a lot of the times I am reminded that things that have been normalized in my head due to what I have seen when I was younger are infact not normal to others. like writing certain range of characters doing a Very Specific Thing.
honestly. I feel weird. strange. is it normal or is it not. I wonder. I keep thinking about them doing that but it's because of weird urges. that I acquired at a time in my life where I should have not been doing that. it's killing me, actually.
I hate the current condition of my brain. nothing is working the way I want it to. it keeps wanting a certain thing that I can't. take off of my mind. I keep saying I can do whatever I want forever but this specific thing I think about is fucked up. if I directly said it people would absolutely find me disgusting, no doubt about it. god damn.
what I really feel like doing. is running away. I always end up drifting apart from people one way or another. it seems like I can't keep a meaningful connection for once.
abandoned. abandonment is what I fear. but then I also end up loosing touch. I keep ending up alone and having to rely on other things. my thoughts. they turn towards fervour.I wish I could stop it. I don't know what the hell I'm even doing anymore. I feel more like someone possessing a body permanently and it feels more like I'm rotting rather than living.
hurting people or making them mad. is also a fear I have. I don't want to be yelled at anymore. I don't want them to feel hurt because of my actions. I don't want to be seen like that. I just want. people to see me as something who breathes too.
