https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xnoXJy9mjmE
Jesus pissing christ don’t do this!!! Do not do this. This was really frickin’ upsetting to have to open! I do not want to hear from you! This is dripping with all the weird faux-mature bullshit you always, always pulled on me to keep me from getting scared off! And it was always temporary! You are a terrifying person and I never want to have a private conversation with you ever again!
I am not happy! This did not make me feel good or even understood! It made me feel scared as fuck! Because I know not accepting this is just going to make me look cruel and irrational to anyone who hasn’t been caught in your cycle before!
You had to slip in that part about acting like adults just like you did the last time we tried to make up, like it’s somehow AT ALL immature on my end to find out you’re a sociopathic pathological liar and nothing I knew about you was true and that compared to protecting those garbage stories, my self-worth, sanity and reputation were completely expendable. Like it’s childish to try to at least mend the damage you did to my personal life and make sure people knew how to avoid your emotional hellpit where I felt like I was being slowly fuckin’ poisoned! Like it’s silly of me to act defensive when I know how your stories about me evolved until they described a demon who doesn’t share a sliver of DNA with me! No Contact IS the mature and healthy option. You do not seem to sympathize more. You just get better at saying the right words.
Why do you never “know” why you do things? Why would you want to talk to me if you haven’t gained self-knowledge? What makes you think that that, coupled with your chronic horrific behavior patterns, makes you any less than dangerous?
Why do you always feel the need to tell me what OTHER people think of me, or this situation? Don’t you know how much I’ve learned about you that they haven’t even begun to know? Why do you feel the need to liveblog reaching out to me after I’ve already said no? Why did you feel the need to mention that you don’t care either way? Ask yourself honestly what you want out of this. Are you going to feel angry at me for not wanting to talk to you? Are you going to reassess what you’ve been saying at all? You say you want to listen, but I was talking the whole goddamn time. You just didn’t register any of it because you were more interested in how you were going to make yourself the victim. Now I’m all talked out.
And it’s all archived. If you want closure, get someone to go through it for you, and try to be the TINIEST bit charitable to me and why I do things. Inside your actual head, not just on your blog. Stop saying I send you things. Stop saying I brainwash people. Accept that I don’t function like you do and I’m not just an extension of your own worst impulses. I don’t contact you or 98% of people who end up hating you, I leave it there for people to find like a dang brochure.
Do you realize how unfair me accepting any sort of apology from you would be to everyone else you have, are, or will fuck with?
Why would I want to have a Nice Adult Chat with a guy who referenced me as his Abuser in the last 24 goddamn hours? Why do you only realize you pulled this same shit on one person at a time? Why was there so much clarity with Valg but simultaneously negative eleventeen for me? If I were you I wouldn’t ever be able to sleep. I would be horrified at myself until I got help.
We both know how convincing you are when you can get someone to talk to you and see you as a kind and sympathetic person. I know because of how fast you turn on the sob stories, your barely-sublimated self-obsession and doom and woe. And in your blog posts, now you seem to lay this smugness over it that disgusts me even more. You show no true cognitive understanding of how badly you owe people. Grok that, first.
I know how much people like you when they’re near you, even when you have your hands around their neck. If I don’t talk to you, you have no power. Your words make so much less sense in daylight, when someone is out of your shadow and surrounded by real friends. Being nice and wanting to be friends with everybody is what got me into this mess-- I now realize I have nothing to gain from talking to some people, and that’s been a valuable lesson.
I have no confidence in you. And that is not my fault. And it’s not ever going to be my fault.
I also feel no connection to you, just your actions, and I like it that way. Please don’t contact me again. Either specifically admit what you did that was wrong where everyone can see it and do the things you owe people, or continue as usual, blaming me for the weather turning.
