The Interview
There’s always the one, that girl, who gets away. You weren’t old enough, the timing wasn’t right, your careers took you in different places or maybe you loved someone else, but there was always that one you missed.
She was that one.
“Harry?”, Jeff repeated.
I gulped, not sure I’d heard him correctly.
“Sorry, can you repeat that?”, I asked, eventually. Jeff cleared his throat.
“The BBC interview. Nick can’t do it so they’re getting a replacement in. Someone you know”. He paused, looking nervous.
“Her”.
I had heard him correctly. My friend could not do the planned interview so they had called in a replacement. Her. The girl that only a few knew I had loved. The girl that I had let get away. The girl that I missed everyday.
***
I met her through Nick. It was a party for someone, launching something that I don’t recall. But I remember meeting her. Clearly.
It was her laugh I heard first. She had her back to me laughing at something Grimmy said. When Nick saw me he smirked and said something to her. She turned her head slightly but then turned back to Nick. I didn’t hear what she said but Nick laughed, loudly and long. I wanted to know what was funny.
Nick beckoned me over and I moved to stand beside her, checking out the side of her face. Had I ever found a profile as fascinating I wondered. I did now.
“Harold!” Nick boomed. “Come meet Julie”.
She turned her head to smile at me. I swear my heart really did skip a beat.
“Hello”, she said. Her voice was soft but clear. And as a person who spent the better part of his life listening to voices, hers was one I could listen to forever.
“Hi”, I said, “Nice to meet you”.
We shook hands, her hand small and warm in mine and I felt the tingles of her touch throughout my body.
Can a man use the word tingles? I don’t know but I certainly felt them.
“Julie is filling in for me next week while I’m swanning around the south of France”, Nick said, giggling as he winked at Julie.
“Rich wanker” she said. I laughed. I liked her already.
Nick laughed too, happily agreeing with her assessment.
“You’re starting next week?” I asked. Her bright eyes met mine, and for a second I saw and heard nothing but her.
“Yes”, she said quietly.
“I’ll be sure to check you out”, I said. I stopped, trying not to look horrified at my choice of words. She looked at me seriously for a minute. Had I offended her? Oh god this was not the way to start… whatever this was.
Then her lips twitched and when she laughed I knew I was in trouble.
It was warm, inviting and infectious. As Nick joined in the laughter, she grinned at me and I knew she had not taken offense.
“I hope you like the show”, she said, her eyes twinkling.
“I’m sure I will”, I said softly.
***
I spent the rest of that night talking to her, hearing about her life, her family, her plans for the future and about the silly and the deep. But without truly being aware of it, I talked about me too. Growing up in the spotlight had taught me to hide, to keep my life and thoughts to only a select few and yet she managed to pull everything out of me. Not even trying, she made me want to tell her everything.
The night ended too soon and I didn’t want to let her go. As she put on her coat, I asked if I could walk her to her car.
“No”, she said. I didn’t bother to hide my disappointment at her “no”. Her grin widened at the look on my face.
“I walked here” she said, with a cheeky grin, “would you like to walk me home?” “Absolutely,” I said, my smile matching hers.
I walked her home that night, her hand warm in mine, and I kissed her goodnight at her door. I already knew this girl was different and I wanted to take it slowly.
***
Our first date was a week later. Dinner in a small restaurant where no-one cared who I was. I drove her home and when I kissed her goodnight I wanted to stay, oh lord did I want to stay. But I said goodnight and walked to my car, still determined to take it slowly.
Two weeks passed before I saw her again. I had duties elsewhere, but we kept in touch, talking, emailing, facetiming, whatever and whenever we could. She was quickly becoming a huge and necessary part of of my life.
I didn’t even bother taking my bags home before I was knocking on her door. But there was no answer. After a few more futile knocks I turned to leave, fishing my phone out of my pocket to call her. Engrossed in what I was doing I didn’t hear her door open until she called “Harry!”
I spun around and completely overbalanced, falling with a thud on my bum, knocking the wind out of me and causing a muttered “Fuck”.
She came hurrying down the steps, skidding to a stop in front of me. Kneeling down she searched my face asking
“Are you OK?”
Trying to look like I totally meant to fall I casually said “Oh yes all good”, then looking down at my hand I gulped
“Um, Is that blood?”
She looked down in horror, quickly assessing the damage before she giggled.
“It’s like two drops, you big baby”.
“But it hurts”, I said, pouting, hoping that I might get more of her touch on my hand. Or anywhere really.
She chuckled some more before with a “Ridiculous man” she leaned forward and kissed me. Her lips brushed mine, gently, softly, and it felt different than the previous kisses at her door.
It was a kiss of promise.
“Come inside”, she said quietly, “let’s see if I can find a bandaid”.
“Yes”, I said, scrambling to my feet quickly, “let’s”.
***
We spent that night together, the first of many. Whenever I was in town we were together. Hers was the first place I visited when I went home, she was the first person I spoke to in the morning and the last at night. I missed her when we were apart and craved her when I was home.
The first “I love you’s” were not romantic, blurted out in the middle of a fight. She had wanted to go to a party with me but I wanted to protect her. I knew what the reception from the press and the fans was going to be but I couldn’t make her understand how intense it would be. How it would be if she came to the party with me.
“They’ll call you names to get your attention and a reaction, they’ll look at all your media, there will be no privacy for you, we won’t be able to go out in public without cameras in our faces, there will be no privacy for you, for us. I don’t want that for you! We’re happy when it’s just you and me, can’t it just be the two of us?” I pleaded. I wanted her to understand what would come if I held her hand in public, but throughout my speech her face had fallen. She looked down at her feet, her hands, anywhere but at me.
“Are you ashamed of me?” she whispered sadly. I was horrified.
“What?! No! Of course not! I love….” I stopped. It was the first time I’d said it and it was in the middle of a fight. But she needed to hear the words. I took her hands in mine.
“Look at me. Please”. I begged. She lifted her eyes to mine and I hated the tears I could see.
“I love you”, I said, softly.
“I love you”, I said, more forcefully, squeezing her hands.
“I love you”, I said again. Determined to make her hear me.
“I love you”, and I breathed out a sigh as the smile broke across her face.
“I love you”, I said and this time she shut me up with a kiss, her lips forceful on mine. When we broke apart, she leaned her forehead against mine and whispered
“I love you too”.
We talked late into the night eventually deciding that she would not got to the party with me but that we would start to be seen together in public, allowing my fans to get used to us as a couple.
That was the plan anyway.
***
But it never happened. Two months later we went our separate ways.
It was not my choice.
She had gotten a job, her dream job, the one that she had chased for years, working her way up from small radio stations to this job in Chicago. I wanted to make us work. I travelled so much anyway that going to Chicago would be nothing to keep her in my life. She did not want to put me through the extra travel.
“Harry, you travel so much already, you shouldn’t have to travel more to see me. I’ll be working so hard that I probably wouldn’t be able to spend much time with you if you did come to town”.
Her voice was steady. I knew her well enough to know that that she had thought it through thoroughly and nothing would change her mind. She was as stubborn as I was.
I wanted to ask her to stay, to not take the job, to be with me. But that was not fair to her and her dreams. I loved her but I had to let her go.
“There’s nothing I can do to change your mind, is there?”, I asked, my voice breaking no matter how hard I tried. She took my hands in hers, her thumb brushing circles on mine and she smiled sadly.
“I have to do this, Harry. I have to know if I can do this. This is just not our time.”
We slept together that night, one last time, slowly, memorising the touch, the taste, the sound of each other. It was a memory that I would have to hold in my heart for a very long time. I held her close as I drifted off to sleep.
In the morning she was gone.
***
The months passed and slowly the ache in my heart faded. The first time I heard her name, I was at a party. My heart raced. Was she here, I wondered. I wasn’t prepared to see her and thankfully I had just missed her; she’d left a few minutes earlier. I relaxed when I knew that but also I was disappointed that I had missed her. Maybe I could change her mind.
After that whenever I heard her name, my heart still jumped but I also felt pride at her achievements and her growing recognition.
I didn’t date at all during that time. As much as it pained me to admit it, she had been right. I was busy and she was busy and finding the time for each other would have been a challenge. So I finished my second album, made plans for a second tour and released a single for the album.
Grimmy had been given the world premiere exclusive of course but now, when I was supposed to appear to talk about the new tour, he couldn’t be there and had called in a replacement.
Jeff looked at me seriously, “You don’t have to. Nick will understand”.
I took a deep breath, wondering if he was right, but I found myself shaking my head, feeling that it was time to see her again.
“Let’s do it”.
***
I changed my clothes three times before I left for the studio. I felt like a nervous teenager meeting his first girlfriend. My throat was dry and the butterflies alive in my tummy.
After saying hello to all the familiar faces at Nick’s studio, I settled into my seat and looked around for her.
Taking a sip of water, I heard her before I saw her. She was laughing at something the producer had said. I took a deep breath and lifted my head, my eyes locking with hers, as she smiled gently at me.
“Hello Harry” she said quietly.
“Hello Julie”, I answered softly, “It’s good to see you”.
“It’s good to see you too”, she smiled. “Shall we begin?”
It was always easy to talk to her and today was no different despite our time apart. After a moment I forgot all about the microphone and about our past. It was just the two of us in a room talking about stuff. We talked about our lives while the songs were playing, catching up on the lost time.
I had wondered if I could talk to her without my bitterness and sadness revealing itself but seeing her here so relaxed and at ease as an interviewer, I knew finally that it had been right decision. Or it had been then.
But was it still?
“This is a more hopeful album than your first” she commented. “You were in a happier place this time around”.
“Yes, I was for most of the album. There was a lightness in my life that inspired me so much. I only wanted to write silly love songs all the time. The sadder songs came later when the light left”, I said, staring intently at her. Her face was still, betraying nothing of her thoughts.
“You’re going on tour again soon aren’t you?” she asked. “You were away so long last time that it must make it difficult to be away from your family and personal relationships”.
“I make it work”, I said stoically. “For the right people, the right person, I would do anything”. She was watching me closely, a slight frown on her face.
“I like the feeling of knowing someone is mine. Even if we aren’t physically together, it’s a sense that someone is waiting for me, coming to see me, wanting to be with me. For the right person I would do ANYTHING to maintain my relationship”.
“Anything?” she asked, seeming sceptical.
“Anything”, I repeated firmly, “I let the lightness get away the last time. I won’t let it happen the next time”. Her eyes narrowed as she asked
“Even if she has a career of her own?”.
“I would assume the woman I love would have her own career. I’m always attracted to people who are passionate about their jobs”.
“And if your partner couldn’t travel with you all the time?”, she asked with a raised eyebrow.
“Who said I wanted that from my partner? Not every romance has to involve living in each other’s pockets. I know I can be difficult, I know I don’t share my feelings as much as I should, but I would hope that I would be given the chance to show the woman I love…”
I stopped, suddenly realising that it wasn’t just the two of us in that room. Realising that I was finally saying all the things I should have said the night she had ended it, but now I was saying them in a room full of people. Taking a deep breath I said,
“I’m sorry. I went off on a tangent, I do that from time to time. Touring is difficult but I don’t think that precludes anything personal happening and certainly not anymore, there are so many methods of communication between people today. I love touring but it’s not the only thing I hope to love”.
She’d been silent through my entire monologue, but now when I looked at her, her eyes were shimmering with unshed tears.
The producer whispered something that I didn’t hear, but she did nothing, still staring at me. He cleared his throat to get her attention but when she still didn’t say anything, he leaned forward and pressed a button to start the next song playing.
The sound of my voice singing a silly love song that I knew she had realised was about her, broke the spell and she looked away, trying to compose herself.
“Julie”, I said softly. She still looked away.
“Julie”, I repeated more firmly this time. She stiffened and I knew she’d heard me.
“Julie, look at me please”.
I didn’t care that I was begging, I knew this was my chance.
Her back straightened and she took a deep breath before turning towards me.
“Harry”, she said quietly. “I..”
I interrupted her before she could finish.
“Have dinner with me. Please”.
We stared at each other as the song wound up.
“Yes” she said.
The rest of the interview passed quickly and I was soon saying goodbye. We stood on either side of the desk and smiled at each other.
"Can I walk you to your car?" I asked.
"Yes", she said, "I'd like that".
"Me too", I answered softly.
***
SPOTTED! HARRY STYLES and radio DJ JULIE PERKINS holding hands as they stroll around Piccadilly Circus. The new couple met just six months ago when the DJ interviewed Styles. Sources say the loved up couple are “very happy”.
As always thank you to @niallandharrymakemestrong @emulateharry and @whoopsharrystyles for the beta work and their support. This was fun!
