For many years, I believed the rumors that men wanted to chase, and women had to be chased. I knew what I wanted, when and how I wanted it... and in every other aspect of my life, I chased my desires. But where men were concerned, I'd essentially stalk them and trick them into thinking it was their idea to seduce me.
While I was fairly successful, I wasted a lot of time and caused a lot of pain - not only for me, but for men. I'm mostly into shy, beautiful, graceful men... not hyper-masculine ones. The shyer dreamier men balance my intense chasing energy better. But I was scaring those types of guys away, by not making a move; and I was attracting the guys who are assertive, but not fully my type.
Playing those stupid man-woman games was the dumbest thing I ever did, and easily the thing in my life that I regret most. I'm so honest most of the time, relentless... but I'm terrified of rejection. So I tried to play along with the man-woman model even though in every other way I broke the mold without second thought. My fear choked me. Fear that I was not beautiful enough for the caliber of men that I'm into. That they could find someone healthy, successful, normal... just better. I'm so overconfident in other areas that people didn't realize how much romance fucked me up.
In my 30s I dropped the bullshit and just chased men when I wanted to. Told them my feelings, seduced. Oddly enough, knowing I could do exactly what I want made me much more picky, and I CHOSE to spend years waiting for my soulmate. When I found him, I informed him the first week that he's moving here and marrying me. It wasn't a question.
And the irony is, when I started doing the things I was told "men" would do, people started perceiving me as more feminine than before. In a good way! I've always been perceived as a masculine energy, but now that I just let myself "act like a man" (or like a man supposedly acts), I was suddenly a real woman. Because I was true to myself.
For fuck's sake. Ignore the bullshit and just be you. Squeezing yourself into gender norm crap is just a waste of everyone's time.