“ I wish I didn’t expect anything from the start “
// big doe eyes watch caitlyn. they do this song and dance nearly every day. she acts like there's anything to be equal about, like if she just treats her with enough kindness, it'll erase the many years she grew up with the most moldable edges.
that, if she just leaves her with enough room to breathe, along the many identity's she's drawn up for herself, she'd find herself, cowering somewhere amongst all of the sex, pain & hurt.
maybe, caitlyn sees something within these eyes. maybe she sees a little girl, who spent her developing years learning how to look as timid and desirable as she could.
her head sways as she struggles to hold it up, due to the light-headedness induced by a lack of food. hands reach out for caitlyn, maybe for stability, maybe for something else.
maybe, if she closes her eyes, feeling caitlyn's touch, she could imagine they were in her bed, and caitlyn was about to touch every part of her body and make it hers. she doesn't, and she isn't, and she never will again.
she doesn't know if they were ever each other's, or if every single part of their relationship is as simulated as it was supposed to be. maddie would not be surprised if it's just another relationship she had out of necessity.
but it's something about caitlyn she doesn't understand. where caitlyn should scorn her for what she's done, she's here, sitting down in front of her, as if maddie might not want to choke her out, if she could.
there is something eerily unfamiliar about the way maddie looks at caitlyn. this isn't the maddie she got to know so well while chasing down jinx. this isn't the maddie she got to know so well when she was dreading ambessa's approach. it's one that's afraid of every movement caitlyn makes. it's one that looks at her with dreadful, sad eyes.
" but, then, would you still be you? " , maddie says, then, out of nowhere. " you're naive. that's what makes you, you. " she laughs, it's in the most empty tone she can muster.
" but you're right. you're expecting something out of someone who's nothing on their own. "
