Free writes to clear my mind rn, it was a pretty rough day for me, gomen. Angsty shit.
My heart bleeds for you, it truly does. Hurts so much that it’s thrumming rhythm grows numb to the pain like morphine straight into a vein. What’s up, what’s down, I know not anymore, is today Friday? I’ve lost track. Oh, no it’s still Tuesday. Do you even know? Probably not. Time ticks by, counting down the days until your sands run from hours glass. Maybe it’s best you not know after all. Staring at the hands of the clock, one tick, two tick, done.
You ornery old bastard. It’s hard… so hard to remember as you fight and kvetch, this is all a part of the process. When we’re at our emotional limits, how much more can I really take? Oh crap, I’ve lost 6 pounds. Isn’t that a good thing? Not when it’s from stress, no it ain’t. My eyes wanna close, too exhausted to see straight. I need sugar or a shot of Crown, take your pick.
Just a month of this and it feels like years. You’re dying, we get that, I get that, but there’s no manual on how to deal with it for either of us. We let lose an arrow and pray it hits, did it work, no, the pain is still there? What number are you at? 6. Want the morphine? No. Crotchety old fool take the meds! No. Well, what else am I supposed to do with you? We can’t help you if you won’t let us!
The frustration mounts on both sides. It’s hard, yes, I can only imagine that level of aggravation. Unable to do as you please, I’d be pissed too. Furious at everything, why, why, why, of all the people in this world, why me? I agree, why you? It’s not fair. When is life ever fair? You didn’t ask for this and neither did I. Your stubborn attitude, the lies and cover up, it’s not my fault you hid your disease from us. Do not blame me for your circumstances. I cannot save you, I could have eased your discomfort, but now you reap what you have sown. Stubborn, stubborn old man I’m Sorry! You’ve tied my hands and I am only but one person. I am not a God.
My hands grip the steering wheel as I bite back the desire to let it all go… Fall, run, break free from the prison my eyelids wish to keep you in! I cannot, not yet, let you blur my vision nor allow the rivers to traverse along my skin. I am sorry. Too bad, for the last time you caused damage. Have you not seen my rims all scraped, torn, and broken because you didn’t let me see the curb? My teeth grit, lips tighten into a line. I cannot, will not let you do this to me again!
You fight back, threatening with all the raging waters of a brewing storm, a surge or deluge to batter a weary shore. Damn you to hell! And what the fuck is with this radio! Have you conspired with the melody makers to drive my mind past its breaking point? Do you wish to leave me broken and battered against a concrete barrier? Not I. Not Today Asshole!
Okay maybe today, just let me pull over.
Take me. Swallow me whole, go ahead. You’ve breached the dam and leveled the valley below. It’s all been swept away. My sanity’s torn and thrown into the chaotic waters wreaking havoc, swirling churning, dark waters, hidden behind a pair of sunglasses. Let it go my heart screams and I relent to you. The rush of emotions beelining it for the exits knocks me back. Was it really that bad? Had I held it all in for far too long? Probably, a month had almost killed me. My head swoons in the dizzying release and my eyes grow weary. So tired now… I needed that.
And we start over again in the morning...
