WARNINGS: none, just two friends going on a friendly night time hang-out where nothing of the romantic kind will happen
This was decidedly not a date. Ryan had the mantra repeating in his head over and over again as he got buttoned up his shirt. There are to be no hanky-panky when it comes to Tina tonight, they were just two friends. Friends go on platonic dates, right? Right. Ryan felt like his mind was pushing and pulling into all the different directions. Tina had always have this effect on him, making him lose all sense of control. Tying the bowtie around his neck, Ryan stared at his own reflection for a good few minutes.
There’s nothing to worry about, it’s just Tina. ‘Just Tina’ -- as if Tina was ever ‘just’ anything. Relenting to his own subconscious, he knew tonight was going to end up hurting him more than help. How was he supposed to try and not be in love with Tina when he can’t even go a day without talking to her? Maybe I really ought to take a vacation somewhere, maybe I should go home. He mused to himself. Sighing deeply again, Ryan pulled his suit jacket off the back of a chair and headed out to pick up Tina. Arriving at her door, he rapped his knuckles on the frame and waited patiently. Remember, not a date.
From the corner of his eye, Ryan spotted a familiar silhouette approached the building, it only took a millisecond before it registered that it was Tina. By the lights, she looked ever so beautiful. It’s been years since he first had the luxury of meeting her, but every time he still feel like a giddy schoolboy at the mere sight of Tina. When Tina was close enough, Ryan moved to hold open the door for the woman and greeted her with a warm smile. “Good afternoon, Miss Tina.”
Third time is the charm.
That's what people always say, right? So wouldn't it make sense to assume it would also be the case for Ryan and Tina's relationship? Ever since they got together a few years back, they've had their ups and downs. They've broken up and gotten back together, over and over again. Each time they broke up, however, made a bigger dent in each of their hearts. Angry words, spiteful comments, and unreasonable assumptions were all made in the heat of the moment, but each time they managed to get through it together. But this time? This time, reconciliation didn't seem all that likely...
Ryan fought to not raise his voice but the frustration was getting the best of him. Brashly, he ran a hand roughly through his hair, leaving odd pieces of hair sticking out from its usual coiffed shape. "Tina... baby, please. Can we just talk about this? I don't, I don't understand why all of a sudden, you're making that kind of accusation. I just want to understand, please... I know you're angry, but I can't understand if you won't talk to me."
Tina crossed her arms across her chest, not here for his baby, please. Not this time. He couldn't just nice it all away. "I've been talking, Ryan. You're not listening," she insisted, though she knew on some level her thoughts had been far from complete. "I see you flirting and charming every person that walks through the doors. The exact same flirt and charm that gets me hook, line, and sinker. What am I supposed to think?"
Ryan, with a frown marring his normally bright and open face, peered at Tina from his seated position in front of her. How did things get so wrong so quickly? "That I am absolutely and irrevocably in love with you? That you're the one who brightens up my day just by showing up?" He had no idea that being himself bothered Tina so much. This was his personality and he thought she knew that from the beginning. What kind of person would he be if he had to stopped being this way? Was he willing to compromise his own personality for her? Thousands of questions rushed through his mind and it was getting far too overwhelming. All he wanted was to be with Tina, why couldn't she see that?
Tina closed her eyes, her head shaking at his remarks. Whether his remarks were true or not, it didn't do anything to dissuade the remarks she'd made. What was she supposed to do? Let his love for her blind her to the fact that he'd chat up anything that breathed? "I love you too. I do, but I just... It's one thing to be the friendly doorman, it's another to try to be getting an invite to open doors back at their place," she accused, and maybe it was a stretch. Maybe. She knew he was a charmer, god did she ever, but until they started working at the same place, she hadn't had to witness the way other girls preened under his attention. She hadn't thought herself the jealous type, but then again, she knew she still had plenty to learn about herself.
Tina's words hit Ryan like a bullet speed train, leaving him jaw slacked and unable to breathe. It was like an insurmountable weight was sitting on his chest; it hurts so much. After everything that they've been through, the previous separations, their reconciliations, every good and bad... How could she even think that he would cheat on her? "How could you say something like that?" He asked incredulously. "You're the only girl I've ever loved to such a degree. I'm sorry that my inaction have allowed you to draw such a conclusion, but god dammit, Tina! I love you! I'm so in love with you that I can't go one minute without thinking about you!" Feeling choked up, Ryan bowed his head and allowed the tears to well up in his eyes. "I would never cheat on you... or even entertain such a preposterous idea..."
Tina could only stare him down as he spoke, feeling her gut twist as he did. She knew he was telling the truth, despite the jealousy that was still brewing inside of her. Ryan probably did have endless opportunities to cheat on her, but he wouldn't. But not trusting him and the girls and guys that swooned when his eyes sparkled in the afternoon sun was easier than admitting she didn't trust herself. Not to cheat, she was undoubtedly faithful to Ryan, but to be faithful to herself. To not lose herself in a boy or a romance. To just become his or the better half. Accusations were definitely easier, until he looked the way he looked when he heard them. "You're not standing where I'm standing. They eat up every word you say."
Ryan was a giant ball of emotion, and it was wrecking his concentration. He was desolated by the things Tina was saying, so much so that he could feel himself getting angry. The last thing he ever wanted to be was angry with her. "No, I'm not, but what I'm getting out of this is that you want me to change who I am fundamentally. Can't you see that you're everything I want and need? You're more than enough for me. Yes, I'm affectionate with others, but even when I'm with them, I'm with you!" His voice began to raise.
Tina raised an eyebrow then. “So you are with them, then?” she challenged, voluntarily twisting his words. “Do you tell them you have a girlfriend or do you just let them assume your bachelor status?” She was pacing at this point. The frustration and uncertainty were bubbling right underneath the surface while consequence had escaped her mind. “If I’m everything, why do you need to entertain their whims?”
It would be a lie to say that Tina's words didn't hurt, every accusation chipped away at Ryan's heart. To know that he can inspire such hostility from the woman he loves is almost unbearable. But it was that woundedness in her voice that made him feel helpless to try and remedy whatever is going on as soon as possible. The questions were coming from all over the places, places that Ryan had difficulties to reconcile that it was even Tina that he's talking to. "I have made it very clear to everyone who asks that I am yours." Ryan did his best to temper his tone with love and patience, void of any bitterness or condescension; he just wanted to make her see the situation as he did. That his every word, his every action with others stemmed from a place of respect and comradery. "I know my job doesn't exactly allow me to spend time with you whenever you're there, but please, please know that there isn't anyone else for me."
Turning to look at Ryan again, Tina propped a hand on her hip. "So, what about the ones that don't ask? Then it's all just best kept secret?" This conversation was going nowhere, and everything he said just frustrated her more.. Not to mention how level he still sounded. Yes, she could see the hurt in his eyes, but wasn't she worth actually fighting with - fighting for? "You thinking I'm making up stories in my head because I'm lonely? It's not like I'm some pathetic girl waiting by the phone for you to call me. I have a life outside of you."
Ryan wrung his hands together in frustration and exhaled through his nose. God is really testing him; how could they give him the greatest gift of all only to cruelly rip it away from him every single time he got so close? Things were getting louder and louder inside his head, he didn't even know if it was voices or just white noise, but it was all too overwhelming. "I have never once thought that you're not perfectly capable on your own, Tina! You're an inspiration to many, but more importantly, you inspire me to be a better person so that I may be worthy of being next to you." Curling his hands into a tight fist in another attempt to remain calm and not fall into a shouting match with Tina, because that helps nobody and nothing. "You do understand that... It does occur to you, hopefully, that you realize I have feelings too," Even with his nails digging into his palm, Ryan could feel his hands shake, his breathing uneven, his jaw clenched tight; it was almost like he was getting unhinged. "When you say something like that." He bit out just shy of angrily.
Tina pursed her lips, considering what he’d said and only feeling the wheels turn more quickly in her head. “So now I’m making things up because you don’t spend enough time with me AND I’m completely unaware of your feelings,” she recounted, using her fingers to list off the so-called accusations. Her hands dropped, clapping against her sides as she groaned in frustration. The fight had yet to be the same when they’d broken up, but the pulse through her veins was all too familiar. The stab low in her gut. “If it’s so much work to be with me, then maybe you just shouldn’t be,” Tina finally challenged.
What else was there left to say? Everything Tina has said thus far has solidify the fact that they shouldn't be together. Every single time something of importance happens in their relationship, they fail to overcome the hurdle together. It was always the same thing, rinse and repeat. Really, Ryan should just cut his losses and find someone else. Someone who wouldn't break up with him because he said he loved her for the first time. Someone who wouldn't say these hurtful baseless things simply because they can. By all accounts, they should just be done with each other. But he didn't want to. It all sounds logical and reasonable but it went against every fiber that made up who Ryan is. "But can't you see, Tina, that all I ever wanted was to be with you?!" He yelled out, letting all his frustration pour out. "All I ever wanted was to make a life with you! Why can't you see that you're the person I want to marry and grow old with?" Silence reigned between them after his outburst. His chest was heaving from his uneven breathing and his heart pounded loudly in his ears. Taking a deep breath, Ryan kneeled down in front of Tina, and said softly, "I want to marry you, Tina. I want to be there for you through every high and every low. I want to share every part of my life with you. I never want there be a reason for you to ever doubt my devotion for you, and if that means taking any and all the oaths with you, then I want nothing more. I can wait forever for you, but I just need there to be a reason to wait. Because I can't.. I don't want to live without you." Reaching out, he held Tina's hands in his palms. "So, will you marry me?" He looked on, half terrified and half hopeful.
The yelling was enough to stop Tina where she stood, a look of shock on her face as she met his eyes. Ryan never yelled. She tried to find the words to say next, the snappy comeback she always had in her back pocket, but it was gone. This man that she loved, and she did. She did love him. This man she loved kneeling in front of her, saying the sweetest words any person should want to hear, took her words away. Under different circumstances, she might have said yes. Might. He would have said the same words and had a beautiful ring and she’d have wiped away a tear as she only nodded her response. Sealed with a kiss. Happily ever after. But no. This was not that. A proposal was not the solution to an argument. What life would they be building if this was the foundation? Tears pricked at Tina’s eyes all the same, but from sadness instead of joy. She tugged her hands from his gently, shaking her head and taking a few steps back. “I can’t,” she finally said, her voice barely more than a whisper. “No.”
Ryan stayed kneeling for a good few minutes, he made no attempt to wipe away the tears that were freely rolling down his face. Why should he bother to hide the pain that he's in? Swallowing thickly, he finally tore his eyes away from Tina and stood up shakily. His mouth opened and closed, as though he wanted to say something, anything, but nothing came of it. So what now? "Do you... Should I leave?" His voice croaked from how choked up he was.
Tina ’s arms hugged around herself. The pain in her chest new and unsettling. Every time they’d broken up had been hurtful, and for both of them she knew, but this was different. She sniffed back tears as he stood and nodded. “I don’t think there’s anything else to say,” she stated, trying to sound more confident in the point than she was. “I’m sorry, Ryan.”
Shaking his head, Ryan could say nothing else, "It wasn't your fault, please don't think that." He wanted to just cut across this despicable distance that's separating them and hold her in his arms. Wiping away his tears, Ryan nodded in assent. "Take care of yourself, please." With great difficulty, Ryan took one last, long look at Tina, wanting to etch every little thing into his memory. This was the end, it felt like it was the end every other time, but this time it really felt like someone ripped his heart out and ran it through a shredder. It hurt, it hurt so damn much. Regardless of how much he wanted to just say fuck it and take everything back just so they could be back to the smooth sailing times, he knew he had to go; for Tina's sake, for his own sake. He can't be the person that makes her life difficult just because he couldn't accept the fact that she's no longer with him. Ripping his gaze one last time, Ryan turned about face and with heavy feet, he walked out.
