.
⭐⭐⭐⭐
Trigger Warning Racism, R Word, Child Death, Antisemitism
We start off strong with Fran Drescher (The Nanny & Hotel Transylvania) and James Caan (Misery & The Godfather). Everyone is sitting around the holiday table being miserable, rich assholes to each other before Santa bursts through the chimney (and I mean BURSTS). Jolly old Saint Nick does a forward roll on the table before driving knives into James Caan’s hands and chaos ensues from there. It was a very fun, fast paced, and enjoyable opening scene that I watched twice! After the opening credits we open back up to a Jewish deli and an unpleasant old woman, Miss Talbot (who I sort of want to be when I grow up?). “Thank you, and go fuck yourself.” What an iconic bitch (and so is this script). On her way out of the deli, Miss Talbot calls Emilie De Ravin (Lost & The Hills Have Eyes) a derogatory term but Mac (Emilie’s character) only finds this amusing. Santa’s Slay is actually is driven by a fucking BUFFALO. How metal is that? He not only drives Miss Talbot off of the road but he causes her car to fly up and flip over in a fiery crash. Absolutely wild. Mac gives her coworker Nicholas a ride home. Nick lives or at least visits his eccentric grandfather. Grandpa (aptly named “Grandpa”) scares Nick from behind because Gramps was in his bunker. Nick is confused as to why his Grandpa even has a bunker in the first place and why he has been frequenting it but all will be revealed, albeit cryptically, over the course of this hour and eighteen (18) minute movie. Grandpa starts to read Nick an old book about Santa when Mac arrives with some sketchy meat. Meanwhile, a sketchy preacher finishes his judgemental sermon then scoots on over to a titty bar. The next person to roll up to said titty bar is none other than our violent Santa,“Ho, ho, hoes.” and things get rough quick. I guess being a stripper puts you on the naughty list? But why? You are just doing your job! Later we will learn that this Santa judges both the naughty and the nice so it isn’t surprising he burned down the titty bar (because that is what he ends up doing) after he fights basically everyone in the place.
Bodies are piling up but I’m also hearing some wild Christmas songs in this movie, don’t think those are slipping by unnoticed. We have a little stop motion storytelling which is very nice (especially since the last time we had multimedia it was in R. L. Stine’s Pumpkinhead and I was not a fan). We learn that Santa and an angel basically made a wager about who would be better at curling (you know, the game with the ice, the brooms, and the stone?) and the angel won so Santa had to be a good little boy for a thousand (1,000) years. Wack. Also hilarious. Evil Santa placing wagers involving (future) winter Olympic games? I’m totally down for this. Also, Nick looks up an online santa tracker and asks the little chat box if it’s a “real santa tracker” or not… After receiving confirmation that it’s fake, Nick claims that his Grandpa is the crazy one even though Nick was the one who just looked up a Santa tracker and messaged its chat… Kids these days! Speaking of kids, TWO (2) KIDS GET THEIR MOTHERFUCKING HEADS BLOWN OFF. It is absolutely hysterical and there is no preparation, the kids just say a few curse words (perhaps to establish themselves as “on the Naughty List”) and then KABOOM! Two (2) headless children. Absolutely wack and a half, I’m so glad this movie was suggested to me.
Next the preacher is reading off all the names of the dancers who were killed in the fire at the strip club the night prior and they are all sexual innuendos… It is ridiculous and hilarious, very Airplane coded. Evil Santa breaks into the (closed) Jewish deli. “You picked the wrong deli, Fatso.” Saul Rubinek (Clock) is our sassy deli owner who puts up a good fight against our angry and possibly immortal (?) Santa Claus but Saul ends up getting murdered with his own menorah! Whomp, whomp (sad trombone noise). Mike finds Saul pinned to his wall with his own menorah and the police catch Mike there and question him.“Crime Doesn’t Stand A Chance In Hell.” Hell Township. Mike tries to explain that there is an evil Santa running around but the cops certainly don’t believe him. “Son, are you saying Santa is offing everyone who’s naughty and nice?” Mac picks Nick up from the station and while they are on their way back to Mike’s Grandpa’s house, Santa takes down the whole police station, steals a police car, catches up with Mike and Mac, then pulls them over. Mike realises the person approaching their vehicle isn’t a law enforcement officer and tells Mac to drive away but Santa is already on their slay! Mike is able to shoot him off (you heard me right) and they get to his Grandpa’s house. They quickly explain everything that is going on and Gramps is not very surprised by the situation (like you would think one would be). Grandpa sneaks the kids through the back but Santa gets there at about the same time and then Grandpa gets run over and curbstomped… Yikes…
Mike and Mac ride off on a snowmobile while Santa chases in the sky on his slay led by his trusty buffalo. They ride into town and Santa runs down some more innocent people (I mean, haven’t they all been? (well, maybe not the preacher…)). Mike and Mac utilize a school location for no real reason, I guess to get to an ice rink but that isn’t very typical of schools so it was still an odd choice. They shine their flashlights at Santa, “I’m Santa Claus! Not fuckin’ Dracula!” Then, miracle of all miracles, Grandpa comes back! He was the angel from the story before, he fell to earth because he loved Mike’s Grandmother? Not sure how that math checks out on all this but, hey, we’re makin’ movies! Santa challenged Grandpa to a curling challenge but tricked him and nearly sent Grandpa to Hell! Naughty Santa! But Mike shot a chestnut (chest-nut) at Santa’s chest which hurt him critically for no apparent reason? Then Mike and Mac pull Grandpa out of the Hellhole but by then Santa is already gone. Mac’s dad and his hunting party shoot down the flying buffalo, then Mike and Mac share a kiss. The credits were cute as they featured a naughty or nice list for each name listed.
Tonight I was thinking about outfits that I would absolutely LOVE to recreate and add to my wardrobe, and in thinking of who in media I draw fashion inspo from, I've realized that at least two of my icons are: 1, Klinger, from M*A*S*H, and 2, Fran Dresher, from The Nanny.
...If that doesn't give just a ridiculously good glimpse into my sense of style, I don't know what will.
