take my mistakes back, my clumsiness, my past bitter refutes that amounted up to nothing, my voice that never got truly heard through the ear plugs of entitlement and a self-crowned title earned from an earlier birth - take it all back, everything I'd done wrong and everything that I couldn't get through you via these 19 years so far -
as long as it means that for the next 19 years, I'll stop being so hurt like this. no, not everyone knows what you know, and therefore nothing is a given. no, I am not like you - I'm clumsy, lazy, and much more prone to emotional weariness when weighed down with stress. and no, I can't get over my many guards of anxiety and hesitation still built up towards you as well as everyone else in our family. I am not an on-and-off switch. nor am I that technical, strong-willed, cool, or as cold in the face of emotional weakness as you are.
if I could take it all back, would you treat me differently?
you shouldn't demand so much of the world, to do so much for you.
that's one of the meanings of independence, after all. you're on your own.
so why am I unable to pick myself up to accomplish even the simplest things? or to move beyond my petty, idgaf and i want a silver spoon in my mouth kind of attitude? you know you have the skills, the potential, and the ability to be the best at time-management and finding a new job (because now you have to, again) and losing weight as you could. 그래서 왜 계속 이러는데?
and most of all, why am I searching for a busy ear down on Earth when there's a free one in Heaven who is the answer to everything?
why am I making myself so alone, jetlagged?
fuck being an adult - in all its myriad of definitons...
hungry af and wondering why english literature classes have to be so hard, like all I want to do is self-publish and maybe screenwrite but mostly churn out my love for words, for daydreams and Korean celebrities into stories for people to enjoy like why must you do this to me.
today was actually a very chill day. for the first time in 5ever, I actually enjoyed living my life the way it was, despite all the crushing boulders and the increasing itching need of wanting to drink 2-years-underage like some of my peers because life is too bitter.
a calm morning.
a bomb breakfast. actually feeling 90% well-rested instead of 45%.
feeling lighter than I ever have since, well, winter break. since January 1, 2016. when my approach to the doom and catastrophe that was February was still coming slowly, but not quite there yet...
beach. shopping. buying a cute black off-shoulder wavy romper. instead of a grey jumpsuit though that was cute too.
sight of the beach. the cool wind lacing through my fingers and hair like soothing hands, whispering voices.
green grassy lawn. a lemon tree for free to pluck from. flowers and a striped canopy roof. steak. bomb costco lawn with white vinigiarette dressing. grilled corn. steamed potatoes mixed with A1 steak sauce, minced garlic, butter, and cream cheese, chopped into cubes. kimchi. chocolate chip ice cream. blueberry cheesecake cupcakes. huge oranges. hot coffee from a pack from san fran. non-stop nom nom nom and chitty-chitty-chat-chat with Steven, Anna, Eunice, Hanna, et al. feeling more comfortable with Joyce, Joanne and Hyesung. oh and Henry ofc. he did a great job today.
just lazing around. appreciating the aesthetics of chips and salsa, or shadows coming through a curtain against someone's auburn hair. worship. quick lesson on how much God loved us, and had once said "It is good" not to credit himself but because it was good for us, His creation, which He knew would screw up against Him but decided to save us anyway. and that we should ultimately have a Christ-like love.
doing nothing for a while as the temprature slowly waned to a crisp coolness and the sunset turned the sky into a lovely gradient that signaled the approaching spring.
yami tea station for some almond milk tea with 3/4 sweetness, boba and mango mochi for $5.54. more convo, more fun. fellowship. loose ends tightening up to form a closer circle. really meeting Laura and having fun. and having my best friend and roomie-for-the-weekend-just-so-I-can-join-her-for-this sista Alicia. cannot ever thank you enough.
and now, after a storm of youtube videos and laughing and spazzing and a shower and refining myself with some amazeballs nature republic 92% aloe vera soothing cream/gel, sitting on the bed with my laptop just surfing, browsing, not really feeling as tightly the guilt and worry of weight, homework, anxiety, money issues... just turning on the Spotify "Mellow Beats" playlist, surfing through tumblr, writing this down as the memories play in the insides of my eyes like a side rearview mirror. for the first time in a while, I wish I can go all the way back to this morning and just do it again. really. truly. I'm finally appreciating life somewhat again. chilled like I never would've at my campus apartment in Northridge...with my sister on a normal saturday and...I am so thankful..I just chilled today. it was so nice. a large part has to do with of course God's blessings of placing me to GCJC but also being with Alicia here....I wish I was rooming with her. rather than my sister. I'm so much freer to be myself and just enjoy myself, go at my own pace. her house already feels like my 2nd home. lately with my older sister of 7 years there has been so. so. much. friction, apathy, coldness towards one another. although mine is only a reaction to hers. I can't believe all the true colors of hers that have now apparently fully formed are coming out but of course I am powerless especailly during this period of "discipline initiation" where I am 90% independent than just 50%. life is hard, and it will continue to be hard after tomorrow, too. but I am glad that for one weekend at least, I got to find myself and enjoy my situation.
is this semester too gonna be a rendition of that part of 'Cheese in the Trap' (webtoon) where Hong Seol gets a D bcuz she got a bad batch of group members even when she spent all night doing everything herself?
granted, grade-wise presentations have worked out both freshman and sophomore semesters previously. but the freshman one I was late to, and I only had one partner since our group sucked and our prof split us. and sophomore year one partner was late and another couldn't hear her alarm and so really it was just me and someone else and the other girl unprepared and literally everything went down the drain but at least she saw that we did our best (and graded us accordingly, unlike Hong Seol).
but still. argh. group presentations are like a strangling piece of rope for me - that daunting and embedded with a cruel source of karma.
I can only pray for a good group on 'tumblr'. my new journalism prof really is unlike any other.
School starting tomorrow~ everything unpacked, textbooks ready, school items (general, not specified yet) ready, schedule ready (night schedule for the first time, I've no idea how it's gonna go) and just trying to depend on God >_<
a cup of coffee wrapped by hands than some numbers inputted onto a screen
is much more suave. more intelligent.
more open, humble, human.
maybe I'm just cynical.
but did you really think, mr.mid-20's-juan-santos-something that I'd give you, someone I met for only 10 seconds and spoke only 20 words to my number in less than 30 seconds?
there are many ways to be friends with someone.
being desperate does not look cool.
and no, the fad of 'getting her number' has died ages ago.
maybe it's just my infj-ness, or my introvertness, or just my old age amidst this new techy generation.
(which you would get to know anyway if you really just wanted to talk to me.)
at most, you give me your dang number, and hope for a chance.
