In My Daughter’s Eyes Chapter 10: If Only My Dreams
Chapter 9
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December 22
Claire, Gillian, and Faith were on their way to the stables. Gillian had insisted on coming, wanting to “see Faith in action,” as she put it. She’d been spending quite a lot of time with her over the past week. Mrs. Lickett would come in the morning to give Faith her lessons and educational playtime, but then she’d leave around noon, so crafts, movies, and the like were all up to Gillian. Claire had left Faith in Gillian’s care all the time back in England, so she was quite confident they’d be just fine, and things had been going swimmingly all week. Faith was quite enjoying her time with her Auntie, and Claire dreaded the day she had to leave, and the meltdown that would probably follow.
But that was a problem for another day.
When they arrived at the stable, Faith insisted on holding both of their hands in the parking lot, giving Gillian the honor of holding Horsie.
“Don’t you let that thing out of your sight,” Claire warned. “If anything happens to it there’ll be hell to pay. And I don’t mean from me.” She eyed Faith, and Gillian nodded in understanding.
“He’s been left before, has he?”
“Indeed. Never making that mistake again.”
They shared a laugh, which intensified as Faith gave a strong yank on both of their hands to make them get inside faster.
“Eager, isn’t she?” Gillian said, smirking.
“She loves it here, you have no idea,” Claire said, her chest warming. “Just wait until you see her with the horse. It’ll make you cry.”
When they got inside, Faith was bouncing as usual, humming loudly.
“Really, I dinna think I’ve ever seen her this excited fer anything that isna Disney,” Gillian said.
“That’s exactly what I said,” Claire laughed.
“Beauchamp gals!” Toni called as they approached the desk. “And who’s this?”
“This is Faith’s godmother, my best friend from back home. Gillian Edgars.”
“Hi, I’m Toni. It’s great to meet you.” She gave Gillian her hand, then a firm shake. She was wearing an obscenely ugly Christmas sweater and a Santa hat. Erica was donning a Santa hat as well, but if she was wearing a sweater, it wasn’t visible under her coat.
“This is Erica,” Claire said. “One of the volunteers that helps Jamie with Faith.”
“Jamie’s the — ”
“Her main therapist, yes,” Claire interjected before Gillian could say anything bawdy. “Shall we?”
Erica nodded and led them outside, Faith holding dutifully onto both hands again.
“That one likes the lasses,” Gillian whispered to Claire once they were outside.
Claire gave her a confused look. “Erica?” she stammered, in shock that Gillian was speculating about a fifteen year old girl.
“No, ye numpty! Toni!”
“How on Earth can you tell?” Claire said.
“I’ve always had an eye fer those things, ye ken.” She winked. “Does this place only employ hot people?”
“Jesus H. Roosevelt Christ…” Claire rolled her eyes and swatted her arm.
When they arrived at the stable, Faith’s excitement went through the roof, as always, and Gillian started laughing.
“She’s just the cutest damn thing I’ve ever seen,” she chuckled as Erica opened the doors.
Waiting inside with Pippi was the six foot Scot, wearing an equally ridiculous Christmas sweater as Toni’s, also donning a Santa hat.
“Ah, there she is! The wee princess!” Jamie exclaimed. Faith giggled at being addressed as such, and she tugged ever harder on their hands.
“And who’s this, then?” Jamie looked to Gillian.
“This is my best friend from across the Atlantic, Gillian Edgars.”
“A fellow Scot,” Gillian said, shaking his hand.
“Ah! That’s braw!” Jamie beamed, then turned to Claire. “This is the godmother then?”
“Yes, this is Auntie Gi.”
“It’s very fine to finally meet ye, lass. Jamie Fraser.” He finally released her hand. “Claire goes on and on about ye.”
“Didna realize ye talked so much,” Gillian said, throwing Claire side-eye. “About me,” she added quickly.
Had Jamie not been standing right there, Claire would have swatted at her arm again.
“Aye. Well, Faith, d’ye want to show yer Auntie yer horse?” He crouched down to her, and she nodded, letting go of their hands. Faith’s muscle memory took over, and she tended to the creature just the way she’d been taught. “This is Pippi,” Jamie said. “Princess Faith’s noble steed.”
“Princess Faith, he says,” Gillian whispered dreamily, and Claire inconspicuously pinched her thigh.
“Are ye excited to show Auntie Gi how ye ride, lass?” Jamie said, and Faith nodded enthusiastically. “Right then, off we go.”
Jamie hung back with Claire and Gillian while Erica led Faith and Pippi. He and Gillian conversed rapidly in Gaelic, leaving Claire feeling rather stupid as she looked in awe between the two of them.
When they arrived at the riding hall, Gillian and Claire leaned against the fence, Gillian amazed how Faith handled the helmet.
“Oh, that was quite a struggle,” Claire said. “Got bit for that one, remember?”
“Right, ye called me that day,” Gillian said, nodding. “She’s so gentle wi’ the horse. Back there in the stable, ye were right, I almost cried like a bairn.”
“Wait until she gets on,” Claire said warmly. “It’s just incredible.”
“And he…is so good wi’ her,” Gillian said in disbelief. “Could God have created a more perfect specimen?”
That earned her another swat on the arm.
“Hi, Claire,” Mrs. Beardsley’s voice had Claire turning around.
“Oh, hello,” Claire said. “Gi, this is Fanny Beardsley.”
They reached over Claire to shake hands.
“This is your wife?” Fanny said, smiling sweetly.
This immediately had them both sputtering, struggling to not disturb the therapy by howling with laughter.
“She wishes!” Gillian exclaimed, earning yet another swat.
“No, no,” Claire said, wiping tears of laughter away. “This is Faith’s godmother. She’s just visiting for Christmas. We’ve been best friends since college.”
“Oh, God, I’m so sorry.” Fanny’s face was bright red.
“No, it’s alright, really,” Claire said, though she was still wheezing.
“It actually happens a lot,” Gillian said. “Lots of rumors back in college. Sadly, this one is straight as a pin.” Gillian patted her shoulder, and Claire rolled her eyes.
They passed the rest of the time watching Faith, Gillian whispering in awe and squealing in delight, clapping along with Claire and Erica when Faith earned celebration.
“She’s braw, Claire,” Gillian said, teary-eyed as Faith dismounted. “I’m really proud of her.”
They embraced each other around the shoulders, Claire resting her head on Gillian.
“Watch this,” Claire whispered. “She doesn’t do high-fives like a lot of the other kids, so Jamie does this with her instead.”
They watched the weekly ritual of Jamie giving his enthusiastic thumbs-up, his lopsided grin warming the chill in the air. Faith returned the thumbs up, bouncing and grinning.
“That is the cutest feckin’ thing.” Gillian shook her head in awe, eyes watering again.
They returned to the welcome center, three of them hand in hand, and Jamie leading the way walking backwards. Toni was ready with three candy canes to hand them when they arrived.
“Merry Christmas Beauchamps, and Auntie Gi.” Toni winked.
“Ah, before ye go,” Jamie said, reaching around the counter and producing a little gift bag. “Merry Christmas, Sassenach.” He handed Claire the bag, his cheeks flushing red. “From the stables,” he added quickly.
Claire’s brow furrowed, but she couldn’t help the tiny smile that graced her face. “Thank you. Merry Christmas, Jamie.”
She peered up at him through her lashes, and her smile disappeared at the sight of the look he was giving her. It was that same look that she’d caught him sporting time and time again, yet she still hadn’t gotten used to it.
What is it?
And why does it take my breath away…?
“Ready to go?” Gillian snapped Claire out of her reverie.
“Yes, yes let’s go,” Claire stammered, smiling perhaps a bit too brightly. “Merry Christmas Toni, Erica.”
“Merry Christmas!” they called in unison.
“Say bye-bye, Faith! Say Merry Christmas!” Faith smiled and waved, then pulled on her hand.
“Onto McDonald’s,” Claire said to Gillian.
“Aye, another delicacy,” she teased.
As they sat in the drive-thru, Gillian’s phone went off, and a sly grin spread across her face.
“What?” Claire asked.
“She texted me already,” Gillian said.
“Who did?”
Gillian turned around the phone to show Claire the screen:
Hi there! It’s Toni!
Claire’s jaw dropped, scandalized. “When did you give her your number?”
“When ye were busy making heart eyes at the Scot,” Gillian smirked and then quickly composed a response.
“I was not making heart eyes,” Claire said vehemently, inching the car forward and rolling down the window.
“Keep telling yerself that.”
——
McDonald’s eaten and milkshakes empty, the three of them were sitting under a blanket again watching Lilo and Stitch. They all brushed their teeth together, and Faith insisted on being tucked in by Gillian. Once that was all settled, Claire and Gillian sat on the couch again together, knowing they could stay up a bit later since Claire didn’t work tomorrow.
“Well? Ye havena opened it yet.” Gillian nudged her head toward the coffee table, where the little bag that Jamie had given Claire was still sitting.
“Oh. I’d forgotten about it,” Claire said, which was a blatant lie. She hadn’t stopped thinking about it since the moment he held it out to her. Truth be told, she was scared to open it. She hesitantly took it in her hands and opened the bag, removing layers of tissue paper.
She couldn’t help the stupid grin that spread wide across her entire face as she pulled out the contents. A bag of Lindt truffles, and a large back of sour patch kids. There was a festive post-it-note stuck to the truffles that said:
To make up for the candy corn. Merry Christmas, Sassenach.
Claire felt her entire face flush red, and her pulse began to race.
“Candy corn? What does that mean?” Gillian prodded.
“He, uh…he made me try candy corn, Halloween week,” Claire stammered. “I hated it, and he asked what kind of candy I do like.”
“Oh my God.” Gillian shoved her shoulder roughly. “Oh my God, Claire! Holy shite!”
“What…? What? Stop it!” Claire shoved her back and put the candy on the coffee table. “It’s just a joke. Relax.”
Gillian gaped at her in disbelief, then shook her head. “I was joking — well, half-joking — when I texted ye back in October, but God!”
“What?”
“How’s the sex?”
Claire’s eyes widened, and she leaned back in shock. “What sex?”
“With Fraser!”
“Jesus bloody Christ! There is no sex!” Claire’s face was hot as hell again, her mouth dry. “There’s no anything! He’s Faith’s therapist!”
“He’s givin’ ye sweets and gifts and ye’re no’ even putting out?” Gillian leaned back into the couch, crossing her arms. “Christ, he must really like you.”
“For fuck’s sake…” Claire scoffed, rolling her eyes. “You’re mad.”
Claire threw the bag on the coffee table, but it landed a little faster than an empty bag should have.
“Is there something still in there?” Gillian said, snatching it at once and plunging her hand inside.
“Gi, stop, stop it! Let me have it!”
Gillian pulled out a hair bow, and her eyes narrowed. “What the Devil?”
“Let me see.” Claire took it from her, and her jaw went slack with realization.
“What?”
“It’s tartan,” Claire said. “The tartan from the clan in Brave.”
“What would ye want wi’ that?” Gillian scoffed.
“It’s not for me…” Claire said, her voice breathy. “It’s for Faith.”
Realization hit Gillian like a bolt of lightning. “Halloween. He wore tartan, and she dressed up from…”
“From Brave,” Claire finished with her.
“Bloody hell…” Gillian said. “He really, really likes ye.”
Claire swallowed thickly against the dryness in her throat, vainly attempting to wet her lips. Her head was spinning, and she could hardly breathe.
“Claire?”
“Well,” Claire said, her voice sounding more strained than she would have liked it to. “As much as I love the Disney movies, how about you and I watch a big-girl movie, hm?” Claire smiled, getting off the couch and retrieving a bottle of wine from the kitchen. “With some big-girl juice?”
Gillian giggled, apparently deciding to not push the subject any further. “Alright. But I’m picking the movie.”
——
Their first Christmas in their new home was nothing short of perfect. Claire had only requested two specific days off for the entire year: Christmas Day, and Faith’s birthday.
Gillian’s present to Claire had already been opened the night before, after Claire had showered from her long shift at the hospital. It was a matching set of Christmas pajamas, with a card that said:
Take this as a promise that we’ll always be together for the holiday.
They cried on each other for a few minutes before donning the pajamas, taking several pictures together in Claire’s full length mirror in her bedroom.
They slept in them and kept them on for presents, just as festive as Faith in her Disney Christmas nightgown. Claire’s present to Gillian was a Long Island t-shirt. Gillian had made a hobby of collecting stupid tourist t-shirts wherever she visited, and Claire had spent plenty of time finding the most touristy Long Island shirt she could.
Faith was beyond thrilled with every single Christmas present she received: her first dollhouse (from Santa), little sets of furniture and little dolls for the dollhouse (from Mummy), and a Merida Barbie doll from Auntie Gi. Claire also decided to give Faith the tartan bow on Christmas morning, handing it to her, saying:
“Look, lovie, another Merida present. This one is from Mister Jamie.”
Never one to be patient, Faith demanded that Claire put the bow in her hair at once, as Auntie Gi was struggling to free the dollhouse from its packaging.
Once Faith was satisfied that every present had been opened and arranged to her heart’s content, they moved into the kitchen to devour the edible arrangement of fruit that Gillian had insisted on getting for Christmas breakfast. Back in the day, Frank made festive pancakes for Christmas morning, and Gillian was determined to start traditions of their own.
Fruit eaten, it was time to start on the Christmas cookies. Claire had purchased several Christmas themed cookie-cutters a few weeks ago, so the three of them made a wide assortment of characters across a wide spectrum of colors. Claire had also bought food dye to use in vanilla icing, so Faith was free to let her creativity run wild, as if she were making edible crafts. All the while, Christmas music played from Claire’s phone, and Faith was humming along and bouncing all day.
Gillian was a slightly better cook than Claire was, so they tag teamed getting the small ham cooked all the way through, along with the green bean casserole (which Faith would not touch with a ten foot pole; she was fine with just ham and applesauce, thank you very much).
Mrs. Lickett had the rest of the holiday week off until the day after New Year’s, and Faith was more than happy to spend the extra time with Gillian. Mary Hawkins had sent Claire a Facebook invitation for a New Year’s party a few weeks ago, and she’d only recently responded that she’d be going. She was uncertain of taking Faith somewhere so crowded, but Mary made it very clear in the description of the event that it would be sensory-friendly. Joe had asked her one day at work if she had any plans for the New Year, surely meaning to invite her over if she didn’t, and Claire felt a strange sense of teenage-like pride in informing him that she did.
Claire’s shift ended at eight, which was exactly when Mary’s party started, so they were only about thirty minutes late. Mary was delighted to have Gillian as well. Despite Mary’s emphasis on a sensory-friendly party, Claire brought Faith’s noise cancelling headphones just in case. Despite the lack of noisemakers, music, or loud television, the constant hum of several voices was making Faith a bit distraught, so Claire put the headphones on her, and after a few minutes of getting used to her silence, she was content again.
Claire was pleased to see a lot of moms she recognized, including Fanny, Kezzie and Josiah running about with Thomas. She was introduced to Mary’s husband, Alex, almost as young as she was. Apparently, Thomas had been a happy accident when they were both still teenagers, and they got married right then. They were quite a sweet couple.
When midnight came, hats and silent paper party-blowers were passed around. The tellie was kept low, and the countdown was done in hushed whispers. The only sound to be heard as the ball dropped was the crinkling of the party-blowers, a few scattered “Yay!”s, and jovial “Happy New Year!”s all around. Faith was quite content watching the paper curl in and out as she blew, giggling every time.
It wasn’t long after that when Faith started falling asleep, along with most of the other kids, all except Thomas. He was still bouncing off the walls somehow. Mary had given Claire a heartfelt thank you for coming, as did Alex. Claire felt as giddy and fulfilled as she had when they’d left the Abernathy home after Thanksgiving.
“That’s a great bunch,” Gillian said as they buckled themselves in.
“Yes…it really is.”
——
The following day while Claire was at work, Gillian had started to pack, being that her flight was on January second, but she didn’t get very far. Evidently, Faith immediately registered that packing meant that Auntie Gi would be leaving soon, and she was quite irritable and weepy for most of the day. She was inconsolable for the most part, only content when she was hanging onto Gillian or sitting in front of the tellie for a few moments of respite with a movie. She hardly touched her food that night, and when Claire had tried to get her to eat, she’d roughly shoved her plate across the table. Claire had permitted Gillian to be the one to give her a stern talking to; eventually she ate enough to satisfy Claire, and Gillian sat with her until she fell asleep.
Gillian returned to the living room to find Claire trying to rearrange her suitcase so it would actually close. She spent a few minutes trying to help, before they both ended up sitting on it in order to zipper it shut.
Gillian sighed. "Puir wee thing thinks she's miserable. I dinna want to leave either."
Claire draped an arm around her shoulders, pulling her in until their heads were resting together, not wanting to speak how she felt, lest she burst into tears.
“Can I ask ye something, Claire? And can ye promise me ye’ll be honest?”
“Of course,” Claire said, releasing her so they could look at each other. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing wrong, or maybe there is. I don’t know.” She sighed. “Ye ken I’ve been seeing Toni, aye?”
Claire shook her head jerkily, blinking in shock. “Um, no, I don’t ken! When have you been doing that?”
“After you and Faith are asleep.” She shrugged, as if it were the most casual thing in the world. “I got an Uber and met her somewhere the first time, now she just picks me up and takes me right to her place. She’s actually quite — ”
“Please, spare me,” Claire interjected quickly. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for you, of course, but I have to see her interact with my child once a week for the rest of forever.”
“Alright, alright.” Gillian put her hands up in surrender, giggling. “That wasna the point anyway. We dinna just have sex, we talk as well.”
“Well, I should hope,” Claire said wryly. “Be rather awkward otherwise.”
“Och, enough, ye wee prude.” Gillian shoved her arm. “What I’m trying to get at is that you have come up in conversation.”
“Me? In what context?”
“In ‘the Scot has the hots’ context.”
“Oh, Christ, Gi, not this again…”
“I’m serious, Claire,” Gillian said, her eyes widening, no joking in her tone at all. “I brought it up as a joke, ye know me. But then she just rattled off all these things…I’m no’ the only one who sees it. That’s all.”
“Sees what?”
“Are ye daft, woman?” Gillian blinked in disbelief, and then sighed exasperatedly.
“You haven’t asked me a question yet, you know,” Claire said defensively, crossing her arms. “That’s how you opened this conversation.”
“Alright. Fine. Why did ye no’ tell me he was at yer bloody apartment?” Gillian said flatly.
Claire stammered for a moment. “It didn’t seem at all important! Toni told you about that as well?”
“Aye, she did. Didna mean anything by it, just came up in conversation.”
“Right, in conversation about me.”
“Dinna get all fiery on me, Claire. It wasna all about you. She talked as much about Jamie.”
Claire was about to fire back again, but she quickly realized that Gillian was right; she was getting overly defensive and angry, something Gillian was never shy about calling her out on.
“Really. Why didn’t ye tell me?” Gillian asked again, softly.
“It wasn’t conscious…it just didn’t come up.” Claire started picking at a cuticle, focusing her vision there instead of on Gillian.
“Because ye didna want it to come up. Right?”
“It seemed…private. I don’t know. It wasn’t…like you think. Or like she thinks.” Claire hissed in pain at what she was doing to her finger, and Gillian swatted at her hand to make her stop.
“Toni says he makes all these exceptions fer Faith, bendin’ over backwards to make her happy.”
Claire’s head started spinning. “He’s just…being kind.”
“Aye, Claire,” Gillian chuckled. “Because he likes you. A lot more than I even thought.”
“That’s…that’s ridiculous.” Claire shook her head. “My child is his client.”
“Toni says it’s no’ the same as a regular therapist — ”
“Gillian, please…” Claire interrupted, a bit more forcefully than she meant to. “I appreciate what you’re trying to do. Really, I do. You’re my best friend, I get it. And I love you for it. But this…” She leaned forward, resting her elbows on her thighs. “I don’t need this. I don’t need you to play matchmaker like we did in college.”
“Claire…”
“It’s alright, Gi. I’m not angry, I promise. I just…” She sighed. “I don’t need…I don’t need to be rescued anymore. Do you know what I mean? These past few months, just me and Faith…god, I’ve never felt so good about myself. I mean, hell, I’ve had doubt upon doubt creep into my mind, and not every day is good. But she is thriving here, and so am I. I don’t have to explain myself or my parenting to anyone anymore. And…fuck, Gi, I love it. I finally feel like…like I’m doing right by her.” She was surprised to feel the tears in her eyes, and she swallowed to keep them at bay. “For four years of her life, I was this…shell of myself. And god damn it, I pulled myself out of that. I know I had your help, always, and now I have Mrs. Lickett, and the Abernathy’s, and the whole community at the stables…but I did this. For her…and now I realize it was for me, too.”
Gillian put a hand on Claire’s knee. “I understand, hen.”
Claire nodded. “Jamie is incredibly kind, and thoughtful, and he’s done a lot for us. But it’s not what you think, and I don’t need…what you think it is. Faith doesn’t need that. She needs me. I need me. Am I…making any sense?”
“Ye are. Ye dinna have to explain yerself to me, Claire. I’m sorry,” Gillian said sheepishly. “Ye know me. Canna keep my neb out of anyone’s business. Least of all yers.”
Claire offered a tiny smile, then laid her head onto her shoulder. “Will you be seeing your American lover for one final tryst before you depart?”
Gillian snorted. “Nae, we’ve already said our goodbyes. Keeping it casual, ye ken. She’s just out of a relationship and all that.”
“Right. Well I’m glad you had that, however brief. Been a while since you’ve been with a woman, hasn’t it?”
“Aye, ye’re right! I was feeling starved for female affection after years of male disappointment!”
Claire guffawed loudly, and they both dissolved into a fit of giggles that carried into the wee hours of the morning.
