#fuckfeeling

[gingerat]

[freelancingrat]

I don't know how I feel

Right now I feel alone. Though I know I have people there but there’s either one, my family who don’t quite know how to listen, and two, people I’m afraid to open up to because I’m scared of scaring them off.

I have feelings towards someone but my crippling fear of rejection has pushed me to the point where even intoxication doesn’t even give me the courage to tell her how I feel. I’m afraid of any kind of affection towards her because I don’t want her to be uncomfortable. I’m afraid of talking to much because I don’t want to overwhelm her because I’m an E while she is an I.

I broke into tears today at work because I got to thinking “if I get everyone to hate me or make them afraid of me I could just disappear without anyone caring.” But what scared me was it wasn’t the thought of just disappearing, it was the thought of making it permanent. I’ve seen what someone taking their life does and the main thing that makes the problem linger is that there were people that cared. And for me to find a solution to make it fine or at least in my opinion fine, scared me.

But what all triggered it was that I have feeling for someone. To the point where I go through physical and emotional withdrawals after spending time with this person. And people keep telling me “ask her out” because it’s just so easy for them. But for me it’s not. Just look at this. I’ve gotten to the point where I’m posting on Tumblr because I have no followers. I guess this is what she meant by she doesn’t want anyone she knows in real life to follow her on Tumblr. Because its a safe space. I want her to be happy and it scares me of the idea that she’s not around me. It scares me that even the idea that Es and Is don’t really work together is a thing.

But the poisonous part of all of it is that I don’t want to die from some freak of nature (sleep, stroke, heart attack, or car accident) and she doesn’t know. But if that ever did happen and she doesn’t know, I wouldn’t want her to know because I would never want her to blame herself.

I’m fucked up I know. I can’t even manage to keep a fucking simple relationship. I always either focus too much on one person or I don’t focus enough attention on the others. I need just to be held. Not in any sensual way but to be held by someone who cares. I need someone to hold me as I cry and just let it all come out. And people respond with “ cuddle your cat” when I know damn well that doesn’t fucking work. It’s not the same as a real person.

I listen to the song by tame impala “the less I know” and it scares me but i enjoy it so therefore I torture myself because the idea of her with someone else scares me too. Then I listen to “little black submarines” by the black keys to get it out. And then I listen to “left hand free” by alt j to feel better again.

I want to push away from my family because simply I don’t want to care about them anymore. I simply want to say “fuck you for fucking me up and making me this way” and slam the door and leave forever because though they made me for the good. They made the bad parts of me such as these feelings I have. I’m an asshole, I’m a loser, I’m a creep ( no I’m not trying to quote a song) I’m a freak, I’m fucked up but I don’t let those fucked up thoughts out so therefore in societies eyes I’m a STANDUP FUCKING CITIZEN!!!! FUCK SOCIETY AND THE GODDAMN PRESSURE THEY PUT ON ME AND EVERYONE ELSE FROM THE IMPORTANCE OF MONEY TO THE EXISTENCE OF WAR AND RELIGION TO THE STANDARDS THEY PLACE ON RELIGION!!!

She told me something that I’ve couldn’t stop thinking about “space is gay”. Which I think is a funny statement because though we would see it as yes space IS gay but from an expanded view space is average. Being gay or bi isn’t an accepted by some even though just about every other species fucks each other.

The main thing is. I care about her. And since no one will see this I can say I do love her because she is beautiful inside and out. Her smile is fucking gorgeous, her eyes are perfect, her humor kills me. I just hope I’m doing everything right because I want to be there for her forever and I want her to know that.

[redeyesaphfire]

Revelations

Someone once told me I was once close to told me one of the reasons they respected/ enjoyed my company was because I had my shit together. That I didn't let things phase me. That couldn't be further from the truth. EVERYTHING bothers me in life. I always feel as though it's all my fault, every failure, every mistake is something I should have prevented. I should have seen it coming, I could have done better or made a different choice. It all piles up, suffocating me and eating away at me until I either collapse inward or explode out. I've lost what little respect I've made with my peers and it kills me bit by bit. I've come to a point where I don't want to live. Don't get it wrong, I don't intend to kill myself but I almost welcome death. This shit never ends and it never will. Everyone always says it gets better. When? When does it get better? I'm 33 years old and I haven't seen it getting better. Every year is the same shit, the same utter bullshit weighing me down. I want to give up but just trudge forward out of habit. Go through the motions. Smile, nod and keep going. Maybe getting this out will help. I don't know and I don't want to care.

[regenwettersmogkuppe-blog]

Ich hasse es verletzbar zu sein. So abhängig von jemandem, auch wenn ich ihn wirklich mag. Doofe Gefühle

[shescynicalove]

This Feeling

That butterfly in your stomach, that tingling feeling, that tongue-tied moment, The way your eyes can’t even barely manage to look at his or her, and you don’t even know you're smiling every time you two talk. That, ‘can’t feel my face when I’m with you’ feeling. 

We all love that feeling, right? But did we really love the person? 

[chrsthxx-blog]

i’ve got so much love to give.. FEELING KO ONE TIME MAGBUBURST NALANG AKO DAHIL WALA AKONG MAPAGBIGYAN -.-